Zitao felt so proud, so happy… a weird feeling, he hadn’t felt in a long time.

But standing there, holding his certificate and the flower bouquet, having officially graduated from high school, he felt so proud. The twins had come to his ceremony, he spotted them in a back row grinning at him and he saw his grandparents smiling even more proud at him. His grandmother was crying and Zitao had to gulp down his own tears.

He had received a call by an overly excited Sehun, who had invited him to a graduation party that was taking place at Chanyeol’s house. Zitao had not agreed on coming, but simply said he would think over it. The party would be next week, so he still had some time to think about it. He wanted to see his friends, but then he would have to say goodbye to them again, because he had no intention of staying in Korea. He had already applied for various colleges in Beijing and other cities.

Sure, in Korea there were his friends, but he feared that the shadows of his depression might haunt him once he returned to the streets he had walked with Yifan. And there was one place he couldn’t think of ever returning: his parents’ house. There was his room with the new pillows, an old desk with the drawer in which a diary full of old dreams lay. A room that only reminded him of giving up and losing his dreams.

And going back to Korea for a night of partying sounded stupid.

But a week later, Zitao sat in the plane anyways, he told himself that he missed his friends. Luhan and Sehun most of all. They hadn’t seen each other in almost a year and he wondered what they were doing after high school, how they were doing.

Weirdly enough his father picked him up from the airport probably because his grandparents had called him. Zitao had avoided any contact with his parents no matter how hard his grandparents had tried to persuade him to call them. His grandparents didn’t know the exact details of his hospital stay this summer and thought that he had had a fight with his parents. Zitao couldn’t bring himself to tell his grandmother that he had tried to take his life.

His father just nodded at Zitao as they found each other in the arrival hall, he took Zitao’s suitcase wordlessly and they went to the car. “How are they?”, his father finally asked after a while of silence. He didn’t look at Zitao and just focused on the red traffic lights. Zitao looked at him and cleared his throat. “Uhm… who?”, he asked back. “Your grandparents”, his father said.  

“Ah… good. Good. They’re doing well. Grandma gets a bit forgetful though”, he added. His father hummed and then they were silent for the rest of the ride.

When he arrived at his parents’ house, he was surprised that his mother was already waiting for him and a delicious smell of food lingered in the air.

“Welcome home”, his mother said with a nervous smile. Zitao bit his lip and entered the kitchen. “You can bring your stuff upstairs later, come… sit down. You’re probably hungry”, she added and pulled him over to the table.

“What is that all for?”, Zitao asked and pointed at the set table and eyed the food his mother served. It was his favourite food.

She laughed a bit. “Ah well… you graduated from High School that’s a reason to celebrate, isn’t it?”, she said and squeezed Zitao’s shoulder with her tiny hand. Zitao looked at his plate.

“Uhm… yeah”, he murmured and wondered if that was the real reason or if his parents just felt really guilty of how dismissive they had behaved towards him.

They ate in silence and the weak attempts of his mother to make conversation failed utterly.

It was a relief when Zitao could finally leave the kitchen, although he didn’t want to go to his room, it was good to be alone. His father had brought the suitcase to his room, but Zitao couldn’t bring himself to unpack anything. His room looked like he had left it.

A perfect made bed, a tidy room, a half empty closet, just that everything was covered in a thin layer of dust. It seemed like his parents had never entered his room just once while he had been away. The panic and fear to enter his room had been without reason, there was no wave of old memories washing over him and focring him down.

Zitao sat on the cold bed as someone knocked on the door. His mother peeked inside and smiled a bit. “May I come in?”, she asked. Zitao shrugged and so she entered and closed the door carefully behind her.

She sat down next to Zitao and eyed him, then she reached out her hand and over his cheek. Zitao flinched, he couldn’t remember when his mother had such a thing the last time… It was such a distant memory that Zitao couldn’t tell. It felt strange.

“My sweet son”, she said. When Zitao turned his head to look at her, he realized that it hadn’t just been him who had changed through time. His mother had small wrinkles around her eyes and . Was that a grey strand in the black hair?

“For the past years… I’ve convinced myself that our relationship wasn’t good because you were a teenager and that’s how teenagers are. Parents are just annoying at such a time”, she said. Zitao didn’t say anything.

“I remember how we went on vacations the last time, the three of us. You had almost cried because you father didn’t buy you the-“, she started with a quiet laughter.

“Mum”, Zitao interrupted her. “Why would you bring such a thing up?”, he asked.

