Hanbin used to be afraid of the word love. Used it few and far between because he felt like that was the only way it meant something. Afraid that if he said it to often it would wear through like the ragged hem of his favorite tee shirt. Afraid that love was like a new penny, and he could erode its shine away with time and use till it was dull and brown and worn. He doesn’t think that anymore. Because love is just a word and there’s no quota, you can’t use up your love or give it away till there’s nothing left. So he says it as often as he can now. Tells Jiwon he loves him when he wakes up in the morning, tells him before he goes to sleep. He tells him when he’s leaving for work or when he knocks on Hanbin’s door after getting off a shift, tells him when they kiss.

He tells him he loves him because they only have so much time left now, and Hanbin wants Jiwon to know every second of every day that he still has him that he loves him. And maybe they weren’t meant to be together, their stars weren’t aligned or the signs weren’t right or maybe the universe just had it out for them in the end. Maybe they were just too different, too bright in their own ways, and this is for the best. Maybe there’s someone out there who will fit Hanbin like a glove and fill all the empty spaces in him and he will find new love in them, but that doesn’t change that Hanbin loved Jiwon deep and fierce and like he’s never loved anybody before and he will never love anybody again, and maybe Jiwon won’t be his last love but goddamn he loves him now and that matters. Matters in a way that Hanbin never understood before and he's realizing too late.

They both try to ignore the deadline hanging over their heads. Try to forget that their days are trickling through their fingers like sand through an hour glass, and for the most part they manage. They go out, to museums and parks and beautiful places. They borrow Jinhwan’s car for a weekend and drive down the coast and run barefoot on the beach. The cool wind whips the words from the back of their throat, sea water numbing their toes and when Hanbin kisses Jiwon his skin tastes of salt and sun. So for the most part they manage, but then one of them will slip up, will say something like ‘we should do this again next year’, and then they’ll both pause because there isn’t a next year. At least not for them. There’s a next year for Jiwon, and a next year for Hanbin, but not a next year for Jiwon and Hanbin.

Hanbin tries not to think about that though, if he does he thinks he might crumble under the weight of it. Might drown in it. So they get good at brushing it off, at pretending, because Hanbin meant what he said to Jiwon in that alley. They only have a little time left together and Hanbin’ll be damned if he wastes it with tears. The way he looks at it there’s two options, he can curl up in a ball and cry over the unfairness of it all or he can square his shoulders and make every moment he has left with Jiwon matter. He knows which option looks better to him.

They’re walking home from drinks with their friends. It’s late but the air is warm on the bare skin of Harbin's arms and he doesn't mind so much that he forgot a jacket. He's still drunk, much drunker then Jiwon and he sways and stumbles his way across the pavement until Jiwon rolls his eyes affectionately and pulls Hanbin's arm around his own shoulders.

“You know, you are the biggest lightweight I’ve ever met Hanbin.”

Hanbin snickers at that, letting his head loll gently to the side and Jiwon rolls his eyes again. There’s a streetlight behind Jiwon’s head and the bright white light of it filters through stray strands of hair and bathes them in gold, glints off the specks of copper in his eyes and the beads of sweat that gather on his temple and neck and in that moment he takes Hanbin’s breath away. He remembers a quote he heard years ago, from some famous scientist or something, about how people are made up of the same things as stars. That every atom in your body was once a star, formed billions of years ago in the heat of some supernova and thrown across miles and miles of space till it reached earth and became you. At the time he had thought it was a little cheesy. People are just people after all. Just flesh and blood and bone, certainly not stars, but looking at Jiwon in the glare of the fluorescent street light for the first time Hanbin thinks he might believe it. 

“You’re beautiful,”

He breathes, soft and wanting and wondering. Jiwon’s cheeks colors faintly and he looks away.

“And you are drunk. Wait till tomorrow morning and we’ll talk again.”

Hanbin shrugs, a little awkwardly since Jiwon’s holding onto one of his arms.

“Tomorrow morning I won’t be drunk anymore, but you’ll still be beautiful.”

Jiwon pauses then, his feet slowing and stopping on the pavement, and lets Hanbin’s arm slide from his shoulder. He turns to face Hanbin, and his face is almost pained, lines drawn into his forehead. Hanbin frowns, reaching up to smooth away the creases, but Jiwon catches his hand before it can reach his face. Cradling it gently in his own he traces the lines that run along Hanbin’s palm with wandering fingers, finally lifting it up he plants a dry kiss to the inside of Hanbin’s wrist, against the pulse of his heart.

“Why do you have to make this so hard?”

He whispers, voice ragged and low. Hanbin feels his own eyebrows crease in confusion,

“Make what hard?”

Jiwon sighs, pressing his lips to Hanbin’s palm this time.

