They take the subway to meet the rest of the guys, there’s no point in taking Jinhwan’s car because they’ll almost definitely be too drunk to drive it back. It’s a little chilly, and Hanbin pulls his jacket tighter as they make their way down the block. Jinhwan walks quietly beside him and Hanbin sneaks a glance at him. Things have felt strange since dinner, a little tense and uncomfortable. He doesn’t think that Jinhwan’s mad at him, but he just seems disappointed almost and Hanbin can’t help but feel guilty. He hopes seeing their friends and a couple of drinks will smooth out any wrinkles in the night.

The sun is just sinking behind the tops of the buildings and the street is dyed bright orange red, store-fronts and skyscrapers glittering gold in the dying light. It’s beautiful, in the way that endings generally are. He remembers long walks and cold hands and fingers interlacing and light dancing along the line of an arched throat. A little knot forms deep in his stomach, hard and cold and sharp, it feels like heart break (it feels like Jiwon) and suddenly he wants to be drunk, wants to forget. He quickens his step and Jinhwan gives him a questioning look but doesn’t say anything.

The subway is crowded, full of people heading out at the end of the work week and they both end up standing. Hanbin let’s himself move with the twists of the train, the tightly crammed bodies around him holding up. He and Jinhwan chat, over the sound of quiet conversation and the rumble of the train. About how different American subways are to Korean ones, Hanbin had seen just about everything in the New York subways, the good the bad and the ugly. He’d seen homeless men and women with empty eyes and empty signs and hollow sunken cheeks that had made him shiver and turn his eyes away with guilt. He’d seen just about any bodily fluid you could name spread out on the train platforms, but he’d also seen beautiful things too. A girl who couldn’t have been more then 17 or 18 playing guitar and singing clear and sweet and true. The colorful mosaics in one of the subway stations in the Bronx, a man with dark hair and dark eyes rapping with an upturned hat in front of him (and he’d turned his eyes from this too, with a different kind of guilt).

When they get off the train and walk up the stairs to the street the sun has disappeared and the street lamps have flickered on, the artificial light blending with dusky shadows. Luckily the bar is only a few blocks from the subway station and they make it in a few minutes. The bar isn’t usually crowded, it’s not in the one of the trendier parts of the town and it’s definitely not a tourist trap but it’s nice. All dark wood and dim lights, with pop music playing in the background just loud enough to be danceable but not loud enough to be deafening. It’s always been their groups go-to ever since they discovered it one drunken night of exploration.  True to form it’s not packed on this particular Friday night, a few couples tucked into dark corners and small groups scattered around at tables. After scanning for a second Hanbin sees Junhoe and Donghyuk sitting at the bar and they wave at he and Jinhwan.

Donghyuk stands and gives him a warm hug when he walks over. Junhoe claps him on the shoulder and lets his fingers linger for a few seconds when he takes a seat on the bar stool next to him which is the Junhoe equivalent of a hug.

“So, does Korea still compare to the wonders of the US of A or are you going to leave us again for the bright lights of New York?” 

Junhoe asks with his usual level of sarcasm. Hanbin laughs

“You know, I think I’m home to stay this time.”

The next few minutes are spent catching up, and exchanging stories about the time they’ve missed. Hanbin is just finishing up a story about how a ADD when a pretty girl with a kind face and long silky black hair walks towards them from the direction of the restrooms. Junhoe stands immediately and puts an arm around her waist

“Hanbin, this is my girlfriend Soohyun . Soohyun this is Hanbin.”

She reaches out her hand, smiling brightly.

“It’s good to finally meet you! I’ve heard a lot about you from Junhoe.”

Hanbin stands and shakes it

“All good I hope?”

She laughs, and says with a wink

“Oh you know, most of it. But don’t worry I didn’t believe any of the bad”

After introductions they all sit again but Hanbin notices that Junhoe’s hand doesn’t leave Soohyun’s waist and when he thinks no one’s paying attention he stares at her with a look that sharpens some of the hard lines in his face.

“So, when is the rest of the crew getting here?”

Donghyk glances at phone before replying

“Last I checked Chanwoo was on his way here, so should be any minute.”

No sooner do the words leave his lips then the door to the bar creaks opens and in walks Chanwoo talking to a man Hanbin recognizes from the photo in Jinhwan’s apartment. Jinhwan calls out and they look over and wave as they walk towards the group. Yunhyeong makes a beeline for Jinhwan, kissing him gently before pulling away and murmuring something in a quiet voice. There’s something so intimate, so private about the moment that Hanbin can’t help but feel uncomfortable watching, like he’s seeing something he’s not meant to so he busies himself with greeting Chanwoo. He feels a tap on his shoulder and turns back to Jinhwan

“Hanbin I want you to meet Yunhyeong.”

Hanbin smiles and shakes his hand. Yunhyeong is even more handsome in person, with full sculpted lips and even almond shaped eyes. He smiles back at Hanbin and it is bright and broad and friendly.

“I’m glad I get to meet the guy I’ve heard so much about from Jinhwan.”

Hanbin laughs a little

“I could say the same about you.”

Junhoe interrupts loudly

“So now that everybody’s here can we start drinking please?

There’s a murmur of assent from the group and Junhoe continues

“I propose since this celebration is in honor of Hanbin’s return that he buy the first round!”

There’s a louder cheer this time and Chanwoo pounds him on the back excitedly.

“Okay, okay, first rounds on me. You guys are gonna bankrupt me y’know.”

