~*~

Chapter XII

Dreams and Wishes

6월 18일

Rain rushed down the window.

It had been raining since last night, casting a gloomy mood into the dorm.  Sunggyu had come back into the dorm last night, drenched in rain water and crying, holding a blanket he hadn’t left with, but no one noticed, everyone drowned in their own grief.  Sungyeol had left early that morning and hadn’t come back or told him where he was going.  Their manager, Jungwook, had picked up Dongwoo a few minutes earlier to take him to his parent’s house.  Woohyun and Sungjong were alone in their own rooms, leaving Hoya the only one in the common area. 

Someone buzzed their apartment and Hoya looked around, wondering if someone else would answer it, but no one else came out of the room.  Standing up, Hoya pressed the answer button, answering, “Hello?”

“Hey… Howon.”

Hoya did a double take, not sure if he was hearing things right as a farmiliar voice came from the speaker. “Who is this?”

The person on the other side of the line laughed.  “I thought you would be able to recognize me.”

It was true, Hoya did recoginize him, but he didn’t want to believe in false hopes.  “Myungsoo?” he asked shakily.

“Of course,” Myungsoo reliped.  “Hoya, could you come meet me down here?”

Hoya hesitated.  “But…” The press would be out there.  If he went out to met the ghost of Myungsoo, either they couldn’t see Myungsoo and everyone would think that he’s crazy or if they could see Myungsoo, there would be a big press blow out and Infinite would be labled as liars and crazy idols.

Myungsoo laughed again.  “Hoya.  Trust me, okay?  Come and find me.”

Hoya grinned.  He would always trust Myungsoo, he didn’t need to ask.  “Okay.”  He stood up and grabbed his jacket, making his way quickly downstairs.  When he stepped outside, the street was quiet, the rain driving everyone to shelter.

Hoya looked around for Myungsoo, but the street was empty. His heart fell, feeling betrayed by Myungsoo, but he remembered his words. 

“Come and find me.”

Taking off down the street, he found himself getting wet from the rain as he forgot to grab an umbrella when he left in a hurry. 

Even though he had no idea where Myungsoo woud be, he found his feet taking him to NIT coffee.  Without hesitating, Hoya entered the quiet coffe house.  No one payed attention to him as he sat down in a table in the corner, wondering where Myungsoo was. 

“Excuse me?” 

He looked up to see a barista standing there with a take-out cup.  “I didn’t order anything.”

“Actually, the young man over there asked me to give this to you,” she said, pointing over to a different table across the café. 

Hoya looked over and his mouth fell open as he recognized the other.  Even though his back was facing him, he could recognize him anywhere. 

“Thank you,” Hoya quickly thanked the barista, standing up to head over to Myungsoo’s table, but he was already gone.  Hoya looked around, hoping that he could see where Myungsoo went, and he heard the door ringing cheerfully as it swung shut.  Hoya hurried after the other back onto the rainy streets. 

“Hey, Howon!”

He looked across the street to where the voice came from and jumped as he recognized Myungsoo, waving at him. 

“Finally, took you long enough,” Myungsoo said, smiling.

Hoya smiled back faintly, still not believing that Myungsoo was standing in front of him.

A few trucks wizzed between them on the street and for a moment Hoya worried that Myungsoo would be gone when the street cleared, but Myungsoo was still there, holding his umbrella over his head to protect himself from the rain, only serving to remind Hoya that he was getting wet. 

“It’s raining and you don’t even bring an umbrella,” Myungsoo called across the street. 

Hoya laughed and shoved his hands in his pockets.  “It’s okay.  I don’t mind getting wet.”

Myungsoo laughed and mumbled something to himself, but Hoya was able to read his lips.  “Liar.”

With a chuckle, Hoya shook the wet hair out of his face.  “I’m a better liar than you.”

Myungsoo only smiled.  “Hoya.  There’s something you want to ask me?” Myungsoo asked.

Confused at the sudden change of subject, he looked at him surprised.  “No, I don’t…”

Myungsoo nodded, his eyes seemed to know everything.  “There is.  Ask now.  I don’t have too much time with you.”

