It was already past midnight when Zitao was so tired and exhausted. It was hot in the suit and he wanted to go to bed, he just wanted that damn day to end. And somehow the twins met two girls, who had passed the audition as well and were busy flirting with them, so they didn’t seem to mind when Zitao excused himself and left.

He took a deep breath when he finally stepped outside the hall. It was cool outside and the fall wind smelled like rain. Zitao had just made his way to the bus stop when he remembered that the buses weren’t driving anymore and he needed a taxi.

It was a long way back to his hotel, it was on the other side of the town and Zitao didn’t have enough money for such a ride. He was in the noble area of the town, on their way to the hall where the Gala was taking place they had passed many villas and big houses. He rubbed his temples and wondered if he should go back inside and ask the twins for help. He didn’t see any other possibility and so he turned around. He froze as he saw someone else leaving the hall quickly, it looked like he wanted to sneak away as well. He stuffed a cigarette between his lips and quickly lightened it. The tall man took a deep drag and his silhouette blurred in the cloud of smoke. He walked a few steps and as he suddenly started talking, Zitao flinched and made a step backwards. He was wearing a black coat over his suit and so he was probably blending with the dark shadows of the night. His hair was hidden under a dark grey beanie.

“… prefer to leave now… don’t want another argument. Yeah. Thanks”, Yifan said and ended the call. He let his mobile slip into the pocket of his coat and took another drag.

There he was standing and it was his chance. But Zitao didn’t take it, he just stood there and watched the taller male smoking. He had never liked it when Yifan smoked and eventually Yifan had stopped… for him, but there was something so familiar about this scene that Zitao couldn’t destroy it.

And the worst of all was that within his sadness and anger, he noticed that the heaviest feeling of all, had never vanished. He still loved Yifan more than anything else in the world and that’s why he didn’t step out of the shadows and watched him getting into the black van that stopped to pick him up.

But just as Yifan got into the car, something fell out of his pocket. He didn’t seem to notice it though as the car drove away and didn’t return. Zitao hurried over to the spot and picked up a white envelope. It was addressed to Wu Yifan.

Zitao hesitated but shoved the letter carefully into the insides of his coat.

“Tao! There you are”, someone called. He turned around and Daeryong walked towards him.

“We wanted to leave and you hadn’t returned… are you coming with us for tonight? Your hotel is pretty far away, isn’t it?”, he asked. Zitao nodded tired, but grateful.

The twins’ father picked them up and let Zitao sleep in the guestroom, they even offered him a breakfast in the next morning. As Zitao only had been wearing his suit, he had to put on the suit the next day as well. He turned down Soryong’s offer to borrow one of his shirts.

He had made a decision before he had fallen asleep that night and for that matter he needed to wear his suit anyways. He thanked the twins and their father for everything and took a taxi, but he didn’t ask the driver to bring him to a hotel but gave him the address on the very letter he had picked up.

It was a huge villa with a nice garden surrounding it and a wrought iron gate that was blocking the path up to the villa. Zitao hadn’t thought much about ringing the door bell and having to identify himself, before actually standing at the door. But now that he was standing here…

He took a deep breath and placed his thumb on the silver door bell that was almost hidden on the side. He breathed out but didn’t press.

The image of Yifan whom he had watched yesterday night, came floating into his mind. If he was so rich he maybe had a maid or something.

Please let it be a maid or housekeeper, please… Zitao begged silently as he took another deep breath and pressed the door bell.

He waited with his heart beating so loud and hard against his chest that it was a wonder it didn’t pop right out of his chest.

“Good morning, sir. Can I help you?”

Zitao flinched and turned around and almost stumbled over his own feet. Smooth…

An elderly woman was standing there with a dog on a leash and eyed him.

“I was…”, Zitao said and quickly cleared his throat. He sounded so hoarse, he had to cringe.

“I’m an acquaintance of Yifan and I… I need to bring him something very important”, Zitao said. The woman frowned.

“I’ve never seen you here”, she said and walked over. The dog immediately stormed towards Zitao and started sniffing Zitao’s legs, but the woman pulled the dog back.

“Ah, uh, yes. I just came here recently. We met in Korea…”, Zitao said hesitant. The woman didn’t look too unbelieving anymore, but she still didn’t seem to trust Zitao.

“We were at the gala yesterday and he was to receive a letter”, Zitao said and frowned. “A letter?”, the woman asked. Zitao pulled it out and showed it to her without letting go of it.

“Oh I see, I’m sorry, my dear. You’ll never know who’s trying to get into this villa, you know”, the woman said now with a wide smile.

