He’s sitting on the couch with his head in his hands when Jinhwan throws the door open. He looks up and Jinhwan’s looks shocked when he sees the full damage He can only imagine what he looks like. One of his eyes is already starting to swell and he can feel blood drying on his lip and nose, taste blood on the inside of his lip. Jinhwan rushes over to Hanbin, drops into the crouch next to him, fingers exploring the bruises on Hanbin’s face. His breath hisses out through his teeth, short and sharp. His eyes are angry, and the normally soft features of his face are hard and tense.

“I’m going to kill him.”

Hanbin’s not sure how to feel at that, because he’s angry yes, but he’s also scared. Scared because up until now he’d been able to ignore Jiwon’s problem, able to shove it aside and not think about it but now he’s been forced face to face with the darker parts of Jiwon’s life. So he’s scared for himself, but also for Jiwon.  He chooses to respond with silence. Jinhwan sighs, anger spilling out of him in tight tense waves and pushes himself to his feet.

“I’ll be right back.”

He disappears into the kitchen and there’s the sound of the fridge door opening and closing. When he reappears he’s holding an ice pack wrapped in a tea towel. He presses it up against the worst bruising on Hanbin’s face.

“You should get checked out.”

Hanbin just shakes his head and sighs, reaching up to press the pack against his face and Jinhwan’s hand falls away.

“I’m fine, just achey. I’ll pop a few advil and sleep it off.”

Jinhwan shakes his head, standing again.

“It’s not a choice Hanbin, I’m taking you to the hospital.”

And from the set of his mouth Hanbin knows there’s no way he’s winning this argument. They don’t talk on the drive to the hospital, Jinhwan’s anger doesn’t show on his face anymore but his fingers are gripping the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles go white.

The doctor’s diagnosis is what Hanbin expected, ice the worst of the bruises and then get some rest. After the examination he leaves Hanbin alone in the small room to get dressed, excusing himself to see another patient.

Hanbin’s just pulling on his shirt when he hears a noise as the door opens. Thinking it must be Jinhwan coming to take him home he turns with a smile on his face and an 'I told you so' on his lips but when he looks it’s Jiwon standing in front of him not Jinhwan. The smile drops from his face, replaced by shock words dying in his throat. Jiwon stares at him, eyes tracing across the bruises, and Hanbin isn’t normally self conscious but the way Jiwon’s looking at him makes him feel , he steps back, legs bumping into the edge of the hospital bed. Jiwon raises his hand, looking like he wants to reach out and touch the purple-blue marks, and it stays, stuttering in the air in the air between them like a bird with broken wings before it falls back to his side. Jiwon breathes a single word, low and quiet and yet it rings against the walls of the cramped space all at the same time

“”

Hanbin laughs, and if it’s a little bitter he pretends not to notice.

“Do I really look that bad, Jiwon?”

Jiwon looks at him a little surprised.

“No, I mean yes- …”

He trails off and his stare is so intense it makes Hanbin uncomfortable, so he busies himself with smoothing the sheets on the bed.

“I’m so sorry Hanbin, this is all my fault. My…my dealer… I was late on paying him. I never thought this would happen.”

Hanbin sighs.

“Yeah I’m not going lie this was your fault. But don’t try and take all the blame, the who did this also gets to take some credit.”

His lips stretch as he speaks and he winces as a scab on his bottom lip pulls open. He reaches up to wipe at it but Jiwon is faster. He reaches out again and this time he lets his thumb trace a line along the curve of Hanbin’s mouth, coming to a stop at the bleeding cut. It rests so gently against his lip he can barely feel if it’s there, but the rest of Jiwon fingers are firm against the bottom of his chin. When Hanbin inhales he can feel the scrape of Jiwon’s nail against his teeth. They stand there as the world continues on around them, like statues in frozen in time they stare. And for a little while Hanbin let’s himself sink into Jiwon’s achingly familiar touch, but then he thinks about why he’s in this hospital in the first place. Thinks about little white pills in orange plastic bottles, and remembers Jiwon’s shoulders in that doorway a year ago, remembers how he didn’t say I love you back and then he turns his face, just a little, just enough and Jiwon’s fingers fall away, thumb red with Hanbin’s blood (he feels their touch burned into his skin)

“I’m sorry”

he whispers and he’s surprised at how rough his voice is

 “I just can’t do this right now. It’s too soon, I’m not ready to start over yet.”

 Jiwon looks at him and his eyes are glassy with tears

“will you ever be?”

And in that moment Hanbin wishes more then anything that he could lie, but he can’t, not to Jiwon, he owes him that much so he looks him in the eye and tells him the truth.

“I don’t know.”

And then he grabs his jacket from the chair and leaves so Jiwon can’t see the tears that are in his eyes too. Jiwon’s voice stops him in the doorway though.

“I really am so sorry, you have to believe me. I never meant for… for my problems to hurt you Hanbin.”

Hanbin turns, and he’s telling himself to just walk away but something keeps him there in the little hospital room with Jiwon and the guilt in his eyes.

“I know you didn’t, but it did. And you know what? It’s hurt a lot of people before me. All of our friends are worried about you, it hurts them to see you do this to yourself.”

The words he doesn’t say are it hurts me but Jiwon’s always been good at reading between the lines. Jiwon turns to him again, and he always tries so hard to look tough but in this moment he looks like a lost child, eyes wide and vulnerable and it breaks Hanbin’s heart a little.