He’s joking, but he can’t help but wince a little as he thinks of his steadily draining bank account. Junhoe taps on the bar to get ahold of the bartender and holds up seven fingers. On tonight is Mino, who they knows them from their regular visits to the bar. He’s a nice kid, still working his way through college, and also a notorious flirt. When he learns Hanbin just came back from the states he gives them the first round free, and winks

He throws back his shot and watches as his friends laugh and joke. Despite his absence they’re still pretty much the same. There’s a few new faces, different hair cuts but at their core they’re still the same group of people he left behind a year ago and it’s nice to have some familiarity to cling to. It’s nice to be able to fall back into the spaces he used to fill so easily again. It was only a year, Hanbin knows that but a year can feel like a long time, a year can be a long time for people to move on. Part of him had been afraid that when he came back he would find himself looking in from the outside, watching his friends but feeling apart like a round peg in a square hole. He doesn’t though, they still smile and laugh and throw and arm around his shoulder like nothing’s changed and he’s so grateful for it.
 

The night goes on and the empty glasses stack in front of them and the world around Hanbin begins to spin and bob and blur to a haze of sound and color. It’s fun, a good night and it’s nice to see his friends again but as familiar as it all seems there’s something missing. Nobody mentions it, everybody pretends not to notice but Hanbin feels it like an ache in his side. There’s a Jiwon shaped hole and it hurts. Sometimes Hanbin will turn, to tell a joke or something and find nothing but an empty stool where Jiwon should be. In the US at least there was no one familiar, so he could pretend Jiwon’s absence was normal, but here it sinks in that Jiwon isn’t his anymore. That he’s not going to be there when he wakes up, not going to be next to him on the bar stool or in the kitchen, around the corner. Jiwon is gone, at least from his life and that stings more then Hanbin cares to admit.

At some point Junhoe and Soohyun both disappeared. Hanbin finds them when he gets up to go use the restroom. They’re tucked into a dark corner in the hallway to the bathrooms, hands wrapped in each others hair and eyes closed as they kiss. He remembers the first time he kissed Jiwon.

It was their junior year of college and Junhoe was having a house party. He didn’t really know Jiwon that well, but they had a few mutual friends and Hanbin would see him around campus a lot. He would always flash a smile as he passed that made butterflies tremble in Hanbin’s stomach. They were both drunk and shoved together by the waves of people rushing through the cramped house they’d started talking, about music and art and travel and the places they loved most, the places they’d been loved the most. They ended up on a balcony sharing a cigarette between the two of them (Hanbin didn’t even smoke) and they talked in the chilly night air, breathing smoke and mist into the air as water soaked through their socks.

Later, they stood in the darkened kitchen alone and afraid and excited all at once. Hanbin can never remember who leaned in first, no matter how many times he replays the moment in his head its all just a blur but in the end it doesn’t really matter who did because they’re kissing hard and rough and so gentle it hurts. Jiwon bites at his lip hard enough to draw blood and their teeth scrape and scratch against each other. He doesn’t know how long they stood in that kitchen, kissing among empty bottles and half full cups but he knows that when he pulled away both their breathes were gone. Then he’d grabbed Jiwon by the hand and they’d run through the house pulling open doors but every room was already full of people kissing or sleeping or throwing up. Hanbin remembers he had felt like a giddy teenager, laughing and dancing across hardwood floors. Eventually they’d found themselves in a closet, the only unoccupied room with a door and they’d giggled against each others mouths as they rattled hangers and knocked down clothes .

Shaking himself he keeps walking and tries leaves them with their wandering hands and tangled hair, tries not to think about what he used to have. It’s a losing battle.

When he walks back out the shadowed little corner is empty and he has to wonder if even saw them at all or if his mind just pulled ghosts out of the past. Walking out back into the main room he sees them standing with the rest of the group by the bar, sees the hair that’s been carefully put back into place and the little smudge of red lipstick on Junhoe’s mouth and grins to himself.

Junhoe and Soohyun are the first to leave. They excuse themselves with hugs and promises to meet again soon. Junhoe says that Soohyun is tired and needs to go to bed and as Hanbin watches them leave he knows they might be going to bed but they won’t be going to sleep.

It’s pushing one o’clock and everybody is slowing, the night winding down. Jinhwan and Yunhyeong are in their own little world, foreheads almost touching and eyes soft and hooded. They whisper things quietly to each other as their hands lay interlaced in front of them. Chanwoo is the next to go, and Donghyuk leaves with him to make sure he gets home in one piece. He taps Jinwhan’s shoulder a little awkwardly and Jinhwan looks up surprised, like he’d forgotten where he was. Hanbin gestures to his watch,

“We should probably head back. It’s getting pretty late.”

Jinhwan nods distractedly but makes no move to get up. For a moment Hanbin just stands, not knowing what to do. Eventually Yunhyeong leans down and whispers something into Jinhwan’s ear, he smiles at whatever it is and pulls him down into a kiss. Then he stands and turns to Hanbin

“Okay, let’s get going.”

They end up taking a taxi back, neither of them feel like dealing with the subway right now. It’s a silent ride, both of their minds are obviously elsewhere. Hanbin stares out the window and watches the street blur by. He thinks about Jiwon, thinks about what they used to have. And he loved Jiwon, he thinks, because he was never really sure if Jiwon loved him back. Not like it’s obvious Jinhwan and Yunhyeong love each other, the affection flowing off them in warm gentle waves. Jiwon’s love was always a little harder to find, buried beneath the surface of his diamond hard skin like precious metal. You had to work for it, find it in the little things that most people take for granted. And maybe that made it all the more precious in the end. And that much harder to lose.

“Did you have a good night Hanbin?”

Startled from his reverie he turns to Jinhwan

“Yeah, yeah I did. It was good to see everybody again…”

Jinhwan seems to sense the hesitation in his reply, sense the sadness behind it.

“It was great but?”

Hanbin sighs and looks out the window again, biting at his lip.

“It’s just… I didn’t expect to miss him so much.”

Lights flash by and Hanbin thinks of dark hair and pale skin and hungry, searching eyes.