~*~

Chapter VI

With all the love I didn’t get to give you...

5월 19일

Dongwoo raced down the halls of the hospital.  It was so scary when Hoya called Dongwoo earlier, the voice mail was scary, Hoya was nearly incoherent as he begged Dongwoo to pick up. 

“Hy-hy-hyung… hyu-hyung… Do… Dong-wo-woo-hyung… please pick up,  come to the hospital, hyung…”

Sunggyu was in the other corner of the practice room when Dongwoo listened to the voicemail, nearly fuming because Hoya and Sungjong were late for practice, but the anger flew out the window as Dongwoo’s face paled and his smile turned into a expression of panic. 

Dongwoo and Sunggyu skidded around the corner and found Sungjong and Hoya sitting across from Myungsoo’s room.

“Sungjong-ah!” Sunggyu called.  “Hoya-yah!”

Sungjong and Hoya looked up at the sound of their names and Sungjong stood up shakily.  “Hyung!”

Sunggyu raced towards Sungjong and Sungjong threw his arms around Sunggyu’s neck as he cried, but Dongwoo didn’t pay attention to him, all his attention on Hoya.  Dongwoo hurried next to Hoya, grabbing at his hands and trying to check him over at the same time.  “Hoya, are you okay?  Are you okay?  Feeling okay?  It’s okay if you want to cry.”

Hoya looked up at him with lost eyes.  “Hyung…” he mumbled, tears falling down his cheeks.  “Hy-hy-hyu-ung, he was… My-myun-ngsoo…”

Dongwoo shushed him in a hug and rubbing and patting his back. “It’s okay… it’s okay…” he whispered. “Don’t worry.  Everything’s going to be okay.”

A lot of the time, everyone would think that Hoya was the one that didn’t cry, but as Dongwoo held Hoya, he cried and cried, tears running down his cheeks.  Hoya was squeezing Dongwoo thighs painfully, but Dongwoo didn’t say anything. 

Because he wanted to cry too. 

~*~

Myungsoo barely could think through the pain.

The pain had just suddenly started and it was more blinding than it was before.  Many of the times when he had felt the pain before, it built up slowly and burned rather than how it was stabbing at his chest now.  The pain raged through his body with each breath, with each heartbeat.  

"Myungsoo, tell me, on a scale of one to ten, how bad is the pain?" 

Myungsoo shook his head, unable to even understand the question that Hyeji asked him through the agonizing pain.  He wanted to kick out against the pain and scream at it to go away.  Anything to make the pain go away. 

“It’s okay, Myungsoo, the doctors are going to make it go away.”

Okay, so maybe the last one he was doing out loud, but he didn’t think that even the doctors would be able to make the pain go away.

He heard some calming voices around him and a soft hand on his arm, holding it down.  Something pricked at his skin and a coldness swept through his veins, washing over the pain and drowning him in numbness.

He nearly whimpered as he thought the pain would stop now, but the pain was still haunting the edges of his vision, threatening to drown him again if the coldness in his body faded away.

Myungsoo cried out once more, trying to get the pain to go away.  He hated to ask for relief this badly and he knew from the times that it hadn’t been this bad, his family and the other members of Infinite also hated how he was in pain.  He never wanted to say that he was in pain, knowing that it wouldn’t just hurt himself, but his mom, dad, brother and the others too.

This time, there was only one thought running through his mind, not caring about his pride, his thoughts for his family were out the window as he begged for relief from the pain, he only wanted the pain to stop.

Please… stop… please stop…

The pain clawed at him and he cried out helplessly as the hands gripped at his throat, blocking his airway, making it nearly impossible for him to breathe.

And as abruptly as it had started, the pain retreated and let his tried body fall down on the ground.

He lay there silently, crying as the pain was gone, but he knew that it was only a matter of time that the pain would take him for good.  Myungsoo closed his eyes again, resting his head on the ground.  Maybe it was for the best if he left now, he would be in no more pain and the pain he would cause his family would fade away faster.

Slowly, he rolled onto his back and looked up at the sky far above him.

“I’m ready to go,” he whispered.  “Just let my family be happy while I’m gone.”

The breeze whispered around him and the stars seemed to move around in the sky, slowly decending to fly around him as voices echoed in his head.

“I was so happy.  It gave me so much hope to see you standing there.”