Hoya racketed his brain for the question that Myungsoo told him about.  There were a lot of things that Hoya wanted to ask him about, whether he’d be happy when he’s gone, if he’d come back again, but by the way that Myungsoo looked at him he knew that he was thinking of the wrong questions. 

“You’ll know soon enough,” Myungsoo said gently.  “Ask when you’re ready, okay?”

Myungsoo took a few paces to the left to which Hoya mirrored on the other side of the road.  “Are you going somewhere?” Hoya asked. 

“No, but we don’t have much time.” Myungsoo stuck his free hand out into the rain, letting it get soaked.  “I like the rain,” he said, out of the blue.

“I don’t,” Hoya said truthfully as they slowly walked together, a street seperating them, so close yet so far.

“Why not?” Myungsoo asked, looking across the street at him again.

“It feels like the earth is crying,” Hoya admitted.  “Now, it feels like the skies are crying for you.”

Myungsoo shook his head.  “It isn’t like that.  It’s the earth’s way of starting a new.  Everything’s clean after the rain and it’s beautiful.”

He looked over at Hoya and continued as if he knew that he still wasn’t convinced, “I like the rain,” he said.  “If you think of it as the earth crying, think of it as the earth is sheading tears of joy because I’m happy.  Think of it as a blessing for me.”

Hoya swallowed.  “Sometimes it’s so hard to believe that you’re happier now.” 

“I am,” Myungsoo said.  “Don’t get me wrong though.  I’m not happy that I’m no longer with you, Infinite and my family, but in some ways, I am at least a bit happy.  I’ll be happy because it’s raining, so be happy too, okay, Howon?”

Hoya wanted to protest, but the rain was finally washing away the last of the longing. “I’ll try.”

As their conversation came to a stop as they reached opposite corners of the crosswalk.  The streets were quiet, no cars or people were in sight, but still Myungsoo pressed the button and waited for the traffic lights to switch.  The traffic light switched to green and Myungsoo started to walk forward.  As if drawn by an invisible force, Hoya stepped forward until they met in the middle of the cross walk, the rain falling down around them. 

“Hoya?  Now do you know what the question is?” Myungsoo asked. 

Hoya swallowed and shook his head.  “I don’t know.”

Myungsoo smiled as if he knew that this was going to happen.  “You will know.  Ask it, I’ll be listening,” he said comfortingly.  He handed him his umbrella wth a small smile.  “Don’t get too wet because of the rain.”

Hoya nodded as the traffic light started to blink, signalling the end of the green light.  Myungsoo leaned forward and hugged him tightly before letting him go, tears pooling in his eyes.  “Go.  I don’t want you to be run over a car.”  He pushed him towards the opposite curb for good measure.  Hoya kept on glancing back as he walked towards the other curb, making sure that Myungsoo was still there.  By the time his feet hit the curb, Myungsoo was still standing there, getting soaked by the rain now that Hoya had his umbrella. 

“I’ll see you soon, Hoya,” Myungsoo called, giving him a short wave. 

“Are you leaving now?” Hoya asked, watching as Myungsoo slowly took another step back, farther away from him into the rain.

Myungsoo shook his head, his feet still carrying him farther away, bit by bit.  “I’m not leaving.  I’m going to be right here with you…”

Even as he said that, he took one slow step back, then another, and another.  Hoya watched as Myungsoo backed up until his feet hit the other side of the road, getting up onto the sidewalk.  He badly wanted to call out to Myungsoo, to beg him to stay there, but Hoya knew that Myungsoo could no longer stay there with them.

The question that Myungsoo had mentioned dawned on Hoya. “Myungsoo-yah?”  

“Yes?”  

“Are you scared?” Hoya called.

A smile spread across Myungsoo's lips as if the sun had touche just one spot in the rainy day.  “I’ve got you,” Myungsoo called back, his voice echoing in the rain.  “Why would I be scared?”

Before he could reply, a large truck rushed down the street between them, blocking Hoya’s view of Myungsoo for a second, but that’s all it took for Myungsoo to disappear forever, leaving Hoya standing in the morning rain with only Myungsoo’s umbrella. 

~*~

“Hey, hyung?”

“Yeah?”

His breath came out in little curls in the cold air and he was rubbing his hands together in the cold.  “Do you ever think of leaving?”

