~*~

Chapter V

“I’m not going to leave you.”

5월 18일

Rain drummed down on Seoul.  The fresh smell of rain mingled with the harsh scent of the city, making something new.    

Sungjong jumped out of the van and ran the short distance to the entrance, but not without getting a little bit wet, but by the time that he got up to Myungsoo’s room, he was dry again. 

The lights in Myungsoo’s room were dimmed as Myungsoo took a nap in the afternoon.  He had his blankets hitched up to his nose, but the blankets were too small, so his feet were poking out of the other end of the blankets.  Apparently he wasn’t napping as Sungjong thought because as he sat down on the chair, he opened his eyes and smiled at Sungjong. 

“Hey, Sungjong,” he said with a little smile. 

“Hey, hyung,” he replied, smiling back.  “You feeling okay today?”

Myungsoo nodded and looked towards the window.  “It’s raining again,” he said.  “It’s always seems to be raining recently…”

“At least it isn’t thunder storming,” Sungjong reasoned.  “We wouldn’t want our little Myungie-hyung to be afraid of the thunder and lightning.”

“Not scared,” Myungsoo said stubbornly.

Sungjong laughed, which made Myungsoo pout and jerk the blankets higher, so that his whole head was covered by it, hiding him from Sungjong.   

Laughing a little bit, Sungjong tugged the blankets back down.  “It’s okay, hyung,” he said.  “The thunder can’t hurt you.”

Myungsoo stuck out his tounge.  “I just wish that I could be back at the dorm again,” he mumbled, suddenly serious again. 

The smile faded off of Sungjong’s lips.  “Hyung,” he said quietly.  “It’s okay, you’re going to come back home soon.”   

He shook his head.  “Jjongie, that’s not it,” he said.  “I don’t… think that… I’ll come home soon…” 

“Hyung?  What do you mean?  Don’t say it, it makes it sound like…”

You’re dying…

Myungsoo nodded slowly, looking down at the blankets, trying not to meet Sungjong’s eyes.  “I told you all those months ago that… I promise that I would make it…”

“And you said that you were in pain,” Sungjong said, trying to skirt around on what Myungsoo was trying to say.  “Is that it?  Are you trying to say that you’re hurting now, too?”

Myungsoo shook his head, a single tear running down his cheek.  “Sungjongie…”

Sungjong looked away, determinedly not looking at Myungsoo.  It wasn’t until Myungsoo’s soft fingers touched his chin, guiding his eyes to look up, which Sungjong did reluctantly. 

“Sungjongie… you know that I won’t make it.”

He shook his head, wildly.   He wanted to put his hands over his ears and yell that he couldn’t hear him like a little kid, but he knew that would look ridiculous. 

“Hyung, don’t,” Sungjong begged instead.  “Don’t, please don’t.”

“Sungjong.”  Myungsoo stopped Sungjong with a hand on his shoulder.  “Listen to me… I told you long ago that I was going to make it, but you know that it won’t happen….”

Sungjong shook his head quickly.  “Hyung, you aren’t… you aren’t going to go, I’m not going to lose you.”

“Sungjongie…”

“Myungsoo, you’re my hyung, you’re supposed to protect me, so protect me now and tell me you aren’t going to go,” Sungjong whispered, his voice cracking at the end of his sentence. 

Myungsoo’s eyes dropped, filled with tears as he gazed out the window past Sungjong’s shoulder.  “I can’t… I know that I’m your hyung, I know that I need to protect you, but I… can’t….”

“I…” Sungjong let out a strangled sob.  “Hyung…”

“Jongie,” Myungsoo whimpered.  “Don’t cry… can you do that, please?”

Sungjong nodded shakily and tried to wipe his eyes.  “Myungsoo… why is it so hard…”

Myungsoo wrapped his arms around Sungjong’s thin shoulders.  “I don’t know…” he whispered in his ear.  “It’s… just that…”

The two brothers cried brokenly on the bed together.  Myungsoo tried to wipe away Sungjong’s tears for him, wiping away the salty water on his pale cheeks. 

“Sungjongie, if I don’t make it…”

“You’re going to make it, you’re going to make it, say you’re going to make it.”  Sungjong pulled away from Myungsoo, hitting his fists weakly on Myungsoo’s chest.  “Please don’t say that you aren’t going to make it.”

“Jjongie…”

Sungjong let out another sob as Myungsoo used his nickname for him. 