“Fly where ever you want to go, Myungsoo.  Know that when you get back home, the door will be opened and we’ll be here waiting for you.”

“I wished for you to be infinite, so that you can stay here forever.”

“You have us.  Don’t be scared.”

“This is place where there is everything you want.  That’s why you’re staying here.”

“I’m not going to leave you.  I’m going to be right here…”

I stood up on a hill,

Stared up at the blue sky,

And drew a lovely person from my heart... 

The words kept on echoing in his head, wrapping him in a soft blanket and guiding him down...

Into the light…

~*~

5월 27일

There were so many new machines around Myungsoo, each monitoring something different, each of them doing something to keep Myungsoo alive a bit longer.  Many wires s around his arms and chest, some disappearing under his skin, all of them connecting to a monitor or drip bag.  Myungsoo lowered the oxygen mask that covered his lower face as they gathered around his bed, so that his voice would be a bit louder.  Sungyeol approached Myungsoo’s bed with the other behind him as Myungsoo’s eyes fluttered open and he smiled weakly.  

“Hi…”  His voice was barely audible above the beeps and hisses of the machines around him.  

“Hey, how are you feeling?” Sunggyu asked as they all crowded around the bed.

He shurgged slightly.  It was hard for Myungsoo to answer that question, each of them knew that he wasn’t okay and he didn’t feel anything through the many painkillers and drugs being pumped into his body, numbing everything.

“No pain?”  Sungyeol asked, sitting on the edge of Myugsoo’s bed carefully, not sure if sitting down on the edge of his bed would cause him more pain.

Myungsoo shook his head, but coughed.  A few days ago, Myungsoo’s body started to break down, all of them saw how much pain he was in as he whimpered for help in his delirious state.  The doctors had kicked them out of the room and they could only watch helplessly from the hallway as Myungsoo cried and twisted on the bed.  They all felt relieved when Myungsoo finally stopped begging them to stop the pain and lay limply on the bed, paler and weaker then he had been a few hours ago.  Dr. Song had warned them that now Myungsoo was in the final stages, he only had a bit of time left with them and most of the time he would have to be resting. 

After the doctors told Myungsoo’s family that, a lot of Myungsoo’s friends and family had come in the say goodbye, just in case, but they all knew that it was the last time.  Myungsoo’s mother had suggested for the other members of Infinite to say goodbye to her son, but none of them answered, refusing to give up on a part of them. 

Myungsoo seemed to notice the change in the change in their moods.  “Umma told me to say goodbye to me, didn’t she?”

“Do we make it that obvious?” Sunggyu asked, reaching out to hold Myugsoo’s hand. 

He nodded, a small smile on his lips.  “It’s super obvious.” 

“But…”

“Guys, we shouldn’t make this too painful.”

“We aren’t going to say goodbye to you yet,” Woohyun said stubbornly.  “We’re going to be right here beside you until the very end.”

For a moment, Myungsoo didn’t say anything while Woohyun’s words sunk in and a tear fell down his cheek.  “I’m… I’m so lucky to have you…”

“And we’re lucky to have you,” Sungyeol said, a tear falling, matching the one falling down Myungsoo’s cheek.

“I’m so sorry…” Myungsoo whispered, tears continuing to fall, his voice broke from all the emotions running in his voice and from the exhaustion from talking for so long.  “I wish that I wasn’t leaving you, I’m so sorry.”

“Myungsoo, there’s still a chance,” Hoya argued, not wanting Myungsoo to be speaking in such negitive terms. 

He shook his head.  “There’s…”  He broke off coughing, his whole body into the cough, making it seem like his body was going to break with the next cough.  None of them said anything as they knew what Myungsoo had meant to say next.

“There’s no chance for me to survive this.”

Sunggyu quickly reached over and pulled the oxygen mask over his nose and mouth again.  Myungsoo gapsed in the fresh oxygen as his coughing fit died down.  They could hear the rasping of each breath coming up and down his throat and .

As the coughing and gasping finally stopped, he shakily pointed towards the side table beside the bed.

“Do you want water?”  Dongwoo asked, jumping up, ready to help Myungsoo with anything.

Myungsoo shook his head and whispered something, his voice muffled by the oxygen mask and the soreness in his throat.

“Dr… draw…er…” he rasped.  “Ins…ide…”

Woohyun, closest to the drawers, reached in and pulled out six envelopes, one for each of them.

