In the days leading up to he and Jiwon’s meeting it’s all Hanbin can think about. He feels like a fresh faced teen before her first date and it annoys him that Jiwon still has this much control over him but there’s not much he can do about it. Hanbin ends up sitting alone at Woodstock on Friday, Jiwon’s working but he said he’d be able to get off early and so Hanbin waits. He didn’t tell Jinhwan he was meeting Jiwon, didn’t tell anyone because he’s still not sure how this is going to end and he doesn’t want to get their hopes up, he’s still trying not to get his up. He sits at the bar and nurses a beer, Mino’s not on tonight and the bartender is a new face Hanbin doesn’t know. When Hanbin orders another beer he asks,

“So, got a date tonight or are you drinking alone.”

Hanbin shrugs uncomfortably,

“I’m waiting for someone… a friend.”

He raises an eyebrow and smirks.

“A friend, huh.”

A half hour passes and still nothing, a part of Hanbin just wants to leave. Wants to go home and pretend this never happened but something keeps him in his seat, he’s not sure what. It’s pushing 9:00 and Hanbin’s about to give up when Jiwon walks in, hair slicked back and wearing a shirt that dips a little too deep. He looks around the bar and when he sees Hanbin his face lights up in a way only Jiwon can manage. The bartender follows his gaze and lets out a low whistle,

“Watch out with him, you could cut yourself on that one.”

Hanbin thinks that he already has. As Jiwon walks toward him all he can think is what am I doing in an endless repeat inside his head. It’s the feeling of the slow climb to the top of a roller coaster, there’s fear because you know what’s ahead, there’s anticipation, but there’s also the rush of adrenaline and want underneath it all. And when the rails fall away you don’t think at all, you just feel pure and wild and untarnished. Jiwon’s the slow climb and the drop at the end all at once.

Jiwon reaches him and drops into the seat next to Hanbin and orders a beer. He’s a little breathless and his skin glistens wet from the rain outside, drops running down the exposed curve of his collarbone. Hanbin’s mouth goes dry and he takes another sip of his drink.

“Sorry I’m late, my boss was being a and then I missed the bus so I had to run here.”

Hanbin shakes his head,

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it.”

It starts out a little uncomfortable, a little stiff. They test each other’s boundaries, where they can and cannot go and there are more then a few awkward silences. Because even though they’re working on it they can’t pretend the last year didn’t happen, can’t gloss over the fights and the ugly moments. As the night goes on though the awkwardness fades away and they fall back into what they had before. It feels new and fragile and yet so familiar all at once. Jiwon’s careful to respect Hanbin’s space, keeps his hands to himself, but there’s a few times they brush together and Jiwon’s bare skin against his feels like fire.

They go back their building together, Jiwon walks him down the hall to his apartment which feels a little silly since Jiwon lives just a floor above but it’s a sweet gesture and Hanbin doesn’t mind so much. They linger outside his door, just talking and laughing and it feels so natural and Hanbin remembers why he fell in love in the first place. It’s easy to forget the fights and angry words and empty nights right now, standing here with Jiwon and even though Hanbin knows the danger it lingers in the corners of his mind and he ignores the voice in the back of his head that says he should say goodbye and go to bed and forget this whole thing ever happened. He ignores it because he wants just a little more, a few more seconds of this night. It’s always like this, because Jiwon’s an addiction. He craves him, wants him, needs him, even though he knows he’s dangerous. Jiwon is like playing with fire, except Hanbin’s not so sure he’d mind getting burned. So maybe Jiwon’s not the only addict here, maybe Hanbin is just as guilty.

He doesn’t know how it happens, he never does, but one moment they’re talking and the next Jiwon has him pinned up against the wall beside his apartment door, hands on the sides of his face and mouth pressed against his and Hanbin’s kissing back, letting his hands wander down the expanse of Jiwon’s back.  They stay like that for maybe 30 seconds tops but it’s the longest 30 seconds of Hanbin’s life. In the end it’s Jiwon who breaks away first, stumbling back with wide eyes, his fingers pressed to his lips so hard they go white.

“I’m sorry.”

Then he turns and almost runs down the hallway without waiting for a response. Hanbin watches him go, breath coming hard and fast. He stands in the hall for a long time after Jiwon disappears back still pressed against the wall and world spinning around his head. He wishes he could blame it on the alcohol, blame it on loneliness and lust and late nights but it was never just that with Jiwon, it was never just. It was something more, something deeper. Something so much more deadly.

Hanbin wakes the next morning to the memory of Jiwon’s lips on his and immediately groans and rolls over, pulling a pillow over his face. He lies there for a long time, replaying last night over and over in his head like a movie. This is why he should’ve have said no in the first place, because he’s starting down a path he’s not sure he wants to follow, not sure he’s ready to follow. When he finally gathers the energy to get out of bed he shuffles to the kitchen and makes himself a pot of coffee. After he has caffeine in his system and the pounding in his head recedes a little he calls Jinhwan. He answers the phone in a rough whisper,

“Hey, what’s up?”

Hanbin glances up at his clock in confusion, it’s past 10 and Jinhwan’s normally an early riser.

“Why are you whispering?”

“Yunhyeong’s over, he hasn’t woken up yet.”

Hanbin feels a little bad, he hadn’t even considered that Jinhwan might not be alone. He’s so used to his friend always being there when he needs him, he has to remember that’s he not always the only person in his life.

“I can call back later if you want.”

“No it’s fine, he sleeps forever. I’ll just get up.”

