Kyuhyun

Donghae has cancer.

My cousin has cancer - My cousin who is also Ryeowook’s ex-boyfriend. Or boyfriend. I don’t know.

I don’t know. Everything is abruptly so complicated and the more I think about it, the more I feel guiltier but at the same time, the more I don’t freaking care. I did it for my love for Ryeowook. So what if I threw Donghae’s letter away?

I only did it because I love Ryeowook.

And I wanted Ryeowook to love me back. It was selfish, I know but can’t you understand me? I wanted Ryeowook, I wanted him for myself but at that time Ryeowook was still in love with the guy who broke his heart. I couldn’t give Ryeowook the letter. It was just better for him to continue life without knowing about it. Who knows what could have been written in that? Maybe it was just his ex-boyfriend wanting to tell him to move on or maybe it was his ex-boyfriend apologizing for leaving him. Whatever it was, good or bad intentions, I couldn’t and wouldn’t let anyone else know about the letter. I threw it away without even looking at it. I figured if I didn’t read it then it wouldn’t matter. But oh… How stupid I was.

That letter…. Deep dark secrets were written in that letter. Dark secrets from my cousin to his lover. Ryeowook was a mess when I came home and I was too paralyzed to even move when I found out why Ryeowook was crying. My cousin was dying and in that letter, he had told Ryeowook about his dying wish.

To spend the rest of his months with him.

Should I feel guilty? Should I feel sorry? I feel bad, kind of, but I’m more troubled by what is going on between my relationship with Ryeowook. I cannot for the life of me figure out Ryeowook’s behaviour right now and it scares me. After exploding at me, he left the apartment. I wanted to chase after him but Henry convinced me that I should give him some time alone to get his feelings sorted.

I got Henry to go to sleep, telling him that I’d wait for Ryeowook to come home and that I’d make sure Ryeowook would be home before it gets too late. Reluctantly, Henry headed to his room. I know that kid was worried for his brother but he looked like he wanted me to talk it out with Ryeowook too and for that, I’m a little thankful. Right as I am about to doze off, I feel someone sitting next to me on the couch and I blink. 

“Ryeowook?” I immediately sit up straight. “Ryeonggu, you’re home!”

Ryeowook nods without saying anything else. He pulls his legs up onto the couch and hugs them close to his chest. His face is etched with exhaustion and uneasiness. I stretch my arms to touch him but then quickly pull back, realizing that he is still mad at me for throwing the letter. Ryeowook picks at the fabric of his pants, not saying a word while I stare at him, transfixed by how small and beautiful he is even when he looks like he’s having the worst day of his life. When Ryeowook looks up and his eyes meet mine, they soften just a little before he looks away.

“I want to be mad at you,” Ryeowook suddenly says almost too softly. “I want to be mad at you but at the same time, I want to believe that you had a good reason for throwing the letter away.”

“You only told me that you threw the letter and I’m sorry I got mad at you.” Ryeowook apologized, his voice shaking. “But please tell me why you threw it away, Kyuhyun?”

“I… It’s because I love you, Ryeowook.” I confess, reaching out to grab Ryeowook’s hands. “You were trying to forget about your ex and I was only helping. Because I love you.”

Ryeowook nods, his face expressionless. “And what if you knew it was Donghae who wrote that letter? What if you knew what was written on that letter? Would you still had thrown it away?”

I gaze at Ryeowook, at his beautiful side profile. Everything about Ryeowook makes me crazy, those soft hair, petite body, toned muscles, sharp jaw-lines, prominent cheek bones… Everything. I squeeze his hands and nod my head because I know that nothing would stop me from trying to win his love. He changed me, changed my whole life. He made me fall, fall in love so deep that I know there’s no way out, there’s no one else.

“I would.” I admit. “Because I don’t care about anyone or anything. I love you and I’ll do anything, everything just for you, Ryeonggu.”

I decide to make a move, grabbing Ryeowook’s arms and dragging him close to me. I draw him up until he’s straddling me but he keeps his eyes away from me, tears pooling at the sides of his eyes. I swipe my thumbs against the corners of his eyes and he finally looks at me, looking brokenheartedly.

“You’ll do anything and everything to get me, Kyuhyun.” Ryeowook says, a tear sliding down his face. “Not for me.”