“Sungjongie… our beautiful, Sungjongie…” Myungsoo whispered against his ear.  “Please take care of our hyungs… take care of yourself after I’m gone.  Please be strong for me.”

“Don’t say that you’re going to be gone… don’t say it…”

“You promised…” Myungsoo reminded him through a sob.  “You promised…”

Sungjong cried again into Myungsoo’s shoulder.  “I promised and I will… I’ll take care of our hyungs…”

Both of them cried together on the bed.  Neither of them had the energy to help each other to wipe their tears, but with both of their tears, they comforted each other silently.

After a too long time, Sungjong lay Myungsoo back down on the bed as he felt his sobs cease and his breath calm down to shuddering breaths. 

Myungsoo turned his head so that his cheek was leaning on the pillow and his dark eyes, still filled with tears, locked with Sungjong’s golden brown eyes, his shadowed with sadness.  Sungjong ran his fingers over Myungsoo’s eyelids, coaxing him to close his eyes.  “Rest for now, hyung, rest now…”

Sungjong continued to gently brush his hair and hum quietly to him even after his breath evened out as he fell to sleep.  Sungjong tucked Myungsoo into the crook of his neck, determined to keep him safe until he woke up. 

~*~

Hoya walked through the rain, holding his umbrella low over his face.

Hoya didn’t really like the rain.  He did enjoy it, but often, the rain made him feel tired.  Unfortunely for him, it rained often, so most of the time, he had no choice, but to enjoy the rain.

His phone buzzed in his pocket as he stepped into the hospital.  Hoya set down in umbrella and fished out his phone to check the text.

Sunggyu: Where are you? Do you know where Sungjong is? 

Hoya: I’m with Myungsoo or getting up there soon.  I’m not sure where Sungjong is.

Sunggyu’s reply came quickly: I think that Sungjong is with Myungsoo right now.  I just wanted to make sure that Sungjong remembered his dance practice at four, he isn’t answering his phone. 

Hoya replied with one hand as he hit the button for the elevator.  I’ll make sure that he remembers. 

Sunggyu: Thank you, Howon, come back safely, don’t slip in the rain.

Hoya smiled and tucked his phone away in his pocket as the elevator doors slid open.  He got on and hit the button for Myungsoo’s floor and as the doors were sliding shut, a small hand darted between the doors, stopping the doors from closing.  A young girl, probably still in elementry school, ran into the elevator too, the doors sliding shut behind her. 

“Hey, oppa,” she said cheerfully and held out his umbrella.  “You forgot this.”

“Oh, thank you.” Hoya smiled at her and took his umbrella.  “If I forgot it, that wouldn’t have been good with all this rain,” he joked, with a voice he used for little kids.  

She nodded happily and pressed the button for the same floor that Myungsoo was on.  “This is for you as well, oppa,” she said, holding out a golden envelope with ‘Infinite’ written on the front and tied with a golden ribbon to match the envelope. 

“Oh, thank you,” Hoya said, leaning down to give her a quick hug.  “What’s your name?”

“Yoon Eunyoung,” she said. “That letter is important, please read it soon.” She smiled at him and waved at him as the door slid open.  “Fighting, oppa, keep fighting.”  She ran out of the elevator and hurried down the hallway.  Hoya slowly followed her, as she was going in the direction of Myungsoo’s room.  Before she reached his room, she turned into a different room.  As Hoya walked past the room, he heard laughter echoing out of it.  He quickly looked in, curious to who the girl was.

The girl was sitting on the edge of the bed, laughing to the patient on the bed.  Hoya looked closer, the patient on the bed was smiling, although she was looked tired and weak.  The younger of the sisters looked towards the door and smiled at Hoya.

Hoya smiled back, watching them with an aching heart.  Somehow, he saw Infinite in those two girls.  Seeing himself in someone else hurt so much because they were younger than them and going through the same things that they were.  Quietly, he pulled himself away from the door and headed over to Myungsoo’s room.

Just as Sunggyu had said, Sungjong was in Myungsoo’s room.  The two maknaes were sleeping together on the bed peacefully.  Sungjong had his arms resting loosely around Myungsoo as if he didn’t want to touch the wires and tubes that were somehow keeping Myungsoo alive for a bit longer.  It wasn’t only the medicines that were keeping Myungsoo alive, but Sungjong’s arms as well. 

Suddenly, Myungsoo opened his eyes, looking around the room drowsily.  A small smile appeared on his lips as he saw Sungjong sleeping beside him, but then a grin spread over his lips as he saw Hoya in the chair beside them. 

