Hanbin’s just finished his shift when his phone rings. He pulls it out of his pocket and is surprised to see it’s Hayi calling. Slipping on his coat and grabbing his backpack out of his locker he hits answer.

“Hey, what’s up?”

Her voice is bright and excited on the other end of the line.

“Are you free at all today?”

“Uh yeah, just got off work actually.”

He replies, shrugging the strap of his backpack over his shoulder and heading towards the door.

“Okay great, can you meet me at that coffee shop near my place, say 3:30?”

Hanbin glances at his watch, it’s just past 2:45, plenty of time to get there.

“Yeah, sure. What’s going on? You sound excited.”

She’s silent for a moment and when she finally replies he can almost hear the smile in her voice.

“It’s a surprise, you have to wait to find out.”

Rolling his eyes, Hanbin laughs a little and says goodbye, hanging up and heading down the street to the bus stop. It’s a little chilly, cool air bites at his skin and he shivers, wishing he’d brought a warmer jacket. It’s almost spring, but winter hasn’t quite let go yet and the sun is still pale and cool. The air smells like rain and with one look at the clouds that hover dark and swollen in the distance Hanbin knows there’ll be a storm before the end of the day, he just hopes he’s inside when it happens. Pulling his jacket closer he smiles, if Jiwon’s not working tonight maybe they can order Chinese and watch the new marvel movie that just came out, Jiwon’s always been a er for superhero movies.

It’s only 3:10 when Hanbin gets to the coffee shop and he doesn’t see Hayi so he orders a latte for himself and a black drip for her, it’s what she always gets. Wandering over to a table by the window he sends her a text to let her know he’s here and settles in, scrolling idly through facebook. At 3:35 the little bell on the door rings and he looks up to see Hayi walking in. He calls out her name and waves her over and she collapses into the chair with a sigh, throwing her purse on the table. He raises an eyebrow, she’s a little flushed and there’s a few usually perfect hairs out of place.

“Not like you to be late.”

She doesn’t look at him, just reaching for the coffee in front of her.

“I’m really sorry, I just got caught up in something and then traffic was a .”

Her cheeks redden as she speaks, trying to hide behind her coffee cup, and Harbin smirks a little.

“Oh really, and did that something’s name happen to start with a C and end with an O perhaps?”

He watches as she chokes on her drink, face turning an even brighter shade of red. She sputters a little, wiping at with the back of her hand as he laughs.

“I don’t think that’s any of your business!”

She says, glaring at him.

“Oh come on Hayi, I think it is my business. How is it going with you two?”

She takes another sip of her drink, sighing and rolling her eyes, but he can see the way her face softens.

“I swear, it’s like dating a puppy. A very attractive puppy with a nice smile and a bizarre and sometimes worrying sense of humor, but a puppy.”

Her voice is sharp but there’s a smile that plays on her lips as she says it. Hanbin reaches across the table and puts a hand on top of hers,

“I’m happy for you. Really.”

For a moment she lets it rest there, and there’s silence between the two of them, but then the moment passes and she takes her hand back, shaking her head.

“Thanks, Harbin. But we didn’t meet up to talk about me!”

“Oh yeah, what’s the thing you couldn't tell me on the phone?”

Hayi pauses for a second, taking a deep breath,

“You got a job offer!”

He stares at her in surprise.

“What?”

She nods excitedly, hair bouncing up and down.

“Remember how somebody bought two of your paintings the day after you exhibition?”

Hanbin nods,

“Well, the same guy contacted me yesterday, his names Felix Holkman. Apparently he looked into you, the work you did at Columbia and at school. And I guess he’s old friends with on of your art teachers who recommended you. Anyways, he owns a pretty famous gallery in Berlin. He wants you to come do an exhibition there, and then stay on as the art director there! I guess he's getting old and wants to take a step back and spend less time working or something.”

Hanbin’s cup freezes halfway to his lips, somewhere outside there’s the sound of thunder and Hanbin tastes lighting on his tongue. Hayi’s staring at him with bright expectant eyes, a wide smile on her face. And Hanbin wants it, wants it badly. Who wouldn’t? Berlin is amazing, full of culture and passion and innovation, and Hanbin can already almost taste smoke and champagne on his lips, see the gallery filled with his paintings and he wants it. But then he remembers Jiwon, remembers how Jiwon's lips feel on his and how his eyes always crinkle at the edges when he smiles, remembers the promise he made him that sunny winter morning and his stomach sinks. Hayi’s still watching him so he forces himself to smile, sets down his cup on the saucer.

