CHAPTER THIRTEEN: Taeyeon’s Support

Jessica won. Fastest selling digital single in a day that year, because it was mindblowing that Taeyeon and Jessica would perform together. Fans going insane with full power voting, and they managed to beat 2PM with a song just out the womb. Taeyeon was happy. She wanted fans to give Jessica MuCore and Inkigayo that weekend. In other words, she’d have to meet Jessica tomorrow. And before that, she needed to settle herself. Find an opinion and stand on it.

She had already talked to Sunny, who already approved of Jessica, so there was little value there. She went home, washed out all the powder and eyeliner on her face, and went to Tiffany’s room. Two knocks, one ‘come in’, a deep breath, and she entered.

Tiffany paused an episode of some dramatic looking TV show and spun around on her hot pink swivel chair. “Hey, Tae. Congrats on the win.”

“Thanks,” she said with a small smile. She walked closer. “I just wanted to apologize for being such an unreliable friend.”

“It’s okay. I shouldn’t have pushed you at a time like this.”

“No, there’s never a better time,” she said. Tiffany never made apologizing difficult. “Under better circumstances, I wouldn’t act out like this, and then it would be really awkward if you started scolding me out of the blue.”

Tiffany smiled back. “Want to watch Game of Thrones with me?”

Taeyeon kept hearing about this medieval drama. “The show with lots of people? Okay.”

She turned to climb onto Tiffany’s bed, ready to sink into the fluffy pillows.

“Oh, shoot!” Tiffany said. “Wait up.”

“What?”

“Go shower.”

“But, I’m tired,” Taeyeon whined.

“I don’t care. Go wash up, and we can watch TV until we fall asleep.”

Taeyeon dropped her pout. “Okay.”

Tiffany just smiled with all her brilliant, white teeth. Taeyeon shielded her eyes and backed out of the room.

“By the way,” Tiffany said. Taeyeon stopped. “I was so happy to see you and Jess singing together today. We all were, considering how we won’t be together in public ever for a long time.”

“Yeah.” Taeyeon smirked. “So was Sica. She wants us to get back together.”

“What? Get out!”

“Yeah. I tried to say no, but she wouldn’t let me. What do you think?”

Tiffany’s smile faltered. “You know what I think.”

That, Taeyeon did. She found out about it at the beginning of 2012. They somehow managed to keep their relationship under wraps from the other members. It was a real accomplishment. Nobody in the group kept secrets like these because it was just Soshi culture not to. Violating that made Taeyeon feel bad, but it made Jessica feel horrible.

“Could we please, please, tell them?” Jessica asked, holding her. They were sitting on the balcony of Jessica’s home. The parents and Krystal were out for a week. The night air was still cold in the middle of January, but they were tucked under a thick blanket, sitting on a black rattan-woven sofa with taupe canvas cushions. This wouldn’t have been enough for winter in Seoul if not for the portable electric heater towering over them.

“Not yet... not now...” Taeyeon sidled closer, trying to kiss her, trying to distract her, to put this awful discussion off.

“What are we waiting for?” Jessica pressed.

“Just- I don’t know.”

“Are you worried about what they’ll think?”

“I don’t know,” she said, trying to ignore the uncomfortable tightness in her chest.

“Kim Taeyeon.”

“Yes, okay? I don’t want to break the group.”

“Hyoyeon, Yuri and Tiff have had so many boyfriends already and nobody bats an eyelid. Being in a relationship is okay.“

“Not if we’re members. What if they think we’re putting ourselves before Soshi?”

“That’s just silly, Taengoo. You should be more worried that this’ll seem uous.”

“Not helping!”

Jessica laughed as she kissed Taeyeon. “They’re not going to think that. It’s absurd. Well, I am a bit worried about what they’ll think about us both being girls, you know?”

“Exactly, exactly.”

“But I think that anything would be better than keeping this a secret. It’s not right.”

Taeyeon sighed. “I guess so. But this kind of thing is important to some people. Umma might love me now, but if she ever found out that I like girls, she’d disown me for sure.”

“That’s because parents have to be principled regardless of what their children want,” Jessica said. Taeyeon knew that Jessica had this same fear, maybe even more intensely than she did. But unlike her, Jessica was choosing to be brave about what they had. She wished she could be the same. Jessica continued, “Do you think your oppa or Hayeon would reject you?”

“I don’t know. I... don’t think so.” She nodded, slowly. “Maybe you’re right.”

