[TRIGGER WARNING ahead!]

Baekhyun’s sides were hurting, his lungs felt like bursting, but he did not stop running. He had to be somewhere around here!

It was hard to run on sand and his legs were protesting. How far could Zitao have walked off?

Where would you go to, Baekhyun? Where would you go to?, he constantly asked himself as he run the beach down looking for Zitao. Somewhere no one would find me… Somewhere you could watch the sun set and still feel the sand between your feet.

He didn’t have much time left until sunset, the sun was already standing so low that the ocean was tinted in a golden glow. The surface sparkled like a million diamonds. Just as he stood there, admiring the phenomenon, he saw Zitao.

He was sitting not far from where he was standing, on a small hill, hidden between long grass, his toes were dug into the warm sand and he watched the sun set.

In his left hand he was holding a large bottle, his right hand was clenched to a fist. Baekhyun’s heart skipped a beat when Zitao opened his fist and led his hand to his mouth.

“No! NO, STOP!”, he shouted and ran closer to Zitao.

Baekhyun recognized the sign on the bottle that had gone missing from the basement: Vodka. The sand beneath his feet whirled up and was carried through the windy air as he stopped next to Zitao, who had leaned back and wrapped his arms around himself. His eyes were closed, he looked peaceful, asleep.

“NO! SPIT IT OUT!”, Baekhyun screamed. But Zitao didn't react.

“No”, Baekhyun whispered and grabbed his friend's shoulders. “No, Tao… Tao? Say something, please”, he begged. Baekhyun whimpered. “NO, WAKE UP!”, he shouted and shook his friend.

“Those sleeping pills cannot kill you, y-you… you just need to throw… t-them up”, he sobbed while shaking Zitao in his arms until he had no strength.

Baekhyun gasped for air as tears streamed down his face. With a sudden jerk the tall male in his arms sat up.

“Oh god”, he pressed out with a hoarse voice and covered his mouth and held his stomach. Baekhyun’s body relaxed as Zitao leaned over the sandy hill and threw up. He quickly crawled over and patted on Zitao’s back until he had calmed down. He handed Zitao a tissue and Zitao accepted it with a pale face. He already looked half-dead, his eyes flickering restless.

“How did you find me?”, Zitao asked and wiped his mouth. His voice was hoarse and rough.

Baekhyun bit his lip. “I felt like you were going to do it… again”, he murmured. Zitao hesitated. “Seems you were the only one to understand”, he said then.

Baekhyun sat closer. “Please, don’t try it again, Tao”, he whispered. “There are things you don’t understand, Baekhyun”, Zitao said emotionless.

Baekhyun shook his head. “I can’t do this anymore, I want it to end, Baekhyun”, Zitao said and his voice started shaking. “I only want it to end. It hurts so badly”, he whispered. He wrapped his arms around himself, his fingers dug into his leather jacket.

“It hurts”, he whispered barely audible and cried so heavily his whole body was trembling.

“Let me go, please… please. Why did it not work?”, Zitao whispered. Baekhyun gently nuzzled into Zitao’s side. “No”, he whispered back.

“There are a few things that make us wanna die”, Baekhyun said quietly. Zitao looked up.

“But to every single one of them comes a million reasons to stay alive”, Baekhyun said and looked at Zitao.

Zitao stared at him. “How…?”, he whispered. “Look, there is one of them”, Baekhyun murmured and pointed forward.

The sun was melting into the ocean and painted the sky and the ocean into a painting of purple, pink and red. The soft waves glittered in the setting sun and the constant surge of waves calmed the two boys.

Zitao leaned against Baekhyun. “How did you know about the sleeping pills?”, he asked after a while of silence.

Baekhyun didn’t answer, he just sat there, shivering in the fresh ocean breeze and stared at the sunset. Zitao hesitated but took off his leather jacket and wrapped it around Baekhyun’s shoulders. “You don’t have to tell me. I won’t say a word to the others either way and I hope… you won’t as well”, Zitao whispered. Baekhyun barely nodded.

