You are everything I’ve been looking for will you protect me? – Only U – TTS

            Dear Gege,

            My meeting with Dr. Lee has been postponed because he told me he was looking into more things regarding Joonmyeon. I’m nervous and excited for what he has to say. I heard that Leeteuk and Dr. Song would be present for the meeting. I hope they have some good news for me.

            “Yixing,” Leeteuk said opening the door to my hospital room. “May I have a word with you?”

            “Sure,” I said. “What is it?” Leeteuk made his way into the room closing the door, before taking a seat on the edge of my bed.

            “I just want to let you know that we’ve finally scheduled your next meeting with Dr. Lee and us,” Leeteuk answered. “It’s going to be tomorrow evening. We’re sorry it took a little more time then usual, but Dr. Lee has a surprise for you tomorrow.”

            “A surprise?” I asked looking at him. Dr. Lee usually never had surprises especially for me. “What is it?”

            “I don’t know,” Leeteuk said. “He didn’t really tell either Dr. Song or I what was up his sleeve. All I know it is something big. He said it might help with your treatment. So look forward to tomorrow night’s meeting. It’ll be in Dr. Lee’s office after dinner. I’ll be in the dining hall to meet you when it’s time.”

            After Leeteuk left I left my hospital room to go find Junhong to hangout with him and talk to him about what my meeting with the doctors might be about.

            “They have a big surprise?” Junhong asked. “That can only mean really good news. Dr. Lee’s surprises are usually always huge breakthroughs in patients.” Junhong smiled at me. “Man it must be a good breakthrough.”

            “Has Dr. Lee ever had a surprise for you?” I asked. “In all the time you’ve been here?” Junhong shook his head looking down. “Why not?”

            “My eating disorder there is no huge breakthroughs unless you count eating and not feeling bad about it a huge breakthrough,” Junhong answered. “Which recently has been getting better, thanks to you.” It was true the past few weeks Junhong had been eating better and gaining a little extra pounds to get closer back to a healthier weight.

            “Well its also your doing,” I said patting Junhong’s arm. “You could’ve easily said no and not ate well. But you decided to push through no matter how difficult it might have been for you.”

            “That is true,” Junhong said nodding his head. “I guess you convinced me, just like I convinced you.”

            Junhong and I had dinner in the cafeteria like always. Junhong had the steak dinner with chocolate cake while I had the fried chicken and chocolate sundae.

            “I’m now more nervous then ever,” I said. “When is Leeteuk coming to take me to the meeting?” I ate more of the sundae looking around the cafeteria for Leeteuk. Finally he showed up heading over to Junhong and I.

            “Yixing,” Leeteuk said. “Dr. Lee is ready for the meeting. Let’s go.”

            “See you later Junhong,” I said waving to him. “Talk to you later okay?”

            “Good luck with the meeting Yixing,” Junhong said smiling at me. “I’m rooting for you!” I followed Leeteuk out of the cafeteria to Dr. Lee’s office to see what the surprise was, ready for the breakthrough.

____________________

            I stared at Dr. Lee’s breakthrough with my mouth wide open in shock. I was staring at Joonmyeon but it wasn’t Joonmyeon. Dr. Lee had said this wasn’t Joonmyeon. I was still wrapping my mind around it.

            “You,” I said quietly looking at the guy that was Joonmyeon but wasn’t Joonmyeon. “You’re?” He nodded his head slowly flashing me a kind smile.

            “Hi,” he said. “Dr. Lee told me about you a little bit. I am Kim Suho, Kim Joonmyeon’s twin. I think from what he told me we met before in the past?” I nodded my head remembering the incident at the funeral and my first run in with the guy I thought was Joonmyeon.

            “So it wasn’t Joonmyeon who I met at the waterfall?” I asked as we sat down. Dr. Lee had left us to talk as the doctors went to take notes.

            “Nope,” Suho answered. “Sorry, but it was definitely me. Joonmyeon had been dead for probably two years when I met you. I was still pretty shaken up by the whole thing and spent all my time at the waterfall when I wasn’t in school.”

            “It must’ve been hard for you,” I said. The things we had in common, which was a big one. Both of us had lost brothers whom we loved a lot and whom tormented us a lot.

            “Same for you,” Suho said. “I mean clearly, yeah.” He looked around Dr. Lee’s office. “Sorry.”

            “It’s fine,” I said. “I mean clearly it messed me up a lot since I am in this place getting treated. I just can’t believe I met you but became friends with Joonmyeon.” Suho nodded his head in understanding. “You look so much like him.”

            “We’re identical twins,” Suho said nodding his head, saying the words like it was a fact no one knew. “Is it hard for you to talk to me because I look so much like Joonmyeon?” I nodded my head then shook it then nodded again. “Well?” He looked a little confused with my answer.

            “Yes,” I said slowly. “But at the same time no. I don’t know it’s complicated. Because you look like him which makes it easy but then at the same time I am purely talking to Kim Suho which is very much you, so it is hard since I don’t know you. I-I only know the made up Joonmyeon I created in my head.” I looked down at my hands in my lap falling silent. A stiff, uncomfortable silence taking over the two of us. Pretty soon I heard a sniffle and realized a moment later that it had come from me.

