It’s exactly one week before Hanbin leaves for Germany. He’s over at Jinhwan’s place, Jiwon is working late tonight and Yunhyeong was out with friends so Jinhwan invited Hanbin over for dinner. Hanbin had accepted happily, sitting alone in his apartment gave him too much time to think, too much time to stare at the empty walls of his apartment and imagine what could have been and he feels like he’s starting to go a little bit crazy.

It’s nice to be back, Hanbin thinks as Jinhwan opens the door to his apartment and pulls him inside with a smile. It’s been a few months now since he moved out of Jinhwan’s place-the cot in the living room is long gone-but as they sit in the small kitchen and eat it feels like only yesterday. There’s something comforting about being here again, something so achingly familiar and if Hanbin tries hard enough he can almost imagine they’re back where they started, Hanbin still fresh off the plane from New York and so innocently unaware of everything that’s going to happen to him- the good and the bad. Now though it’s different, because he didn’t just arrive, he’s getting ready to leave again and that thought tastes bitter in the back of his mouth.

They chat about nothing really during dinner, Hanbin lets Jinhwan gossip about his co-workers and smiles and laughs in all the right places and he means it, but in the back of his mind the fact that he’s leaving all this in seven days lingers no matter how hard he tries to banish it. If Jinhwan notices he’s not quite present he doesn’t show it, instead just gently prodding Hanbin to add to the conversation instead of sitting quietly.

After they finish dinner Hanbin sits curled up in his chair as Jinhwan moves around the kitchen putting things away. The whole time he can feel Jinhwan’s eyes on him even as he washes dishes and boxes up the left overs, but he pretends he doesn’t. Finally Jinhwan finishes cleaning up and drops down across from Hanbin again, still watching him carefully. When Hanbin doesn’t offer anything up he sighs, running a hand through his hair, and finally asks tentatively,

“Hanbin. Are…are you okay?”

Hanbin shrugs, avoiding his friend’s eyes.

“Do I look not okay?”

Jinhwan just rolls his eyes at that.

“Hanbin, come on, I’m not an idiot. You’re leaving for Berlin in a week, we both you’re not fine. I was trying to let you open up on your own, but you're obviously dead set on avoiding that.”

It’s Hanbin’s turn to sigh, finally meeting Jinhwan’s gaze. There’s nothing in his friends eyes but concern and warmth, like always, and Hanbin can’t help but feel a little guilty for always saddling Jinhwan with his emotional baggage, not sure if he deserves the kindness he always gets from his friend. He knows he’s right of course, Hanbin isn’t even close to fine, but talking about why he’s not fine makes it seem so much more real and unavoidable. The glaring fact that he’s leaving Jiwon, and what that means for both of them laid out on the table raw and bloody and intimate. Jinhwan just waits though, not pushing him to speak just ready to listen when he does. Hanbin bites his lip, struggling find a way to put what he’s feeling into words. Finally he haltingly starts,

“It’s like… When you’re really cold it’s all you can think about, but as soon as you get warm again you forget. You know what it’s like to be cold, you’ve felt it before but suddenly it doesn’t feel real, doesn’t feel tangible anymore. It’s just a memory. That’s what it feels like with Jiwon. I’ve been without him before and been fine, I know that, but now that I’m with him I can’t imagine myself without him, I don’t know how it’ll feel.”

He takes a deep shaking breath, looking up at Jinhwan through his bangs as he feels a frantic desperation build in his chest like bubbles in a bottle of champagne.

“I just… I don’t know if I can remember how to live without him Jinhwan. And I’m scared.”

Jinhwan looks back and his eyes are sad, but he smiles, reaching out across the table to put a gentle hand over Hanbin’s shaking ones.

“Oh Hanbin, the world really hasn’t been fair to you two.”

Hanbin lets out a wet laugh, and it’s a little bitter but he thinks that’s justified all things considered.

“You could say that again. If there is such a thing as fate I must have done something in a past life to really piss it off.”

Jinhwan snorts at that.

“Well, if anybody could piss off fate it would be you two.”

He sighs again, leaning back in his chair.

“Listen Hanbin, people are messy, and feelings are messy, and we all leave ragged edges behind us wherever we go. It’s just the nature of things. I wish I had something that I could say that could make it better or help you along but I don’t, not really. I’m not going to tell you it’s not going to hurt, because it is, it’s going to be painful and messy and human and it’ll . And yeah you’re probably going to feel like the world is ending at first, like you’ve left your heart behind. You’ll just have to keep going, even though it hurts. And it’ll hurt and hurt and hurt and then day you’re going to wake up and realize it doesn’t anymore. You’re going to realize you were living the whole time, and didn’t even notice it. That’s the beauty of it, life happens, whether you want it to or not. Sometimes, you just have to let it.”

Hanbin’s voice is small when he replies,

“Will I stop missing him?”

Jinhwan smiles, and there’s no pity in it, only sympathy, and shakes his head.

“You won’t stop missing him, but one day missing him isn’t going to be the first thing you think about in the morning, or the last thing. Somewhere along the way he’ll become a memory, a treasured one, but a memory.”