“You should have said that you’re from the agency straight away”, she added and opened the gate. “But I can give that letter to him, you don’t need to…”.

Zitao quickly shook his head. “I need to talk to him as well… uh very important business”, he said. The woman looked surprised.

“Something urgent came up and I couldn’t reach him on his mobile”, Zitao lied, but it seemed to have convinced the woman. She snorted.

“That boy, always keeps his mobile on silent. Sure, sure. Get in”, she said. They walked up to the entrance and she let go off the dog, who ran barking through the entrance hall and vanished in another room.

A voice welcomed the dog, a child’s voice. Zitao felt dizzy.

“Please, follow me. I must excuse the messy living room, Junhao hasn’t been brought to the kindergarten yet. So… I’m so sorry, is it alright if I ask you to wait here?”, she asked.

She guided Zitao through the living room where a small boy with brown hair was sitting on the floor playing with stuffed animals. She mentioned Zitao to wait in the next room that looked like a dinner room.

“Junhao! No, no”, the elderly woman called strictly and sighed. “Where’s Ziyi?”, she asked. “Where’s mommy?” The little boy squealed.

“Mummy went out”, he called. Zitao leaned against the table and covered his face. It had been the worst decision to come here. He had a child. A child. He was a father. Zitao just wanted to search for the next knife and ram it into his chest.

“She didn’t bring you to the kindergarten?”, the elderly woman asked. “No, noo”, the boy called. “What is that?”, the woman asked. “Is that… whose mobile is that?”, she called shocked.

“Yifan’s”, the boy said. “You know, you are not allowed to take it! Your father needs it when he gets an important call! He just missed one”, the old woman said distraught. Zitao was so distraught, he didn't even realize that the child had called him 'Yifan' and not 'dad' or 'daddy'.

“But he was sleeping and said I can go and play in the living room”, the boy said.

The woman sighed. “I go and wake him up. Give me the mobile, come on. You need to get dressed for kindergarten anyways”, she said. “I don’t want to go”, the boy called and screamed as the elderly woman obviously dragged him out of the living room.

Then it was quiet and Zitao was standing in the dinner room staring at his feet, fighting against the wave of feelings that was crushing over him and made his knees go weak.

What was he supposed to say to Yifan? He had planned to come here and act professional, act cool, as if he was over him. Yifan was the one who should feel sorry, not he himself.

There was another sound and the dog barked.

“Mummy!”, the boy screamed. “Hello, my sweetheart”, a female voice greeted him.

“Mum? Why is Junhao not in the kindergarten? Yifan was supposed to take care of that!”, the woman called.

“I wasn’t supposed to take care of that, Ziyi”, a deep voice said and Zitao shivered.

No one but the old woman who was obviously Yifan’s mother-in-law knew that Zitao was standing in the dinner room and could listen to their conversation.

“Yifan, you knew I had an appointment at the hair salon”, Ziyi said pointed. “Come here, Junhao. Is his bag already packed?”, she called towards her mother.

“Yes, yes. All in here. Here you go, darling. Yifan, hurry up. Your visitor is waiting in the dinner room”, the elderly woman added.

“Yifan, I don’t have time for this now”, Ziyi hissed.

“Who is it?”, Yifan asked and ignored Ziyi as the family came into the living room.

“Someone from the agency, he has a letter for you”, the old woman said. “Oh, thank god! I was looking for it already!”, Yifan called.

“Yeah, were you too drunk yesterday to take care of it yourself?”, his wife said coolly. “Ziyi!”, Yifan hissed. “I didn’t drink any alcohol”, he said quietly.

“Now excuse me”, he added and closed a door.

The voice of the family died out and the only sound was Zitao’s quick breath and the approaching steps. Zitao turned around so that he was with his back to the door. He needed to order his thoughts, he needed to focus… what? What did he want to say… what…

“I’m terribly sorry to have kept you waiting…”, Yifan started. “Uhm… excuse me?”

Zitao pressed his lips together and took a deep breath. “I brought your letter”, he said without turning around.

“Y-Yes, I thank you a lot. I must have left it yesterday… I…”, Yifan said. He sounded unsure and finally Zitao turned around.

Yifan’s face changed so drastically that Zitao almost felt great for being able to break the calm mask of his. Yifan’s face went pale, his eyes widened, his mouth was still open as he stared at Zitao.

“I… I… what the-?”, stuttered. He quickly threw a glance over his shoulder and closed the door of the dinner room. “Tao?”, he asked quietly.