            I shook my head begging myself not to let any tears fall down my eyes. I didn’t want to, nor feel comfortable enough to cry in front of a stranger, especially one who looked like Joonmyeon. I clenched my hands together tightly as I saw my vision cloud over with the tears welling in my eyes.

            “H-hey,” Suho said softly. “I-it’s okay.” He slowly placed his warm hand on top of my hands not showing any sign of wanting to remove his hand from my shaking ones. “Cry if you need to, this must be hard.”

            “I,” I began. My thoughts were swirling around inside my head trying to form words. Trying to complete a sentence to say. I had so much to say but couldn’t figure out the right way to word them. “I don’t know how I imagined your brother all this time when I had only met you once. It doesn’t make sense. Six years of a made up person that I didn’t know was a real person.”

            “Was he nice?” Suho asked quietly. “Your Joonmyeon? Did he take care of you?” I nodded my head looking at Suho trying to blink the tears out of my eyes.

            “H-he did,” I answered. “After my gege died and I met I mean made up this Joonmyeon he became my hyung. The one person that helped me cope with everything I saw when gege took his life.”

            “That’s good,” Suho said squeezing my hand lightly. “I-I am glad to meet a person that Joonmyeon helped, even if he didn’t really help, but still he helped you. That is something Joonmyeon would’ve done. He like looking out for friends and caring for them, putting them before himself.”

            “I feel stupid,” I said finally forcing my thoughts to not be a jumbled mess inside my head. “I-I feel so stupid for talking about this version of Joonmyeon that wasn’t real when you knew the real Joonmyeon.”

            “You’re not stupid,” Suho said shaking his head. “You’re image of Joonmyeon seems pretty accurate in how he acted in real life. It is almost like you did meet him. Not many people gain Joonmyeon’s caring personality and trust like you did.” I shook my head, as tears finally broke free, streaming down my face.

            “I’m sorry,” I said. I stood up heading over to the window in Dr. Lee’s office, opening it sticking my head out the window, looking up at the sky. It was beginning to become night and stars were appearing in the sky. “Joonmyeon, the real Joonmyeon, I am sorry if you watched me portray you all this time. I love you a lot I love the version of you I made up. I wish I got to know the real you. So you could’ve been my hyung for real.”

            Resting my elbows on the windowsill I covered my face with my hands sobbing my eyes out. I let out occasional screams of sadness and anger as more tears kept falling from my face. They seemed to show no signs of stopping anytime soon. I didn’t even notice at first when I felt a pair of arms wrap around my waist and a head rest against my shoulder.

            When I noticed I looked down knowing it was Suho’s arms wrapped tightly around me and his head in the crook of my neck and shoulder. I blinked numerous teardrops out of my eyes. The two of us stayed hugging like that for an eternity. I lost track of all the time, but willed myself to turn around and hug him properly.

            I buried my face into Suho’s neck taking in his scent. The same familiar scent I always smelled when I was with Joonmyeon. I felt myself crying again not letting go of Suho. Suho stayed with me the whole time not letting me go as I cried out all my feelings and memories of my Joonmyeon out of my system. Junhong was right, Dr. Lee’s surprise was the breakthrough I needed and my ticket out of the hospital. Joonmyeon was gone and never knew me. Suho was here and very much real.

____________________

            “Yixing,” Leeteuk said. “We have mail for you.” He came into my room handing me a stack of envelopes. “Are you okay?” Ever since the breakthrough with Suho I was grasping myself back to reality. Joonmyeon wasn’t real and I was slowly getting better. I still had to take some pills everyday but other then that I was closed to being fixed. Dr. Lee had told me that I was probably going to be able to go home next week and return to my normal life.

            It was more then halfway through summer vacation and I’d only have a few weeks before school would start up again. I hadn’t realized how much time I’d spent in the hospital until they told me I had a short time left in these white rooms.

            “Here,” Leeteuk said. He left me to open and read the mail I had gotten, which were from my classmates. I hadn’t realized me being here I had missed probably so much of what was going on in their lives.

Dear Yixing,

            Do you still remember me? It’s been a long time since we talked and hung out. You left school before it ended so abruptly we didn’t know what to think. We didn’t lose a classmate. We lost a close friend. I am even starting to forget what your voice sounded like. Don’t let that happen Yixing. You are my best friend, my advice giver, if it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t have been able to tell Minseok hyung how I felt about him. Please get better soon so we can finish our last year of high school together.

            Your best friend Jongdae

Dear Yixing,

            You are the best most badass Chinese, Korean rapper I’ve ever met. You are truly a bright spot in my day when I see you. If this is the last time I get to talk to you then I hope this letter is more the enough. I can’t imagine not seeing you over the summer or in our last year of high school. Don’t forget we promised to go to the same university after we graduate. So please get better quickly so we can still create many new memories together. I don’t want to believe this is the last memory.