Hanbin feels something wet trickle down his nose, and when he his lips he tastes salt. Confused he puts a hand to his cheek, and his fingers come away damp with tears. He stares at them blankly, surprised and betrayed. He feels something shoved into his hand and looks up to see Jinhwan handing him a tissue,

“Are you alright?”

He asks, eyes wide and concerned. Hanbin just holds the tissue like he’s forgotten what he’s supposed to do with it, just staring at his friend.

“I just- I didn’t think I had any tears left to cry about this.”

Hanbin says, voice cracking. Jinhwan doesn’t say anything, just takes Hanbin into his arms and lets Hanbin sob into his shoulder.

Jiwon’s already in bed asleep by the time Hanbin gets home from Jinhwan’s. Technically the lease on Hanbin’s place isn’t up for another two weeks but with all Hanbin’s stuff packed or moved into storage he’s basically been living with Jiwon, not that either of them really mind. The table lamp in their bedroom is still on and Jiwon’s notebook is lying abandoned on his chest, a pencil still clasped in his hand. Hanbin smiles at the sight, feeling a soft wave of affection bloom in his chest. Picking the notebook up he sets it aside before gently extricating the pencil from Jiwon’s grasp. He moves around the room, quietly changing into a pair of Jiwon’s sweats and getting ready for bed. After brushing his teeth he switches off the light and climbs under the covers, careful not to wake Jiwon. He doesn’t close his eyes though, instead he lays on his side, head propped up on his elbow, and just watches Jiwon sleep. The moon is almost full and pale light filters in through the high set window, painting Jiwon’s skin silver. He looks so peaceful, lips slightly open and chest gently rising and falling with each soft breath. Hanbin reaches out and brushes soft bangs away from Jiwon’s forehead, letting his fingers trace the line of Jiwon’s brow, past his temple, down along his cheek bone. Jiwon stirs under his touch, eyes drifting open as his head turns towards Hanbin.

“You’re back.”

He says, voice drowsy, but a smile blooms on his lips. Hanbin smiles back, drinking in the sight of half awake Jiwon. Jiwon stares back, eyes half closed.

“What are you thinking about?”

He asks, words slurred with sleep. Hanbin shakes his head, thumb moving in gentle circles along the side of Jiwon’s face.

“Nothing,”

Hanbin murmurs,

“Go back to sleep.”

Jiwon gives a little nod, and with a light sigh his eyes slip closed again. He rolls towards Hanbin, slipping his arms around Hanbin’s waist and pulling him close and Hanbin lets him, fitting himself into the curve of Jiwon’s body. He doesn’t go to sleep for a while though, just closes his eyes and listens to Jiwon’s breath whisper in his ear, feels Jiwon’s arms warm and heavy around him. Jinwhan’s words from earlier in the night echo in his ears, somewhere along the way he’ll become a memory. He wants to believe him, to be able to let go and look back on moments like these as nothing but a bittersweet memory, but there’s another part of him that wants to cling to Jiwon with both arms and never let go and he isn’t sure which part of him is stronger yet. Doesn’t know which part he wants to win.

The next morning Hanbin sits curled up on the couch watching cartoons as Jiwon makes breakfast in kitchen. He can hear the clatter of cupboards and dishes as he moves around the cramped space, and Hanbin grins as he hears a particularly loud crash followed by a yelp and low curse. He thinks about getting up to go help him, but the couch is comfy and the sun is warm on the back of his neck so he decides to let Jiwon handle it on his own.

As he waits Hanbin thinks about all the firsts he’s had with Jiwon, the first time their eyes locked on campus, their first smile, first kiss. And there are times when he wishes he could turn back the clock, just so he could experience those firsts all over again, feel the way his heart had pounded in his chest like it wanted to take flight and his hands had trembled with fear and hope and anticipation. But then Jiwon walks out of the kitchen carrying a plate of pancakes in each hand and presses a gentle kiss to his lips, collapsing onto the couch beside him, and Hanbin remembers that the 500th time still feels like the first.

Jiwon has the day off and the weather’s beautiful so they decide to spend it outside. They buy kimbap and iced tea at the convenience store on the corner and take the bus down to the Han. Finding an unpopulated spot on the grass by the riverbank they spread out a blanket and kick off their shoes, settling in. They eat their lunch, Hanbin laughing so hard his sides ache when Jiwon stuffs a roll in each of his cheeks, looking like a manic chipmunk and grinning wildly at him with rice spilling out of his mouth. Hanbin brought a deck of cards and they play for a while till a gust of wind nearly blows them all away and they have to call it quits. Finally they just lay back, side by side, eyes closed as the worlds moves around them. The sun is warm against Hanbin’s skin, he can feel grass tickling the ends of his toes. He thinks that if the world froze and they lived the rest of their lives in this moment he’d be happy.

Jiwon’s humming something beside him, something soft and sweet that tastes like memory on the back of Hanbin’s tongue. The breeze carries his voice past Hanbin, up and away and Hanbin can imagine it dancing along with the wispy clouds that drift aimlessly across the unflinchingly blue sky, soaring like a paper plane. He smiles, lips curving up at the corners. Jiwon nudges him, and he opens his eyes but doesn’t turn his head, squinting against the sun.

