“We should call somebody.” Seunghyun suggested, crinkling his nose. 

“You mean the guys?” Jiyong asked, unconvinced that they would be any better equipped to resolve the situation but attracted to the idea of not having to deal with it directly himself. 

“No, someone that's qualified to handle the situation.” Seunghyun clarified, urgency coloring his voice, understandably so since the smell was steadily getting worse, the toxic fumes slithering sneakily into every crevice and corner. 

“Qualified? Like a professional?” he raised his eyebrows, confused. What kind of professional did you call for situations like this. A fumigator? A special cleaning crew? A hazmat team? Ah, what he wouldn't give right now for a proper hazmat suit with its own oxygen supply. Their oxygen was starting to taste funny. 

“No, like.. someone with baby-making abilities.” Seunghyun said frustrated, signaling with his hands that this someone had at least a D-cup. 

“You're kidding right?” he chuckled dryly with indignation, not believing his best friend was really that much of a chauvinist pig. “I hope you are aware that you yourself have baby-making abilities. If not, you miiight be in a bucket load of trouble, dude. You might need to call some of your conquests to make sure there isn't a little mini-Seunghyun running around somewhere, being an to girls.” he retorted a little too pointedly. 

He knew Seunghyun had quite ridiculous ideas about the communication between men and women, thinking it should be all coy and gender-colored, but he had had no idea it went this far. Okay, they did live in a country that was still pretty rigid when it came to gender roles, but he had thought they were more modern than that, being well-traveled world class stars and all that. He had always thought it was just because Seunghyun was gay and thus a bit intimidated when it came to wooing women. 

Or, he thought he was gay. He wasn't absolutely sure. Seunghyun had never opened up about it to him and had always been extremely private when it came to that part of his life, which stung a bit since they were supposed to be best friends and best friends trusted each other with stuff like that. He had it on good authority that Seunghyun had at least entertained guys with colorful characters numerous times at his place. Now, what exactly went on during those visits was unsubstantiated, but he was pretty sure the entertainment wouldn't be suited for audiences under the legal age limit. 

“Oh come on, when have I ever been an to girls? I'm always the perfect gentleman! I'm just saying that girls know how to operate babies while we don't have a clue. It's just like with cars, except the opposite. Guys are interested in cars so they know how they work, so when your car breaks down, having a car guy around can be helpful.” Seunghyun explained, shrugging his shoulders to protest what he clearly thought was an unwarranted attack on his integrity. 

“Seriously..” Jiyong started, not knowing where to even begin. 

“Okay, Mr. Modern Man, show me what you've got then. If everyone is just as qualified to change a diaper, why don't you do it?” Seunghyun teased, egging him on. 

“Maybe I will!” he retorted in the heat of the moment, regretting it the second the words left his lips. Damn. Oh well, changing a diaper couldn't be that hard, it wasn't rocket science. 

Slowly, he edged closer to that little bundle of mayhem on the couch. She was watching him every step of the way, twinkling curiosity in her eyes. He heard Seunghyun sniggering behind him. Where was the hazmat suit when he needed it, the smell got stronger the closer he got. When he reached her he tried to breath as little as possible. Okay. The logical first step, what was it? To get to the diaper, he had to take her clothes off, that was pretty obvious. How she would react to a strange man stripping her was less obvious. 

“Hey there, little one, hello.” he sang in soft tones, trying to get her to trust him. He sat next to her, eyeing her shirt. Those tiny arms posed a problem, if she didn't cooperate it was going to be tricky. Then he got an idea. “Wanna play a game, yeees, it's fun to play a game.” he used a playfully mesmerizing voice, he was going to need to convince her. She looked like a skeptic so he was going to have to bring his A game. 

“Ho!” he took a sharp sudden breath with theatrical surprise. “How tall are you? How tall is our Soonie-boo?” he dramatically asked her. She just stared at him. “This tall!” he shouted as he shot his hands up in the air, laughing non-threateningly to try and make it look fun. Putting his hands down, he prepared to repeat it. He figured he would have to do it several times before she caught on. 

“Ho! How tall are you? How tall is Soonie-boonie?” he chanted for the second time, but before he had the chance to raise his hands again, she did, all the way up into the air. “Haha! Yeah!!! This tall!” he laughed incredulously. Wow. How smart was she?! He knew she was more clever than she let on, those curious eyes cataloging everything that happened around her. He could feel his face turn into one big smile, his chest inflating with pride. “No way!” Seunghyun exclaimed, coming closer. “Do it again!” he told him, bursting with excitement, both of them forgetting all about the point of this little exercise.

“Distal!” she screeched as she raised her arms up in the air for what felt like the thousandth time, after the first five or so the fun had gone out of it for them, but she didn't read the atmosphere, not appearing to register their diminishing enthusiasm at all, instead she took it as a sign of encouragement, getting more and more energetic with every time. It was exhausting. The last few times Jiyong had tried to get in there to grab the sleeves of her shirt, but she was too fast. Her little pudgy arms going up and down, up and down, not pausing long enough for him to catch hold of them. 