And he was shocked as he saw how sad she looked and she gently his cheek before pulling her hand back. “You’re my son, Taozi. But…  I lost you along the way, I had thought you might one day come back home, sit with us at the table and tell us how your day had been, just like you used to do”, she said with a sad smile. Zitao opened his mouth.

“You didn’t seem to care much”, Zitao said simply. His mother slightly shook her head. “Oh, Tao. Of course, I care… And so I thought leaving you alone, was the best way. I was very wrong”, she said

“Mum, stop trying so hard”, Zitao said and raised his hands. “I saw how you looked at me and I know what you thought when you had to visit me at the hospital. You wondered what you have been doing wrong and how I could just turn out like this. A complete disgrace and embarrassment”, Zitao said and looked away.

“No, Tao… You’re not a disgrace! Who told you such a thing?”, she called distraught. Zitao looked at her, her eyes were genuine.

“I need to ask you this, Zitao”, she said with a serious but also fearful expression.

“Was it my fault?”, she asked, her hands held tightly onto the bed sheets. Zitao’s eyes widened. “What?”

She shook her head. “You were so sad, you were devastated and I didn’t notice! You tried to commit suicide and I had no idea…”, she called. Zitao covered his eyes.

“No, mum. It is not your fault”, he murmured. “But yeah, you didn’t notice anything because I wanted to keep everything a secret”.

He saw out of the corner of his eyes how she was trembling. “Whose fault was it then?”, she asked pressed. Zitao took a deep breath.

“Maybe it was also my own fault, all along”, he said. His mother looked confused at him. “What do you mean?”

Zitao closed his eyes. “A year ago, I met someone and… this person…”, he started. He opened his eyes when he felt his mother’s hand on his.

“You fell in love with that person?”, she asked gently. “Was it because of love sickness?”, she added. Zitao pressed his lips together, he felt tears walling up and he shook his head.

“No, yes… somehow”.

His mother nodded and held onto his hand. “Who was that girl? Do I know her?”, she asked.

“Why do you want to know that anyways?”, he murmured.

“I understand that you don’t want to talk about her, but… I need to know. I’m… not a good mother, I couldn’t protect you from such a severe pain”, she said.

“I want to see that girl and-“

Zitao breathed out and pulled his hand away. “It was no girl, mum”, he said. His mother opened in surprise. “Oh”.

She turned away her head and brushed a strand of her hair back as she searched for words. Zitao shook his head. “Mum, you don’t have to try and act like…”, he started.

His mother shook her head and murmured something incomprehensible as she fumbled around on her neck. Then she finally managed to take off the necklace she had been wearing underneath her shirt; with trembling hands she put it into Zitao’s hands.

“If you think a mother would stop loving her son for loving another man and for being sad and helpless, what mother would that be? It is my duty as a mother to love you regardless of what you do, but since… I-I… you know, since that day, I realized that it is not as taken for granted as you always imagine it to be”, she said and closed Zitao’s fingers around the necklace.

“Your father bought me this necklace when I told him that I was pregnant with you”, she said and patted his fingers.

“Mum”, Zitao said overwhelmed. He didn’t know how to react to the surprising words of his mother. She pulled him into a hug and Zitao buried his face in her shoulder and let his tears fall.

“What did he do to you?”, she whispered.

Zitao cried without answering, when his tears had dried, his mother was still holding him. She gently his back and hummed quietly a familiar melody. Zitao couldn’t quite tell where he knew that melody from, but it was comforting and warm. His head was heavy and his body exhausted and so he fell asleep in her arms.

“It must have been 11 years that I’ve brought him to bed and stayed with him until he fell asleep”, she said quietly. Her husband said nothing and just turned the pages of the newspaper.

She put the tea cup down, the lights in the living room were dimmed.

“I want to see the man who did this to my boy. I want to look him in the eyes and ask him, why”, she whispered. Her husband put the newspaper down.

“You should go to bed, it is late”, he simply said. He hadn’t taken it well, when his wife had revealed that the reason behind Zitao’s depression was a man.

***

“Baekhyun!”

Baekhyun shut the door of his locker for the last time. It was the last time that he would walk through this school.

“Baek!” He turned around as someone called his name repeatedly, but his stomach did a flip when he saw a tall male making his way through the crowd.

He had seen Chanyeol through the past months in the hallways and in the cafeteria. But Baekhyun had avoided talking to him or looking at him as much as possible, he had buried his nose in books and notes and studied. He had studied so much that he would be exhausted and fall asleep right away, so he had no time to think about him.

