Hanbin takes Jiwon to see his exhibit later that week. They take the subway, standing close on the chilly grey platform and wait. As the train speeds through the tunnels Jiwon who’s sitting across from him stretches out his leg and kicks at Hanbin’s foot.

“You know, technically, I’ve already been to your exhibition.”

Hanbin just rolls his eyes.

“Yeah, technically. We were a little…preoccupied…that time.”

Jiwon smirks at him in a way that is so completely and utterly Jiwon and the back of Hanbin’s neck warms.

He texted Hayi asking if it was okay if he brought a friend over after hours before they left. She texts back,

Is he the one from your sketchbook?

Yes.

She doesn’t say anything for a while and Hanbin anxiously taps his fingers against the back of his phone. Eventually she does reply though, and Hanbin lets out the breath he was holding.

Alright, I’ll stay after closing to let you guys in.

As they make the short walk from the subway station to the gallery Hanbin shivers, the night air is sharp and chilly. Jiwon reaches out and interlaces wraps his fingers around Hanbin’s and suddenly he feels a little warmer.

When they reach the studio Hanbin gives the glass panels of the front door a light knock and waves at Hayi. She waves back and getting up from her perch behind a desk and walks over to the door and pulls it open. She smiles and her eyes slide over Jiwon’s face and down to their intertwined hands. He almost misses the hurt that flashes across her face, almost. After brief introductions Hanbin unlocks his fingers from Jiwon’s and puts a light hand on his shoulder.

“Go take a look around, I’ll be right with you alright.”

Jiwon nods at him and with a polite goodbye to Hayi walks deeper into the gallery. He watches him go and can feel Hayi’s eyes burning into the side of his face. When he turns to face her she doesn’t look away. 

“So, you two…. Are you together?”

Hanbin shrugs.

“Something like that.”

Because he’s not really sure what he and Jiwon are. Together doesn’t seem like enough to describe what they have. She nods and looks down, just for a second, and when she looks up she tilts her head back so her eyes stare towards the ceiling and not at Hanbin. She lets out a breath long and shaky, and there’s a smile on her lips but it’s a little bit sad.

“You know, I think there was still a part of me that thought maybe I still had a chance. But…seeing you together…”

She finally looks at Hanbin and her eyes are still a little heartbroken but there’s gentleness in them too.

“Seeing you together I realize I never even had one to begin with.”

Hanbin opens his mouth but she raises single graceful finger and places it against his lips, shakes her head.

“It’s okay, Hanbin, it’s alright. You two… you belong to each other. Anybody with eyes can see it. Don’t feel bad about that, not for me.”

She lets her finger drop finally. Hanbin doesn’t say anything for a moment, struggling for the right words.

“I wish… I wish we didn’t have to want things we can’t have.”

Hayi shrugs.

“It’s not so bad. Besides, most of the time we find things we can. And those are just as good. And sometimes, it turns out we can have the things we thought we couldn’t.”

And her eyes drift to Jiwon, standing with his back to them in front of one of Hanbin’s paintings and Hanbin’s follow. Like he can feel their gaze on his back Jiwon turns, making eye contact and smiling, giving them a little wave. Hanbin waves back. He turns back to Hayi,

“Go show off to him, you’ve earned it. Anyways, I’m meeting some friends so I should get going.”

Hanbin nods,

“Alright, have a good time!”

Hayi shrugs on her jacket and wraps a pale scarf around her neck before heading for the door. Before it swings shut she swings back and with a little half grin calls out

“Hey, if Chanwoo asks for my number again, you can give it to him.”

And Hanbin raises his eyebrows a little at that but can’t help but smile. He watches her disappear down the street before turning and walking over to Jiwon, standing next to him so close there shoulders touch and their fingers brush together.

 “What were you talking about?”

 Hanbin shrugs, looking at the portrait in front of him. It’s the one he based off his sketch of Jiwon. It’s a figure, face blurry and indistinct, stretched out over a couch with light filtering down across them. They’re glowing, some light that comes from inside and shines golden and soft out of there skin and it radiates across the canvas in a haze of soft yellow and white.

 “Things we can and cannot have.”

 “And what can you have?”