“What’s this Myungsoo?” Sungyeol asked, peering over Woohyun’s shoulder.  Realization dawned on him as he looked at his name on his letter.  “Wait… Myungsoo…”

Myungsoo closed his eyes, cutting off whatever Sungyeol was about to say, a tear tracking down his pale face.  “I’m sorry.”

~*~

The rice looked the same.

Even if it was cooled or hot, it looked the same.

Woohyun looked around the table.  All of them were sitting around their kitchen table, waiting for something intresting to happen.

Woohyun looked back down at his bowl of rice and poked at the pile of chicken resting on top of the rice.

Earlier, they had kimchi, but none of them wanted to eat it as it all reminded them of Myungsoo and his obsession of eating kimchi.  Instead, Sunggyu had quietly ordered in some chicken, but none of them had much of an appetite.

Dongwoo was quietly chewing at the corner of a piece of chicken as Hoya speared holes into the piece of chicken with his chopsticks.  Sungyeol was playing with his phone, flipping it around in his lap and turning it on and off, and Sungjong stared out into empty space.

“Guys,” Sunggyu spoke up.  “We shouldn’t waste food.  Let’s put the left-overs away and sit back down for a talk.”

All of them quietly agreed and stood up to go put away the food.  Sungyeol quietly scraped the cold and dried rice on their plates into the garbage as Woohyun wrapped up the rest of the chicken to put away into the fridge.  Sowon rushed up to Woohyun, his big puppy eyes begging for a piece of chicken.  Woohyun knew that Sowon had already stolen a few pieces from the others when they weren’t looking, but he picked up a piece of chicken.

“Sit,” he said firmly.  Sowon’s hind legs scrambled to sit down on the smooth kitchen floor.  “Good boy.”  Woohyun knelt down and fed him the piece of chicken and rubbed his neck.  “Good boy…” Woohyun murmured again, gently petting Sowon’s head.  “You’re always a good boy…”

He didn’t realize that he was crying until Sowon whimpered and placed his paws on Woohyun’s chin to reach his cheek.  Woohyun laughed shakily as Sown off his tears for him.  He patted Sowon’s head again and rubbed his back.  “You’re a good boy, Sowon.  Myungsoo’s going to love playing with you, isn’t he?  He’ll come back home soon, then you two can play as much as you want.”

Sowon wagged his tail happily as Woohyun stood up to finish putting away the chicken.  In his heart, he knew that he was lying, but it was always good to believe in a lie… at least for a little while when the truth isn’t hurting you.

When Woohyun returned to the common area, the others were waiting for him.  Sungyeol was already curled up in one of the armchairs, his long legs curled up underneath him as Dongwoo sat beside his feet.  Sunggyu smiled at Woohyun from his spot next to Hoya as his hand gently patted Sungjong’s hair.  Woohyun smiled back slightly and took a spot on the floor across from Sungyeol’s chair.  They all sat there quietly not sure what to say, all of them had so many words to say at all times, usually the dorm was loud and filled with noises, but now, all of the words that they could say disappeared into the air. 

Sunggyu looked around at them.  “We’re going to be okay, aren’t we?”  he asked, smiling slightly, a proud light in his gaze.

Woohyun smiled back.  “Yeah, we are.  We are going to be.”

“That’s kind of hard to believe,” Sungjong said quietly, his gaze at his feet on the couch.  “Especially because now…”

None of them had a reply for the maknae as he didn’t have the heart to finish his sentence.

“How did we get here?” Dongwoo asked, smiling slightly, though his smile was twisted with pain.  “It’s been such a long time since we’ve just been Infinite…”

The silence, the emotion charged silence filled the air again.  Sunggyu tugged out the letters that Myungsoo had given them from his pocket. “Guys.  We should read these.”

Hoya snatched the letter out of his hands and held them firmly out of reach.  “No.”

Sunggyu leaned across and grabbed at the letter. “Howon, we need to read this.  We need to accept that Myungsoo is dying.  All of us think that everything is going to be real if we read it.  We need to read it.”

“I know,” Hoya said tightly, his grip remaining tight as they played tug-of-war with the letter.  “I don’t want it to be true…”  A tear fell out of Hoya’s eye.  “I don’t want it to be true.  Let’s not read this… please…”

Sunggyu let go of his end of the letter and embraced Hoya.  “It’s okay,” he whispered.  “I… think that… I’m scared too… but… Myungsoo… he…”  Sunggyu drew back and pulled out a letter from his back pocket.  “This one is mine...”  He smoothed out the wrinkles and started to read it aloud.