“Hey…”, he murmured when Chanyeol finally reached him.

“Congratulations for making it into the top 10”, Chanyeol said with a sheepish smile. Baekhyun shoulder his bag and nodded. “Thanks”.

Chanyeol cleared his throat. “Uhm, so… we are throwing a party at my house on Friday”, he said hesitant. Baekhyun raised his eyebrows.

“Okay”.

Chanyeol sighed. “Come on, Baek. Please, come to the party, alright?”, he said. Baekhyun looked into the face of a boy he used to call his best friend.

But he couldn’t tell him and so he just nodded. “Alright”. Chanyeol looked positively surprised. “Really? That’s great. Even Zitao said he’ll come”, he called happily. Baekhyun managed to smile a bit.

***

“Good morning”.

Zitao yawned and was taken aback when he found a set breakfast table in the kitchen and his mother waiting for him with a wide smile.

Zitao sat down. “Why are you not at work?”, he asked. She smiled. “I took a day off…”, she said and tilted her head. “Come… eat”, she said and pointed at the food. Zitao hesitated but then started eating and he ate lots as it had been a while since he had such a proper breakfast.

“You’re wearing the necklace”, she said. Zitao looked up, but as his mouth was full he couldn’t answer so he just nodded. She smiled. “Good… you know, that… guy. Did you go to China because of him?”, she asked. Zitao gulped down. “Yeah”.

His mother looked worried. “Tao… Do you still love him?”, she asked quietly. Zitao looked down and stirred in his food. “Tao?”

“I know it sounds stupid, but yes… yes, I still love him”, he answered finally. She sighed.

“Tao, you know a person who broke you, can’t fix you”, she said carefully. Zitao shoved the bowl away from him and looked directly at her.

“Yes, I know that. And that’s why I forgave him. The only person who can fix me, is myself, isn’t it?”, he asked.

His mother looked taken aback. “You grew up so quickly… look at you”, she murmured. Zitao smiled a bit.

“Does that mean, you… you two are dating again?”, she asked hesitant. Zitao chewed on his lip and shook his head. “No, I… I wasn’t ready for that step when I met him in China. And he’s not really a person who can just…”, he said and raised his hands.

His mother looked puzzled. “It is complicated”, Zitao said and pulled up his shoulders. “What do you mean?”, his mother asked.

Zitao pursed his lips. “He’s… quite well-known”, he said. His mother raised her eyebrows. “Okay?” Zitao nodded and looked at his hands.

“Never mind, I’ll be at Chanyeol’s place tonight. It’s a graduation party, don’t wait for me. I’ll be back home late”, he said and got up. His mother got up as well.

“You’re coming home, are you?”, she asked. Zitao opened his mouth and couldn’t find any words as his mother had tears in her eyes.

“It is hard to forget how it feels like to lose your son”, she said. Zitao walked around the table and hugged her. “I’ll come back home, mum. Promise”, he said.

Zitao had some time until they were meeting at Chanyeol’s house, but he wasn’t quite sure what to do, so he texted Luhan, asking if they could meet up earlier.

It was no surprise that Sehun was there as well and greeted him stormy. Luhan’s mother welcomed Zitao as well with a friendly smile whereas she only had a cool smile for Sehun whenever he accidently looked into her direction.

Up in Luhan’s room, he revealed that he had introduced Sehun to his parents just before graduation. Zitao stared at him. “Really?”

Sehun shrugged. “Look at his mother. You can tell, I’m already a part of this family”, he said and laughed. Luhan slightly nudged him. “That’s not funny…”

Sehun sighed. “She was not happy… Don’t deny it, Luhan. She can’t stand me”, he said and shook his head. Luhan bit his lip, but Sehun smiled and leaned closer.

“I don’t mind, though”, he whispered and shortly pecked his earlobe. Luhan smiled faintly.

“What are your plans from now on?”, Zitao asked as he watched them. The two exchanged gazes and blushed. “Uhm…”

Zitao rolled his eyes. “I was talking about university and stuff, not when your wedding is going to be”, he said.

Luhan reddened even more. “Ah, well. I-I’m supposed to take over my dad’s business, so I don’t have many options”, he sighed. Sehun leaned back.

“Well, I intend to stay with Luhan, so I started a job at his dad’s company. I thought of going to university, but I have no clue what I want to do”, he said and sighed.

