Zitao’s heart felt like it was going to burst. The airport brought back memories; somewhere around here his life had fallen apart. He had wanted to fly to China as well, but then he had seen that damn magazine with that one damn article. And that one article that had torn apart his heart, had taken all the air from his lungs. Suddenly his past months had been a lie and his dreams and hopes and goals were ash and dust.

A face came floating up in his mind, a smirk that made his heart burn, the feeling of soft skin beneath his fingers that gave him a tingling feeling and made him wanting to tear the skin from his hands.

“Are you alright?”

Zitao flinched and looked up. A female security guard was eyeing him worried and he quickly nodded.

“Yes, yes. Thank you, it’s just… I’m a bit… I’m leaving and I won’t come back here”, he stuttered. She smiled.

“Ah, I see… that feeling won’t last. I wish you all the best”, she said and walked away. Zitao quickly sat down at the waiting area of his gate.

There was a magazine that already looked a bit tattered lying on the seat next to him and Zitao closed his eyes. The magazine brought up an unpleasant memory…

He pressed his bag into his chest and held tightly onto it, he could feel the sharp edges of a book inside it. It had been finished really quickly and whenever he looked at it, he even felt a bit proud.

It didn’t matter that the pictures didn’t look like they a professional photo shoot, sure, but they were his. And they could be his key to finally end his pain.

4 hours later, he was standing in a hotel room in Beijing and was glad he hadn’t told his family that he was coming to China. He was tired and exhausted and the last thing he needed was curious uncles and aunts asking him how he was. What should he say?

All he could ever tell them was a lie. And surely they would insist on learning his reasons for coming back, which was another thing he didn’t want them to know.

Luhan, Sehun and Baekhyun were the only ones who knew and they hadn’t need to tell him directly, he had seen in their faces that none of them believed that he would get very far.

They hadn’t wanted to hurt him by telling him that harsh realistic fact, but Zitao knew it himself. He was trying to get his hopes up, but on the other hand he wasn’t yet sure what he was hoping for. He didn’t quite know himself what he was expecting to happen. He couldn’t hope for a sudden enlightenment, which would tell him what he should do.

He didn’t know if he really wanted to find out that one address and if he had the strength to go there. He didn’t know if that was going to ease his pain or worsen it and the only chance to find it out was to try.

So he left the next morning, determined to at least try his best, since he had worked so hard the last few days. He had been on the edge of giving up at 2 am and at 3 am he had been determined to completely rock this interview the next day and had cried himself to sleep one hour later.

All in all he didn’t feel very great when he arrived at the company building downtown and his mood worsened when he saw a bunch of other young people waiting. Zitao didn’t necessarily feel out of place, he had put extra effort into wearing nice clothes and even styled his hair, but still he felt a huge difference between him and the other people waiting in the large hall.

“Hey there”, someone said and when Zitao didn’t turn around, someone tapped his shoulder. “You don’t speak Chinese?”

Zitao looked into two almost identical faces. “Uh, I-I… I do”, he stuttered and quickly cleared his throat.

Confidence. The huge difference lay in their confidence. Zitao felt like everyone felt absolutely positive and confident about themselves. He was just someone who had disguised himself as one of them. But he was no model, he was no actor. He was a normal teenager who had recently tried to kill himself and couldn’t sleep at night and hated himself so badly that he believed every bad comment anyone ever made about him.

Suddenly he didn’t know anymore why he was sitting in the waiting room of a model agency and why he had ever believed to achieve anything.

“Ahh… nervous?”, one of the twins said with a broad smile.

“Soryong couldn’t sleep all night as well”, he said.

“Shut up, you were the one almost pissing his pants when you heard that the agency might be visited by a VIP and he could be in the jury”, Soryong hissed.

The other twin grimaced. “Not true! You got all excited about-“, he shot back, but stopped when he saw Zitao’s confused face.

“Sorry. I’m Daeryong and this is my twin brother Soryong”, he introduced himself. Zitao tried a weak smile. “Zitao”, he murmured.