“Sunggyu-hyung.

“Thank you for being there for me.  Thank you for keeping me warm as I rest.  Thank you for everything you ever did for me.  Thank you for giving me more than what I asked for, more than what I thought you would ever give me.    

“You’re very strong, Sunggyu-hyung.  To me, you’re never the hyung that is lacking.  If you think that’s you as a hyung that is lacking, then I must be lacking too, as a dongsaeng.  Never doubt that you are strong enough.  All of the others know that you are strong, even though they they might tease you for being weak, like I did sometimes, but you are strong.  Don’t doubt that. 

“Remember we stayed up that one day, watching the stars above us?  I kept on thinking that there’s such beautiful stars up there.  I thought back to when I see the Inspirits, I think such beautiful stars have fallen down from the sky to look after us.  Wherever I go, wherever I’ll be in my next life or after life, if I ever be somewhere near the stars, I’ll find one star for you and take it home for you.  I’ll light a path for you when I’m in the stars.

“I said in This Is Infinite that my favourite song is your ’41 days’.  41 days after my death, I want to know that you’re happy.  41 days after I’m not with you, you need to smile and not cry.  Use those 41 days to cry as much as you need, but after 41 days, could you smile? 

“Please know that I love you.  Please remember that I love you.  Please know that I will never forget you.  Please remember me…  I’ll remember you.  

“Take care of the others, you’re our leader.  You are our very special hyung.  I’ll always follow you, hyung.  I’m always behind you. 

“I’ll forever shine with the stars.  When you see a shooting star, you’ll know that I’m coming home to you. 

“I love you, hyung.  Thank you for everything.”

Sunggyu closed his letter, trying to hide his tears.  “Whatever I’ll do, I’ll take care of you,” he whispered, his voice breaking.  “I’m going to make sure that you’ll always be okay.”

Hoya let go of the letter, letting it flutter to the ground.  All of them felt the same way, they could all hear Myungsoo’s voice echoing through the dorm as if he was there, reading the letter to them himself.

Sunggyu picked it up.  “Do you… are you strong enough to read it?”  he asked, looking at all of them.

Slowly, each of them nodded, maybe all of them weren’t ready, but for the others, they wanted to be strong so they nodded.  Woohyun nodded with the others, bracing his heart for the letter, knowing that it would be hard to finally accept that Myungsoo was truly lying in the hospital, slowly fading away as they spoke.

When Sunggyu pulled out the letter from the envelope, Woohyun saw the farmiliar writing across the page and as Sunggyu started reading, it sounded as if Myungsoo was there speaking the words to them. 

“Dear Infinite,” Sunggyu read aloud.  “I love you.”

“You’re just making this up aren’t you?” Hoya accused, his voice breaking.  Woohyun agreed with Hoya, wanting to deny that Myungsoo actually had written those words.

“No, I’m not,” Sunggyu whispered, his eyes filled with tears.  “It’s right here.”  Sunggyu looked at Hoya as he brushed away a tear falling down his cheek and took his hand into his lap and squeezed it softly.  Hoya smiled at him, finding strength in Sunggyu’s warm hand.  Sunggyu smiled back and looked around at all of them before continuing with the letter.

“I love you.

“I want you to remember that.  Maybe during these letters, I will repeat that too many times and I say it with honesty and it is all filled with truth.

“So remember I love you, okay?”

Sunggyu lowered the letter, his voice thick with tears.

Sungjong smiled shakily.  “This is really Myungsoo saying this, isn’t?” he whispered.  “It’s really Myungsoo.”  Dongwoo nodded and took Sungjong’s hand, both of them ready to comfort one another.

Sungyeol laughed.  “Yeah… such a stupid idiot,” he muttered as he tried to wipe away the tears falling down his cheeks.

Sunggyu dabbed at his eyes and looked down at the letter.  “Myungsoo… he’s such a idiot… idiot, idiot, idiot…”

“Do you want me to read?” Woohyun asked.  Sunggyu silently handed over the letter and let Woohyun read the next part.  As Woohyun looked at the letter, he nearly didn’t read as the pain at seeing Myungsoo’s words right in front of him was too much.  Soon maybe this would be all they had left of him.  He took a deep breath and started reading where Sunggyu left off.

