“Are you going out like this? Put on a scarf, it’s cold!”

Zitao obediently went back to his room to grab his scarf. “Thanks, grandma. See you later”, he called and hugged his grandmother.

He left the small house and was welcomed by a strong howling wind and a cold drizzle. He pulled up his shoulders and walked quickly.

He had moved in to his grandparents’ house in Qingdao and had enrolled into a high school nearby. Yifan either had pulled strings as he had many connections or had paid some amount to that school so they would take Zitao although the year had already started.

Zitao didn’t care how Yifan had done it and actually he had pushed the man into the back of his head. He focused on school as he had planned, sometimes he called Luhan and Sehun, who seemed happy to hear that he had decided to graduate. Most of all they seemed glad that Zitao had gotten his chance to break up with Yifan properly – Zitao might have left out the details of the intense kissing however.

It wasn’t as if all the sadness and the anxiety had gone away since the day he had left Yifan in Beijing. Depression had the ugly habit of crawling back to him and keeping him awake at 3 am, but feeling stupid about it in the next morning. Sometimes Zitao sat in the bus and felt the urge to scream and cry without any triggering incident, it just happened. Yifan’s image floated around in his mind and he missed him so horribly and hated him so much at the same time, that he felt his body was going to explode.

But most of the time in the past months he had felt okay, almost good. He was busy with studying and had not much time to think. Zitao wasn’t sure if it was the thought of meeting the twins in Beijing today to go Christmas shopping or because it was about the same time when he had first met Yifan.

He took the subway to the central station and went through a mental list of people he was going to get Christmas presents for.

He wasn’t sure whether to send presents to everyone in Korea, but he had to send something to Sehun and Luhan, because he was positive that Sehun would come to China and make a scene if he didn’t.

It wasn’t because Sehun was insisting on presents, it was because of a tradition that had a deeper meaning to Sehun.

[FLASHBACK]

Zitao sat on his bed and stared at the white wall. The nurse had tried to persuade him to go outside, because it was a sunny day, but Zitao couldn’t have cared less.

It would have been more fitting if it was raining outside. The sunny weather felt like another thing that was ridiculing him.

It was worse enough that his parents had visited him today. A visit out of duty. Zitao could tell how embarrassed his mother had been to walk into a psychiatric hospital. His father had handled everything professional like always, he had acted as if his son was one of his clients and made sure that no one would have the impression that he was actually related to Zitao.

They had asked the same stupid question like everyone else: “Why?” and “Since when?” and “Why didn’t you tell us?” and “What have you been thinking? This is not a solution”

This. They wouldn’t even use the word suicide and the light red marks that covered Zitao’s wrist were eyed with a disgust they didn’t even try to hide.

But Zitao didn’t care what his parents were thinking, he knew that they wouldn’t support him or get his back. He didn’t even felt disappointed, they only thing he felt was betrayal.

Why did his body not let him die?

He had heard the doctor say that he had lost lots of blood, enough to need a blood transfusion.

The boy next door, Jongin, looked like an actor or a model and was popular amongst the nurses, Zitao saw him sometimes during lunch and dinner, but mostly the boy didn’t come. Jongin however never missed the visitor time in the common room, he sat there and was welcomed by another boy.

Sehun was his name, Zitao had seen him a few times at school. They hadn’t been in the same class, so they never had really talked, but simply knowing him, was a good reason to stay away from him. When Zitao had seen the two the first time, he had left the common room and had wanted to jump out the next window.

They had been kissing.

The same night, he cried himself to sleep with his fingers digging into his skin and had woken up with Yifan’s name on his lips and red scratches over his shoulders and arms. Because of that he had been put under a strict observation and Zitao was glad his parents didn’t come anymore, because his mother would have fainted if she had seen that they had tied his wrists to the bed over night. The nurse had assured him that it was a measure that had to be taken to prevent him to hurt himself more. Zitao didn’t want to hurt himself, he wanted to end it, but that nurse with her stupid sympathetic smile didn’t understand that.