“What about you?”, Luhan asked carefully. Zitao nodded with a smile. “I applied for a few universities. I want to study design, it has been on my mind since I applied at the model agency”, he said and tilted his head.

“And… uhm, you know with… Yifan?”, Sehun said hesitant. Zitao hummed and looked out the window.

“I don’t know where he is or what he’s doing. He’s been really busy lately, I’ve heard that he’s travelling a lot”, he said.

Sehun and Luhan exchanged gazes and Zitao frowned. “What?”

Luhan bit his lip. “Yifan is currently filming a drama here, in Seoul”, he said and furrowed his eyebrows. “We thought you knew…”

Zitao shook his head. “No, I didn’t give him a way to contact me… so even if he’s here, we probably won’t meet”, he said and shrugged.

“Well… we should leave. The others can’t wait to see you again”, Sehun said with a smile. Zitao hummed.

The three got up and left for Chanyeol’s house.

Zitao was welcomed back so cheerfully and warmly that he almost teared up, because he was so surprised. Minseok and Jongdae seemed to have made their relationship public and were never seen wtihout each other, either their hands firmly linked or their arms thrown around the other one's shoulder or waist. 

Baekhyun and Chanyeol seemed to be a bit awkward around each other, but besides that they were just their usual loud and noisy selves. Everyone seemed happy and doing well. Luhan and Sehun weren't as open as Minseok and Jongdae, who got a bit too intimate from time to time although there were people surrounding them. But as soon as someone would complain that this house wasn't a brothel, everyone would laugh and they stopped. Chanyeol didn't say one word against it, Zitao saw him even laughing along and even smiling once at Minseok and Jongdae kissing.

Luhan sat next to Sehun, their hands slightly touching and whenever no one was looking, they stole quick and chaste kisses. Zitao remembered how Sehun had been like with Jongin and felt oddly relieved when he saw how gently Luhan touched Sehun and how carefully he kissed him. Before his thoughts could slip away toward Yifan, he got involved into a conversation about their future plans and was grateful for that.

***

The others had all left and it was quiet. Baekhyun was sitting on Chanyeol’s bed, his legs hanging down, slightly swaying back and forth. Baekhyun hadn’t really wanted to tell everyone that he was leaving, but he couldn’t lie when Zitao asked what his future plans were.

He didn’t say to which country he would go, he just mentioned to leave the country. Chanyeol was the only one who was not surprised, as he had called Baekhyun the day before to ensure that he was really coming to the goodbye party. And Baekhyun had revealed that he would study abroad, so he would come to the party to say goodbye to everyone.

“I wanted to give you a goodbye gift”, Chanyeol said as he sat down next to Baekhyun. Baekhyun gave him a side glance.

“But I couldn’t find anything that would be suitable… and I feel like you don’t want an object that reminds you of me”, Chanyeol said and bit his lip.

“I was really selfish, wasn’t I?”, Baekhyun asked. “Selfish?”, Chanyeol asked surprised. Baekhyun nodded and pulled up his legs to his chest.

“I cut you out, because I was hurting around you. I forgot about the part of being best friends and just left you like this. I hadn’t thought much about it, because I had believed you would hate me... I'm sorry”, Baekhyun said.

Chanyeol shook his head. “Hate you? You know, I would never hate you”, he said. Baekhyun gave him another side glance. “Don’t give me that look”, Chanyeol complained quietly.

“Come here”, he said and opened his arms. Baekhyun crawled closer and let Chanyeol hug him. “This is going to be our last hug, okay?”, Baekhyun said muffled.

Chanyeol hummed. “Then I’ll make sure it’s a long one”, he added. Baekhyun looked up and saw that Chanyeol was smiling sadly.

“I’ve missed you a lot, Baekhyun and I’m going to miss you more. You will definitely not tell me where you’re going to go?”, Chanyeol asked. Baekhyun shook his head.

“Minseok was right in the end, I can’t believe it”, Chanyeol said and closed his eyes. “What do you mean?”, Baekhyun asked.

“Minseok said that I would regret it. And I really regret nothing more than this”, Chanyeol said. Baekhyun shook his head. “What do you regret?”

Chanyeol covered his eyes with one hand. “Not trying hard enough… you wouldn’t stay here, if I asked you, would you?”, Chanyeol asked and pulled away his hand looking at Baekhyun.

Baekhyun opened his mouth. “It is not like the last time, when I brought you home and asked you the same question”, Chanyeol said quietly.

