Solstice

Now on this longest day, light triumphs,
and yet begins the decline into the dark.
The Sun King grown embraces the Queen of Summer in the love that is death because it is so complete that all dissolves into the single song of ecstasy that moves the worlds.
So the Lord of Light dies to Himself, and sets sail across the dark seas of time, searching for the isle of light that is rebirth.
We turn the Wheel and share his fate, for we have planted the seeds of our own changes and to grow we must accept even the passing of the sun.

(The Spiral Dance, HarperCollins)

~

The clicking of Luhan's pen mixed with the ticking of the clock on the wall. 15 minutes until lunch.

A row behind him, Zitao was scribbling like crazy into his notebook, making Luhan wonder if one could really follow the last class before summer holidays until the last minute. It wasn't until the piece of paper landed on his desk, when he realized that Zitao had wrote the note for him.

"You invited Jia? She’s getting pathetic… also you sure about Sehun?"

Luhan crumbled the paper in his hand and turned around, the tall boy with the dark circles under his eyes looked back at him. The bags under his eyes looked thicker, heavier and darker than usual. Luhan couldn't understand why Zitao had insisted on going back to school for the last week.

Was it because he was trying so hard not to look weak? But in that case, no one would take him serious anyway, not anymore...

And Luhan knew that Zitao's real reason for being insecure about Sehun’s presence this summer, was not because he was younger than them and sometimes lacked manner. Which was all Luhan at least knew about Sehun, if Jongdae hadn’t suggested inviting him, Luhan wouldn’t even have noticed that young boy. He hadn’t known that he was friends with Zitao, Jongdae and Minseok.

No, Luhan would have bet his legs that Zitao didn't really want him around, because Sehun was one of the few who actually knew what really had happened one month ago.

At a time where everything had been fine, where their worst worries had been about still being stuck in a sticky classroom when they could lay down at a beach somewhere and enjoy the great weather, drinking some far too hard alcohol, spending his nights with nice girls; having fun, simply put. Zitao had wanted all of that as well, or at least most of it, Luhan had believed that.

But he had been so wrong, so incredibly wrong that he wondered - looking into Zitao's dark brown eyes – if he really even knew him or how much of the person he used to know was still left inside him.

Luhan frowned and turned back to the front as he noticed that his teacher approached him. He tore a piece of paper out of his notebook and shoved the small paper plane with the number and name of Jia who was sitting in back row to the side.

"There'll be lots of other people around as well...", he wrote and threw the paper towards Zitao.

He was surprised that he even wanted to come... He didn't want to admit that he had halfway wished, Zitao had told him he had changed his mind.

Zitao didn’t reply and when Luhan turned around to check, Zitao was looking down and scribbling into his notebook. However he didn’t tear out the pages to throw them towards Luhan, instead when the bell finally rang, he closed the notebook and left first.

Luhan found Zitao sitting outside, at their usual spot under the large oak tree that spent some shadow in the heat. But despite the heat, Zitao still hadn’t taken off his leather jacket. Luhan wanted to walk over to Zitao when someone grabbed his arm.

It was Jia. “Hey”, she said and smiled. Luhan shortly looked at her; she had gotten really pretty over the year. Luhan only remembered her as the shy girl during the last years as she had been Zitao’s seatmate before.

“Hi, uh… I have to go”, Luhan quickly said and turned away.

“You’re still hanging out with that guy?”, Chanyeol asked and lifted his snapback to ruffle his hair. Luhan frowned. He didn’t like how Zitao suddenly had become only ‘that guy’.

“He’s our friend. Of course, I’m still hanging out with him”, he said coolly and walked away.

"I don't get why he's hanging out with a guy like him"

- "Man, I could not deal with all that that went down there"

- “They’re so different, how do they get along? I’ve always been wondering about that…"

- "It's summer, man, why is he wearing a leather jacket?"

- "Is he trying to look cool?"

- "Nah, I heard he's trying to hide the scars"

- "So he really tried to kill himself by cutting his wrists?"

- "Rubbish, Junho told me, he took sleeping pills and drank vodka with it"

- "Really? That's nasty, man..."

- "Taemil said he jumped off a bridge, but he only got several bruises and broke his leg, that's what he's hiding under his jacket"

- "Oh my god, don't be stupid. How can you hide a broken leg under a jacket? You don't survive with just a broken leg and have you seen a bandage? His leg wasn't broken"

Their conversations and gossip followed Luhan as he hurried towards Zitao, he tried not to listen but it wasn’t that easy. They didn’t even bother to keep their voices down.

He sat down next to Zitao, who was leaning against the bark with closed eyes. “Hey”, Luhan said. Zitao opened his eyes and shortly looked at him.

“Hey”, he murmured. His voice was a bit hoarse. Did he cry?

“Tao… listen”, Luhan said carefully and grabbed Zitao’s hand. “You don’t have to come. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone”.

Zitao looked at him for a while then he pulled back his hand. “If you don’t want me to be there, you can say it directly”, he finally said then.