The sun was already gone and it had gotten really cool, when Baekhyun shifted slightly. “I’m so tired”, he murmured. Zitao nodded, he knew that Baekhyun didn’t mean that he felt sleepy. “Yeah, me too”, he said quietly.

Baekhyun slowly leaned back and lay down onto the warm sand, Zitao looked at him and finally lay down as well. They watched the stars appearing over the ink-blue sky, sparkling in the clear night.

“Almost 2 years ago, I’ve tried committing suicide in a similar way as you did... I threw it all up in the end”, Baekhyun said.

Zitao didn’t comment on Baekhyun’s story, he was lying on his back, his face still pale, the bags under his eyes heavier and darker as ever before.

“I really believe what I said before… that there are a million reasons to stay alive to one single thing that kills you”, Baekhyun said and turned his head to look at Zitao.

“But I know it’s hard to believe, hard to… see it, hard to understand”, he murmured. “I’ve learnt to live with that pain and I mean I’m mostly happy, but I won’t lie, there are many days on which I wish my body had just let me die that day”.

Zitao slowly shifted on the sand and turned towards Baekhyun; his eyes were empty and dull. “What is that one thing that kills you?”, he asked quietly.

Baekhyun looked away.

“I-I’ve tried so hard to push it away, to ignore it, to pretend it wasn’t there that I destroyed myself. I hated myself, I still do to be honest”, Baekhyun whispered and placed one arm over his eyes.

Zitao watched tears trickling down from beneath Baekhyun’s arm. Baekhyun shortly gave a miserable laughter.

“I’ve dated 3 girls, flirted with many only to forget about him, but whom can I kid? I cannot run away from my own mind and heart. And there… is only him”, Baekhyun said.

Zitao sat up abruptly, so quick that he almost threw up again.

“Him?”, he asked. Baekhyun didn’t answer and more tears dropped down from his cheeks, but he cried quietly without sobbing, without screaming.

Zitao knew that phase, he had been at that state before; a state where you didn’t even have the power anymore to scream and cry out loud.

“Don’t tell him”, Baekhyun whispered as he took a shaky breath.

“I’ve known him since I can think, we went to kindergarten together, to middle and high school. And as a kid you cannot tell love and friendship apart, but I think… I’ve always loved him”, he said.

“Don’t tell him”, he added after a while of silence. “Don’t tell, Chanyeol”.

Zitao didn’t need to ask, Baekhyun had every reason to keep his uality a secret especially in front of Chanyeol. Chanyeol was a nice guy and funny, but his homophobic jokes were actually serious. Zitao didn’t even want to think about how Chanyeol would react if he ever found out about Baekhyun's feelings.

“From all the people, I feel like I fell in love with the most unreachable, the most impossible one and yet he is the closest to me”, Baekhyun said.

Zitao nodded quietly and raised his hand, his long fingers vanished between the raven black hair.

“Tao? Why did you… do it for a second time?”, Baekhyun asked quietly.

Zitao gently tucked on his own hair.

“I’m going to bleach them. Do you think blonde hair will suit me?”, he asked instead. Baekhyun opened his mouth, but he understood Zitao, it was too early to talk about it and it had taken so much effort and courage to tell Zitao. It had been years now since his failed attempt and until now he hadn’t talked about it to anyone.

He flinched as he felt Zitao’s cool fingers on his arm, he didn’t say a word, but Baekhyun understood that Zitao tried to show sympathy in the best way possible. And while drowning in his own pain it was hard to say ‘sorry’ or comfort anyone else.

It was dark and cold, when Zitao got up. “Have you ever thought of… dating a guy instead of a girl? Maybe that’ll make more sense”, he murmured. Baekhyun got up as well and shook his head.

“I don’t want to… And besides, everyone would find out then”, he added. “You only need to tell them it’s a girl, how should they know it’s a guy”, Zitao murmured.

Baekhyun leaned against his taller friend. “I don’t know anymore…”

Zitao hummed. “I don’t want to go back”, Baekhyun said after a while. “Me neither”, Zitao said.