Jessica pulled her head closer to her chest. “It’ll be okay.”

It wasn’t. 

The plan was to seek each member out individually and break the news. That way, damage control could be conducted in a modular, safe space.

Sitting across Tiffany at the dining table, even with Jessica right beside her, she felt as if she was putting on her first audition tape, her first showcase, her first concert all at one go. “We have something to tell you.”

Maybe it was how nervous Taeyeon was, but Tiffany picked up the tension and flew through all the million and one possibilities in her head- Taeyeon had an inoperable illness, or Jessica had been assaulted at some party, oh, Stephanie Young Hwang don’t be an idiot- and zero-ed in on the most plausible, most terrible conclusion. “About how you two are going out?”

“We- I-“ Taeyeon swallowed. “Yes.”

“Oh.”

Taeyeon couldn’t gauge Tiffany’s expression, which was unnerving. Jessica reached over and squeezed Taeyeon’s hand, and Tiffany stared at their interlocked hands.

“Are you going to say something more substantial?” Jessica asked Tiffany.

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Well, are you okay with us?”

“I mean, like, I don’t know,” Tiffany said. “I’m sorry, but I really don’t know. What did Sooyoung, Hyoyeon and Yoona think?”

“Surprise, surprise, you’re the first, other than Sunny, but she’s always known,” Jessica said dryly. “So, to answer your question, no, we haven’t spoken to the other Christians yet.”

“Look, I’m sorry, I haven’t thought about this before. I’m not homophobic. I’ve had gay friends before, I accepted them as they are. But also we weren’t that close. ‘If they ask for a thimble, don’t give them a pail’, right? Now, you two are my best friends, so I can’t just sit back. I don’t know, exactly, if this is wrong yet, but if it is, then I can’t...”

“I understand,” Taeyeon said quietly, looking at the table.

“I’m sorry,” Tiffany said.

“Okay, we’ll tell the others, and then you can discuss this with them,” Jessica said, clipped and formal. “We hope, of course, that you’ll give us your blessings. Thanks for your time. Let’s go, Taeng.”

“Jess, wait. Please, I don’t want things to get bad between us.”

“I don’t see how they can’t.” Jessica tugged on Taeyeon’s hand, and Taeyeon didn’t dare to look at Tiffany’s eyes as they left the dining room.

Taeyeon just wanted to lock herself in her room and listen to music, but Jessica grabbed her car keys, so she had to follow Jessica out of the apartment. They took the elevator to the apartment, and Taeyeon got into the driver’s seat while Jessica got into the passenger’s seat.

“Where are we going?” Taeyeon asked.

Jessica pulled out her phone. “Hey, Sooyoung-ah. Where are you? Are you free? Oh, when’s your next break and how long is it? Okay, Taeng and I are coming to you right now. Don’t worry. No big deal- kinda, actually, but nothing to fuss your gigantic head over.”

Jessica turned to Taeyeon. “To Sooyoung’s film set. East Seoul. Get on the highway and I’ll give us directions from there.”

Taeyeon held the steering wheel with both hands and leaned her forehead against the top of the wheel. “I’m tired. Do we really have to do this now?”

“It’s important to Tiff, so it’s important to us. I know it’s hard, and frankly, I’m scared less now, but we have to do this.”

Taeyeon sat up, eyes downcast. She nodded to herself. “Alright, okay.”

They drove two hours to Sooyoung’s shooting location. Sooyoung was sitting in a blue, foldable canvas chair. Skinny, long legs stretched out. Taeyeon marveled them for a while. She had a thing for slender thighs and calves.

Sooyoung was unpleasantly surprised to find that they were lesbians, and dating each other. “First of all, it’s bad enough to date your co-worker. It is super irresponsible and reason enough for you two to just stop, okay?”

“And second,” Jessica said, “is because homouality is a sin?”

“Yes. I’m sorry, it’s just not right, so if you want my approval, I can’t give it.”

Taeyeon was nodding even before Sooyoung finished speaking, and stood up quickly. “Okay, thanks for being honest. We’ll think about it. Work hard at filming! Don’t catch a cold. It seems really hectic. Take care of your health, okay?”

And she booked it out of the film set. Jessica caught up to her. Taeyeon’s eyes were dry while Jessica’s cheeks were wet. They got into the car and leaned back with a gigantic exhale. Taeyeon said, “Could we go home now?”

“Yeah.”

After that, they didn’t have to say it aloud, but neither of them would be telling any more members just yet.