 “Listen, I know I don’t have any right to tell you this. We’re not together anymore, and I don’t even know if we’re friends but I’m going to tell you anyways, because it’s what you do… it’s what you do for people you love. Stop this. Stop this now before it’s to late. Before something happens you can’t take back. If you can’t… if you can’t do it for yourself, do it for me.”

Hanbin doesn’t know what he expects really, maybe more apologies, maybe anger, some display of emotion at least. What he gets is silence. Jiwon looks to the floor, not meeting Hanbin’s eyes shoulders slumped and narrow. Hanbin feels his jaw tighten. He’s not really surprised, just disappointed and hurt and tired, so tired. He nods once, short and sharp.

“Alright. I understand.”

And then he brushes past Jiwon and out of the room. He hesitates, just for a moment, outside of the door. Waiting for what he’s not really sure, for Jiwon to come running after him maybe, for something. Nothing happens though and he shakes his head at his own blind hope and bites down hard on his lip.

Jinhwan drops him off at his apartment, still concerned but less angry.

“Do you want me to stay for a little while? I had a date with Yunhyeong but I can cancel if you need me to stick around.”

Hanbin shakes his head and smiles, careful not to stretch the scab on his lip.

“No it’s fine, I’d rather be alone actually.”

Jinhwan nods slowly, face still pinched and worried. He’s slow to leave, making another icepack first and forcing Hanbin to down two advil under his supervision. Eventually though there’s nothing left for him to busy himself with though, and he’s forced to go. Hanbin waves goodbye from the couch, Jinhwan lingers in the doorway.

“If you need anything just text me alright?”

Hanbin nods. Jinhwan finally leaves after making Hanbin promise to get some rest. He doesn’t sleep though, just sits on the couch where Jinhwan left him and stares at nothing. There’s an ache reverberating inside him that’s deeper then the bruises on his face or the cut on his lips and it won’t stop. He’s thinking, thinking to much about Jiwon’s laugh, the way his eyes crinkle when he smiles, the way his forehead creases when he’s concentrating and it overlaps with the look on his face in that hospital examination room and it’s too much all at once.

There’s a bottle of vodka sitting in the cupboard, a housewarming gift from Junhoe, and he takes it out, unscrews the lid and throws in on the counter. It spins, rattling loudly against the plastic surfacing and Hanbin watches it until it stills. He stands there for a long time, open bottle in his hand. Stands there till the thoughts of Jiwon’s touch, Jiwon’s smell, become too much and then he takes a swig, not bothering with a cup. After that it’s like fighting a losing battle, one Hanbin isn’t sure he wants to win. He ends up lying on the floor, fingers wrapped loosely around the neck of the bottle. He stares at the ceiling like his eyes can see through the timber and plywood and plaster to Jiwon. He wonders what he’s doing right now. Sleeping maybe, or sitting awake on his couch. Or maybe he’s as drunk as Hanbin is right now, maybe he’s high enough to forget the guilt. And Hanbin knows he shouldn’t want him, especially not after this, but he does.

Because the truth is Jiwon’s love is like diamonds, and Hanbin is the fool who will dig for them as long as he lives, even when his bones are weary and his hands are stiff and cold. Jiwon’s love is like diamonds, cold and hard and beautiful, just like him (full of sharp edges and shimmering lines) and Hanbin can’t help but want what he can’t have. And he’s drunk and lonely and the love and the lust are getting all mixed up inside him like smoke and misery and he never knew love could cut until he loved Jiwon.

He remembers reading once in a book of fairytales that if you bleed for something you’ll always get it in the end. He’s bled for Jiwon. His blood stains the hardwood floor of the home they used to share, splatters across all the empty places inside him Jiwon used to roam, he can taste it on the inside of his lip sharp and metallic and salty. So he’s bled plenty and Jiwon never seems to feel any closer. But he’ll bleed for him anyways till he has no blood left to give and he’s an empty shell of skin and bones and memories. And maybe in the end that’s the real reason he left, because he was terrified of what he was willing to give. Maybe that’s why he left. And maybe that’s why he came back.

Lying on the ground with scratchy carpet pressed into the bruises on his cheek and the cool glass neck of the bottle in his hand he makes a decision. He stands then, pushes himself blearily to his feet half empty bottle abandoned on his carpet. He makes his way out the door and up the stairs and then he’s standing outside of Jiwon’s door. He knocks heavily once, twice and waits, world spinning around his head. When Jiwon opens the door he’s just wearing a pair of boxers and tousled hair, but he doesn’t look he’s been sleeping. There’s none of the after-sleep haze Hanbin knows so well in his eyes, instead there’s something else, a fever, a fire. His voice is rough and husky when he speaks and it sends shivers down Hanbin’s spine.

“Is everything alright?”

And everything isn’t alright, everything’s far from alright. Hanbin’s standing drunk at one in the morning in front of Jiwon’s door and it’s not okay, but he’s here. He doesn’t reply, at first, just hands Jiwon a flyer with a date and address on it. Jiwon looks down at it, face confused.

“What’s this?”

“Your last chance. Be there, please. For both of us.”

He doesn’t give Jiwon a chance to respond, just turns and walks away. He looks back, just before he enters the stairwell. Jiwon’s still standing in his doorway, head bowed and both hands clutching the sheet of paper like it offers salvation.

The next day when Hanbin goes out to check his mail his sketchbooks been left in front of his door. When he grabs it a little piece of paper slips from between the folds like an autumn leaf and falls spiraling to the floor. He bends over and picks it up with trembling hands. There’s just two words printed in a hand writing Hanbin would recognize anywhere.

I promise.