 Jiwon asks and his breathe brushes across the back of Hanbin’s neck.

 “You.”

And it’s a question, but it’s not. It’s not because Hanbin already knows in his bones what he can and cannot have and Jiwon is something he can. Suddenly embarrassed Hanbin looks down, feeling his cheeks heat, and changes the subject.

 “So, what do you think?”

 Jiwon doesn’t look at him, and his reply comes floating on an exhaled breath.

 “It’s beautiful, Hanbin.”

 Hanbin smiles, because something about Jiwon’s words sound almost reverent. Sound almost like a prayer. They walk around the small gallery and Jiwon looks at each piece like he’s never seen a painting before. Hanbin offers to turn the lights on but Jiwon catches hold of his hand, shaking his head.

 “No, no I like it like this.”

 Finally they end up back where they started and Jiwon turns to Hanbin.

 “This was amazing, Hanbin. Seriously so ing amazing. Like I can’t even believe that you did all of that amazing.”

 Hanbin laughs but he can’t help but blush a little at the praise.

 “Thanks. You know I think you really helped a lot.”

Jiwon looks at him, confused.

 “How so?”
“All the angst I had over you really got those creative juices flowing.”

 Jiwon raises an eyebrow and smirks.

 “So are you saying I’m your muse?”

 “I guess so.”

 Jiwon wraps his arms around Hanbin’s waist and pulls him close and Hanbin let’s his head fall against Jiwon’s shoulder. When he speaks his quiet voice echoes against Hanbin’s ear.

“It’s an honor.”

 They stand like that for a long time, just holding each other, in the pale moonlight room with Hanbin’s art hanging on the walls around them and Hanbin can feel their hearts beating in time. Somebody once told Hanbin that we love the things that kill us. And that’s true, because Jiwon turns him to ash with each breath, destroys Hanbin with every touch but there’s something beautiful in the destruction. Something beautiful about the devastation he leaves behind

 He tells Jinhwan first, of course. He doesn’t want to do it over the phone, it seems wrong somehow, to say something like this over text. Seems disrespectful, in the same way his older friends always told him never to break up with a girl over text he doesn’t want to do this with silent letters on a screen. Instead he invites Jinhwan out for barbeque. They sit at the front window of the restaurant, legs tucked under them and samgyupsal bubbling and spitting in front of them. Jinhwan is watching him carefully as he eats and makes small talk, eyes sharp and watchful. He doesn’t say anything though, and tactfully avoids the topic of Jiwon. The sky starts to darken and the soju flows and Hanbin keeps waiting for the right moment to tell him but it never seems to come, there’s no natural gap in the conversation so Hanbin never brings it up. He’s strangely nervous, he doesn’t even know why because Jinhwan was the one who pushed them back together in the beginning. Eventually though Jinhwan makes the decision for him.

 “Hanbin, you’ve obviously been wanting to say something the whole evening, just spit it out already.”

 Hanbin swallows hard, looks down at the scraps of lettuce and rice on his plate. Jinhwan gently nudges his foot under the table,

 “Come on Hanbin, tell me.”

 Hanbin takes a deep breath and says it all at once.

 “Jiwon and I are back together again.”

 Jinhwan stares at him, eyes wide and shocked.

 “Are you serious?”

 And even though Jinwhan’s tone isn’t judgemental in the slightest Hanbin suddenly feels strangely defensive.

 “Yeah. For almost two weeks now.”

 Jinhwan leans back in his seat, running his fingers through his hair and lets his breathe whistle between his teeth.

 “I mean, I know I really pushed you guys together but after… after everything that happened… And then he didn’t show up to your exhibition, I figured you would be done. Are you sure this is something you want?”

 Hanbin nods, because if there’s one thing he thinks he’s sure of now it’s Jiwon.

 “I’ve never been so sure of something in my life.”

 And he discovers that once he starts talking it’s kind of hard to stop and so he tells Jinhwan about Jiwon showing up after his exhibition, about the night after. Tells him about waking up the next morning, about pancakes and pillow fights and chocolate chips and how finding Jiwon felt like coming home again. As he talks Jinhwan rests his chin on his hand and just listens. When Hanbin finally stops Jinhwan’s just staring with a gentle smile on his face that makes Hanbin flush.