“Dude, is that-? Oh my god, it’s really him!”, someone whispered. The twins and Zitao turned around, the others in the hall started whispering excitedly.

“I never thought he would come to the agency today… he’s super busy, isn’t he? It’s such an honour, you think we can get a picture with him later? Or an autograph?”, Daeryong whispered pulling on his brother’s sleeve.

“Ah, no man. I don’t think we can just walk up to him like… H-Hi”, he stuttered when a tall male with sun glasses passed him by.

Everyone’s eyes followed the celebrity walking quickly through the hall, accompanied by two large bodyguards with expressionless faces. His face was almost as emotionless as theirs, besides for a cold tiny smile that made Soryong blush furiously.

“Maybe you shouldn’t have simply said Hi?”, Daeryong said as the model had disappeared through a door at the end of the hall. His brother glared at him.

“He just looked at me! It was really awkward”, he hissed. “Did you see that-… Zitao?”, he asked and turned around.

Zitao was getting up from the floor, it looked like he had been tying his shoelaces. “Huh?”, he murmured. “You just… did you miss that?”, Daeryong asked pointed.

Zitao frowned. “Uh… what?”, he asked.

He begged no one would see the cold sweat on his forehead and no one would hear how fast his heart was beating. He could barely breathe and he felt like he was going to faint.

“It was China’s top model, oh well… he’s on the best way to become the next male top model! He’s gotten really famous…”, Soryong called and shook his head at Zitao’s lack of information. Zitao supported himself on the wall.

“Oh really”, he murmured. Don’t freak out, don’t freak out. Just keep on breathing, breathe, Tao, breathe, he told himself.

“Man, you look not good. Are you okay?”, Daeryong asked worried. “Are you that nervous?”, Soryong added.

Zitao opened his mouth, but in the next moment a female secretary stepped into the hall.

“Huang Zitao”, she said in a clear voice and he stumbled forward.

The interview was probably going to be a disaster, his anxiety attack was still tearing him up inside when he was guided into a smaller office.

But the man sitting behind the desk waiting for him was a friendly man in his late 40s and had a very soft voice, which helped Zitao to calm down.

“So, you’re turning 18 this year?”, the man asked. Zitao flinched, his thoughts were still uncontrolled and he had already forgotten what the man had asked before.

“I- yes”, he said quietly. “So are you a student?”, the man continued. Zitao nodded.

Eventually he asked for Zitao’s photo book, which seemed to impress him. “This is a great location”, he said while slightly nodding.

He took his time to look through the pictures, which surprised Zitao, he hadn’t thought the man would take so much time for him. But in the meantime he remembered his actual reason to come here. His eyes scanned the room, but he came to one conclusion.

“Are you saving my personal data?”, he asked carefully. The man looked up and smiled. “Of course, but you don’t have to worry. Our computers have a good security program”, he said.

Zitao nodded. Since he felt highly insecure about hacking himself into a well protected computer, the only chance to get this address was probably to somehow distract the man.

He was wondering about how to get him away from the computer when a mobile started ringing. “Oh, excuse me”, he said with a smile and picked up the call.

“Yes… Oh, right. Of course, right away. I’m sorry. Yes… yes”, he said. His voice sounded tense and his friendly face was gone.

“I’m sorry, Mr… Huang. We will contact you soon, I have to leave right away”, he said and got up. He grabbed his jacket and mobile.

He shook Zitao’s hand while leaving the room, but he didn’t lock his office. Zitao watched him hurrying through the long corridor, the secretary had just vanished into the bathroom and no one was around. So he closed his eyes and took a deep breath and snuck back into the office.

He was so nervous that he almost knocked over a vase, but fortunately he could catch it in the last second. The computer was still on and Zitao bit his lip as he hastily searched for the member’s data folder. His hands were shaking as he entered the name and he quickly made a picture of the screen with his mobile. He thought of deleting the last search for this name and closed the data folder and checked that the screen looked the same as it had when they had left. He hesitated but quickly wiped the keyboard with the hem of his shirt and then hushed back out of the office.

“What are you doing there?”

Zitao froze, his heart stopped and he barely dared to turn around. He had just closed the office door behind his back as the secretary walked up to him.