“Wow, I-I don’t know what to say. This is an amazing opportunity.”

Maybe sensing his hesitation Hayi barrels on,

“Look I know it’s a lot. You’d have to move right after you got back, to Germany, it’s a lot. But it’s such a great chance for you Hanbin. He’s already offered to pay rent on an apartment until you get your feet under you there, and you’d have complete creative control! I mean, this is huge! He wants you there at the end of June, you have to go Hanbin!”

Her words ring in the air like the sound of bells and Hanbin is frozen, And Hanbin knows she means well, but all of a sudden it’s too much. He wants to scream, wants to cry, wants to throw something just to hear it break. Her expectant face is still waiting, the gentle hum of people in the coffee shop is suddenly claustrophobic and the weight of the choice that sits on his shoulders is too much and he has to get away. He stands abruptly, knees colliding with the table as he gets up and rattling the cups. She stares, surprised, as he shrugs on his jacket and grabs his backpack.

“Hanbin? What’s go-“

He cuts her off, voice tight and hurried,

“I’m sorry, this is just- it’s a lot to think about, I have to go. I’ll call you tomorrow okay.”

And then he’s gone, striding towards the door of the shop. He hears her voice behind him, calling out his name with concern in her voice and pretends he doesn’t.

It’s pouring outside but Hanbin doesn’t bother to pull up the hood of his jacket. He feels numb inside, barely notices the rain that soaks his thin shirt through or seeps into his shoes, doesn’t notice the icy water dripping down his neck. He crosses the street without looking and a car screeches to a halt a foot from him, the driver rolls down their window and starts to shout at him but he can barely make out the words and just gives them a half hearted gesture in apology. He walks the three miles back to his apartment, still on autopilot and by the time he gets home he’s shivering so hard his teeth clack. He walks straight past the door to his apartment and up the stairs to Jiwon’s place without a second thought. He knocks on the door and Jiwon answers in a second, his eyes widen when he sees Hanbin,

“Holy , you’re soaking.”

And then when he sees the look in Hanbin’s eyes he asks more hesitantly,

“Is everything okay?”

And everything’s not okay. It’s not alright because he’s been given an impossible choice and either way it will destroy him but Jiwon’s here and he’s warm and Hanbin’s so cold right now.

“Just kiss me, please.”

And Jiwon does, hesitantly at first but then they sink into it. Jiwon wraps an arm around his neck and pulls him close, shutting the door behind him. Kisses him soft and long and gentle and holds him tight and still Hanbin shakes but for a different reason now.

Later they lay in bed in silence. Jiwon traces letters onto the bare skin of Hanbin’s back as he rests his head on Jiwon’s chest and listens to his heart beat heavy against his ribs.

“Want to talk about what was bothering you?”

Hanbin’s quiet for a long time.

“I got a job offer today. Somebody who saw my work with Hayi wants me to come do an exhibition in their gallery.”

Jiwon hand stills and he props himself up on his elbow.

“Holy , that’s great Hanbin!”

And then, when he sees that Hanbin’s not smiling he hesitates, eyebrows knitting together.

“Isn’t it?”

Hanbin’s shakes his head, looks away.

“Jiwon… He’s German. I’ll have to go to Germany.”

Jiwon’s smile falters, just for a second, but then it’s back before Hanbin's even sure it was gone.

“Well, that’s not a big deal. I mean, it’s a really great opportunity right?”

Hanbin nods.

“Okay then. You go, hang out in Germany for a little while, eat some sausages, impress some German’s with your talent. Maybe I can even come for a bit and we can fly back together. It can’t be more then a month or two right?”

Hanbin feels tears prick at the back of his eyes, and his throat tightens around the words he’s trying to say. After he swallows hard he manages to force them out, quiet and raspy with emotion.

“That’s the thing, Jiwon. He want’s me to stay on, and run his gallery for him. I-I don’t know when I’d be back. If I’d be back.”

Jiwon freezes then, realization dawning on his face like a drop of paint in water and Hanbin feels sick to his stomach to watch it. Jiwomn opens his mouth to say something but no words come out and he lets it close again, throat working. Before he can find his words though Hanbin speaks again,

“It’s okay. I’ve already decided I’m not taking the job. I’m telling Hayi tomorrow.”

Finally the blank look on Jiwon’s face breaks to be replaced with shock, he sits up opening his mouth again but Hanbin cuts him off, shaking his head.

“Look Jiwon, I already left you once. I won’t-I can’t do that again. This job, it isn’t worth it. Isn’t worth you. I left last time, but this time I’m going to stay. Going to stay with you.”

