It takes another three days and a sketchbook full of Jiwon before Hanbin finally breaks. When he tells Jinhwan he just shakes his head and tells Hanbin

“You two’s stubbornness will never cease to amaze me, I hope you know that.” But he smiles and tells Hanbin he can take his car if he needs to.

It takes him another day to build up the courage to actually go. There’s a thousand times where he heads for the doorway, grabbing his keys and jacket with determination in his eyes. And a thousand times when he turns back, shoulders slumped in defeat. There’s always a good reason he can’t: he just put in a load of laundry, he promised Jinhwan he’d make dinner tonight, Jiwon probably won’t be home at this time. Once he makes it all the way to the street outside of the apartment before he realizes he forgot the car keys and has to turn back. And he doesn’t want to admit that he’s afraid, terrified, of what he’s going to find. Afraid that when he sees Jiwon he’ll realize he stills loves him (afraid to see him and realize he doesn’t) and the fear is heavy in his stomach.

When he finally does go Jinhwan is at work with the car and he has to take the subway. Jiwon’s still living in the same apartment, and the route to his house is one Hanbin has taken many times before. He doesn’t mind taking the subway so much, in a way it’s more freeing then driving. He doesn’t have to pay attention to anything, instead he stares out the window and watches the dark tunnel blur and the lights rush by into infinity. He tries not to think about what he’s going to find at Jiwon’s apartment, tries not to think at all and instead focus on the music in his headphones. Hard as he tries thought he can’t distract himself so he chews his lip and taps his fingers and tries not to feel so sick

The walk from the subway station to the apartment complex takes ages and no time at all. As he walks Hanbin tells himself it’s not to late to turn back, tells himself he can wait another day, tells himself a lie for every step he takes. And that’s what they are, lies. Because he knows he has to do this, do this now or he might never. Knows Jinhwan is right. Finally the walk ends though, as all walks do and Hanbin is faced with the familiar apartment complex he once called home. Jiwon’s apartment is on the third floor, the seventh door down the hallway. There’s a locked door at the front of the building but Hanbin still remembers the code and lets himself in. He’s glad, because he’s honestly not sure Jiwon would let him in if he heard his voice. Hanbin doesn’t take the elevator, walking past them towards the stairs. It’s a childish attempt to delay the inevitable, pushing each second as far as possible. It’s silly because there’s no turning back now and in all honesty this is something Hanbin knows he needs to do to be able to move on but he is still afraid. Of what he’s not sure.

Before he knows it he’s standing outside the door to what he called home only a year ago. It feels like a century ago. For a while he just stands there, staring. He can feel his heart pounding a steady rhythm in his chest He knocks once, twice, and just as he’s raising his hand to try a third time he hears a muffled voice call from inside

“I’m coming, just a second”

The voice is so familiar it aches and just hearing it makes Hanbin want to run and hide. But he doesn’t, instead he stands outside the door holding his breath and hands clenched tight in his pockets. There’s sounds of movement from inside, clatters and the rustle of paper being pushed aside and then the door opens and standing there is Jiwon. Jiwon, still beautiful and dark and distant and everything Hanbin wanted. Jiwon staring, pale and cold in nothing but a loose white t-shirt and boxers. For a while they just stand there and look at each other. Hanbin doesn’t know what to say so he says nothing, just takes the time to look at Jiwon. He drinks him in like a man in a desert whose dying of thirst. Like maybe his eyes can swallow him up and keep him safe and close and whole. He looks like he just woke up, eyes still a little bleary and glazed and shirt rumpled. His hair is a mess, sticking out and up, a few locks curving out from behind his ears and across his forehead (and the urge to reach out and brush them back is so great Hanbin’s glad his hands are still in his pockets) He notices he’s lost weight. Jiwon’s always been thin, but now he seems to be more made of angles and planes and crooked lines then flesh and blood, like if he turn sideways he might just disappear.

If Hanbin didn’t know Jiwon as well as he did he’d think there was no emotion on his face, just ice. But he does know him well and so he sees it, in the set of his eyes, the ways his brows pull together just the tiniest bit, sees it in his mouth tight and straight and flat like a string stretched a little to far. They’re both silent, and in the silence is electricity, both waiting for the other to make the first move. Eventually Hanbin gives in,

“Can I come in?”

For a moment Hanbin thinks Jiwon is going to slam the door in his face, but then he steps aside and with the tiniest dip of his chin invites Hanbin in. He steps past him and he’s close enough to feel Jiwon brush against him and it sends shivers down his spine. Once inside he glances around the apartment. It’s a mess to say the least, take out boxes litter every flat surface, old clothes lie discarded on the floor and there’s a stack of dishes in the sink Hanbin can see from here. He almost makes a crack about how Jiwon’s really let the place go but restrains himself at the last minute. It’s more a hysterical impulse really, trying to cope with seeing someone he loved (loves?) so clearly falling apart. And it’s something he would have done before, before he left, before things started to fall apart. A gentle affectionate joke, but now he doesn’t know where stands with Jiwon anymore (he’s not sure if he ever did) so he’s quiet. Eventually Jiwon speaks and his voice his flat and dull and cold

“So, you’re back.”

Hanbin nods uncertainly, not sure how to navigate his way around Jiwon.

“Yeah, been here for a couple weeks now.”

Jiwon just nods, silent and almost recalcitrant. Hanbin can hear the unspoken you’re only visiting now and it stings a little. They stand there quietly for a little longer, and for some one as talkative as Jiwon normally is the silence is unnerving and unusual, it is not the same Jiwon from a year ago that faces Hanbin here in this dirty living room and the two blur together like overlaying pictures frames. It’s like a spot the difference game in a child’s coloring book, but now the differences are harsh and glaring and heartbreaking.