Woohyun scoffed.  “Never.  This is all I’ve wanted to do for a long time.  I’m not going to let go of this dream.”

Myungsoo nodded and they looked back out at the city below them. 

“Why do you ask?”

“It’s because...” Myungsoo sighed and looked away.  “Nothing.  I was just wondering.”

It took a moment for Woohyun to realize why Myungsoo was asking.  “You’re considering to leave!”

“No, hyung, it...” Again, Myungsoo sighed.  “Yeah.  That’s it.”

“What? Why?”

Myungsoo closed his eyes.  “I... it’s because everything that’s happening now... it’s overwhelming.  I just want this to end sometimes.”

“But it can’t end yet!” Woohyun said slightly desperately.  “We should still have a lot of time together.  It shouldn’t end yet!”

Myungsoo gave Woohyun a small smile.  “But it has to...”

Woohyun jerked upright in his bed.  He took in as big gasps of air as his lungs would allow, trying his best not to cry.  Nearly every night he would have a dream about Myungsoo.  Some days, the dreams weren’t pleasant, like having to say goodbye to Myungsoo again and again and again.  This time, it was better.  The memory from when they were staying in a hotel in Britian during their world tour was painful to relive, but the memory felt so innocent, a time when they were far away from the times that could hurt them. 

Groaning, he reached over and grabbed his phone from the mess beside his bed.  After replying to a couple of people sending their condolences, Woohyun opened his contacts and just stared at one of the names. 

Myungsoo

His finger hovered over Myungsoo’s contact number.  His heart told him to press the call button, but he knew that his heart would be ripped into pieces if he did. 

After a few minutes of deliberating, he pressed the call button and waited as the call connected. 

Beep. 

“Hello.  You’ve reached Kim Myungsoo or L of Infinite.  Please leave a message and I’ll call back as soon as I can.”

Woohyun let out a shaky breath and ran his finger through his hair as he heard the beep.  “Myun… Myungsoo… I miss you a lot,” he mumbled.  “I wish that you could come back to me.  We miss you a lot.  Sunggyu-hyung, Howon, Dongwoo, Sungjong and Sungyeollie, they all miss you.”

He sighed, closing his eyes against the sting in his eyes.  “Myungsoo… remember on New Year’s Eve, we went out to that hill and we wished on those sky lanterns.  My wish was that we would be able to promote again with you by the time the year is over… but we… no longer can.  We’re never going to be able to sing with you again.  Why did you have to leave so quickly?” 

His heart hurt so much and he could barely force the next words out of his throat.  “What I’m trying to say is… that… Myungsoo… I miss you.”

He threw his phone down to the end of the bed and fell face first into his pillow, crying quietly. 

Somehow, he fell asleep, tears staining his pillow and his cheeks, but his phone woke him up again ringing persistantly at the end of his bed.  Woohyun rolled over and grabbed his phone, looking at the caller ID. 

Myungsoo

Woohyun sat up straight in the bed, staring at the screen in shock.  His fingers were shaking as he slid his finger across the screen to answer it.  “Hello?”

“Hey, Woohyun.  I got your message.”

Woohyun’s heart jumped into his throat, gripping onto his phone tightly.  “What?  Who is this?”

“It’s Myungsoo, of course.”

Woohyun closed his eyes and shook his head.  “Don’t lie.  Don’t make fun of Myungsoo like that.”

“I’m glad to know that you’ve already forgotten me, but I am Myungsoo.  Really.  I am, hyung, believe me.  It’s me.”

Burrying his face in one hand, Woohyun sighed.  “How should I know that you aren’t trying to trick me?”

“You’re just going to have to trust me.” 

A little laugh escaped him with a lone tear running down his cheek.  “I trust you.”

Myungsoo’s beautiful laugh came from the other end, puncuated with little voice cracks.  The sound, though so simple, sounded so beautiful to Woohyun.  “Why did you call me?” Woohyun asked. 

“You left a message,” Myungsoo said.  “My answering machine says that I’ll get back to you as soon as possible, not ignore you for the rest of enternity.”

Woohyun laughed.  “You’re always going to answer?”

“Not always,” Myungsoo said.  “If I always answer, nothing’s going to change and sometimes, things need to change.”

“Myungsoo…”

“Hyung,” Myungsoo interrupted.“Could you tell me a story?”