Luhan shook his head. “Don’t be ridiculous. Of course, I want you to be there, but just because you are my friend… I don’t want you to suffer unnecessarily. Please, stop torturing yourself so much”, Luhan said and looked at him painfully.

“Please”.

Zitao looked away. “You don’t understand”, he said and got up.

Luhan got up as well. “No, I don’t and I think it’s the first time I don’t understand you… I asked you to explain it to me, but you barely talk to me anymore. What do you expect me to do?”, Luhan called.

Zitao bit his lip. “I don’t want to talk about it and I don’t expect anything from you. Join your happy carefree friends, I’m only killing the good atmosphere”, he said.

“Tao… you don’t have to stand through this alone”, Luhan started, but Zitao only snorted. He grabbed his bag and swung it over his shoulder.

“But I’m already alone”, he said and walked away.

Luhan took a deep breath, but before he could call out for Zitao, he heard quick steps approaching him and he turned around. Sehun stopped next to him and almost stumbled into him, he was breathing hard.

“Uh… s-sorry. Where is he going to?”, he said breathlessly.

Luhan shrugged. “No idea”.

“Hey listen, because of the holidays…”, Sehun said and pressed his hand into his sides.

Luhan eyed him closely. “Yeah?”

A soft blush spread over Sehun’s cheeks and he smiled sheepishly.

“Would you mind if I brought someone along? Just one person?”, he asked.

Luhan frowned. “Depends”.

Sehun hesitated. “Uh… it’s… my boyfriend. He doesn’t go to our school, but he’ll behave. Don’t worry”, he said and laughed, while his eyes were fixed on Zitao disappearing in the distance.

Luhan blinked surprised. “Your… your boy-. Uh, I mean… yeah, uhm… okay?”, he stuttered.

Sehun’s smile widened. “Thanks a lot that was really important for me! And thanks again for inviting me”, he said and quickly pulled Luhan into a short hug.

It was no wonder that Luhan barely knew about Sehun, he had been there at the beginning of this school year’s term and then suddenly disappeared for almost the whole year. Now just a month ago he had returned.

Sehun had been the same height as him at the beginning of this school year’s term, now he had grown almost a head taller.

Sehun waved and hurried away, while Luhan pulled out his mobile.

“Did you know that Sehun was gay??”, he quickly typed and sent the message to Zitao.

To his surprise Zitao responded within a few seconds.

“Yeah, why?”

Luhan shook his head. “He just asked me if he could bring along his boyfriend and it surprised me. I didn’t know what to say… so I said it would be okay… what do you think?”, he typed.

But he received no answer and when lunch was over, Zitao didn’t return to the classroom.

 Luhan however forgot quickly about that fact, as Sehun sat down next to him and grinned at him. There was something really distracting about Sehun, Luhan was used to being stared at, but Sehun eyed him differently. It made Luhan somehow nervous…

Does he like me?, he wondered and shifted uncomfortably in his seat. No way, he has a boyfriend whom he really likes obviously… Why am I thinking about that anyway?

Sehun seemed to notice that Luhan was nervous and a slight smile appeared on his lips. He was more relieved than ever when the bell finally rang and everyone happily cheered.

Summer holidays!

Luhan grabbed his bag and had just reached his locker, when he noticed that Sehun had followed him.

“What are you trying to do?”, Luhan asked and turned around. Sehun tilted his head.

“Talking to you”.

Luhan shoved his chin forward. Sehun had always looked childish, like a baby and Luhan had been wondering why exactly Jongdae and Minseok had befriended this young guy, but now that he was looking closer at the boy, he was surprised to see that not only his height had changed. His facial features had become sharper and more defined, his hair was shorter and styled.

“I’m not into boys”, Luhan blurted out.

Sehun raised one eyebrow. “I did not claim anything different”, he said carefully.

Luhan felt how he blushed. Now that was awkward.

He opened his locker and shoved around his few books inside.

“Stop staring at me then”, he said tensed. Sehun smiled. “Why? You’re nice to look at”, he said and shrugged.

Luhan closed the locker door. “You have a boyfriend”, he said and frowned. “So what? Does that mean I have to run around blindfolded?”, Sehun asked.

“Well, I can’t imagine him being happy if he sees how you keep staring at me”, Luhan said and crossed his arms.

Sehun burst out into laughter. “Don’t worry, I won’t be staring at you next week”, he said. “There won’t be any need to and not that he… never mind”, he added.

Luhan opened his mouth. He felt almost insulted, but in the next moment Sehun reached out his hand and over his cheek.

“Don’t-“, Luhan said and his heart jumped into his mouth.

“Eyelash”, he said quietly.

What the hell was he thinking? Luhan shoved Sehun away from him. “Stop doing that”, he said harshly. Sehun smirked and raised his hands.

“Not doing anything”, he said and then walked away.

“Dude, what are you doing? Let’s get out of this building! Hurry up”, a deep voice called. And Luhan was dragged through the hallway by Chanyeol.

At the school gates, a small group was already waiting for them. Minseok, Jongdae, Yixing and Baekhyun.