“You remember that?”, Baekhyun asked. “Everything”, Chanyeol answered calmly. “You had the same look in your eyes like now”, Chanyeol added and cupped Baekhyun’s face.

“Please, stop, Chanyeol”, Baekhyun whispered. Chanyeol’s thumb caressed Baekhyun’s cheek. “Why do you make it so hard for me to leave?”, Baekhyun asked as he felt tears walling in his eyes.

“Because I don’t want you to leave”, Chanyeol said and his hand through Baekhyun’s hair.

Baekhyun lifted his head and pulled Chanyeol closer, but he remembered how Chanyeol had reacted last time and stopped.

Chanyeol opened his mouth. “What are you waiting for, Baekhyun?”, he asked quietly. Baekhyun’s eyes widened, then he kissed Chanyeol.

He was scared of letting go again, but he could barely breathe. His breath was shaking and tears rolled down his cheek when he pulled back. When he opened his eyes, he shook his head and pressed his lips together, trying to keep the taste of the chaste kiss.

“It’s like drinking salt water, it’s not enough. Why did I do that?”, Baekhyun whispered. Chanyeol cupped Baekhyun’s face and leaned over him until Baekhyun was lying flat on his back on the bed. Chanyeol’s kiss took him by surprise, especially when Chanyeol tilted his head and his lips moved against Baekhyun.

“Why?”, Baekhyun whispered breathless against Chanyeol’s lips.

“I said I want to give you a goodbye gift…”, Chanyeol murmured. Baekhyun closed his eyes. “I see”. And he pulled Chanyeol down to kiss him once more and tried to burn every single detail into his memory forever.

Baekhyun's lips were swollen when Chanyeol had pulled back, having a weird feeling in his chest, when Baekhyun opened his puffy eyes. He had been crying and had only stopped trembling once Chanyeol had held him tightly. The look in Baekhyun's eyes was unbearable, but Chanyeol couldn't avert his eyes.

Slowly Baekhyun got up, both felt a bit dizzy after the long and passionate kiss. It felt almost surreal when Baekhyun walked toward the door to leave, he picked up his bag and had already opened the door. "Can't you stay... for this night?", Chanyeol asked quietly. But his voice still sounded too loud after the long silence.

Baekhyun turned around, he bit his lip and then shook his head.

"My flight leaves tomorrow morning, Chanyeol".

Chanyeol crossed the room with a few quick steps and pulled Baekhyun into a tight embrace. He felt how Baekhyun slowly pushed him back and looked at him for a while. "Goodbye, Chanyeol", he said quietly. He opened his mouth and hesitated. "Thank you... for everything".

Chanyeol slowly let go off him, he walked Baekhyun to the front door. It was almost cold outside when Baekhyun pushed the door open and swung the bag over his shoulder. He turned around one last time. "Chanyeol?"

Something in Chanyeol's eyes flickered, but it could have been because of the dim light and Baekhyun's puffy eyes that he was imagining things.

"I wanted to say it once...", Baekhyun murmured. Chanyeol shivered in a sudden breeze and Baekhyun tiptoed and his lips graced Chanyeol's ear when he whispered: "I love you". He pressed his lips gently and carefully against Chanyeol's cheek and then pulled back. Chanyeol opened his mouth, but the moment was over and he didn't say anything, so Baekhyun smiled and left.

It was 4 am and Chanyeol couldn't go to bed. He hadn't cleaned up yet and when he walked into the kitchen he found the polaroid camera and a few pictures they had taken during the evening scattered over the table. There was one of him and Baekhyun standing together in the kitchen, Luhan and Zitao were to be seen as well, but Chanyeol only saw Baekhyun and himself. Almost as if nothing had ever happened, a laughter, so happy and carefree, frozen on a picture.

The picture was a lie... a false impression of happiness and with a sudden horrible realization he lowered the picture and stormed toward the kitchen window as if Baekhyun was still standing outside. But the street was empty and dark and Chanyeol knew that Baekhyun would never come back.

And most of all he knew that that night he had lost more than just his best friend.

Hey guys, here is the Final chapter of this story!!

I will upload an epilogue in a few days, so please stay tuned ^^

Thank you so so much for following this story up until now!

Thank you for all the comments and upvotes and of course for subscribing!!

Please let me hear your thoughts on this chapter as well~ I appreciate all of your opinions and comments ♥

I am very sorry that this chapter ended so sadly for Baekyeol, especially now that Chanyeol learnt so much about himself and his feelings >_<