“Tao!”

Both flinched and turned around, through the darkness someone was approaching them.

“There you are. We all were worried as hell!”, Luhan called as he made his way to them over the uneven ground.

“You… you guys, were worried?”, Zitao asked and sounded really surprised. Luhan glared at him. “Of course, we were. I was! You had started acting weird, I’m glad Baekhyun ran after you”, he said and then sighed. He pulled out his mobile and dialed a number.

“Alright, I’ve found them on the beach. I bring them back home, meet you there”, Luhan said and hung up.

“You started searching for us?”, Baekhyun asked. Luhan looked at him. “Do you know what time it is?”, he asked.

Baekhyun shook his head, he had no watch with him and neither had Zitao.

“It’s 2am and we figured that even a long walk could not take that long”, Luhan said. He shortly looked at Baekhyun, then he reached his hands out and took Zitao’s hand. “It’s time to go home, okay?”, he said carefully.

Zitao didn’t move and Luhan stepped closer. “I have something for you”, he murmured and handed him the silver watch.

“I know you don’t want to talk about it and I understand that it might be too early for that. It’s okay, but it’s not okay to run away and refuse my help. I’m your friend, Tao”, Luhan said.

Zitao raised his head. “Why then did Baekhyun notice but not you?”, he asked.

Luhan stared at him. “Of course I noticed! But what do you expect? I have my own problems too! We all have, Tao! You obviously didn’t notice that despite all the people talked about you, I didn’t push you away. I defended you, I tried my best to help you. I know it’s hard, for god’s sake! But I can’t always be there, Tao. I really want to, but look… Baekhyun came and do you know why? Because I’m not your only friend, there are so many other people worried about you, people who care about you. Have you thought about them as well? You are not alone, Tao”, Luhan called, breathing heavily.

“I’m sorry, I’m not great at comforting or how to tell people to stay alive…”, Luhan said then. Zitao looked down. “No, sorry, I didn’t want to question you… I don’t”, he murmured.

Luhan pulled him into a hug.

***

“I’ve thought about what Luhan said”, Jongdae murmured. He heard how Minseok shifted on his bed, probably turning around to look at him. But Jongdae was staring at the wall.

“Yeah?”, Minseok asked.

“You know about that this won’t work out”, Jongdae said.

“Do you think something changed?”, Minseok asked. Jongdae finally turned around and sat up. His messy hair was falling into his eyes as he shook his head. “No”.

Minseok sat up as well. “I mean after the kissing…”, he added. Jongdae shook his head again.

“I mean it’s just and kissing, if we want to do it a bit slower then why not? There’s no difference in the feelings”, he said. Minseok hesitated but got up and climbed onto Jongdae’s bed.

“I’m a bit too tired to do it now”, Jongdae murmured. Minseok smiled. “I didn’t come over to have with you”, he said. “Then what?”, Jongdae asked.

“To try something out”, Minseok said and climbed over Jongdae’s legs. His knees rested right and left next to Jongdae’s hip.

Jongdae looked up confused, but in the next moment he was pinned down to the mattress by Minseok. His kiss took his breath away, but still it was a very gentle kiss. Minseok’s fingers slid into his hair, caressing his neck. Jongdae gasped for air before Minseok pushed his tongue past Jongdae’s lips. Jongdae’s hands held onto the thin shirt Minseok was wearing.

They slowly rolled on the bed until Jongdae lay on top of Minseok.

this chapter was pretty... rough.

sorry >< (next chapter will definitely not be so angsty. promise!)

I put a trigger warning ahead for the suicide attempt, at first I wanted to leave out any description of it, but decided to leave it as it is.

Baekhyun says a few things about being suicidal and getting over it and they reflect my own opinion and experience.

When I wrote this story I wanted it to be realistic about suffering from depression and I just want everyone to know that you can beat it

and you have friends that will stay with you through your journey and help you. You are never alone.

I hope you'll stick with the story to follow Tao's journey to get better and make peace with his past...

My askbox is always open, on AFF as well on tumblr if you ever need to talk