CHAPTER NINE: Taeyeon's Sheep funk

Taeyeon dropped her tote bag on the floor and flopped on the living room sofa. Practising with Jessica had been exhausting. She felt drained from acting cheerful for four hours. Jessica had been strangely mellow. If you've been poisoned, you'd be a sheep too. Taeyeon groaned and rolled to cuddle against the backrest of the couch. 

It was her own fault, again. In recent years, she had hinted on interviews about her personal problems of feeling empty inside, because talking about it seemed to fill her up. She thought it would take the pressure of public expectation off her. In the early years, she'd acted like a fluffy dork and it became a character she forgot how to shed off camera. She had become more of an idol than a singer, and that had to stop. So, she felt that if fans knew there was another side to her, they wouldn't expect her to be too lively on camera.

Talking about depressing stuff seemed to have attracted the wrong crowd. Acting like a fluff-cake had attracted lots of fans good for Girls' Generation. Now, it was clear that too much honesty attracted lots of crazy fans bad for the group. Being publicly sad had drawn sympathetic creatures like Kang Yejin out of the woodwork. Why did fans have to be so damn impressionable? They were sheep, a thousand times more sheep-ly than a recovering Jessica Jung. 

Something furry leapt onto the couch and snuggled behind her. Taeyeon twisted around and scratched behind Prince's ears. The dog shriveled up and relaxed, its black eyes squeezing shut in contentment. It yawned. She missed Ginger.

Tiffany's bedroom door opened noisily. Instinctively, Taeyeon glanced up, then she averted her eyes. She heard Tiffany hesitate before entering the living room. She focused on scratching Prince, wishing that she had her earphones plugged in so that she could at least pretend she legitimately didn't know Tiffany was there.

All she wanted to do was sulk in peace, but Tiffany always wanted to help. She was perpetually-

"...You're back?"

"Hm."

"The videos were good."

"Hn." 

Taeyeon stood up. She gave Prince one last pat. "Go to your momma." 

And Prince was off to Tiffany. Taking advantage of the mandatory dog-owner moment that would otherwise render Prince comatose from rejection, Taeyeon slipped into her room. Sunny wasn't back yet. She played her album on speaker, plastered on a sleeping mask, and tucked herself into bed.

Taeyeon knew she had to get her act together. She had to get over it, right now. Just accept the sasaeng incident as history, move on with her life, and the members would be happy with her again. The other members were worried about her when there were much more salient issues to be concerned with. Chiefly, their group comeback. So she knew that she had to man up and stop being such a wuss.

It was difficult. The words in the letter were etched in her mind. With her eyes closed, Jessica's pale, drawn face at the hospital was especially vivid. Now her falling out with Tiffany was another weight on the strain.

You're being a real crappy leader right now. Real crappy. Taeyeon sighed. The last track on her album looped to the first one, and she knew that forty minutes had passed. She peeled off the sleeping mask and went to the bathroom to wash off the residue. She ended up taking a hot shower.

When Taeyeon was done, she saw that Tiffany's bedroom door was open and that the room was dark. The kitchen was quiet and the living room was empty. Tiffany had been exasperated with her the past few days. I'll be better soon.

She checked her phone, and there was a message from Hyoyeon.

[Hyoyeon]
[Received 17:50]
Yo Taengz, come help me and maknae with something
[Received 17:52]
Get ur a$$ down here
[Received 17:57]
If u're not down by 6 imma send maknae up><

It was 5:59 p.m. now, meaning that poor Joohyun would be ringing the doorbell at any moment. As if on cue, dual chimes trilled through the apartment. Taeyeon grabbed her phone and a sweater before rushing out.

"Unnie." Joohyun was all hugs.

"What's the emergency?"

"Hyoyeon-unnie accidentally cooked too much japchae so we need help finishing it. She didn't know that the other unnies had schedules tonight."

"More like she made too much on purpose, am I right, or am I right?"

Joohyun smiled. "Please come? Hyoyeon-unnie will make fun of me if I fail."

Taeyeon's stomach growled and she shrugged, lifting up the sweater and phone in one hand to show that she was good with going. Joohyun clapped her hands together before helping Taeyeon carry her sweater. They took the stairs down to other dorm apartment.

It was an animal house downstairs. Hyoyeon had Kendrick Lamar booming on the stereo, " don't kill my vibe, don't kill my vibe", and she set a pan heaped full of fragrant glass noodles onto a coaster on the dining table. Taeyeon took a seat. To go with the japchae, Joohyun had made kimbap, except she replaced spam with strips of baked goguma. 

Joohyun turned down the volume of the music before joining the table, and Hyoyeon squawked at her.

"Unnie, we're about to eat," Joohyun said.

"Are you saying that hip hop ruins your appetite? Want to play Water Sounds 4?"

"No, I don't think Taeyeon-unnie appreciates meditation music very much," Joohyun said, oblivious to Hyoyeon's sarcasm.

Nonetheless, Hyoyeon and Joohyun were the least cynical members in the group. Taeyeon wasn't worried that she might say something stupid around them. 

They didn't talk about Jessica, the group, or work. Just three friends exchanging funny stories. 

When Taeyeon got home that night, she felt more like a normal person again. She couldn't stop people from doing bad things, but she could react to them properly and take more responsibility for her public image. That was it. She was doing fine. One bad apple amongst the flock of fluffy white sheep that chose to follow her around. She could make it up to Jessica by winning her a triple crown this weekend. 