I stare at Ryeowook, confused. “What?”

 Ryeowook wipes away his tears from the corner of his eyes before moving off me. “I’ll be sleeping in Henry’s room from now on.”

And then that’s the end of our conversation. Ryeowook turns around for his brother’s room and when I call out his name, he stops moving, his hands on the door knob. I stand up, wanting to tell him to stop, to please stay with me and talk to me, tell me that we can work this out but I can’t find my voice, I can’t find it in me to tell him those things. Ryeowook finally turns around, looking straight into my eyes with an unreadable expression.

“If our roles were reversed, if I were you,” Ryeowook quietly say, “I would have given the letter. It wouldn’t matter if you’d stopped loving me. I would still had given it.”

“And I know Donghae would have to.”

***

“You look pathetic like that.”

Startled, I turn to the owner of the hoarse voice. It’s still dark out and I hadn’t bothered to turn on the lights in the living room. I couldn’t sleep, too preoccupied with thoughts of Ryeowook to be able to fall asleep. My cousin is looking at me, shaking his head with an easy smile on his face. I have a strong urge to get up and punch the living out of him. But instead, I just clench my jaws as he takes a seat opposite of me.

“What are you doing still up?” Donghae asks, resting his head against the couch.

“You have cancer.” I state, my voice not amused neither do I sound like I actually care for him as my cousin.

Donghae’s easy smile fades. He runs a hand through his hair and nods solemnly. “Where’s Ryeowook?”

“None of your ing business.” I glare at him, pointing my fingers him. “Stay away from him, he’s mine.”

Donghae chuckles this time, shaking his head as he stares at me. I don’t ing understand it. I don’t understand why it’s got to be Donghae of all people. It irks me, aggravates me how Donghae is always a step ahead of me. From my family to my job and now my… My Ryeowook.

I don’t care right now. I honestly don’t give a if Donghae’s going to die tomorrow or even right now. I’m just so frustrated that he’s ruining everything. Things were going so damn fine and that Donghae appeared and now, everything feels like it’s back to square one. I’m in love with a man who is in love with another man, a man who I cannot and will never be able to compete.

“I don’t have much time left.” Donghae tells me calmly.

I raise my brows, “Then why did you agree to my dad to help me out?”

Donghae laughs again, “We’re family, aren’t we?’

I grit my teeth. I don’t need his help, I really don’t. “You’re dying. Go do something else.”

This cousin of mine laughs it off and stands to walk over to the windows. He stares outside, folding his arms and I am getting a little annoyed at how this bastard is making himself so damn comfortable in my own apartment.

“When did you find out about this?” I ask him, standing up and waking towards him.

“About a year and a half.” Donghae shrugs, “Probably longer.”

“I was still dating him then.” Donghae quietly continues, “I was going to tell him but I was selfish. I was scared that he’d leave if I told him that I had cancer and so I proposed to him first.”

Right. Earlier on in the hallway outside of my apartment, when all hell broke loose. I remembered Donghae mentioning about proposing to Ryeowook twice. It surprised and amazed me at the same time that Donghae had proposed to Ryeowook twice and yet he didn’t accepted it. Could it be that Ryeowook didn’t have the same feelings for Donghae?

“But when he rejected me… I lost all hope. My health got worse and no matter how many treatments I’ve gotten, the doctors couldn’t save me. I’m slowly dying.”

“But you don’t look like you’re dying.” I point out although now that I’m closer to him, I can see how my cousin has lost so much weight and how his lips are cheeks are almost purple and how his eyes looks like they’re lifeless as .

Donghae doesn’t respond, instead his eyes stares outside cold and long before he breaks his gaze and turns to me. “Kyuhyun, I love Ryeowook.”

I fists both my hands, “You can’t.”

Ignoring me, Donghae continues, “In that letter… I wrote to Ryeowook and told him that I’d wish to spend my last months with him. He’s the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“Hae,” I grit my teeth. “I don’t care. I don’t care if you’re dying. I don’t care if you’re dying in a few months or tomorrow.”

“Ryeowook’s mine.” I glare at him. “We were doing just fine before you came along. Ryeowook stopped loving you, he stopped thinking about you. He doesn’t need yo