“The thought of giving you up. I thought I’d get used to it, thought I could accept it somehow. But every ing day you just make it harder to let you go.”

Hanbin looks down, the light-hearted atmosphere of the evening suddenly gone. He bites hard at the inside of his lip hard enough to draw blood as his throat tightens.

“I’m sorry,”

He whispers. And he is sorry, sorry that he’s left a year ago and sorry that’s leaving again and sorry he’s breaking a promise he truly thought he could keep. He’s sorry for a lot of things, but mostly right now he’s sorry for the look in Jiwon’s eyes. Jiwon just shakes his head though, Hanbin’s knuckles.

“No, don’t be sorry. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to ruin the night like that.”

“It’s okay, it’s not your fault.”

Hanbin says softly, watching Jiwon through his lashes. Jiwomn shakes his head again, and Hanbin recognizes the look that starts to form on his face as trouble.

“Let’s not go home.”

Hanbin stares at him, confused.

“But it’s late, don’t you have work tomorrow morning?”

Jiwon grins wide and crazy and wild and his expression makes Hanbin’s toes curl and his stomach tighten.

“ work, forget about it. Let’s do something insane because we’re drunk and it’s only one in the morning and because I love you.”

Jiwon says, and wrapping his arms around Hanbin’s waist he pulls him in close and kisses him hard enough too bruise and Hanbin laughs against his lips. When he finally pulls away Hanbin asks, a little breathlessly,

“What should we do?”

Jiwon shrugs, crooked smile plastered across his face.

“I don’t know. What’s something you’ve always wanted to do but never have?”

Hanbin takes a moment too think, distracted by the feeling of Jiwon’s fingers reaching beneath the hem of his t-shirt and running feather light across the bare skin of his back. Finally he lands on something,

“Well, I’ve always kind of wanted a tattoo…”

Jiwon pulls back a little, his fingers slipping out of Hanbin’s shirt much to his disappointment. His eyes are surprised but there’s a smirk on his lips,

“Mr. goody two shoes wants to get inked up?”

Hanbin slaps his arm lightly smiling back at him.

“Oh shut up, it’s not that crazy. I’m an artist and tattoos are just a slightly more permanent form of art that happens to be on your body. In a way it’s the ultimate form of dedication to the cause, you donate your own body as the canvas for the piece, there’s something beautiful about that.”

Jiwon watches him with a soft smile on his lips and a look of affection in his eyes that makes Hanbin feel warm inside. He nuzzles at Hanbin’s neck, breath ghosting along the Hanbin’s ear and whispers,

“You’re so hot when you get all artsy, you know.”

Hanbin giggles, blushing a little; partly at Jiwon’s words and partly because his neck is very sensitive. Despite the tickling sensation he doesn’t push Jiwon away however, at least not until Jiwon dips the tip of his tongue into the shell of Hanbin’s ear. Scrunching his face in disgust he mock-glares at Jiwon,

“You’re disgusting Jiwon.”

Jiwon grins, eyes disappearing into crescent shaped curves.

“Yeah, but you love me anyway.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I do.”

Hanbin says, kissing Jiwon again. He knows they’re in public and being gross, but in this moment he’s drunk on expensive wine and spring nights and the feeling of Jiwon’s hands underneath his shirt and he can’t bring himself too care. When they pull away again Jiwon looks at Hanbin, suddenly serious.

“Let’s do this.”

He says, Hanbin just stares back in surprise.

“Seriously? I mean, I don’t know if this is a good idea… Are any tattoo places even open at this hour?”

Jiwon shrugs,

“I’m sure we can find somewhere. I’ll even get one too, if it makes you feel better.”

And maybe it’s just because he’s still drunk or maybe it’s because of the way Jiwon’s looking at him but Hanbin finds himself nodding and it’s worth it too see Jiwon’s crooked smile bloom.

They do manage to find a place that’s still open when they arrive at nearly 2 in the morning, thanks to a little help from google. It looks a sort of sketchy from the outside and Hanbin almost has second thoughts about this whole idea but before he can formulate a sentence Jiwon’s already pushing him through the door. A bored looking woman with an eyebrow piercing and too much eyeliner sits behind the front desk on her cellphone, looking up at the sound of the door swinging open.

“What can I do for two?”

She asks, voice low and husky.

“Well, um, we’re here to get tattoos. We don’t have appointments or anything, if that's alright.”

Hanbin gets out, nerves making him stumble over his words. The woman raises an eyebrow and glances around the empty shop.

“Yeah, I think we can fit you in.”

She says dryly. Hanbin hears Jiwon chuckling behind him and elbows him in the side. The woman stands, gesturing for them too follow her and they walk past the small entrance way and into the main body of the parlor.