She dialed Keunsuk. "Oppa, I was thinking that we could record and release a digital single of To My Face before this weekend's music programs. All the music is there, and Jessica's recording is done, except my voice. I think people might be interested in getting the song since we're going to perform it, and if they like it, then they might want our version, right?"

Keunsuk was so surprised that he took a while to answer. "It could be done."

"Let's do it, please?"

"What did Jessica say about it?"

"I haven't asked her yet."

"You should, right?"

"Right..." she said. "Uh, oppa, could we record it first? If it turns out well, I'll have something concrete to present when I ask her."

"You're just stalling. It'll turn out fine. You're already going to perform live on TV."

Right. Stupid excuse.

"Look, I'll let you record first if it makes you feel better. But there's no way I'm going to let the song out without Jessica's permission, OK?"

"Of course. Of course, oppa."

Keunsuk called back thirty minutes later. He managed to secure a sound engineer and a recording room at the Ingrid studio in the morning. 

She recorded and messaged Jessica with the song. Keunsuk had gotten her a bowl of seaweed soup with rice cakes. He had requested less salt so it tasted healthy.

She got a call back from Jessica five minutes later. Just enough time for someone to listen to the song and process a gut reaction.

"Hey Sica."

"Are you serious?"

"Only if it's totally fine with you, and you don't have to be okay with it. It wasn't any trouble- I mean, I recorded seriously, but I had a few hours off, so I was thinking why not, it might be appropriate to have a digital version of this weekend."

The other end of the phone was silent. 

"If it's not a good idea, just say so."

Finally, Jessica said, "I'm not saying it was a terrible idea. It's not. Why didn't you ask me beforehand?"

"Just in case I couldn't record something good. I would've promised you something for nothing."

"Yeah right, Kim Taeyeon. Like you'd screw this up."

Taeyeon grinned. "Keunsuk-oppa said the same thing. Maybe he should be your manager."

"And give you Myungmin? Nah. He's too chill and you're too chill."

Jessica giggled at her own comment. The length of time that Jessica was taking to get to the point was making Taeyeon nervous. Recording wasn't a bad thing, it was almost necessary to get a music program win, but she was stepping on Jessica's promotion with her own ideas.

"The track is good. The singing is solid," Jessica said. "Thanks for taking the initiative with this. I'll forward it to Myungmin and he'll handle the business side of things, like the release and your cut of profits."

"It's fine," Taeyeon hurried to say. "Just getting it released is good enough for me."

"Come on, it's standard-"

"I don't want it. I won't sign for it." What kind of apology would it be if she was paid for it?

"Then I won't release this."

"Sica-"

"Why are you doing this? I told you not to feel guilty."

"It's like appearing on an MV for free. Treat it as a solo debut present," Taeyeon said.

"Fine. I'll tell Myungmin to donate your cut to charity."

"Not under my name."

"Doesn't Hayeon have a college fund? Just funnel it there."

"No." Regardless, she had been able to pay for all of Hayeon's education ever since Gee.

"God, you're so stubborn." After a while, "Thanks, then. Do you want to meet for another practice?"

"I think we're good to go on Friday."

"What are you up to for the rest of the day?"

"Group practice for next week's comeback."

"Okay. I can't visit you guys, mostly because I don't want to go for any kind of extra practice. See you on Friday."

Taeyeon hung up. They usually rehearsed at the SM building because Girls' Generation was senior to Shinee, F(x), EXO and Red Velvet, but since Taeyeon would already be at Ingrid, Keunsuk rearranged logistics. She finished the seaweed soup, and pretty much skipped the whole way to the practice room. 

Practice ended past midnight. Tiffany's manager drove them back to the apartment. Taeyeon caught Tiffany before she retired into her room.

"Fany-ah."

"You're talking to me now?"

The edge in Tiffany's voice made her pause. "Yes."

"Why, because you've gotten over the worst of your problems?"

"I-"

"Why can't you trust us, trust me? Just come to me even if things are really bad. We should deal with it together. I've told you this a thousand times, and each time you've never truly listened to me."

"I trust you. Of course I trust you."

"You push me aside every time you think it's not a good time, then you pull me close to you as and when you like. It's tiring."

Tiffany's words drew tears into Taeyeon's eyes. She opened , but her lips quivered and she pressed them shut. She glared at Tiffany through a blur, trying not to cry.

"I'm not tired of you, but I'm tired of your pushing," Tiffany said. "This is coming out all wrong. I love you, Tae, but I get hurt when you give me the cold shoulder every time something bad happens to you."

Taeyeon swallowed, casting her gaze elsewhere and wiping her tears swiftly. "I... I don't mean to affect anyone else."

"I know."

"But I still do."

"I understand you, but sometimes it doesn't seem like you appreciate that it makes us feel worse when you do this." Tiffany squeezed Taeyeon for a quick spell and smiled sincerely. "Feel better, okay? And sleep early. You had a long day."

Taeyeon nodded, swallowing thickly once Tiffany retired behind her bedroom door. What about how I feel? Taeyeon sniffled and retreated to the kitchen for a tall glass of iced water. She ended up trading for a can of beer, dumping the water, ice cubes and all, in the sink. She dragged her feet to the living room sofa and drank herself to sleep.

A/N: Because it takes two to tango, so I..... hmm=X Thanks so much for the feedback last chapter~ let me know how you felt about this one?