Maybe it would have been better, if we hadn’t been anything from the start – Bittersweet – Super Junior

            Dear Gege,

            I have the best news that I have gotten since Dr. Lee brought Kim Suho to meet me. Him and the other doctors decided that in a few more weeks I would be able to move back home. They also have permitted me to leave the hospital for one day to hangout with Suho. I wouldn’t call it a date but just two friends hanging out with each other. I am excited to be leaving the hospital for the day with him; we’re going to go to Lotte World.

            After getting the letters from my friends I decided that I had to send them something back to tell them what was going on with me and that I was going to be okay. I woke up early on the day I was going to the amusement park with Suho to write the letter and give to Leeteuk so he could mail them out to my friends.

            Dear friends,

            I thank you all so much for the letters you have sent me. I am so happy for all of you and the blooming relationships I see that is happening from your letters. I am sorry I wasn’t able to attend the graduation party. As you all know I am in the hospital but the good news is I am getting way better. Dr. Lee put the pieces together and found Joonmyeon’s twin Kim Suho. We have become friends and today I was allowed to leave with him after taking my medication. I’ll have to take it again before dinner but other then that I feel like I’ll be a regular guy again for the day. We’re going to do to the amusement park. I’ll be leaving the hospital soon and when I get out I want us all to meet so I can see all your faces again. Talk to you soon.

            Love from your friend that’s feeling a million times better, Yixing

            “Knock knock,” a voice said opening my hospital bedroom door. I finished writing the letter as my parents came inside my room.

            “Mama,” I said running to them. “Dad!” They enveloped me in a hug, hugging me tightly as we stood in the doorway hugging each other. “I missed you guys a lot.”

            “Yixing,” Mom said crying. “You look so much better and happier.” I nodded my head as my dad ruffled my hair smiling at me.

            “We’re proud of you son,” Dad said. “And excited you’re going to be going home soon. But in the meantime we brought you clothes for your amusement park date with Suho.” Dr. Lee and Leeteuk had told my parents about everything that had happened in the hospital so they knew very much about Junhong and my journal and Suho.

            “Dad it’s not a date,” I said taking the bag from him with my clothes in it. I had given a list of the things I needed to Leeteuk who relayed that information to my parents for them to bring to me. Suho was going to pick me up at the hospital in about an hour. “It’s just a outing between friends.”

            “Right,” Mom said smiling. “I want you to have a lot of fun. Here.” She handed me a handful of money. “Eat a lot and buy a lot and have fun Yixing.” She kissed me on the cheek.

            “See you soon Yixing,” Dad said. They said their goodbyes to me to let me change into my clothes. Ever since I had been in the hospital I hadn’t worn anything but the hospital gown. What did jeans even feel like?

            I changed out of my hospital gown folding it, and placing it on my bed. I opened the bag putting on the black skinny jeans I had asked my parents to bring and put on my favorite purple shirt. I looked in the mirror slipping on my regular Converse and combing the tangles out of my hair.

            Leeteuk came by a little later to give me pills to take to the park for dinner and the pills I had to take right now. I took the pills and put the other pills in my purple MCM backpack.

            “Have everything you need?” Leeteuk asked after my backpack was all packed with everything.

            “Yep I think so,” I answered. “I am nervous. I haven’t been out of the hospital in a long time. It’s going to feel strange.”

            “It’s going to be fun,” Leeteuk said smiling at me. “You and Suho going to Lotte World. Nothing could get much better then that. Especially since Joonmyeon is no longer in your life. You’ve improved by leaps and bounds since you got here Yixing. All of us can see that.”

            “You think so?” I asked. It was true I hadn’t thought about Joonmyeon after meeting Suho and I did feel happier about everything, but of course I couldn’t be sure what other people saw of me. Did I still look like a hospital patient? I hoped not.

            “I’ll see you later,” Leeteuk said. “Have fun on your trip to the amusement park. You look really great in your normal clothes.” He gave me a thumbs up before he left my room. I only had a few more minutes before Suho was going to be here.

            Finally it was time for me to go. I left my hospital room saying goodbye to Junhong before heading down to the lobby to meet Suho. I had already promised Junhong I would buy him a bag of cotton candy at Lotte World for him. I spotted Suho waiting for me outside under the entryway. I smiled at the sight of him feeling my heart skip a little taking a deep breath.