“I had forgotten my jacket”, Zitao stammered. “He hushed me out so suddenly… s-sorry. I couldn’t ask, because no one was around so I just got it. I’m really sorry”, he apologized.

She nodded hesitant. “It’s alright”.

There were steps approaching and the secretary hurried back behind her desk and Zitao just made it around the corner when he heard his interviewer’s voice and another man speaking.

“…congratulations… we’re all very happy to have you here”.

The other male laughed a bit. “I’m glad to be part of this agency as well. Thank you a lot, Mr Xi”, he said with his deep voice.

Zitao assumed they entered the office as a door closed and he ran as fast as he could and stopped as he had left the agency far behind him and couldn’t breathe anymore, but the laughter of that other male was still ringing in his ears.

The laughter he had banished so well out of his mind was back and brought along so many other memories. He didn’t know how but somehow he found himself in his hotel room a while later, where he sunk into his bed and buried his face in the pillow and wished they would suffocate him.

Why did he come here? It had just brought back everything and it hurt worse than ever before.

He pulled the blanket over his head and sobbed into the white bed sheets that smelled like soap and a decent scent of smoke.

Smoke…

[December, the year before]

Zitao was hurrying through the busy street, the cold wind was howling in his ears and a few snowflakes danced lonely through the white air.

A car honked and the grey mud of snow, rain and dirt on the ground soaked his shoes. Zitao cursed silently and pulled his hood deeper into his face. He was late for school and hadn’t finished the essay that was due today, he had sat over it the whole night until he had fallen asleep and had woken up 10 minutes ago. Mr Kim was going to have lots of fun embarrassing him in front of the entire class…

Zitao slithered over the icy ground as he ran around the corner, he looked back to check for cars as he wanted to cross the street.

But instead – “OUCH!”

Zitao staggered and tried to find his balance on the icy ground, his hood slid off his head and the cold wind ruffled through his hair and made his eyes teary. He had run into something hard. And something warm was quickly spreading on his arm and chest. Hot coffee.

“”. The hard thing was a tall man holding a coffee in one hand and a bag in the other.

Zitao groaned as he looked at his stained jacket and shoved his backpack higher up his shoulder.

“Oh sorry. Are you hurt?”, the tall man asked. Zitao looked up and glared at him. “No”.

The tall man eyed the coffee stain on Zitao’s jacket, but Zitao was in a hurry and had no time for dumb explanations and excuses of that stranger.

So he turned around and quickly crossed the street. “Hey!” Zitao sped up and pulled the hood back over his hair. “Wait! Hey, you… wait. Raven-boy”.

Zitao stopped and turned around. “Raven-boy?”, he asked.

The taller male had followed him and smiled a little and tilted his head. “You remind me of one…”, he said.

Zitao scowled. “That doesn’t sound really positive”, he said coolly.

The taller male hummed. “Depends”. Zitao shoved his chin forward. “What is it? I’m a bit short on time”, he growled.

“Mind for a coffee? I invite you… since I spilled mine all over you…”, he said. Zitao opened his mouth. “I- What? No… sorry, I’ll get in trouble if I don’t show up today”, he said and turned around.

“Yeah, me too. But I simply called my boss and told him I’m sick. It’s better like that. I can’t work when I’m too stressed out…”, he said.

Zitao raised his eyebrows. “Yeah well, I cannot simply call and take a day off”, he started. The taller male leaned forward with a smirk on his face.

“Your job must be really important then”, he said. Zitao had the strong urge to punch the stranger in his cold smooth smiling face.

“I don’t… I’m a student”, he pressed out. The smile vanished rather quickly on the stranger’s face. “Oh… how old are you then?”, he asked a little embarrassed. Zitao suppressed a grin.

“17”, he murmured. “Makes you a minor and me a really creepy guy, huh?”, the taller male laughed and sighed.

The snow was getting stronger and Zitao glanced nervously at his watch. “Yeah, it does. As you are obviously a erted old man creeping on students who are late for school”, he said and shoved his chin forward.