Zitao couldn’t say a word, it already took all his effort not to break into tears or run towards Yifan. Zitao put the letter down onto the table.

“YIFAN! HURRY UP, WILL YOU?”, Ziyi shouted.

Yifan’s eyebrows furrowed and Zitao put on a terrible forced smile.

“Well congratulations on your marriage and your son”, he said. He wanted it to sound cold, but it didn’t sound anything like that. It sounded weak and his voice almost cracked.

He wanted to be angry, he wanted to show him that he was over him, even if that was a lie. Yifan didn’t say anything, he just shook his head.

Someone knocked at the door and opened it.

“We better leave now. Don't worry, you have a guest... it's okay, I'll take them to the kindergarten. Say goodbye to Junhao”, Yifan’s mother-in-law said.

Yifan kneeled down to pat his son’s head. “Have a nice day”, he said with a wide smile. The boy glaredup to Yifan and tried to escape Yifan's hand.

“Junhao”, the woman said strictly. “Say goodbye to your dad!”

The boy squirmed and shook off Yifan’s hand. “He’s not my dad”, he growled finally and escaped his grandmother’s hands and stormed through the living room to his mother.

The old woman sighed. “What a disaster. I’m sorry, Yifan”, she murmured and hurried after the young boy.

“I better go now”, Zitao managed to say. “I don’t want to… you know interfere with your family”.

Yifan turned around and looked at him. Zitao clenched his fists, he didn’t want to feel sorry for him, but the look in Yifan’s eyes hurt him.

“You don’t”, Yifan said simply. “Well, but I-“, Zitao started.

“Does it look like a ‘family’ to you?”, Yifan said and sat down. The sound of the front door closing echoed through the large house, a few moments later a car was started and drove away.

“Well, I’ve made some experience with people who aren’t those who they pretend to be”, Zitao said. Yifan looked up, Zitao managed to hold the stare.

Yifan got up and grabbed Zitao’s shoulders. “Tao, I’m sorry! I didn’t want to leave you like this. I’m sorry for everything, I didn’t want to pull you into all of this!”, he called.

“But you did”, Zitao said and brushed of his hands. Zitao straightened his shoulders and remembered not to look ever down as he walked towards the door.

“Please, Tao…”, Yifan begged. “My little raven”, he added quietly. Zitao stopped in his tracks and pulled his grey beanie down.

“I’m not your little raven anymore”, he said and glanced at Yifan, who stared at the bleached hair.

“Tao… Let me explain”, Yifan asked and followed Zitao. “Explain?”, Zitao called. Finally it came… the anger.

“What the hell do you want to explain what you couldn’t explain in June?”, Zitao called. “If you ever wanted to explain something to me, you should have done it straight away!”

Yifan shook his head. “I couldn’t!”, he called and raised his hands. He looked so desperate, but Zitao tried hard to ignore it.

“WHY?!”, he screamed.

“I was… it was really a difficult situation, Tao”, Yifan called. “Please, listen to me”.

Zitao glared at him. “You ask me to listen to you? Who do you think you are? Are you going to tell me another fairy tale? I already know that everything about us was a lie, you jerk!”, he screamed and hit Yifan’s chest so hard that his hand hurt.

Yifan held his chest and looked at him. There it was again, this very gaze that Zitao had noticed for the first time on New Year.

“Nothing”, Yifan said quietly. “What?”, Zitao asked fighting against the tears.

“Nothing was ever a lie”, Yifan whispered and shook his head.

“Of course it was. You started dating me, although you’re married and have a child? You don’t tell me that you’re a Chinese celebrity and treat me like a damn affair. Oh god, even less than that! Who the hell are you anyways?”, Zitao called as tears streamed down his face.

“Yes and that was why I had to leave you, Tao!”, Yifan called and threw his hands over his head. “What? That doesn’t make sense at all!”, Zitao cried.

“I… Alright, you’re right! At first it was meant to be an affair, I didn’t plan to start something serious with you! But I… then… it all got out of hand”, Yifan said and covered his eyes.

“It got out of hand?”, Zitao asked and laughed miserably. “I got out of hand? Well sorry that I didn’t act like you planned it. SO sorry to destroy your love adventures”, Zitao said coldly.

“NO!”, Yifan called and put down his hands. He stared at Zitao and even though Zitao had sworn not to trust him anymore and to hate him, he couldn’t deny his feelings and he couldn’t overlook that there was sincerity in Yifan’s eyes as he continued to speak.