            “Hello!” I smiled walking up to Suho. “Ready to go?” Suho nodded his head as the two of us made our way away from the hospital to take the subway to head to Lotte World.

            “Are you excited?” Suho asked once we were seated on the train heading to the amusement park. “I’m pretty excited.”

            “I’m excited too,” I answered. “It feels so free to be out of the hospital in my real clothes and not some stupid hospital gown.” Suho smiled looking at the clothes I was wearing.

            “You look really different,” Suho said smiling. “All in a good way.” I covered my cheeks with my hands knowing that I was blushing deeply from his compliment. I shook my head because this wasn’t right. As much as Suho was here I felt all the compliments were coming from Joonmyeon.

            “Thank you,” I said smiling back at him. “You look really good as well.” Suho smiled at me as we fell into a silence riding the rest of the subway in silence to the amusement park.

            Once we got to Lotte World we ran into the park. Apparently Suho’s dad was one of the CEO’s for Lottle World so we got in for free since most of the workers knew that we would be coming to the park. I hadn’t been to the park in a long long time so everything looked new to me.

            “Where do you want to go first?” Suho asked once we got a map. “Wherever and whatever you want to do we’ll do okay? Today is all about you Yixing.”

            “No,” I said shaking my head. “Today is all about the both of us. I don’t want to just make today about me and not think about what you want too.” Suho nodded his head. “But first I want to go on the pirate ship ride.”

            “Sounds good to me,” Suho said. “This way.” He took my hand leading me deeper into the amusement park to where the pirate ship ride was. I looked down at our hands as he led me. I took a deep breath reminding myself it was Suho not Joonmyeon. Suho not Joonmyeon. Joonmyeon was gone and I was with Suho.

            We got onto the pirate ship ride sitting in the very back of the boat pulling the metal bar down over our laps. I took a deep breath as the ride began to start and we rocked back and forth getting higher and higher.

            “This is great!” Suho exclaimed throwing his hands in the air. He turned to look at me flashing me a bright smile. I blinked a few times feeling my heart racing smiling back at him. “Dimple!” He laughed reaching over poking the dimple on my cheek. “Cute.”

            “It’s not cute,” I said shaking my head. After the pirate ship ride came to an end we left to go on the spinning teacups and then the roller coaster.

            “Ready for the roller coaster?” Suho asked. I nodded my head as we stood in the long line waiting for our turn to be thrown around along the crazy course that was the roller coaster.

            “Ready guys?” the ride attendant asked as he checked to see if our seat belts were fastened securely. We nodded our heads before we shot forward shooting up the steep hill.

            “We’re going to fly!” Suho yelled. “Raise your hands in the air Yixing!” He threw his hands up in the air. “Come on!”

            “I’m okay,” I said shaking my head. “I don’t want to put my hands in the air.” Suho rolled his eyes before grabbing my hand closest to him throwing it up in the air. “Suho!”

            “Its more fun like this!” Suho exclaimed. He let out a loud scream before we flew down going faster and faster on the rollercoaster. I closed my eyes feeling my stomach trying to lift out of my body.

            “This is awesome!” I yelled once the thrill of the roller coaster washed over me. I put my other hand up in the air letting the adrenaline fill me up.

            “I told you so!” Suho laughed. “Smile!” He pointed to a flashing light above us as we both smiled before the ride came to a halt. “Let’s see our picture.” He led me to the photo booth.

            “Right there,” I said. I pointed up to the right hand corner of the screen seeing the two of us grinning goofily at the camera. “Look at our hair!” I said laughing. Our hair was flying all over the place.

            “We so need to buy this picture,” Suho said. He ordered two prints of the picture. “Don’t worry I got this.” He paid for the two pictures handing me one. “Here, to memories.”

            “Thank you,” I said smiling. I slipped the picture into my backpack. “Shall we get our food now?” Suho nodded as we made our way to where the majority of the restaurants were. “What do you feel like eating? I’ll buy our meals.” Suho scanned around the food court before pointing to a burger joint.

            “Let’s go over there,” Suho said. We made our way across the food court ordering two cheeseburgers, fries, and sodas before sitting down amongst the other people that were in the food court eating.