But he shivered and wrapped himself deeper into his jacket as a cold wind nearly blew him off his feet. “Old man? Excuse me, I’m 22”, the taller said.

Zitao eyed him. “22?”, he asked carefully. “Come on, do I look old?”, the taller asked shocked. Zitao grinned. “Nah”.

The taller pulled out an umbrella and opened it, he stepped closer so that both of them were covered.

“And a hot chocolate without any creepy intentions but the one to be in a place that’s warmer and less windy?”, he asked.

Zitao was one of the tallest in his class, but he had to look up slightly to see the taller into his face. He had very sharp features and he looked a bit distanced and cold, but surprisingly handsome. He smiled and Zitao quickly looked away.

“You’re cute”, the taller said.

“I thought without any creepy intentions?”, Zitao murmured.

“So you agree on a coffee?”, the taller said. He smiled and his face softened, the cold sharp feature suddenly looked very gentle. Zitao blushed. “I-I… okay”.

The taller guy guided him to a nearby coffee shop. The coffee shop was not very full, only an old man was sipping on a coffee and two girls were breeding over a lot of notes spread over their table.

“A coffee, uh… black and a…?”, the tall guy ordered and looked at Zitao.

“Hot chocolate”, he said. The young woman behind the counter nodded and threw a wide smile at the tall guy who flashed a smile back at her. Zitao raised his eyebrows and coughed a little.

They walked over to a small table near the window, as it was warm – almost sticky – inside the shop, Zitao took off his jacket.

“So are you going to tell me your name or is that already considered a creepy question?”, the tall guy asked and smiled. Zitao frowned.

“Tell me yours first”, he demanded. The other laughed quietly. “Are you going to decide by my name if I am worthy enough to know yours?”, he asked. Zitao’s cheeks reddened.

The female waitress brought the coffee and the hot chocolate, but this time he didn’t even look at her, his eyes were fixed on Zitao, which oddly enough satisfied Zitao a lot.

“Alright. My name is Yifan”, the tall man said and leaned forward.

“Zitao”, Zitao murmured and stared at the cup in front of him. “Zitao”, Yifan repeated.

“But I… prefer to be called Tao”, Zitao added and almost regretted it the next second.

Yifan grinned. “Well then…”

At first Zitao felt extremely awkward and he didn’t know what to say or do; it wasn’t like he never had a date before, but being invited by a stranger who was 5 years older than him was a different thing. But Yifan was sitting there, stirring relaxed in his coffee, eyeing him, asking questions and looking a bit too cool.

It was just small talk, but Yifan was very good at it and Zitao had forgotten how to properly talk.

“Since I’ve stopped you from attending school today and missing out an extremely class”, Yifan started.

“It’s not an extremely important class”, Zitao interrupted him. “I… hadn’t finished the essay anyways. I’m glad I didn’t go”.

He supported his chin on his hand and looked at Yifan, who smiled. “What?”, he asked. Yifan leaned forward. “An essay? About what?”, he asked and reached out his hand.

“About a book we were supposed to…”, Zitao started and his voice faded out when Yifan’s finger gently wiped the corner of his mouth. Yifan wiped the chocolate of his finger with a tissue and looked back up. “Yes?”

“…read”, Zitao ended the sentence.

His eyes followed Yifan’s hands folding and resting on the table. Zitao had never spent much attention to other people’s hands, but Yifan’s were really beautiful and… huge. They were probably larger than Zitao’s face.

“What book? Didn’t seem to be very interesting, though, if you didn’t get to finish your essay, although you were up all night probably”, Yifan said and grinned.

“I was born with those bags under my eyes”, Zitao said and gritted his teeth. Yifan blinked and then laughed.

“Oh, I wasn’t talking about that… I used to do my homework at night, just at the last moment”, he said. Zitao shifted and looked away. “Oh… uhm”, he murmured.

“And you? You said you’d call your boss and call in for sick? What’s your job then?”, Zitao quickly asked. Yifan smiled.

“I work at a magazine and unless it’s an important meeting with… important people, I don’t think anyone will be upset if I’m not there today”, he said.