“It was my mistake. I liked you and thought I would end it after a couple of dates, but instead we started a relationship… and man, I wanted to tell you, because you were so… I didn’t want to hurt you. You entrusted me with so much of yourself and I kept everything a secret, soon I couldn’t find a way out of my lies anymore. I started to create more and more lies. I was supposed to stay in Korea until December, but I told my agency that something important came up. I told myself that it was just a phase, I thought it would stop”, Yifan said painfully.

“What would stop?”, Zitao asked and stared at him. On his cheeks were glittering tears and he didn’t wipe them away when he saw that Yifan was on the edge of crying himself.

“I wanted to tell you on New Year’s Eve, but instead… I realized that I was too selfish for that”, Yifan said and took a shaky breath.

“Yeah, you were ing selfish”, Zitao said. “But I still don’t get it. What has that to do with leaving me without a note, without an explanation”, he called.

Yifan stepped closer to Zitao and took his wrists, Zitao flinched and pulled back. Yifan’s eyes glided down and stared at the skin that was exposed.

Zitao quickly pulled the shirt back over his wrists and looked away. “You don’t… you were never supposed to see this”.

Yifan opened his mouth. “Tao, is that…?”, he asked quietly.

“No, I didn’t ing sit around after you left and cut around on my arm to feel some pain. I was serious about this and you weren’t! You used me, you ing lied to me. You destroyed my trust in people, you took my heart and stepped on it! You left me like nothing ever happened and then I see this… article in that damn magazine. And I see that you’re married and you have your damn happy life somewhere else! And who am I? Who am I?”, Zitao screamed and his voice broke.

“But those scars”, Yifan said distraught and touched Zitao’s wrist. Zitao looked at him.

“You don’t ing deserve to know what I did after you left. You weren’t worth it anyway, that’s what everyone told me”, Zitao hissed.

“I love you”, Yifan blurred out. Zitao made a step back.

“That’s why I left”, Yifan said. “You see that my life is already a mess, I tried to save a crumbling marriage for a boy who doesn’t even accept me as anything close to a father”, Yifan said.

“Junhao is not my biological son. He’s Ziyi’s son from her first marriage and… I felt so bad for messing his life up more than I already did. Before I came to Korea, I wasn’t the greatest father, and I know he hates me, but then I went to Korea and met you. And I… I fell in love with you. I kept thinking of simply staying in Korea, staying with you. But I couldn’t abandon this... Tao, it just happened. I left because you are right and you deserve someone better than me. I fully deserve that my wife hates me and her son refuses to call me his father”, Yifan said.

“Go on, just let it all out. Scream at me and tell me that you hate me. Then it will be over at last”, Yifan murmured and sat down. Zitao was trembling and stared at the broken man in front of him.

“Say that you hate me, that’s what you came here for, didn’t you?”, Yifan asked quietly.

Zitao opened his mouth. “I… I…”, he whispered. “On 21^st June, after not being able to reach you for days, and seeing the abandoned apartment and the magazine article about you, I cried until I couldn’t breathe anymore. I screamed until my lungs hurt and my parents didn’t even ask. They came in when I had already passed out. If they didn’t come into my room, maybe I would have died. I’m already a disgrace for trying to kill myself, it doesn’t matter anymore to keep my pride in not telling you”, Zitao said.

Yifan looked up when he heard how Zitao shoved something over the table. It was the half burnt picture of the two of them.

“Are you going to blackmail me with that?”, Yifan asked. Zitao just looked at him. “I tried to burn it, but it felt like I had set myself on fire. Do you know how that feels?”, he asked instead.

Yifan looked at him, then he raised his hand, but stopped in front of Zitao’s face.

“I have no right to touch you anymore… I never had it to begin with, did I?”, Yifan murmured, then he turned away.

“Fly, little raven. Fly away. Be free”, he murmured.

Zitao stood up, his knees were shaking and Yifan didn’t say anything when Zitao walked outside. Zitao was holding the burnt picture still in his hands, when he reached the next bus stop. He didn’t know that stop, he had walked long and without looking where he headed to.

He put it into his jacket and covered his mouth, but the words slipped through his lips and made them real. Even if Yifan couldn’t hear them.

“Why do I still love you so much?”

Hi guys!

First of all, thank you for reading the whole chapter and not leaving at once after hearing that Yifan "probably has a son",

because he indeed doesn't really have a son (like Yifan is not as terrible as he could have been... he ed up badly enough though and I do feel a bit guilty that Zitao still loves him so much .__.)

Thank you so so much for subscribing and for all the lovely comments!

I appreciate them a lot and I'm always curious to know what you think about the story ^^

There are not that many chapters left... so I hope you'll stay to find out how the drama will be solved