“So, what do each of you want?”

She asks, turning back towards them. It’s at that moment Hanbin realizes he has no idea what he wants, too caught up in the excitement of their plan he hadn’t given any thought to the actual tattoo. The silence hangs for a moment too long before Jiwon jumps in,

“We’re going to choose them for each other, actually.”

He says, looking to Hanbin for approval. Hanbin takes a deep breath, deciding that if he’s going to get a tattoo while drunk at 2 in the morning he might as well not even choose it. He nods, and Jiwon smiles at him, giving his hand a quick squeeze. If the tattoo artist is nonplussed by the decision she hides it well, simply nodding and putting her hands on her hips.

“Alright then, who’s first?”

In the end it’s Hanbin who goes first, which he’s glad for because he still hasn’t decided on what his tattoo for Jiwon will be. The tattoo artist, her name is Ji Hee, is swabbing down the inside of his left forearm with disinfectant with a smell that burns at the inside of his nose, tattoo gun prepped and lying on small metal table next to the chair he’s sitting on and Hanbin’s really starting to regret the decisions that led him to this moment in his life. He’s mostly sober now, and he’s suddenly wondering if he’s making a mistake. Jiwon is sitting beside him, watching him carefully.

“You okay? You’re looking a little pale… You know she hasn’t actually started yet right?”

Hanbin nods shortly.

“I’m fine. But Jiwon, if this is something terrible I’m going to haunt you forever you understand?”

Jiwon snickers,

“I know. But don’t worry, I think you’ll love it. Don’t you trust me too chose something nice for you?”

Hanbin sighs, trying to relax his tense muscles.

“You know I do… I’m just nervous, this is permanent permanent. Like never coming off my body permanent, I think I’m allowed to be a little anxious.”

Hanbin replies. Before Jiwon can respond Ji Hee finishes up whatever’s doing in the corner.

“You ready?”

She asks, tattoo gun in hand. Hanbin takes a deep breath, steels himself, and nods.

“Okay, here we go.”

She says, and the tattoo gun whirs to life in her hand. The first line hurts, but not as bad as Hanbin thought it would, and he finds himself watching as the needle drags along his skin, blood beading to the surface behind it. Jiwon’s voice distracts him from the sight though,

“Hey! I thought we agreed no looking until both of ours are done!”

Jiwon says, and Hanbin murmurs an apology and tears his eyes away. Jiwon however isn’t bound to the same rules and he watches Ji Hee work, eyes curious.

“Is it really painful?”

He asks. Hanbin almost shrugs before he remembers why that would be a bad idea at the moment.

“No, not really. I mean it’s not fun, but it’s definitely manageable.”

As Ji hee continues, pausing occasionally to reapply ink to the tip of the needle, Hanbin tries to discern the design, something long and narrow for sure, but beyond that he has no idea.

“So, do you know what you’re going to give me yet?”

Jiwon asks, trying to distract Hanbin as Ji Hee goes over a particularly sensitive area. The guilty look on his face must give him away.

“Seriously Hanbin? She’s almost done with yours, you gotta come up with something soon!”

Hanbin frowns at him,

“I know, I know, I’m trying. It’s hard alright! This is a lot of pressure!”

At that moment Ji Hee pulls the tattoo gun back from his arm, and with a last wipe of blood and excess ink declares that Hanbin is finished. After applying Vaseline to the fresh tattoo she tapes a square of of cotton bandage over it. She still has to sanitize everything and switch out needles before she can start on Jiwon’s so Hanbin has a few minutes reprieve. Desperately he stares at Jiwon, trying to think what would best suit him, what he would want most. It’s hard to define because there are some thing's that are undeniably Jiwon in Hanbin’s mind. So many things he can’t look at anymore without thinking of him, and Jiwon is so much, so alive how can he be boiled down into just one thing? Music notes seem obvious, but too cheesy and inelegant for Hanbin’s taste, not to mention overdone. He tries to remember when he’s seen Jiwon happiest, seen him most alive and can’t help remember that night in the club. An idea starts too form, and when Ji Hee asks him if he’s ready he nods.

Jiwon goes and sits on the other side of the room as Ji Hee pulls out a pad of clean white note paper and a pencil.

“So what are you thinking?”

She asks, tip of the pencil hovering over the blank sheet of paper.

“Would you mind?”

Hanbin asks, reaching for the pencil. Ji Hee shrugs, turning the pad till its facing him and handing him the pencil.

“Yeah, be my guest.”

He works for a few minutes, lip caught between his teeth and brows furrowed in concentration. Giving it an appraising look he hands it back to Ji Hee when he’s finished. She looks it over, letting out a low whistle.