“Meaning you’re not the important person there”, Zitao said. Yifan gasped. “Whoa, that was harsh”. Zitao opened his mouth, but the heat was already creeping treacherously over his face.

Yifan laughed and leaned over the table, his long fingers barely touched Zitao’s.

“Would you… meet me again?”, Yifan asked. Zitao looked at him surprised at the sudden question.

“Well… I don’t know”, he stuttered.

Yifan bit his lip and nodded. “It’s up to you, alright?”, he said and got up. “Wait”, Zitao called and got up as well. Yifan smiled. “Yes?”

Zitao hesitated. “If I…”, he started. “You’re a student, right? So Friday would be the best day… afternoon. Let’s say 4 pm, right here. Either you come, or you don’t”, Yifan said.

Zitao blinked and slowly shook his head. “Uh… I…”, he stammered. “If you want to meet me, you come. If you don’t want to see me again, you don’t come”, Yifan said simply.

He gently through Zitao’s hair and smiled, then he turned around and left the shop. He had just reached the end of the street when someone called him.

“Yifan!”

Zitao slithered toward him. “One last thing”, he said breathlessly. Yifan nodded.

“I don’t really want my parents to know… that I skipped school; especially not since I was sitting around with a stranger drinking some hot chocolate”, Zitao said and shifted awkwardly.

Yifan raised his eyebrows. “So?” Zitao pulled out his phone. “Could you… call the school?”, he asked hesitant. Yifan looked down at the phone and up to Zitao’s face.

“What?”, he asked.

“You sound like an adult. You should at last! You are 22!”, Zitao called blushing furiously. Yifan grinned and took Zitao’s phone.

“But I guess, you need to tell me a few things about you. Like your full name and your class”, he said. Zitao’s eyes narrowed. “Are you okay with that?”, Yifan asked.

“You sound like a complete creep”, Zitao hissed. Yifan laughed. “If you want me to call the school-“, he started.

“Huang Zitao. 2-B”, he interrupted Yifan. “I’m down with a fever”.

Yifan grinned and called the school, to Zitao’s relief he handled the situation very professional and sounded like a parent would. When Yifan had ended the call, he gave Zitao a side glance.

“They didn’t notice I’m not your real dad. Don’t you think they will find out?”, he asked. Zitao shoved his chin forward.

“No one there knows my dad, so no worries. He won’t ever set a foot into my school either…”, he said.

Yifan nodded. “Alright. Are you then going to call me ‘dad’ or – ouch!”, he called. Zitao had punched him hard into the chest. “ert!”

Yifan raised his hands. “I was just joking!”

Zitao’s hand rested on Yifan’s chest, the long coat he was wearing felt nice beneath his fingers. “That’s what I get as a thanks for helping you out? A punch?”, Yifan complained, but stopped as he saw Zitao smiling.

The wind ruffled through Zitao’s hair and Yifan couldn’t resist the urge to through the messy black hair. The younger looked up and Yifan suddenly wasn’t the relaxed and collected man anymore.

Zitao’s heart was racing against his chest. What had just happened?

For a moment when he had looked up into the taller man’s eyes, warmth filled him and there was a surprising faint red spreading over Yifan’s cheeks. Then Yifan let go off him and cleared his throat.

“Well… see you on Friday… or not”, he said carefully and pulled a small box out of his coat pocket. He lightened a cigarette while eyeing Zitao.

“Smoking is bad for your health”, Zitao said. Yifan smiled and a cloud of smoke filled the air, blurring his face for a few moments.

“I know. Bad habit”.

Hey everyone,

it took me a while again... so welcome to the new subscribers!

I can finally reveal the biggest secret of Tao's life... I was very anxious about this ><

The next chapter will continue with Tao's past!

I hope you enjoyed this chapter!

Thank you for reading, subscribing and your comments! ^_^

I'm not quite sure if you guys are currently okay with reading this story, as the real life situation with EXO is completely messed up again.

(Especially since this is all about Tao...) I hope you guys are all okay TT

Let's all just patiently wait and support him no matter what his decision will be and what he'll do!