            Your happy virus Chanyeol

Dear Yixing,

            First off I am sorry for the tearstains that will be on this letter, because I know I won’t be able to write this without crying. I admit I was really shocked when I got the news that you were not coming back to class for a while or ever. I don’t want to lose you as a friend. So please get better as quickly as you can. Without you in the class it just doesn’t feel right. Our class is no longer complete. Please do everything you can to get better Yixing. I’m sorry I cannot do more for you when you probably need us most.

            Love the one bacon that’s not edible Baekhyun

Dear Yixing,

            I am sorry you couldn’t attend the graduation party. It was not the same without you. I have taken your words into my heart and given my life some serious thinking. I remember that one time when you told me to not make myself any skinnier. I looked at myself in a new mirror today and I realized you were right. I am not trying to loose anymore weight. At the graduation party I even ate two whole slices of cake without regretting it. I’m not over my problem but I am working on it. My advice for you is you work on your problem so I can see you real soon. Who knows by then I might have more meat on my body by then. Stay strong.

            From not perfect but content Luhan

Dear Yixing,

            The class isn’t the same without you. It wasn’t same before you joined us as the eleventh member to our class. I hope you come back to us really soon. I miss hanging out with you. I just wish I could visit you, even though they wouldn’t let me see you. So this letter is the only way I can see you. I am thankful you helped Jongin get his sorry to ask me out. He told me you told him to finally ask me out. I wish you could see everyone. We are trying to me happy with our lives but knowing that you are not okay is hard for us. Get better soon so we can have our Yixing back.

            From the kid with the big eyes and squishy cheeks, Kyungsoo

Dear Yixing,

            You are the first person I have ever written an actual letter to. I’ve never even written a letter to Santa. That makes you extra special man! I just want to let you know that Luhan, Minseok, and I graduated and had the graduation party. It that you weren’t there to celebrate with us. I want you to get better really really soon because we got to make tons of memories before I’m off to university and my life becomes extra hectic. In other news Tao and I went to the movies and I got to hold his hand. He is so cute. Get better quickly.

            Your cool guy Kris

Dear Yixing,

            This letter will be easier for you to understand me since you won’t have to listen to my annoying stutters. I wonder how you are doing. No one can see you we are all just waiting for you, hoping you are getting better. It is kind of scary waking up and not knowing whether you are okay or not. I don’t like not knowing how my friends are doing. Luhan told me that it was partly because of you that he is working on not being so uptight about his weight. Thank you for helping hyung Yixing. You are truly inspiration for us all, so come back soon so we can have fun again

            The maknae Sehun

Dear Yixing,

            You’ve got to come back friend. I miss not seeing your cute dimpled face. I didn’t even get to celebrate my graduation with you. It wasn’t complete without you. I never even got to say thank you for everything you have done. You truly made the last few months of my high school journey really memorable. I’ve done so many things I wouldn’t have done, like performing Genie in a talent show. I hope you are well or trying to be well. Don’t forget to smile.

            Lollipop lover Minseok

Dear Yixing,

            You’re my dancing bubby you got to come back so we can hangout over the summer break and so we can spend your last year of high school together. I refuse to believe that I will never get to see you again. I am waiting for the day I will see your smiling face walk through the classroom door again. I don’t look at you as a classmate but a brother. You helped me realize that I really liked Kyungsoo and made me take that extra step in telling him. Get better and come back to us. We miss you a lot.

            Your dancing maniac Jongin

Dear Yixing,

            Even though I am still a sour puss most of the time, if this is the last time you will hear from me I have a few things to tell you. Thank you for not giving up on me and making me enter the talent show with the class, it was a lot of fun and if you hadn’t convinced me I would’ve missed out. I’m grateful for everything you’ve done in trying to cheer me up and just being by my side. I am not strong by a long shot and I guess all this time I leaned on you without helping you. I wish I had realized that sooner. Come back to us so you can lean on me sometime.

            Cutie panda boy Tao (Kris made me put that… Why does he think I am cute?)

            Reading the letters I realized even more how much I wanted to see them all again. And how much I wanted to tell them that I was okay. I met the truth and was ready to be me not the teenager talking to air. I wanted them all to meet Suho. I wanted them to become friends with Suho. I wanted to see him again.

            Staying in the hospital taught me a lot of things about myself. One, I am not as strong as I pretended to be. Two, I never want to stay in a hospital ever again. Three, I made a great friend who I never want to lose contact with, Choi Junhong, who helped me so much. Four, I was going to be okay and my life was going to start on a new chapter. It was time for me to be me. I had spent six years living in a false world and I was ready to live in the real world.

            ~ Yixing

__________________________

I'm sorry it took so long for this update, I had a lot of stuff going on and a lot in my head. So many ways I wanted to write Suho into the story but yeah here is the final product. I hope you liked it and it lived up to everyone's expectations? Haha well Yixing is going to be leaving the hospital in the next chapter, and Suho is definitely staying around (Hint hint Sulay~~ the real Sulay) as always I love all your comments and thank you all! 

~ALSK20