CHAPTER TEN: Jessica's Confusion

Jessica reviewed the lyric video that was going to be posted on the SMTOWN YouTube channel. She'd have to publicize it on her SNS accounts. 

Taeyeon's parts were well done, exactly what Jessica would have wanted if she knew how to set expectations in the first place. She couldn't believe that Taeyeon had done this for her. Taeyeon acted nonchalant, but this was a lot of work. It was a very Taeyeon gesture, she supposed, to speak through actions rather than words. 

Jessica frowned. She tried to recall what was so detestable about Taeyeon but the reasons weren't as strong as she remembered them to be.

One, she's an ice cold who cut you out of her life and your group.

Two, she's a pain in the to be close to.

Three, she's a stubborn mule ox donkey.

Jessica wasn't any of the first two points and a healthy fraction of the third point. They used to be one of the most peaceful pairings in the group, but at a certain point, they got too close, and the personality clashes mattered. Taeyeon became an impossible girlfriend. So Jessica decided that Taeyeon was a friend who belonged in the zone. Or a colleague, to accomplish anything productive.

Jessica had to remind herself like this very carefully so she would stop feeling so damned touched by Taeyeon's icy donkey .

In 2004, Taeyeon had been nobody, really. She hadn't been 'a nobody'. She already featured in The One's album and got top marks in trainee evals. She just wasn't anybody to Jessica.

Jessica, Sooyoung, Hyoyeon and Yuri were tight. The 'Girl Group' lineup, no matter if it was seven or thirteen girls, always consisted of the four of them. There was no way SM would split them up. They were just too good, and they had chemistry, which, as Girls' Generation proved, is the most marketable asset of any idol group. So it didn't matter how many other trainee cliques SM broke up along the way, Jessica firmly believed that her group would be the one that would debut together.

Jessica knew Taeyeon only because she went to high school with Sooyoung, and at the time, Jessica was tight with Sooyoung. As a trainee, Taeyeon was good at singing, but needed to dance better and shed a little weight.

Taeyeon hadn't been a terrible trainee. She was one of the favorites, another regular in all the proposed lineups as well. She worked really hard at the group dancing routines, so the more experienced trainees bothered helping her. Although Taeyeon couldn't dance for real, she could do the dance routines properly. She was entertaining too. She didn't talk about herself whenever the trainees had serious conversations, but she joked around a lot. And whenever the trainees hosted pseudo-variety shows among themselves to practice, Taeyeon proved to be good at entertainment speak. 

As a result, Jessica agreed with her friends that Taeyeon would be a good addition to their group. Even though Taeyeon had only been a trainee for three years, they didn't think that Taeyeon would drag them down.

But it wasn't until after they debuted as Girls' Generation that Taeyeon became a real somebody. They were suddenly together 24/7. No more high school to worry about. Everything was just about Soshi. Living together in the same apartment. Having to rely on each other for their final, tangible chance of true success. 

And Taeyeon stepped it up as the leader. The longest trainee and second oldest, Jessica was more qualified to be Girls' Generation's leader, and she knew Taeyeon knew it. She suspected Taeyeon wished it, but Taeyeon didn't complain to anyone about it. She organized the group and became more assertive. She made sure they were always communicating with each other and never let small squabbles become serious divisions. She'd shower last every single day so that everyone else could rest earlier. She got into radio and variety because idols had to be entertaining and she felt responsible to serve Girls' Generation that way. 

Jessica started noticing everything that Taeyeon did, focusing on the good and overlooking the bad, and one day in 2008, she woke up and realized that she had a crush on a girl, and that the person's name was Kim Taeyeon.

The idea tormented Jessica for years. When the girls tittered over guys, Jessica would talk about the kind of men she found attractive so that they wouldn't notice that she didn't actually feel anything for boys. She humored the blind dates that her mom or sunbaes set up. She pretended to have crushes, and sometimes she acted so convincingly that she tricked herself into liking them too. 

She was afraid of telling the girls because she didn't know how they felt about gays. She was pretty sure that the religious people in the group would not approve. She didn't want to rock the team dynamic. Girls' Generation was a forever sort of deal so there was no way she was going to ostracize herself because of a romantic impulse.

She was content just being around Taeyeon. They had become good friends, and she liked being able to smile, hug and laugh at Taeyeon freely. If she confessed, this would all have to end once she got rejected.

And finally, she didn't know what her parents would think. Even worse, what her baby sister might think. 