This wasn't going anywhere, so he decided to risk it and got more aggressive, seizing her hands to make them be still for just one moment. She looked at him angrily, looking like she was ready to blow at any second. Not wasting any time, he started to pull off her sweater by the sleeves, unleashing the mother of all smells. He peeked at the gap he was creating between her trouser's waistline and the bottom of the sweater. He froze. 

“Poop! Poop ON the sweater!!” he exclaimed in disgust. This was too much. It was all up her back. He frowned. Since when was poop supposed to be in semi-liquid form. How did people decide to do this willingly, even paying hundreds of thousands of dollars on fertility treatments when nature failed to deliver? That was one high priced liquid excrement. The most expensive hobby of all mankind, and this was the prize? Nature was truly the best con artist of all time, pulling off this clever scam for thousands and thousands of years and still nobody had caught on. Well, now he had. He had always just kind of assumed he would have kids in the future, far far in the future, since that was what people did. He had never really given it any real thought though. Now he was starting to doubt this was the life for him.

“! The couch! Don't get it on the couch, it's insanely expensive to have it cleaned and.. and it's my favorite, my safe haven after a hard days work and..” Seunghyun started listing up all the reasons why it would not be a good idea to smear poop on his precious sofa, his voice littered with urgent panic. Like there was anyone who liked having their couch soiled. 

“Alright, alright, don't have a heart attack Mr. Sofa-aficionado!” he interrupted him when it became apparent that Seunghyun could go on for what he feared would be forever. When it came to work functions he couldn't string two unprepared words together to save his life, everything had to be pre-rehearsed, but when it came to a sofa emergency he was the master of the several hour long impromptu speech about fabric. It was always when Jiyong was sure that he finally knew him well enough to predict his every move that a random surprise like this unraveled just how far from it he was. Seunghyun was so weird. Which actually was part of the reason they worked. Jiyong never got bored since there was always something new with him. Frustrated, yes. Bored, never.

“The bathroom!” Seunghyun strongly suggested. Since it was their best bet, Jiyong grabbed Soonie by her armpits and ran towards the nearest bathroom. “Ah, not the fancy one..” Seunghyun complained as he caught up with them. “Too late.” Jiyong shrugged unsympathetically, looking around for a good solution for their messy little time bomb. 

“Hang on..” Seunghyun said like his mind was a thousand light years away, disappearing through the door. Jiyong gave Soonie a 'what could he possibly be up to' look as she hung awkwardly in the air. His arms were starting to get sore, but there was no way he was going to hold her closer. Not right now.

After a ridiculously long wait Seunghyun returned as a character from a very low budget deadly virus movie. Or more like no budget. He had fashioned his own home-made version of a hazmat suit. He was wearing what seemed to be a plastic rain poncho with a belt made out of tape. He had on yellow dishwashing gloves and huge black rain boots. A way too tight swimming cap coated his head, pulling on the skin of his forehead, involuntarily raising his eyebrows, making it look like he was so surprised his eyes were about to pop out of their sockets. He really had that just laying around his house? His nose and mouth were covered with a simple disposable face mask, clear plastic goggles protecting his fierce eyes. He clearly meant business. He came in waving a big pair of scissors around, triumph shining through his wild stare. 

He kneeled on the floor before Jiyong, conjuring up a roll of aluminum foil, wall papering the floor with it, making it look like they were preparing for an alien invasion. Plain crazy, that was what it really looked like. Jiyong swallowed a string of chuckles, this was too ridiculous not to be funny. Hilarious even. He wished he didn't have both hands occupied so he could reach for his phone to document this madness. He would never be able to do this story justice for the guys unless he got some visual aids. 

“Okay, ready. You can put her down now.” Seunghyun instructed slightly out of breath. Jiyong got a pang of guilt as he laid Soonie down on her back on the aluminum foiled floor. What were they doing to that poor kid? He hoped she wouldn't remember any of this when she got older, he didn't want to be responsible for some major childhood trauma. The aluminum foil crinkled with an ominous crackle sound that sent shivers down his spine. Once Soonie was down on her back, she realized she had the power to produce that sound just by moving, so she wriggled energetically around, screeching happily over the lightning storm sound effect she was creating. They exchanged looks, both frowning over the squishy sound her back was making in the process, the frowns surrendering to incredulous smiles and hopeless laughter. 

While Jiyong steadied Soonie, who protested vigorously over having her artistic sound effect abilities stunted by the local authority, Seunghyun picked up the scissors. He looked like a mad scientist preparing for an experimental operation that shouldn't be allowed to happen. Jiyong was about to ask him what his plan was exactly when he started to cut through the front of Soonie's sweater, careful to run no risk of hurting her. 

“Ah.” Jiyong exclaimed as he realized what he was doing. Wow, that was actually incredibly clever. Cutting the clothes off her from the front meant they wouldn't have to touch the other side, the dark side. Brilliant! A feeling of proud admiration knocked on Jiyong's heart. Seunghyun was so much more than just a pretty face. Sometimes his surprises were amazingly good surprises. Other times less so.