“Why did you come.”

The question is asked casually. Jiwon’s voice flat and unassuming on the surface,  but beneath the veneer of calm it is fraught with emotion like the deep currents that push and pull under the glassy surface of a mountain river. Hanbin chooses his words carefully, not really sure of the answer himself.

“I just wanted… I needed to see how you were.”

Jiwon shrugs and spreads out his arms wide, his face closes off and Hanbin senses this isn’t the answer he wanted but he doesn’t know how to give him one he does.

“Now you’ve seen. You can go back to the rest of your day.”

Hanbin doesn’t move however, just stands there.

Jiwon’s eyebrows furrow and his mouth tightens

“I said you can go. You’ve done the right thing, congratulations, now good bye.”

Hanbin pulls back a little, the harsh words like a slap.

“Jesus Jiwon, you’re not an item on my to-do list. I came because I wanted to know if you were okay after I- after I went away.”

Jiwon just snorts, and smiles a little and it’s a bitter humorless grin that stretches his mouth in a cruel twist. And Hanbin can already feel them falling back into their old patterns, can already feel Jiwon’s defenses rising as he pulls away.

“After you left me Hanbin. Just say it, you left.

And now Hanbin can feel his own walls rise, feels the anger start to bubble in the back of his throat because Jiwon’s tone is so accusatory, so one sided. But he pushes down the anger and pain and tries to remember why he’s here and when the white heat cools all that’s left is a feeling of exhaustion. So he repeats again quietly, like he’s trying to convince himself

“I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“You just ing left Hanbin. I came home you were gone, and all you left me was that note. How was I supposed to be okay with that?”

“Jiwon, I’m sorry I hurt you. But I had to leave, I couldn’t miss this opportunity, not even for you. And I’m not going to apologize for my choice because it was what was best for me. You can’t blame me for that Jiwon.”

Jiwon scoffs, running his hands through his hair angrily. He’s pacing back and forth, shoulders tense and hunched.

“Stop making this about me Hanbin! This is about you, about your decisions okay!”

Hanbin stares in shock, because after all this, after so long how can he not understand.

“Don’t you get it? It’s always been about you Jiwon! I supported you for three years. I worked extra hours, I let you turn my room into a recording studio, I was always there for you Jiwon. And I don’t regret it, because it made you happy, and because that’s what you do for people you love. I don’t regret it, but the one time I ask for you to support me you can’t? The one time I asked for something you said no. Do you understand why I had to go, with or without you?”

And it’s all so painfully familiar, like their life is a play and the lines have already been written. This moment has already played out a thousand times before, the stony look on Jiwon’s face, the slight tremor in his voice have been perfected and Hanbin slips easily into his role. It’s all so familiar, and yet different, Jiwon’s a little thinner, a little hungrier, the apartment seems a more empty and cold then it used to, and the ache in Hanbin’s chest is a different kind of pain then it was before. He looks at Jiwon’s face and all the fight drains out of him, he’s done this a thousand times before and he knows how it ends.

“Maybe coming here was a mistake. I’m sorry.”

And then he turns to leave. Jiwon’s voice echoes behind him, sharp and bitter.

“That’s right, run. Just like you always do.”

For a moment he pauses, and part of him wants to turn, wants to fight back, wants to explain that he wasn’t just running away he was running towards something but he knows Jiwon won’t listen. His mind is made up and nothing that Hanbin says is going to change it. So he just whispers, more to himself then to Jiwon

“I’m sorry.”

And then he walks out the door.

He goes straight back to Jinhwan’s and tries to ignore the weight that feels a lot like guilt sitting in stomach. As soon as he gets inside he goes to the kitchen and gets a glass.  As he pulls it down he realizes his hand is shaking a little and sets it down quickly, grabbing cool plastic surface of the counter so tight his knuckles turn white he holds on until they cease to quiver. He makes a quick stop at the cupboard where Jinhwan keeps his alcohol and pulls down a half full bottle of soju. Then he sits at Jinhwan’s kitchen table staring at his glass and bottle and realizes three things.

1. Jiwon is the same selfish he was a year ago.
2. Jinhwan is probably going to force Hanbin to talk to him again.
3. Hanbin is still hopelessly in love with the aforementioned .

He thinks about these three things for a bit and then pours himself a drink.

When Jinhwan comes back from work later Hanbin’s almost finished his bottle. He takes one look at Hanbin sitting at the kitchen table with a lost look and his face falls.

“I’m taking it that it didn’t go well with Jiwon.”

Hanbin slowly shakes his head, staring at the bottle of soju. It’s beautiful how the light filters through the liquid, casting shadows that dance and shift on the table in front of him. It’s easier to look at the shadows then to look in Jinhwan’s eyes so he stares down at the table.

“He’s never going to forgive me.”

Jinhwan sighs, and dropping his work bag on the chair next Hanbin grabs a glass from the shelf for himself. Sitting down he reaches over and pulls the soju over, pouring himself a drink. Throwing it back he sets the glass on the table again and runs his hands over his face.

“You two are so damn pig headed, you know that? He will forgive you, he just doesn’t know how to deal with his emotions, never has…Just… Just promise me you won’t give up Hanbin?”

Hanbin stares into the bottom of his glass. Thinks about the sharp fierce look on Jiwon’s face, thinks about the bitter words he spit at him. Thinks about how his heart still sped up when he opened the door. He looks up at Jinwhan.

“Alright. Alright.”

And even as the words leave his mouth he wonder’s if he’s making a mistake.