That very sunny day, Zitao had just wondered if one could die by stopping to breathe, someone knocked on his door. It was Sehun.

“Hi, can I come in?”, he asked carefully. Zitao didn’t answer, he just eyed Sehun skeptically. What if he went to school the next day and told everyone about him?

On the other hand, Zitao was sure that they already knew.

Sehun raised his hands. “I know what you’re thinking, but before you suspect me of telling around that I’ve seen you here, you should consider that I am here as well”, Sehun said calmly.

Zitao pursed his lips. “Well, that’s a point”, he murmured. Sehun’s eyes fell on Zitao’s arms and he pointed to the chair next to Zitao’s bed. “Can I sit down?”

Zitao made an indefinite movement with the head and Sehun sat down.

“Who did you try to cut out of you?”, he asked and pulled up his legs to sit cross-legged. Zitao opened his mouth in surprise.

He hadn’t asked why… Zitao’s eyes searched for Sehun’s wrists, but they were unharmed. “I know, I know… Jongin always says it’s hard to understand if you’ve never done it yourself”, Sehun said.

“But I’ve been with him for so long, I think I understand it a little bit”, Sehun continued.

Zitao looked at the wall. “I didn’t cut deep enough”, he just said.

“Because you can’t cut deep enough”, Sehun said carefully. Zitao’s heard jerked around, Sehun was pressing his lips together.

“It’s hard to die by cutting your arms…”, Sehun said after a while. Zitao touched the marks on his left wrist.

“I didn’t…”, Zitao started but then interrupted himself.

“Doesn’t your boyfriend miss you?”, he asked instead and turned away. Sehun got up.

“The doctor is with him at the moment”, he said calmly. “You know, if you want to… you can come over anytime. His room is next to yours after all… okay?”, he said with a smile.

Zitao didn’t look at Sehun and so the other just left.

But soon Zitao went to the common room on the afternoons and sat by the window with a book, but instead of reading, he watched Sehun and Jongin. Even though Zitao never smiled back, Sehun always greeted him with a wide smile and waved at him. Jongin’s outer appearance had been changing over the days, now that Zitao saw him daily, he noticed that his cheeks had sunken in and he had dark circles under his eyes. His hands were shaking and he looked like someone who had lost a lot of weight in a short time, but Sehun still came visiting him every day and kissed his lips and hold the trembling hands.

One day, Zitao finally walked over just after Sehun had arrived.

It was Jongin’s birthday as a nurse had brought him a cake and Sehun placed a small wrapped gift in Jongin’s lap. When Jongin noticed Zitao, he smiled at him faintly. Sehun greeted Zitao quietly and a nurse involved him into a conversation.

“Hi”, Jongin said with a hoarse voice. “Hi”, Zitao murmured. “Happy birthday”.

Jongin’s lips twitched. “It’s not very happy, is it?”, he said and laughed. His cold and toneless laughter raised Zitao’s hackles.

“At least you have someone who visits you”, Zitao murmured. Jongin tilted his head. “Yeah, but would it really make you happy if someone visited you?”, Jongin asked.

Zitao flinched. “I…”

“Open your present, Jongin”, Sehun, who sat down next to Jongin, threw in.

Jongin started to unwrap the gift; it was a watch. “It’s not as nice as you’re old one, I guess”, Sehun said. Jongin took the watch in his hand.

“It must have been really expensive, Sehun!”, he said shocked. Sehun smiled. “I searched for a watch that looked as similar to the one you had before. You liked it so much”, Sehun said. Jongin’s shoulders tensed.

“Do you want to put it on?”, Sehun asked gently. Jongin nodded and Sehun carefully helped him as Jongin’s fingers were too shaky.

“Happy birthday, Jongin”, he said and pecked him on the cheek.