Woohyun nearly choked on his breath in surprise at the sudden request.  “A story?”

Myungsoo let out a little bout of laughter.  “Yes, a story.  Sometimes I think that you don’t even know what the word ‘story’ means.”

Woohyun’s mouth went dry.  “What story do you want me to tell you?” he asked.

“Any story,” Myungsoo said and Woohyun knew if they were sitting with each other, Myungsoo would’ve given a little shrug of his shoulders. 

Woohyun hesitated, racketing his mind for a story.  “How about… you?”

There was a slight pause, probably because Myungsoo was nodding because he said, “Okay.”

Woohyun wet his lips and started the story.  “I once met a boy, and he was the strangest person I met, he… he’s you.

“You were so warm and kind.  It always surprised me when you became L, I always wanted Myungsoo back. 

“While we were with Infinite, you’ve gone through so much, you worked so hard whatever happened.  There wasn’t anything that you didn’t work hard on.  You worked hard on your acting, your singing, your dancing, your photography, your everything.  You tried so hard even if it didn’t matter.  You did your best with everything.  When you started dating Doyeon, you tried so hard to make your relationship work even though all of us had told you that it wouldn’t work in the end, you tried so hard to prove that you could be a good boyfriend.” 

Tears stung his eyes as he finished the story, “You’re such a good person, you did everything right in life, why did they have to take you away?”

For a moment, Myungsoo didn’t answer, only the sounds of his breathing telling Woohyun that he was still there.  “That doesn’t count as a story, hyung,” he finally whispered.

“But why?” Woohyun asked.  “Why did you have to go away?  Didn’t you do everything right?”

There was another pause and Myungsoo let out a little sigh.  “I’m going to tell you a story,” he said quietly.  “On New Year’s, we made a wish and sent them into the sky.  I wrote a wish on the glass ball and we sent it into the sky.  I never told you what I wrote.”

Woohyun shook his head.  “I never need to know,” Woohyun said, tears choking his voice.  “I don’t need to know about that.”

“I want you to know,” Myungsoo said.  “I wanted to tell you a long time ago, but I never had the chance.”

He waited as Myungsoo let out a long breath as if he wasn’t sure if he wanted to say the next part.  “Woohyun.  Look in the bottom left drawer of your desk.”

Standing up, Woohyun opened the last drawer of his desk and found a small box that he couldn’t remember putting there.  “What is this?” he asked. 

“Look inside,” Myungsoo instructed. 

Woohyun opened the box and found the same clear glass ball that they had put on the end of their sky lanterns to make wishes.  He read the wish that he had written on it and smiled, sitting back down on the edge of his bed.

I want to fly up to the end of the hevens.

Hug the breeze in the air.

And whisper with the winged angels.

I wish for all Inspirits’ happiness and well being.  Sleep well to see the new tomorrow.  I sing this song for you.

When I asked for an angel, Infinite came to me.  I’m thankful that I have my angels.  I will become an angel for them one day when it’s time for me to be left behind.  Sunggyu, Dongwoo, Woohyun, Hoya, Sungyeol, Sungjong... you made everything easy when everything seemed hard.  

Infinite.  Thank you for everything.

Tears fell down the sides of Woohyun’s nose and onto the glass ball in his hands. “Myungsoo…” Woohyun whispered, feeling like a lost child.  “I’m…  It’s so hard now.  How did we ever make it easy for you?”

The sounds of Myungsoo’s laughter floated through the phone.  “Maybe it wasn’t easy… but it just wasn’t… as hard as it was before.  With you, even though it was hard, I knew it was going to be okay.  Just like when it’s time for me to leave you for good, it isn’t going to be easy, but it’s going to be okay.”

“Myungsoo…”

“I’m not supposed to stay here forever,” Myungsoo said.  “I need to leave…”

Woohyun pressed his lips together and felt his hands shaking as one gripped his phone and the other gripping the glass ball.  He dreaded the moment that he would need to say goodbye to him the second and the final time.  “So…” he whispered. 

“Yeah,” Myungsoo quietly said, his voice filled with as much regret as Woohyun’s. 

“Are you going to go now?” Woohyun asked. 