Back at the present moment, Tiffany was looking her with big, brown, non-judgmental eyes, and Taeyeon could only think of how grateful she was that Tiffany had once put in so much effort for Jessica and her.

“I do know what you think,” Taeyeon said, “and that’s why I wanted to talk to you. Sunny’s firmly on Sica’s side, and I need a second opinion.”

Tiffany furrowed her eyebrows. “If you know I’ll say no, and you still want to talk to me, then it sounds like you’ve already decided-“

“My feelings for her are what they are, you know that,” Taeyeon said, and only Tiffany knew this. “But I could get over her. I was getting over her already. So, please, tell me again what you think.”

Tiffany sighed. “I don’t like making you think I’m rejecting you. Look, okay, I do believe that homouality is a sin, but it’s no worse than other sins, and who am I to pass judgement? So I accept you, especially since you’re someone important to me. Even though I won’t think it’s right, I still love you no matter what choices you make.”

Now, just slightly after the beginning of 2012, Sunny, Tiffany and Sooyoung were in the loop, and no one else. Tiffany and Sooyoung never brought The Relationship up. Tiffany would treat Taeyeon the same, and Sooyoung would treat Jessica the same, up until the pair got together, then it was as if Tiffany and Sooyoung didn’t know how to react to the situation. Things would get awkward fast until some clueless member joined the mix.

Meanwhile, the public tension between Taeyeon and Jessica had peaked at glaring levels of obviousness. Taeyeon was ever more cautious, but Jessica was even more motivated to express herself. Taeyeon hadn’t seen or reacted to Jessica on camera for more than a week, and was cold to her even at home when the girls were all hanging out.

It pissed the others off on Jessica’s behalf. Why on earth was their kid leader acting like this?

Sunny, Tiffany and Sooyoung told the others not to worry about it, that Taeyeon was probably just stressed out and that nothing bad was going on between Jessica and her. These three were ignored. Hyoyeon, Yuri, Yoona and Joohyun decided that they loved Girls’ Generation enough to do something about this. One morning at the dorm, they cornered Taeyeon in her room. The four of them entered while she was changing out of PJs, closed the door, sat on her bed, and asked her to sit.

“What’s up?” Taeyeon asked, stifling a yawn. Yesterday night was particularly tiring. After a long day, she and Jessica had been exhausted, but even more sick of not getting alone time. So they stayed up to have a mini-date in her car. All those memories in one trusty sedan.

Joohyun and Yoona looked at their unnies, and Hyoyeon turned to Yuri, who steeled herself, and said, “Taeng, we noticed that things have been off between you and Sica. And Sica probably hasn’t brought this up with you, but we know that it’s hurting her. So, we just wanted to ask, is there something wrong?”

Taeyeon shifted back in her seat slightly. “Huh? Really? I didn’t know I was doing that.” 

“Yes, really,” Hyoyeon said. “We can all feel the major awkwardness between you two, especially when we’re on schedule.”

“Unnie, if there’s anything wrong, we can help,” Joohyun said. “We’ll hear both sides of the story, and work this out sensibly and fairly.”

“But there’s really nothing wrong,” Taeyeon said. “I hadn’t even noticed that I was treating Sica differently.”

The disappointment on their faces was like a slap to the face. Taeyeon felt her eyes sting.

“Taeng, if you don’t tell us, we can’t help you.”

“There’s really nothing going on between us,” she said. “I don’t know what else you want me to say.”

Yuri sighed. “You’re making yourself out to be the bad guy here, you know, if you don’t tell us your side of the story-“

“Wait, Sica said something?”

“No, but she doesn’t have to,” Yuri said, even more suspicious now. “She’s always trying to interact with you, and you keep ignoring her. It’s super obvious to all of us.”

“We won’t sit back and let you mistreat Sica like this. For whatever reason,” Hyoyeon said.

“We won’t judge, unnie,” Yoona said.

“Unnies, lets not jump to conclusions. I’m sure Taeyeon-unnie has her reasons,” Joohyun said.

The four of them were so serious that Taeyeon might have laughed, but she was more dismayed that this is what they thought of her. Then again, what else could they think? But still, if Jessica and she were on bad terms, Jessica wasn’t the obtuse sort to keep ingratiating herself onto someone who didn’t like her. No, Jessica would’ve settled their issues privately before bringing it out into the open. Taeyeon just wished that Jessica was as private with the good stuff as she was with the bad stuff.