“Are you smiling now?”  Woohyun read.

“Of course not, you idiot,” Sungyeol said.  Sungjong smacked Sungyeol’s foot, the only place that he could reach from his place on the floor, trying not to cry as he did.

“If I could I ask you one thing, it would be this,” Woohyun continued.  “Could you smile?

“Please smile.

“It’s been a long time since we’ve all smiled together.  It’s been a long time since we’ve been Infinite together.

“But that’s okay.  Because in the time that we haven’t been Infinite, we’ve been brothers instead. 

“Some day, a long time from now, when we’re all together again, when you come to live with me again, let’s sing and be Infinite once more.

“Please always sing without me.  Sunggyu-hyung, you said that you were going to make music until you die.  All of us promised that we would be Infinite until we die.  Can you all promise to keep on singing?

“Sing, so that I can sing with you.

“Live freely too.  Do all the things that we talked about doing in the many changing rooms or airports but we never got to do.

“Take many walks with your family, relax and sleep for many hours, eat a lot of food and sweets, laugh and be the Kim Sunggyu, Jang Dongwoo, Nam Woohyun, Lee Howon, Lee Sungyeol and Lee Sungjong that I know around the dorm and the people I know you are in your hearts.

“We all changed so much since we first met.  Sunggyu-hyung, when you were just a trainee, you were unsure of yourself as you were just someone who just left home; you became such a good leader.  Dongwoo-hyung, you were the youngest child of your family, then you became the second oldest of our family; you became such a wonderful hyung to all of us.  Woohyun-hyung, you came to the company ready to prove your dream and here you are, achieving your dream.  Howon, I thought that you were sad and lonely because you just came to Woollim, leaving your old life behind; since our debut, you became so much happier.  Sungyeollie, you matured so much, you were beautiful in our debut, now you’re an angel.  Sungjong-ah, you were just 16 when you came to the company; you’ve grown into a beautiful young man from that boy that I remember meeting.  All of your voices matured and grew since then and I hope they keep on maturing and they can reach everyone in the world. 

“We shouldn’t have to live behind the masks that we have so carefully constructed.  I’m sure the Inspirits would love to see the real you someday, even if it’s not tomorrow, just maybe someday.  I’m sure that they’ll love to see you as you are, just like how I want to see you like that once more too.   

“There’s so many words that I would like to give you, tell you, sing to you, but I don’t think that I would’ve had enough time to say all of them to you even if I hadn’t had this bad luck.

“So I’m going to leave you with this message: smile, sing and live freely.  Remember to smile warmly to others.  Sing loudly to spread our songs. Live with loving thoughts and a smile.

“As I give you these letters, I don’t mean these to be replacing me.  I hope that these letters will help accept the fact that I’m dying and that I’m going to be leaving you.

“Remember me.  Remember that I’ll always love you no matter how far I am way from you.

“Remember that.  

“Please remember that I love you.”

Woohyun saw the rest of the letter before he read it a loud and quickly wipped away the tears that were collecting in his eyes.  All of the others were already crying, none of them looked like they were going to stop any time soon.  Woohyun knew, that forever, the tears from Myungsoo’s death would always be running in their hearts and be soaking through the dorm.

Wetting his lips as tears ran down his cheeks, Woohyun read aloud the last paragraph, his voice breaking with each word.

“Promise me once more that you’ll sing, you’ll smile, you’ll laugh, you’ll be who you are and that you’ll keep on moving forward.  Tell me once more that you promise that you’ll be Infinite. 

“With all the love that I gave you,

“All the love that I didn’t get to give you,

“And all the love that you will find on our journey;

“-Infinite’s L

“Your Kim Myungsoo.”

Hi?  

Can I still get comments even with all of this angst?  

And you know that surprise that I mentioned last week on the SotH chapter?  Yeah, still working on it.  I was going to finish it this afternoon, but I went to the dentist and they numbed half my face, so I ended up just watching Running Man and procrastinating... sorry, it's mostly finished and bc i now have feeling in my face back, I'll work on it now and give it to you next week!  But angsty chapter over surprise every day!  ^^ 

Yep.  Well, I hope you liked this chapter.  I love you guys!  Please comment again!  Biebie!