It took Myungsoo a little while to answer.  “No.  I’m going to stay here.  It’s up to you to go ahead.”

Woohyun closed his eyes, running a hand over his face.  “Okay,” he mumbled, trying to stop the tears from coming out. 

“I know it’s hard,” Myungsoo said gently.  “But it’s time to let me go.”

“Why do I need to let you go?” Woohyun whispered.  “I shouldn’t need to let you go.  You should be here with me.”

“I know.  I’m sorry.”

“That doesn’t help,” Woohyun said with a laugh.

Myungsoo laughed too.  “I know.   But I am sorry because I don’t want to leave.”

There is nothing that could heal the emptiness that comes when you lose someone, but somehow, for Woohyun, having this one last piece of Myungsoo, it helped him a little bit, slowly healing over the empty spot where Myungsoo had once stood.  Eventually the hole in his heart would heal with the love from the other members of Infinite and his friends and family, but for now, the memory of Myungsoo’s warm hand leading him on would heal the hole.

Woohyun sighed.  “Myungsoo… I…”

“I know,” Myungsoo said with a little smile in his voice.  “I miss you too.”

Cold tears ran down Woohyun’s cheeks as he laughed a little bit.  “That’s not what I wanted to say.”

“I know,” Myungsoo said again, this time sounding like he wanted to tease Woohyun a bit.  “But you need to say it first.”

“It’s so hard,” Woohyun mumbled.  “It’s hard.”

This time, Myungsoo didn’t answer with a “I know,” but instead, he said, “It’s hard, so hold your head high, okay?”

Woohyun smiled.  “I will,” he said quietly. 

“It’s not going to change, Woohyun, if you stay here.  It’s going to be hard, but it’s going to be okay in the end.”

“There’s supposed to be no end to infinities,” Woohyun murmured. 

“There is one to mine,” Myungsoo said with a little laugh.  “It’s time for my infinity with you to end.”

Woohyun smiled.  “Okay…”

“It’s up to you to leave,” Myungsoo said quietly.  “I’m going to be right here, okay?  I’ll stay here.” 

“Myungsoo-yah,” he whispered slowly.  “I love you so much.”

Myungsoo laughed once more, the sound forever echoing in Woohyun’s ears. “I know, I love you too.”

Hi hand and voice was shaking so much as Woohyun finally managed to choke out, “Goodbye, Myungsoo,” and without hesitation, Woohyun hung up and threw his phone across the room before diving under his blankets and finally letting the tears run down his face. 

He knew if he had stayed on the phone any longer, he would’ve not been able to hang up, but that didn’t make the goodbye any less painful. 

Woohyun’s eyes burned with tears as he cried into the pillows for the rest of the hour eventually falling asleep, feeling exhausted and drained. 

“But it has to end... at least some time.”

“‘Some time’ doesn’t mean now.”

“I know.  It hurts a lot though.”

“Doesn’t everything hurt?  It takes so much to fight through everything and in the end, all you have is what you have took from the battle.”

“Then what did you take from your battles?”

“My voice.  The Inspirits.  Fame too I guess.”

“That’s all you got?”

Woohyun smiled at Myungsoo.  “I got you.”

He opened his eyes to the plain white ceiling in front of him.  Sitting up, Woohyun tried to sort out the difference between reality and dreams.  Slowly, he reached out and took his phone, staring at Myungsoo’s number, wondering if he should call again. 

Hesitantly, he pressed Myungsoo’s number and held it up to his ear, listening to the dialtone. 

But suddenly, he could hear Myungsoo’s ringtone somewhere near by.  He  stood up and spotted Myungsoo’s phone ringing on the table.  Woohyun slowly picked it up, placing his phone on the table as he stared at Myungsoo’s phone ringing in his hands. 

Holding Myungsoo’s phone in his hand, made him realize once more that Myungsoo was no longer there, he would no longer pick up the phone.  Woohyun could never dial Myungsoo’s number again and expect an answer. 

He was alone.  

Myungsoo’s phone kept on insisting that Woohyunie-hyung was calling, but no one would ever pick up. 

But Woohyun was okay with that.  

He rejected the call and put the phone back down on the table. 

And somehow, he was okay.  

*laughs evily for a little while before shutting up*    Please give me comments! Have a wonderful day! ^^