“Where’s Junmyeon?”, Chanyeol asked and looked around.

“He already left, he was in a real hurry”, Yixing answered and shouldered his bag. “Can we do so as well, please?”

As they walked away from school, they enjoyed the warm sun and the first minutes of their freedom.

Baekhyun was texting with someone and Luhan remembered that Zitao hadn’t shown up to school and hadn’t replied to his text messages. He made a mental note to call him later. Minseok and Jongdae were chatting about something that had happened in their class, the two of them were in a different class than the rest of the clique. Jongdae laughed and put his arm around Minseok’s shoulder, who let his arm slid around Jongdae’s waist. Luhan was taken aback as Minseok rarely showed so much physical affection for anyone.

Could it be that he and Jongdae…?

He shook his head and tried to push that thought out of his mind. His mind must be playing tricks on him after Sehun had just messed around with his thoughts.

“Did you guys know that Sehun is gay?”, he blurted out.

Everyone turned their heads at the sudden question.

“It was freaking obvious”, Baekhyun said calmly.

“No”, Jongdae, Minseok and Chanyeol said in unison.

“Oh really?”, Yixing asked surprised with a mild smile.

“Why are you asking?”, Minseok asked and tilted his head.

“Uh, he wants to bring his boyfriend along next week”, Luhan murmured. “I was just wondering… if it would be weird…”.

Baekhyun shrugged. “I don’t really care”.

“Why should it be weird? It’s nice that he has someone!”, Yixing said and clapped his hands, but he would have said the same if Luhan had said Sehun was pretending to date an anime character.

“Who is his boyfriend?”, Jongdae asked curiously. Minseok didn’t seem very interested and watched a group of girls at the other side of the street giggling and throwing back glances at Minseok.

Luhan shook his head. “He’s not going to our school”.

Chanyeol kept quiet as well, but he had a frown on his forehead.

“What’s wrong, Chanyeol?”, Baekhyun asked and nudged his best friend in the side.

He hummed and scratched his chin. “I don’t know… you know, as long as he doesn’t… try something on any of us”, he said slowly.

“Why should he? He has a boyfriend”, Yixing said surprised.

“That didn’t stop him from trying to get into Luhan’s pants”, Chanyeol said darkly. Luhan felt heat rushing through his body. Chanyeol had seen how Sehun had flirted with him…

“He tried?”, Jongdae called and Baekhyun looked up from his mobile. “Really?”

Luhan cleared his throat. “Well… he kinda flirted with me”, he said and raised his shoulders.

In his mind a picture of a smirking Sehun popped up and Luhan shook his head annoyed.

“Let’s talk about something different, god damnit”, he said. “You started it”, Minseok murmured.

***

In the distance the noise of the traffic rushed and mixed with the wind.

The black haired boy was still wearing his leather jacket, despite sitting in the sun. He was watching the small waves on the river or maybe he was so deep in his thoughts he didn’t even see them really.

“Why don’t you take it off? You’ll get a heat ”, Sehun called.

Zitao flinched and quickly got up. But he stayed with his back turned towards Sehun.

“You… go away”, Zitao said. His voice was shaking and Sehun sighed.

“You don’t need to hide your tears or scars in front of me”, he said and sat down next to where Zitao was standing.

“Sit down”, Sehun then said and gently pulled on his leg.

Zitao slowly sat down and looked away. Sehun hesitated but then pulled the thick leather jacket down from Zitao’s shoulders.

“No one is around…”, Sehun murmured as he felt how Zitao resisted.

“It’s getting worse”, Zitao murmured. “They said it would get better, but it doesn’t”.

Sehun bit his lip. “Yeah… I know”.

Zitao finally turned his head and looked at Sehun. “Why the hell are you bringing Jongin along?”, he asked.

Sehun looked at the river and wrapped his arms around his knees.

“I don’t know”.

Zitao grabbed his leather jacket and put it back on. “Are you going to be okay?”, he asked as he got up.

Sehun frowned. “Me? Shouldn’t I ask you that question?” – “You know, there’ll be lots of girls and Luhan is going to try to get as many as possible”, Zitao said.

Sehun sighed. “I know, maybe that’s why… ”.

“You won’t be able to flip him that easily”, Zitao added.

Sehun laughed quietly, but he looked down. “Yeah, I know. Life was never that fair…”, he said and finally got up as well.

Zitao opened his mouth, but he didn’t ask, he already knew Sehun’s answer.

“I won’t call it Jongin’s second chance”, Sehun said. Zitao snorted.

“Of course not, he had fifty already”, he said. They both walked in silence for a while, then Sehun bit his lip and shortly looked at Zitao.

“Maybe I’ll bring him along because of being egoistic and it’s solely for my own sake”, Sehun murmured and shook his head.

“It’s not because I … forget it”

Zitao didn’t answer, he didn’t really know the reason Sehun had to still give Jongin second chances over and over again. But he saw that Sehun tried everything not to fall for Luhan more than he had already. We all try to save something, be it a relationship or ourselves from getting hurt.

And this summer seemed like the last of all chances.