Jongin stared at the watch on his wrist, while the nurse asked him if he wanted a piece of the cake. Zitao thought of the expensive gifts Yifan had made him, among them had been a watch as well. And a silver bracelet, he still had that one. It was in his room lying on the bedside table.

He didn’t wear it, he just stared at it and remembered how Yifan had gave it to him on his birthday. It had been a matching pair, Yifan had the other part.

“Do you want a piece as well?”, the nurse asked. Sehun smiled and nodded.

“You as well?”, he asked Zitao. Zitao opened his mouth. “Uhm… no, I… no, thanks”, he murmured.

“Come on, try it at least! I made it myself… well with a little help otherwise it wouldn’t have looked like that”, Sehun said.

“You made it yourself? For Jongin?”, Zitao asked quietly as he took the plate the nurse handed him. Sehun smiled. “Yeah, sure”.

Zitao stared at the chocolate cake and had a lump in his throat. “You care for him so much”, he murmured. Sehun put the plate away.

“It’s not about baking a cake or buying a present, Tao”, he said and leaned forward.

“We often forget to tell people how important they are to us. And on a holiday we buy presents out of a duty not because we want to make the other one happy”, Sehun had told Zitao.

“I buy something that has a meaning to Jongin and the watch wasn’t expensive… I would have bought it even if it had been expensive. I want to make him happy again… and I’m glad that nowadays he is letting me”, Sehun said.

“Tao… you don’t want to die and neither does Jongin. No one here wants to die. The thing is, we want to be happy again. But you can’t be happy if you block out anything that could make you happy”, Sehun said.

“Chocolate is always the first step. Now eat that cake”, Sehun added and shoved a large piece into his own mouth. Zitao hesitated but then took the fork and forced himself to eat a bit of the cake. It was delicious and as he chewed on it and gulped it down, something inside him stirred.

And he thought, he might be able to understand what Sehun had said. Not yet… it was too early for that, he was too deep down in the darkness. The darkness had become familiar to him and he couldn’t yet leave it behind. He had jumped into that deep well by himself and it was a long and hard way up. But maybe one day, he would wake up and smile at a blue sky and his wrists didn’t hurt and his body didn’t feel like his blood was boiling inside his veins.

[FLASHBACK END]

Zitao reached the bus stop in time and quickly jumped on.

Thinking back of that day, he had reached a stage where he was able to see the edge of the well and the sun and the blue sky. But it had been such an exhausting journey to come here that he still had not yet the strength to pull himself over the edge back out.

And somehow he was scared of what would happen if he managed to pull out of the deep hole he had fallen in after Yifan had left him.

What would await him?

He had managed to break up with Yifan as mature and calm as he had wanted when he had come to China. This had been such a huge step, Zitao couldn’t even imagine that a few months ago.

During his stay at the hospital, he had been torn between never wanting to see Yifan again and having him coming back to him. Now half a year later, he had learnt to let go off his hate and anger for Yifan a little bit. And he had learnt to breathe again and sometimes even smile at the sun.

Yesterday, he had caught himself laughing out loud. He had been shocked at first and then oddly relieved. But he knew that the scary part wasn’t over yet, because even if it was one step ahead, anything could throw him back two steps.

Zitao wondered how he would react if he saw Yifan again, he hadn’t seen him since the day he had left Beijing. His grandparents didn’t have a TV so he didn’t see any advertisements or dramas in which Yifan starred. He avoided his classmates’ gossip talk about celebrities and focused entirely on his studies as planned.

He wasn’t sure if a meeting would throw him back or if it would bring him ahead. His mobile vibrated and a text message from Daeryong popped up.

“Soryong that idiot broke his leg, I gotta drive him to the doctor. Sorry! Is it okay if we meet an hour later?”

Zitao sighed. Maybe he could go shopping by himself and then meet up with Daeryong and finish the shopping. It would take a while until he would find everything anyways…

“No problem. Tell Soryong to Get well quickly”, Tao typed back as he got off the bus.