“Aaand done! Safe to pick her up.” Seunghyun announced when he had finished cutting the only clothes she had into shreds. Jiyong had realized that fact a little too late, so now she had no clothes, and no diaper either it turned out. A problem for later, a fast approaching later. They were so not winning the parents of the year award. He put on the plastic gloves Seunghyun had provided and lifted her up, the smelly shreds that once were her clothes being left behind. He moved her over the bathtub and Seunghyun used the aluminum foil to carefully wrap the dirty rags into a neat package, heading straight for the trash. 

Still wearing the get-up, Seunghyun the water, making sure it wasn't too hot nor cold before pointing the shower head at Soonie. He washed her down like she was going through a thorough decontamination procedure. She didn't seem to mind though, occupying herself by blowing spit bubbles. She was always calmer when Seunghyun was near. Not the best judge of character that one. Jiyong made a mental note to work on that.

Almost two hours later they had turned her into a squeaky clean towel princess, so bundled up that she couldn't budge. “Ha ha!” Seunghyun laughed in triumph, holding his hand up. Jiyong didn't leave him hanging, giving him a satisfied high five and a quick wink to boot. They were still a hell of a team the two of them, that was how it had always been and how Jiyong hoped it would always be. Seunghyun was the yin to his yang, while Jiyong made sure Seunghyun kept at least one foot on the ground, Seunghyun got him to lighten up a bit, even at work which was no small feat. Maybe this whole parents for two months was going to work after all. If they pulled together there was nothing that could stop them, not even a cute little towel monster.

“I'm off then.” Seunghyun jiggled his keys to signal that he was going. “Wait? What? Na-a! I'm going, you can stay here!” Jiyong instantly objected. “My car, my rules. Chao!” he grinned as he disappeared out the door, leaving Jiyong all alone with the towel dweller. He prayed Seunghyun would hurry up, he had no idea what to do in the meantime. He looked down at Soonie, only her nose was clearly visible, the rest was hidden inside her custom made towel-igloo. Cuddling up to him, she had fallen fast asleep. Thank heavens for small favors, he thought, as he sat there, staring into space, anxiously waiting.

“Honey, I'm hooome!” Seunghyun yelled before Jiyong could shush him, startling the sound asleep Soonie, who woke up and immediately started sobbing. “Thanks, man. Thanks a lot. That was just what we needed. Did you at least get the diapers? And what took you so long?” he sighed, trying to soothe Soonie by rocking her back and forth. “Boy, did I!” Seunghyun smiled wide as he showed him at least 4 bags full to the brim of packages of all sizes and shapes. He gave him a 'what the hell?' look. 

“There were so many different kinds, you seriously wouldn't believe.. like, why do they need so many kinds? I mean, it's a diaper not a car, it's not like they come with different kinds of engines or accessories, they pretty much just have to be able to stick on through a storm, that's the entire list of requirements.” Seunghyun complained as he dumped all the bags onto the couch. 

Jiyong started sifting through the loot, only to stop at the sight of the topmost item. He wasn't going to, but he couldn't contain it, the laughter burst out with tears and all. He held up the box, “Uhm.. heh..” he wiped the tears from his cheeks, trying to get the laughter under control long enough to make fun of Seunghyun. “Yeah, I think these are grown up diapers, for you know.. old people and invalids.” he sniggered uncontrollably the whole time, making it hard to speak clearly. Seunghyun raised his eyebrows in surprise and disbelief. “The fact that Soonie could probably use them as a tent should have been the first hint.” he roared with laughter, throwing the box at Seunghyun.

“And these ones..” he sniggered, “..these ones are for girls, you know... during their special lady time.” he gave him a meaningful wink to underline his point. “What? ..but it's so big?” Seunghyun was not buying that theory, looking at him with a scrutinizing stare as if he was trying to pull the truth out of him. “I'm pretty sure if it has wings, it's for girls, not babies.” Jiyong concluded with a loud snort, throwing those at Seunghyun as well. 

“Ya! Like you could've done any better!” Seunghyun objected, feeling wronged, throwing one of the soft packets back at him, hitting him right on the nose. “Well, I would have started by not buying all of these...” he continued with an air of superiority, knowing it would irk Seunghyun to the core. He giggled to himself as he imagined just how much he was getting under his skin. For some reason, Seunghyun unleashed the teasing devil in him, he just couldn't stop himself. 

“So are we going to put this diaper on or are you just going to text your girlfriend all night.” Seunghyun jokingly spat at him. “I'm googling instructions.” Jiyong answered calmly, determined not to play into Seunghyun's taunts. Seunghyun let out a great big Santa laugh, “You're what? Isn't it just like.. tape it on somehow and if it doesn't fall off, it's all good?”. “I'm not going to make her wear some experimental diaper!” Jiyong argued, putting his foot down. This was going to be done properly. 

Even with instructions it proved trickier than expected, but with some extra tape, a lot of extra tape actually, it eventually stayed in place. Although now she was 80% diaper and moving around was a bigger challenge than before. That could turn out to be to their advantage though, a prison diaper, preventing her from escaping house arrest. Not a bad night's work.