As such, Jessica pretended for three years, under the same roof as Taeyeon and the others, to be a straight member of Girls' Generation.

But she wasn't very good at it. Sunny caught on by the time of Run Devil Run promotions, and it was a relief to have a friend in on the secret, but she also became stricter with herself, because if Sunny noticed her inclinations, wouldn't Taeyeon catch on soon enough? She later found out that Sunny noticed her interest in Taeyeon because Sunny knew of Taeyeon's feelings for her. Sunny was a solid friend to not have told on either of them to each other.

She was so focused on hiding her feelings that she didn't notice Taeyeon's. In Japan, 2011, she was stunned when Taeyeon stumbled into her hotel room and confessed to her.

"Could we try being not just friends?"

She leaned back and laughed nervously. "You're drunk."

"Maybe so, but I'm really not not not..." Taeyeon counted the fingers on one hand, "not not not joking. I'm see-ree-us."

Taeyeon swayed on her feet, smiling stupidly. Jessica said, "What do you mean by us becoming more than friends?"

"I have a secret," Taeyeon whispered. Jessica's fever was so high that Taeyeon's breath felt cool against her ear. "I like you, Sica, and I think you like me too. I'm tired of controlling myself, if you know what I mean."

They were too close to each other. Jessica wanted to taste Taeyeon's lips to know what she had taken to get like this. Instead, Jessica said, "You think... that I like you...?"

"Was I wrong?"

"No..." Jessica said, shaking her head halfheartedly. The game had been up for so long that she didn't know how to drop it.

"Oh ... Oh the ginseng cream on my umma's knuckles... Oh ." Taeyeon stumbled back into the wall, pulling at her hair.

"No, no." Jessica closed the distance between them. "I can't believe this is happening." She had waited for so long. "I don't know if you'll remember this in the morning."

Taeyeon had woken up with a splitting hangover but a completely, fully, perfectly intact memory, and they were indeed no longer just friends.

"Krys... Krys... Krys..." She was lying with her head on her sister's lap, whining.

"What, what, what?" 

"What should I do? Miss Kim is being awfully nice lately."

"She should be. Her fan could have killed you, or worse."

"It's not like she told the fan to do that. Be a good sister and get confused with me."

"Not interested, sorry."

Jessica was sad. She hadn't raised her baby sister right.

She had accumulated maybe a hundred unglamorous photos of Girls' Generation in the changing room, and thirty of them were Taeyeon in varying states of undress. She could send one to Taeyeon to piss the woman off, then they would be back to insulting each other, and she wouldn't be so confused anymore.

She attached a photo in the chat conversation with Taeyeon, but didn't send it. 

Instead, she typed out a lovely message and posted it before she could stop herself. Was Taeyeon doing well? The reply was quick, nearly instantaneous. Yes, Taeyeon was doing well, and she wondered how the one and only Jung Jessica was doing that day. O.K.A.Y., so Taeyeon hadn't said "the one and only", but a girl could dream.

Jessica replied that she was fine, thank you very much. She asked Taeyeon what was for breakfast, if she had watched the latest Taylor Swift video, when her next schedule started.

It was very entertaining to Jessica. Taeyeon started out cordial and worried. Throughout the day, Taeyeon's patience slowly drained away irrational vestiges of guilt or obligation.

Jessica's favorite conversation made the arugula salad she was having for dinner taste like thick, juicy steak.

[Taeyeon]
[Sent 18:12]
can u believe it? just had lunch and krys wants 2 eat again!
[Received 18:13]
So have dinner.
[Sent18:14]
but im still full! gna be fat
[Received 18:15]
Then Yuri is obese.
[Sent 18:15]
LOL im telling yul seobang
[Received 18:16]
What?! No! I was just joking. As in, if you're fat, then Yuri is obese.
[Sent 18:17]
hahahaha ofc
[Received 18:18]
:(
[Sent 18:19]
its funny cos ppl have been calling yul fat cos of her yoga arms
[Received 18:20]
:((
[Sent 18:20]
dont worry i didnt tell her
but i couldve >)

There are rational reasons not to, and there are even more irrational reasons. But Jessica didn't care. This time was different. They had both grown, so this time would have to be different. Maybe she had missed something out the first time. Hadn't appreciated enough. Isn't that what young kids do, and old people realize? She wanted in, again.

A/N: That moment when you've written a chapter so long ago that you just can't bring yourself to finish it. When is GG coming back T.T Thanks for the comments/upvotes/subscriptions last chapter T.T How was this one?