Jiwon’s eyes are flicking back and forth, searching for something like Hanbin’s face is a treasure map and he’s looking for the big red X. Hanbin lets him, just watching, and he sees the moment he finds whatever he’s looking for. Sees it in the way his shoulders settle and his mouth tightens and he doesn’t know what he found but he knows he’s afraid of whatever Jiwon’s about to say, knows he’s terrified. He pushes himself up, reaching out for Jiwon’s lips like if he can just stop the words then everything will be alright, they can both just pretend that everything's alright. He’s not fast enough though, he never is, and Jiwon catches his wrists in both hands and his eyes are so sad when he looks at Hanbin.

“You should go.”

And with three words the world changes. Hanbin feels all the air leave his lungs, feels like Jiwon hit him hard between the ribs.

“What”

He whispers, and the word escape his lips like on a pained little gasp. Breathy and soft and aching and it tears at his throat till he tastes blood. Jiwon doesn’t let go of his wrists, thumbs gentle on the inside of Hanbin’s palms.

“You should go Hanbin. Don’t throw this away.”

“But- I’d stay Jiwon. Don’t you understand I don’t mind staying, for you-”

It’s Jiwon’s turn to cut him off now.

“No. Hanbin I don’t want to be the one holding you back from your dream. Look at how that ended up for us last time. I’m not making the same mistake again, not again. This is your dream, go and get it.”

Hanbin stares at him, and he’s crying now, he can feel tears warm on his face and doesn’t bother to wipe them away.

“Don’t you love me? Don’t you want to be with me?”

The words catch at his throat as he says them. It’s not a fair question, and Hanbin knows it, but he asks it anyway because he’s tired of being fair, being fair never got him anything but broken hearts anyway. Jiwon tilts his head back, taking a shaking breath and letting it out. When he looks at Hanbin again his eyes are glassy.

“I do, Hanbin. I do love you. And that’s why I’m telling you to go. I want you to stay- god more then anything I want you. But I’m being selfish. Because you would stay and maybe you would be happy for a while but eventually you’d start to resent me, I wouldn't blame you for it either. And I don’t think I bear it if you resented me.”

His voice cracks on the last word. Breaking like bone, like glass, and he looks away to hide the tears that Hanbin knows are coming. Hanbin reaches out though, fingers firm on Jiwon’s chin and turns his face back towards him. Running a thumb along one sharp cheekbone he thinks that even now, with his swollen red eyes and runny nose Jiwon is still the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. He laughs, wet and heavy,

“Man, we really just have the worst timing don’t we.”

Jiwon laughs too, a little shakily, let his forehead rest against Hanbin’s.

“The worst. I think the world might have it out for us.”

They stay like that for a little bit, holding each others pieces together. Finally though he draws back, and says, a little haltingly,

“I could wait for you. If you wanted me too.”

And for a second, a selfish longing second, Hanbin wants to say yes. Because he’s knows that Jiwon would, if he asked him too right now. Knows he’d wait months and days and years for Hanbin, knows he’d wait a lifetime. But the second passes and he shakes his head,

“I can’t ask that of you.”

Because if there’s one thing he’s learned it’s that love is about being selfless, even when you really really want to be selfish. Even if being selfless means cutting a piece of yourself out and leaving it behind. Jiwon nods, and Hanbin can see from his eyes that he understands.

“Alright.”

He says softly,

“When do you have to leave?”

“End of June.”

Jiwon sits back, counting out the months on the tips of his fingers and Hanbin can’t help but smile, even if it hurts, at how much he looks like a kid.

“Alright, so we have three and a half months.”

Hanbin nods, and feels his stomach clench at how little time that seems like. But Jiwon just nods, and there’s half a smile on his lips.

“I guess we’re just going to have to make them the best three and a half months we can, then.”

Hanbin bites his lip hard, taking a deep breath and wiping away the tears that linger on his cheeks and tries to pretend that he’s brave.

“I guess we will.”

Laying down Jiwon reaches up and pulls Hanbin down with him, into the space between his shoulder and his arm and Hanbin lets him. They lay there, just feeling skin against skin and it hurts because Hanbin thought this feeling was going to be forever and now he’s realized it’s not. So they lay there and Hanbin tries to burn this moment into his memory like a brand. It’s still raining outside and the air smells like the beginnings of spring.

“I just… I want you to know that being with you again, even if it was just for a few months, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. This-you- you changed everything. And the pain of losing it is worth the fact that I got to have it.”

Hanbin turns his head up pulls Jiwon down to his lips and they kiss to the sound of rain and two hearts breaking.