He was still looking onto his screen as he blindly left the bus stop, when he looked up, he somehow had ended up in a side alley. He groaned at his own carelessness and turned around to find the main street. But he couldn’t quite remembered from which direction he had come and so he ended up in a street, he definitely hadn’t crossed yet. He climbed up steep stairs and wandered through the neighborhood when he heard voices and smelled the scent of food.

There had to be some restaurants close by and just as he took a turn at the next corner he found himself in the back alley of a couple of restaurants. Close by some waiters were standing outside smoking, as Zitao approached them to ask for the way, he noticed that they weren’t waiters but were simply wearing suits. He felt a bit uncomfortable to ask them for the way, but they explained him the way back to the main street quite politely.

Zitao thanked them and quickly made his way into the direction they had pointed at. He past the many restaurants and hurried into the next street. The sudden ringing of his mobile made him jump and almost get a heart attack; it was his grandmother.

“Zitao, I almost forgot to ask you”, she said. Zitao rolled his eyes and looked at the list she had given him. “Grandma, you wrote everything down and we double checked, you didn’t forget anything”, he said calmly.

“Oh! Did we? I’m sorry, my boy”, she said and laughed embarrassed. “It’s okay, grandma. I’ll be back soon, alright?”, he said and hung up.

He stuffed his mobile back into his jacket and walked through the rather empty street. He could hear cars close by so he was walking into the right direction. Just as he was about to reach the next street, someone sped around the corner. Zitao barely saw the person as they bumped harshly into each other. The taller guy cursed and quickly threw a glance over his shoulder, then he turned back around.

“Sorry, are you hu-?”

Zitao, who had slipped on the ground and fallen down, stared up to the guy with the black sunglasses. Yifan took them down.

“Tao”, he said unbelievingly. Then he reached out his hands to help the other one up.

“Uhm… I was fleeing from some crazy… I mean… uh…”, Yifan said and smiled nervously. He was still holding Zitao’s hands.

“What… what are you doing in Beijing?”, Yifan asked. “Shopping”, Zitao answered simply.

“Christmas presents?”, Yifan asked. Zitao nodded.

When he looked at Yifan’s warm large hands holding his he noticed a silver glow under the coat. He was wearing the bracelet… It didn’t hurt to see it.

“Then… uhm… alone?”, Yifan asked and looked around as if someone was going to jump out.

Zitao shook his head. “I’m meeting someone… he’s a bit late however”, he said slowly. “And I got lost because of that”, he added.

Yifan hesitated. “Where are you heading to?”, he asked. Zitao tilted the head. “The shopping center obviously”, he said.

“Yeah sure, but which one?”, Yifan asked. Zitao looked down, he didn’t know what to feel. And when he tried to listen his inner voice, it stayed silent. Yifan’s hands wrapped around his didn’t feel bad though.

“Well, I have to study a lot, so I don’t have much time. The one that is the closest, I suppose. I’ll text Daeryong later, he’ll find it”, he said.

“Right… are you doing fine at school?”, Yifan asked. Zitao frowned.

“I missed the first week…”, he started. “I’m sorry”, Yifan said.

Zitao looked up. “What for?”, he asked. “It was somehow my mistake that you missed it. And that you had a horrible summer and yeah…”, Yifan said. He let go off Zitao’s hands.

“I call my driver, he can bring you to the shopping mall”, he said and pulled out his mobile. Zitao sighed.

“It’s okay, Yifan”, he said. “What?”, Yifan asked surprised.

“It is okay”, Zitao repeated and as he said it, he realized that it wasn’t a lie. It was okay.

“It was my own decision, you didn’t ask me to”, he said. Yifan opened his mouth, but no sound came out.

“I’m not angry at you”, Zitao continued and when he smiled, it worked perfectly fine. His muscles didn’t fail him and he calmly smiled at Yifan. Yifan stared at him and Zitao took a deep breath.