She felt slightly irritated that she was the one who had to deal with this mess, but more than that, she didn’t want them to look at her the way that Tiffany or Sooyoung had. 

“Okay,” she said, averting her eyes. “I guess... it’s just a bit petty, but I’m... uh... jealous of Sica.”

“Why?”

“Because, uh,” she has bigger s would be the only honest answer in the envy department, “she speaks English better.”

Yuri opened , and closed it. Hyoyeon jumped up and started laughing. “What the you weren’t born in America!”

Taeyeon chuckled. “I know. It’s stupid.”

“That is the dumbest lie I have ever heard, Taeng.”

Everyone straightened up at the person who just entered the room. “Sica-unnie.”

“Hey Yoong, Seo-baby, what are we talking about here? Never mind, I did hear part of the conversation,” Jessica said. She took a seat beside Taeyeon. “We haven’t gotten that far yet, but at the moment it seems more like I’d be the S-side and Taeng would be the M-side of SM. If we get that far.”

Taeyeon gaped at Jessica, heating up from embarrassment or something more educational, she didn’t know.

“The company’s splitting up?” Joohyun asked. Thank god for innocence.

Meanwhile, Hyoyeon, Yuri and Yoona were thinking hard in overdrive to process what Jessica had just said.

“So, seriously, Taeng’s not being mean to me, and she sure as hell is not going to be the abusive one,” Jessica said. Their eyes cleared up like they finally got it. Taeyeon remembered to breathe. “And that’s really all that’s going on between us. I told Taeng we should have told you guys earlier. We’re sorry.”

“Hmm,” Hyoyeon cleared . “Let me get this straight. You two are actually going out?”

“Yes.”

“Then what’s this cold war you’ve got going on?”

“That’s because Taeng’s horrifically camera-shy,” Jessica said. “Truly, utterly horrific.”

“You’re the insane one,” Taeyeon said. “She wants to go public in public, can you believe that?”

“Okay.” Yuri rubbed her temples. “It’s a lot to take in. Give me some time to understand all this.”

“Hold on,” Hyoyeon said. “Why haven’t you told us?”

“We tried, before,” Taeyeon said. She needed them to not feel left out. “We were doing it one by one, but the members we told said no, so we decided to put it off.”

“Sunny-unnie said no?” Yoona asked, unable to see the bunny having a problem with two carrots making out.

“She was okay,” Jessica said. “She knew about us before we knew about us. We talked to Tiffany and Sooyoung. Religious reasons.”

“Hyoyeon, Yoona,” Taeyeon said. “And of course, Yuri and Joohyun, what do you guys think about me and Jessica... you know?”

“I’m fine,” Hyoyeon said.

Yoona shrugged.

“I am glad things are like this, but I wish you told us sooner, as a group,” Yuri said.

“My mother never thought I had homoual tendencies,” Joohyun said, “so she hasn’t said anything on the subject. Based on my own reasoning, therefore, however limited, I can’t see anything wrong with this, other than that it’s unorthodox.”

“Well shucks, looks like you should have told us first,” Hyoyeon said.

Jessica rolled her eyes. “I guess so. The order was just rotten luck.”

Taeyeon sighed, relieved that they had accepted the relationship so easily. She wished that all of them could be on board.

“We’ll figure things out on our side,” Hyoyeon said to them. “Off the cuff, I gotta say that religion-wise it’s wrong, but I haven’t bothered looking into this stuff. All my gay friends seem a-OK and it just feels natural.”

“I’ll help too,” Yoona said.

“I don’t know much, but I’ll help as well.” Yuri hugged Jessica and Taeyeon. “I’m so happy for you two.”

“If Hyoyeon-unnie or Yoona-unnie can lend me a Bible and point to some materials, I can try to offer some assistance,” Joohyun said.

“You better treat it like a damn school paper!” Hyoyeon said.

“This is more important than an academic exercise, unnie.”

“Yes, whatever, good. Maknae, you’re in the zone.”

With the combined power of more than half of Soshi brains, however much that weighed in the real world, Taeyeon and Jessica were able to get Tiffany and Sooyoung’s tentative acceptance even though the religious arguments flew over her head. The beginning of 2012 was the first time when Taeyeon saw that, even when she couldn't see how things would work out, it was worthwhile to put her faith in Jessica.

A/N: Taeyeon's mini-speech on Instagram today was badass! Thanks for the comments/upvotes/subscriptions last chapter! How was this one?