“What’re you smiling about?”

Jiwon asks. Hanbin just shrugs,

“It’s a secret.”

When Jiwon replies Hanbin can almost hear the pout in his voice and he can’t help but smile a little wider.

“There shouldn’t be any secrets between us right?”

Hanbin just watches the clouds skim by and says nothing. At his refusal to talk Jiwon starts to sit up, crossing his legs and looking for all the world like a toddler throwing a tantrum. Hanbin can’t help but laugh and reaching up grabs a fist of Jiwon’s t-shirt, yanking him back down. Jiwon lets him, only flailing a little on the way down.

“ Come on, don’t be such a baby!”

It’s Jiwon’s turn to stare at the sky, arms folded across his chest and chin set obstinately. Hanbin rolls his eyes,

“Are you seriously going to lie there and mope?”

Jiwon studiously doesn’t look his way, eyes glued to the sky.

“I’m not moping.”

Hanbin props himself up on one elbow, giving Jiwon a look.

“Oh really? ‘Cause it sure looks like you’re moping from where I’m sitting.”

Jiwon stubbornly ignores him, and Hanbin smirks, an idea blooming in his head. Slowly he reaches over with one hand, careful to keep it out of Jiwon’s line of sight and pinches lightly at Jiwon’s side where he knows he’s especially ticklish. Jiwon flinches away, bending away from Hanbin’s fingers. Finally turning his head from the sky he glares at Hanbin with betrayal in his eyes.

“You wouldn’t!”

He whispers theatrically. Hanbin just raises an eyebrow,

“Oh I think we both know I would.”

And then he attacks Jiwon with both hands this time as Jiwon shrieks and writhes away. Hanbin doesn’t let up until he hears a loud, disapproving cough and freezes, looking over in the direction it came from. There’s a mother standing a few feet away, holding hands with a little girl who can’t be more then five or six looking at them with wide eyes. Hanbin suddenly realizes that somewhere in the middle of their tickle fight he’d straddled Jiwon, one hand pinning his wrists against the blanket and that it’s broad daylight and they’re in the middle of a very busy very public park. Hanbin feels his face warm as he slowly slides off Jiwon, silently mouthing an apology at the woman as she leads her daughter away huffily.

Hanbin slides down onto the blanket beside Jiwon burying his face in his hands as Jiwon laughs.

“You should have seen your face Hanbin, I thought you were going to have a heart attack!”

Hanbin shakes his head, weakly slapping Jiwon’s arm.

“It’s not funny,”

He moans,

“I think we just defiled a child’s innocence Jiwon!”

Jiwon just laughs louder at that, clutching at his stomach and wheezing and eventually Hanbin has no choice to but to join in and so they laugh and laugh and the sun is shining on their faces and for the first time that week Hanbin manages to forget what he’s losing.

They lie there on the blanket by the river till the sun sinks away behind the skyscrapers and the sky fades from blue to orange-pink to purple. It’s only when stars start to twinkle brightly above them like rhinestones spilled onto velvet do they start to head home. It’s only a mile or two to the apartment so they decide not to take the bus, it’s not that cold and neither of them want the night to end. They walk side by side, hands swinging gently and arms almost brushing skin against skin but not quite touching.

And sometimes the moments they don’t touch turn Hanbin on more then when they do. When they hover close enough to feel the heat of each other’s skin, to feel breath hot on their necks. The feeling makes the hair on the back of Hanbin’s neck stand on the end, the way they strain together but never quite make it, just the lightest brush of skin on skin, lips against cheeks. It makes Hanbin crazy, but in the best way. And when they finally do touch Hanbin feels it like lightening in every place their bodies come together.

As soon as they get inside Jiwon’s apartment, before the door even swings all the way closed, Hanbin has his lips pressed against Jiwon’s, hands scrabbling at the hem of his shirt as Jiwon hands cup his jaw. They stumble blindly through the dark apartment, bumping against chairs and bruising shins on coffee tables until Hanbin feels the edge of the couch hit the back of his knees and then he falls, pulling Jiwon down with him as they collapse in a tangle of arms and legs and need.

They kiss for what feels like hours, till Hanbin’s lips feel numb. Jiwon weight is heavy on top of him, pinning him to the couch and crushing the air from his lungs but Hanbin doesn’t mind. He wants to feel Jiwon’s body pressed against his, feel every single place they touch. Jiwon pulls away for a second, breath ragged in his throat and face hidden by shadow.

“Do you want to know why I was smiling?”

Hanbin breathes, words rasping in his throat. Jiwon nods silently.

“I was smiling because I was thinking about the first time we met, and how I didn’t believe in love at first sight until I saw you.”

Hanbin can’t see Jiwon’s expression in the darkness, but he leans down to kiss him again and Hanbin feels his answer in the way he presses his lips to Hanbin’s forehead, and then the tip of his nose, and then, soft and sweet and gentle, to his lips, and it says, I have always loved you too, and in that moment it’s enough.

A.N.

The song Jiwon was humming is Who do you love by The Black Skirts. It's really beautiful and nostalgic, a great listen if you have the time!