 “What? Why are you smiling like that?”

 Jinhwan sits up and shrugs, smile still on his lips.

 “I just haven’t heard you sound this happy in a long time.”

 Hanbin lets out a soft laugh.

 “It’s funny, I spent so long fighting this, spent so long being afraid of Jiwon and it made me so unhappy. All I had to do was stop fighting it to find out it was right in front of me this whole time.”

 Jinhwan shrugs and takes a bite of samgyupsul.

 “That’s the tricky thing about happiness, it likes to hide in plain sight.”

 And Hanbin is happier, he realizes. He hadn’t noticed until Jinhwan said something because it’s almost imperceptible but there’s a lightness in him that hadn’t been there before. It wasn’t that he was unhappy before, he still had his friends and his art and his life hadn’t been bad, there was just an empty space inside him that was waiting to be filled. Jiwon fits perfectly in the space, fills all the emptiness till some days he feels like he’s bursting. The thing about Jiwon is he is a study in extremes. Sometimes Hanbin will let himself into the apartment at 3 and find Jiwon still in bed, other days he texts him at four in the morning and seems confused when Hanbin tells him to go to sleep. Jiwon either eats to much or Hanbin has to remind him to feed himself. There’s no grey with Jiwon, never has been, it’s all one or the other. This isn’t always a good thing, Hanbin knows from experience, but it means that when Jiwon loves, he loves passionately. Hanbin had forgotten what it was like to be with Jiwon like this. It’s almost too much sometimes, and before it had been. Hanbin realizes now they didn’t work then because he didn’t truly understand Jiwon, couldn’t understand him. Now he does though, knows when to take a step back and when to move in closer and their relationship is the same but different, better now then it was before. They had to be apart before they could be together.

 He’s back at work for the first time since his exhibition and it’s hard to settle back into the routine. He’s fidgety and distracted, he keeps messing up order’s much to Taehyun’s annoyance. He apologizes during a little lull when the café is mostly empty, sheepishly rubbing the back of his head.

 “I’m sorry, my head’s just kind of somewhere else right now…”

(with someone else)

 Taehyun gives him an exasperated look,

 “Well please retrieve your head from wherever it is at least for the next two hours alright?”

 Before he can finish his sentence the bell on the door rings and Hanbin looks up to see Jiwon walk in, hair damp and flat from the rain. He can’t help the smile that spreads over his face and he gives him a little wave. He greets him quietly, already starting to make his drink. Jiwon leans against the counter and grins, flipping his bangs out of his face. They act normal, at least Hanbin thinks they do. They chat and maybe Hanbin smiles a little wider then normal, maybe their hands linger a second too long when he gives Jiwon his change, but Hanbin doesn’t think they act out of the ordinary. After Jiwon leaves though Taehyun gives him a suspicious look,

 “You two seem…different.”

 Hanbin looks up from pulling more milk out of the fridge.

 “What do you mean?”
Taehyun doesn’t answer, just keeps staring at Hanbin until it’s a little uncomfortable.

 “Did you two sleep together?”
Hanbin blushes at that, scratching uncomfortably at his ear.

 “Well, um… we-“

 He doesn’t even get the chance to finish his sentence before Taehyun breaks out into a smile, face lighting up.

 "Are you guys dating!?”

 Hanbin doesn’t answer still embarrassed but apparently Taehyun sees all the confirmation he needs in his face.

 “Holy you totally are!”

 He runs into the back and emerges pulling along a flour-dusted Suenghoon who looks confused. Pointing towards Hanbin he smacks Suenghoon a little too excitedly on the back.

 “They finally got together!”

 Suenghoon smiles so wide his eyes almost disappear,

 “Congratulations! I’m really happy for both of you!”

 Taehyun on the other hands rolls his eyes, 

“Ugh, thank god. The between you two every time he came in was getting annoying.”

Hanbin blushes even harder and Taehyun laughs, Suenghoon gives him a sympathetic smile behind his back. He blushes but it feels good to finally share it again, because Jiwon is not a secret he’s ashamed of, and it feels right that everyone knows they belong together.