            “I am really happy we came today,” I said smiling. “This has been the most fun thing I have done in a really really long time.”

            “I’m glad that I could spend it with you,” Suho said. “I feel really special that I am the first person you’ve hung out with outside of the hospital. It means a lot to me.”

            “I should be the one saying that,” I said eating more fries. “I owe a lot of people a lot. If it weren’t for Dr. Lee I would’ve never been able to meet you. But if it weren’t for Joonmyeon I’d never have met Dr. Lee. But if it weren’t for Gege I would’ve never met Joonmyeon, which turned out to be you at the waterfall but still.”

            “Damn,” Suho said. “Well we should thank all of those people for bringing the two of us together.” He raised his soda as I raised mine. “To your hyung bringing us together, even if it wasn’t in the most happiest way.”

            “To us,” I said smiling. “Staring a new friendship and to helping me get better and leaving the hospital.” We clinked our sodas taking a sip of them.

            “Ketchup,” Suho laughed. He reached across the table wiping the corner of my mouth with his finger. “All clean now.”

            “Thanks,” I said smiling. “What would I do without you?”

            “Walk around with ketchup lips all day?” Suho laughed. “But then you’d find someone else almost as handsome as me to wipe your mouth.”

            “I bet they wouldn’t even measure up to your handsomeness,” I laughed. “They’d always fall short no matter who they were. Even if they were a k-pop star.”

            “Please,” Suho said. By now we were both laughing hysterically as people shot us strange glances. “I am not that handsome by a long shot.”

            “Yes you are,” I said. “You are seriously one of the most handsome guys I’ve met. And there are a few handsome guys I’ve met at school, especially in the Special class.”

            “When I am going to meet your friends from the Special class?” Suho asked. “I really want to meet them.”

            “I want you to meet them too,” I said. “I’m sure they would really like you. And then I could see if you were more handsome then Jongin, Kris, Chanyeol, or Sehun. As soon as I get out of the hospital I’m going to make sure you can meet everyone.”

            “That sounds really good to me,” Suho said. “I’ll be waiting for the day to get meet your friends. Shall we head off to do more rides?”

            “Yes,” I said standing up. I threw away our trash putting on my backpack. “Let’s go Joonmyeon.” Suho widened his eyes looking up at me. “What’s wrong?”

            “Y-you called me J-joonmyeon,” Suho said standing up slowly looking at me. I widened my eyes back at him.

            “I-I did?” I shook my head blinking. I looked at Suho letting out a yelp. It was Suho but it wasn’t Suho it was Joonmyeon looking at me. “N-no.”

            “Y-yixing,” Suho said slowly. “You should probably take your medication right now. Please. G-give me your backpack.” I closed my eyes sitting back down at the table shaking my head.

            “Joonmyeon,” I said feeling my eyes watering. “Suho. What is going on?” Suho didn’t say anything as he took my backpack off of my shoulders. He opened my backpack taking out the container with the pills in it.

            “Please take these,” Suho said. “Yixing take your medication.” He slid the pill container across the table to me. I looked down at the pills. “Take two and it’ll all be okay. I promise.” I picked up two of pills placing them in my mouth before swallowing them. I closed my eyes leaning my elbows onto the table. “Feel better.” He stood next to me rubbing my back.

            “I think I’m okay now,” I said after a while. “E-everything seems back to normal. I should’ve taken my medication before we ate.”

            “As long as your okay now,” Suho said. “That’s all that matters to me. Come on I want to show you something.” I stood up as he gently took my hand before leading me away from the food court to the mall section of the amusement park.

            “Where are we going?” I asked. Suho turned to me mouthing the word surprise as he led me up the escaltors of the mall until we reached a set of stairs that led to the roof. I looked around lacing my fingers with Suho’s as he continued to lead the way to this secret place.

            “Almost there,” Suho said. He took out a key from his pocket opening the locked door taking me out onto the roof. “No one but a select few workers and me have access to the rooftop.” We walked across the rooftop before we approached a cube shaped building. “This is it.” He handed me a key. “Open it.”