“This is the part, I’ve been scared of most…”, he said.

This was the last step, the step out of the dark well. His first steps had been during the time at the hospital, he had a lot of help and encouragement, even during the summer holidays. Sehun, Baekhyun and Luhan had been there for him. He had managed to bring back his will to be alive once again, even though he had shortly lost his footing on the way up and had fallen back down.

But this very last step of coming to China and facing Yifan had been something only he himself could do. He had to do it alone, without safety gear. And he had fallen back down again, but he had found his grip and he had managed to climb further up. And now he was here and looked into Yifan’s brown widened eyes full of astonishment.

“I’m okay now”, Zitao said and looked at Yifan. “Right now, I’m really okay”.

Yifan breathed in and bit his lip. “That’s great. I’m glad… to hear that”, he said. Zitao hesitated, but then he gently touched Yifan’s arm.

“I was scared to see you again, all the time… I thought it would destroy me another time”, Zitao said.

Yifan shook his head vehemently. “I never had the intention to destroy you…!”, he called out. Zitao nodded. “I know”.

Both looked at each other in silence, then finally Yifan cleared his throat.

“So uhm… it’s a bit early but… Have a Merry Christmas! And do your best at school”, he said. Zitao nodded. “I will…”

Yifan’s driver had probably been close, because he was there just shortly after Yifan had texted him. Zitao chewed on his bottom lip. “Thanks, Yifan…”, he said. Yifan nodded, he reached out his arms and hesitated. Instead of kissing, he hugged him gently.

Zitao got to the car and turned around one more time, Yifan was still standing there. So Zitao pulled off his beanie. “Have a Merry Christmas, Yifan”, he said.

And he got into the car and closed the door. He ruffled through his hair and put the beanie next to him. The driver didn’t ask any questions but brought him to the next shopping mall, while Zitao texted Daeryong the place he was heading to.

Zitao thanked the driver when he got out. A cold wind messed up his hair that he had fixed so neatly during the ride and so Zitao hurried towards the shopping mall. A few snowflakes danced through the cold air and when Zitao stepped into the warm building, he ruffled his wet hair.

“I was quicker than you”, Daeryong greeted him. Zitao looked up surprised.

“Just kidding, the hospital is next to the shopping mall and Soryong wasn’t that badly injured”, Daeryong said and shrugged.

“How are you?”, Daeryong asked. Zitao smiled. “Good”.

Daeryong gave him a side-glance. “Obviously. I almost didn’t recognize you… you changed somehow. I mean not just the color of your hair”, he said. Zitao nodded.

“Yeah, probably”, he said and looked at his blurred reflection in the shop windows.

His reflection looked back at him and it had been a while since Zitao had recognized himself in his reflection. He still didn’t get much sleep and his dark bags were as heavy and prominent as before, but his dark eyes glowed back at him.

“I found blonde really suited you”, Daeryong said as he noticed that Zitao was watching his reflection.

Zitao hummed. “Your school doesn’t allow rebellious hairstyles?”, Daeryong asked. Zitao smiled. “No, I wanted them to be black”, he said.

As black as the night, as black as the darkness I lived in, to remind myself that I managed to survive, Zitao thought.

“Raven-black”, he said out loud.

21^st December, today, was marked in Zitao’s calendar, but not because he would have marked that day. It was the date of Winter Solstice, the shortest day and the longest night of the year. But after that long darkness, winter would soon turn to spring and the days would become longer and warmer.

sorry guys it took me a while to update!!

but here we are and Zitao is finally doing better... 

I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Please let me know what you think ^^

always looking forward to read your lovely comments~

Thank you so much for reading and commenting and subscribing, this all means a lot for me!!

guys, there is just one last chapter left :O

this story came to an end so quickly, it's kind of weird it's going to be over soon... I'll write an epilogue however!!

I hope you guys enjoy this story till the end ♥