There’s the sound of rustling sheets and the creak of a door opening and closing. When Jinhwan speaks next his voice is at a normal volume.

“So, what’s up?”

Hanbin takes a deep breath and spills the whole story of Jiwon coming over to his apartment the day he moved in too the end of last night. After he’s done there’s a long pause on the other end of the line.

“Congratulations?”

Jinhwan’s reply is as uncertain as Hanbin feels. He lets his head fall against the back of his couch, examines the spots on his ceiling.

“That’s the problem, I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or not.”

Jinhwan sighs and the noise echoes like static through the phone.

“Look, Hanbin, did you have a good time?”

“Yeah, I did.”

“Okay so then it was a good thing.”

Hanbin chews at the inside of his lip,

“I don’t know though, because I don’t know if I can do this with him again…if I’m ready.”

“Then it was a bad thing.”

Hanbin shakes his head, the sound of early morning traffic filtering through his window with the smell of gasoline and wet pavement.

“No, no….it wasn’t bad- it was just…I don’t know…”

Jinhwan’s tone when he responds is verging on exasperated.

“Hanbin, I love you, you know that. And I want you to be happy, so you have to make a decision about this. You obviously still love him, you just have to decide if you love him enough to try again. It’s that simple. You can’t keep flip flopping back and forth like this, it’s not fair to him and it’s not fair to you.”

The words sting a little, and Hanbin knows they’re true, but it’s not as easy as Jinhwan makes it sound. Not so easy just to decide, yes or no, especially not with the taste of Jiwon still on his lips. He ends the call just as unsure as when he started it.

After that night Jiwon doesn’t stop by the coffee shop for a while, long enough that his co-workers notice. Even Seunghoon who’s fairly clueless and rarely emerges from the kitchen ask where ‘bunny boy’ as he calls him is. It’s almost a relief, if Hanbin is honest with himself, because he’s still not even close to sorting out how he feels about the whole thing and seeing Jiwon would only make it that much harder. After the fourth day Jiwon is absent Taehyun asks,

“Did you two fight or something?”

Hanbin shakes his head, slowly wiping crumbs off of a dirty table.  

“No, the opposite really.”

Eventually, though, Jiwon texts him. It’s short and Hanbin can almost feel the embarrassment radiating through the screen of his phone.

I’m really sorry about the other night. Can we just pretend that never happened?

He taps out a reply.

Okay.

Apparently Jiwon meant this very literally because he starts to drop by the coffee shop again and he doesn’t say a word about the kiss or any of that night in fact. He’s his usual self, all smiles and jokes and Hanbin sometimes has to remind himself that the whole thing wasn’t a dream. It’s for the best, he tells himself, for the best. Sometimes though he catches the look on Jiwon’s face when he thinks Hanbin isn’t looking and it’s harder to convince himself of that.

When he finishes her portrait he invites Hayi over to see it. She gasps a little when she sees it, eyes wide and Hanbin smiles. He’s not one to brag but he has to admit he’s proud of it. Her face dominates the canvas, expression somewhere between serene and wistful, eyes focused somewhere far in the distance. The background is consumed by full blooming roses in a hundred different shades of red and pink and yellow, framing her pale skin and dark hair. She stares at it for a long time silently, finally she asks,

“Why roses?”

Hanbin shrugs.

“They just seemed to suit you, beautiful but with an edge.”

She smiles, and her cheeks are a little pink.

“It’s beautiful Hanbin, really.”

Afterwards they go out to lunch at a sushi place down the street from Hanbin’s apartment. It’s a place he used to go all the time with Jiwon, they’re even sitting at their regular table, and it’s strange to be there with someone else. To look across the table and not see Jiwon sitting there, bright smile on his lips. He shakes the nostalgia off though and focuses on what Hayi’s saying, tries to separate the past from the present.

“I have a proposal for you.”

Hanbin looks up from his sushi, curious.

“What is it?”

She takes a sip of her water, sets the glass down on the table.

“I had an exhibition planned for the end of the month with this painter from Sweden. He had to drop out for personal reasons and now I have an exhibition date and no artist. Would you want to step in?”

 For a second Hanbin stares at her, mouth half open and wonders if he heard her right. She stares back, looking a little uncomfortable and finally snaps,

“Don’t sit there and stare at me like a idiot, just answer all right!”

Hanbin shuts his mouth and swallows, nearly choking as he struggles to get the food down.

“Yes, yes I’d love to! Of course I would!”

She looks relieved, brushing some hair out of her face.

“It’s really last minute so it’s going to be a lot of work to put together.”

“That’s fine, this is a really great opportunity. I would be crazy to turn it down.”

She smiles and reaches her hand out across the small table.

“Okay then, looks like we’re in business.”

Hanbin shakes her hand, smiling right back.

“Looks like.”

Hayi takes him to visit the studio a week after she gives him the news. It’s in one of the trendier parts of Seoul, Insadong, and as they walk the streets are lined with galleries and boutiques. Hayi’s is tucked in between a big gallery and an Italian restaurant, an eggshell white front with huge glass windows facing the street. The inside is white too, with honey colored wood floors and tall arched ceilings. Hanbin cranes his neck, spinning to take in the whole space. Hayi stands to the side and watches him silently.

“Wow, it’s really beautiful.”

And it is. Hanbin imagines the large empty walls filled with his paintings and can’t help but smile. Hayi interrupts his reverie,

“Have you thought about the theme for your exhibition?”

Hanbin nods, lets the white sear into the backs of his eyelids.

“Yeah, I think… New beginnings.”