            I took the key from him putting it in the lock turning it to the left before pushing open the door. I stepped inside the little room looking around at everything. There were pictures of Suho and Joonmyeon as kids, toys on the floor, art supplies, it looked like a rainbow had exploded and colored the whole room in bright colors.

            “What is this place?” I asked as my eyes were drawn to a watercolor painting on an easel. It was a recent watercolor because I was in it. I had a small smile on my face but my eyes were a million miles away staring at something, something that seemed to be on the other side of the world.

            “I used to spend a lot of my time here as a kid after school,” Suho explained. “Dad would send the car to pick Joonmyeon and I up and we’d head here since he was always working but would come home with us. We’d stay up here and play until it was time to go. But after Joonmyeon died I stopped coming up here so much. It was too painful.

            “But after meeting you I managed to come back up here and was able to sit in this room. Before I couldn’t stand being in here without Joonmyeon because it didn’t feel right. That’s why all the pictures are all over the walls. I thought pictures of him would make this place easier to be in, but I was wrong. But since our first meeting I have been able to be in here comfortably.

            “And I even started painting again. You see I really like art and that is my dream to be an artist. I’ve been working on a few pieces but the one of yours is the one I’ve been working on the most. I hope you don’t mind that I decided to use you as one of my subjects for my painting.”

            “I don’t mind at all,” I answered looking at him. “I really like it, it looks a lot like me. But the eyes.” I studied them some more as they me deeper into the painting. “Why do they make it look like I’m not really there? Like I am there wherever this is but my soul isn’t.”

            “That’s because you aren’t all the way there,” Suho said quietly. “I drew you the way I see you Yixing. Yes when we talk you are very much present physically, but your eyes are always a million miles away. I want to get close to you but at the same time I just can’t for some reason. Want to know the reason why?” I nodded my head waiting for him to continue.

            “Well you see,” he said. “And I just might be completely wrong in thinking this but every time I see you, you aren’t seeing me. Kim Suho. You look at me like I am Kim Joonmyeon. I’ve seen it in your eyes. They cloud over and look full of sadness and look so lost. You talk to me but it doesn’t feel like you are talking to me but Joonmyeon. And I get it. You can’t suddenly push him out of your life just by meeting me. If anything I’ve made it harder because I’m his identical twin, but still. To me your soul is still searching.”

            “Maybe it is,” I said after a while. I sit down on the floor surrounded by the toys picking up a stuffed animal of a bunny. “There are times when I look at you and all I see is Joonmyeon and I have to remind myself its not Joonmyeon but you. And my heart races when I see you sometimes and when you touch my hand or look at me a certain way. But I know I’m not in like with you. I fell in like with Joonmyeon possibly even love with him. Which partly makes me think I like you.

            “I’m being selfish because I can’t look at you fully and not think you are Joonmyeon even on these medications which I might have to take my whole life. But I want to try and get better. So one day I will only see Suho in you. I am going to get better I just need your help. The more I’m around you the more I think I can get rid of seeing Joonmyeon in you. That is if you’re willing to help me.”

            Suho sat down next to me, moving some toys out of the way before lying down looking up at the ceiling where plastic stars were glued to the roof. I looked over to him feeling a little uncomfortable in the silence.

            “I will help you,” Suho said. “Maybe because you talk about my brother so highly. Maybe it’s because I like you. You’re my friend and I want you to be happy cause friends want their friends to be happy right? No matter how long or painful this will be I’m going to help you get better. I promise.”

            No more words needed to be said after that. I placed my back on the floor side by side with Suho as I looked up at the stars on the ceiling. Time didn’t matter because soon we were both asleep on the floor in the rainbow colored room, on the roof of the Lotte World mall. 

            I’ve never been in love with anyone my whole life so I don’t know if this is what I’m truly feeling. Love makes your heart race and hurt right? I want to say yes. I don’t want to be in love with a dead person. People say you truly only fall in love once right? Can it be with someone who is alive like me? Or is the world that cruel?

            ~ Yixing

So I definitely wanted for this chapter to be mainly Sulay fluff which it is except for like the very end. But I had to add a little bit of drama for Sulay since it isn't that easy to fall for each other in the real world. I really appreciate everyone that's subbed and commented. I am really happy with the progress of this story and I think this is the story that I like writing the most. 

~ALSK20