“You’re a pretty good artist.”

Hanbin laughs,

“I’d like to think so. I did go to university for four years for it.”

“So you’re an artist?”

She asks, as she starts to trace Hanbin’s design onto the guide paper. He shrugs, watching her careful, assured lines.

“Yeah, or trying to be at least. I mostly work with oils though, not pencil.”

Ji Hee nods, eyes focused on her work.

“That’s cool. I’ve always liked oils. Even dipped my toe in that pool when I was younger. I found my true calling in ink though.”

With that she finishes up the trace, showing it to Hanbin for approval. It looks good, lines clean and thin and dark and he gives her a thumbs up, calling Jiwon over. He chooses the inside of Jiwon’s upper arm, and Ji Hee swabs the area down as Jiwon grins at Hanbin.

“So, did you choose something good?”

Hanbin shrugs,

“I hope so. Either way you’re going to be stuck with it.”

Jiwon rolls his eyes, scoffing.

“Oh come on Hanbin I’m sure yours will be beautiful, you’re the artist here after all, that’s gotta help.”

Hanbin just shrugs again, suddenly unsure of his choice. What if Jiwon hates it? Then his lasting memory of Hanbin will be something he doesn’t like. He crosses his arms as Ji Hee preps the tattoo gun, fingers tapping nervously on his elbow. Jiwon reaches out and carefully puts a steadying hand over Hanbin’s anxious one.

“Don’t worry,”

He says, voice soft.

“I know I’ll love it. I’d love it if it was a ing potato Hanbin, because every time I’d look at it I’d feel you on my skin and so, in a way, you’ll be with me forever.”

And as Hanbin watches Ji Hee trace over the lines of his drawing and feels the warmth of Jiwon’s fingers on his he thinks that he never wants to forget this how this moment felt.

When she finishes Ji Hee retreats to the front of the store, supposedly to ring them up but Hanbin thinks she’s really just trying to give them some privacy.

“Who goes first?”

Jiwon asks, and even though he tries to hide it Hanbin can tell that he’s nervous. Not ready to look at his yet Hanbin silently dips his chin towards Jiwon. Jiwon nods, taking a deep breath, and starts to peel away the soft bandage over the tattoo. Hanbin watches his face carefully, seeing as the nerves fade from his eyes replaced by surprise and then watches as a smile spreads across his face. When he looks back to Hanbin he’s got that look on his face that always make Hanbin’s insides ache, eyes creased, mouth stretched so wide it looks like it’ll break and front teeth sticking out a little too much in a way that's just so Jiwon that it makes Harbin's heart stutter in his chest for a moment.

“It’s perfect.”

He breathes, fingers running over the little black microphone now inked onto his skin forever. Hanbin blushes, looking away.

“I don’t know…I came up with it really fast and the lines-”

He never gets to finish his sentence though because Jiwon reaches over and grabs him by the back of the neck, pulling him in for a kiss. Hanbin kisses him hard and messy, teeth scraping together and his hands coming up to fist in Jiwon’s hair. When they pull away from each other Hanbin’s lips feel as swollen as Jiwon’s look.

“Okay,”

Jiwon says, voice quiet and halting and breathless.

“You have to look at yours now.”

Hanbin nods nervously, and starts too pull away at the cotton pad across his forearm. The adhesive leaves lines of glue from skin to tape that stretch and stretch before snapping and Hanbin realizes he’s holding his breath. Bit by bit the piece is revealed: a thin, elegant, black and white paintbrush. It’s maybe five inches long, every bristle finely inked, the skin around it is still red and irritated but even then it’s beautiful. It’s just what Hanbin would have chosen and his breath rushes back into his chest. He vaguely hears Jiwon speaking,

“It’s not as cool as yours, like I tried to draw something but it just looked like a stick so Ji Hee fixed it for me-”

“Shut up.”

Hanbin whispers low and fierce, eyes locked onto Jiwon’s. Jiwon stops talking, eyes wide and surprised,

“Shut up, Jiwon. It’s perfect.”

“Really?”

Jiwon asks, voice fragile with hope. Hanbin nods, and thinks that somewhere along the line this stopped being about tattoos and started being about something else entirely.

Later when they’re walking home hand in hand, matching bandages on their arms, Hanbin thinks about what Jiwon had said earlier. Every time I’d look at it I’d feel you on my skin and in that way you’ll be with me forever. The words ring true because now every time he looks down he will see Jiwon in the ink beneath his skin, and he thinks there’s something beautiful about that.

A.N.

If anyones interested these are what I imagine their tattoos to look like!

Hanbin - https://www.pinterest.com/pin/521643569330194333/
Jiwon - http://www.imgrum.org/media/1262447776003906278_1471808189