“Hey, Myungsoo,” Hoya said, smiling slightly.

Myungsoo smiled back.  “Hey.”

“Feeling okay?” Hoya sat down on the edge of the bed, resting his hand on Myungsoo’s chest.

He smiled, relaxing under his touch. “Are you okay too?”

Hoya nodded.  “Today’s a good day.”

With another smile, Myungsoo stretched a little and spotted the envelope that the little girl had given him earlier.  “What’s that?” he asked, pointing at it. 

Hoya looked down in surprise.  “Oh, a little girl gave it to me on the way in,” he said, handing it over to him.  “You can open it if you want.”

Myungsoo smiled, but his fingers were shaking too badly to open it so Hoya took it from him and carefully opened it for him.  Myungsoo laughed a little bit, bitterly, but before Hoya could comment on it, Myungsoo started to read the letter aloud. 

“Dear Infinite.

“My name is Yoon Eunyoung and my sister is Yoon Haneul.  She’s in the hospital right now.

“My unnie draws a smile from Sungjong and Hoya, a laugh from Sungyeol and Dongwoo, courage from Sunggyu and a heart from Woohyun.  All of you help her fight on for another day.

“Especially L, you give her fighting spirit, warm heart and beautiful smile.  She always admires you and she keeps on fighting because you give her the strength to be with me for one more day.

“She’s dying right now, but she has no regrets, because she has already seen seven angels.  Haneul will become an angel for you soon and she’ll be an angel watching over me.

“Thank you, Infinite.

“From Eunyoung.”

Quietly, Myungsoo set down the letter in his lap and looked up at the ceiling, his eyes filled with tears. 

“Myungsoo, are you okay?” he asked. 

He gave him teary smile and looked back down at the letter.  “The day of our comeback stage in October… I got a letter from this little girl… her name was Yoon Haneul.”

Hoya’s eyebrows shot up, but he didn’t say anything. 

“It’s the same girl… she told me about her life and that she was diagnosed with leukaemia and that she had a sister waiting for her to come back home.” Myungsoo took in a deep shaking breath before continuing.  “I just… if she could stay with her sister, I knew that I could stay with you too.

“Before… a few months ago… when you asked me if I was scared…”  He trailed off and looked up at Hoya.  “I couldn’t answer, but Howon…”

Hoya felt something tighten in his chest.  He wanted to slap his hand over Myungsoo’s mouth to stop him from saying anything.  “I know.  You don’t need to say anything.”

Myungsoo shook his head before pressing on.  “I didn’t tell you, because… I guess I’m more scared of admiting it than I… you now… I am… but I… can’t…”

Hoya grasped his hand, trying to cut off Myungsoo’s stammered sentances.  “I know what you’re trying to say, but you don’t need to say that, you don’t need to say any more…”

Myungsoo relaxed and smiled at him.  “Thank you…” he sighed.  “I don’t want to go if I’m…”

Scared.

Hoya took Myungsoo’s hand and placed it in his lap.  “Here.”  He pulled the ribbon that was tied around the letter from Eunyoung and wrapped it around Myungsoo’s wrist, tying it at the end.  “There we go.”

Myungsoo lifted his arm up and looked at his wrist.  “What’s this for?” he whispered.

“So you won’t feel so scared any more.”  Hoya patted his hand.  “If you ever do feel any more scared, you can just look at that ribbon and remember that all of us are with you, and many more people like Haneul.  Because we are here, you don’t need to be scared.  We’re going to be right here beside you.”

Tears ran down Hoya’s cheeks as he spoke to Myungsoo in a soothing tone, coaxing him to sleep as his eyes fell shut.  “Thank you so much… hyung, thank you…”  Myungsoo whispered as he fell back to sleep again.

It was stange to see Myungsoo drop off to sleep like someone had flipped a switch, but the doctors said that it was normal to be like that wen the patient only had a few more weeks to live, but that fact didn’t make any less painful.   

A moment after Myungsoo fell asleep, Sungjong opened his eyes again.  For a moment, he seemed to panic a bit before calming down, seeing Myungsoo safe and sleeping in his arms. 

“Hey, Sungjong,” Hoya said quietly.  “Have a nice nap?”

Sungjong looked up and saw Hoya sitting in the chair beside him.  “Yeah,” he said, carefully sitting up and putting Myungsoo back onto the bed carefully.  “Is he okay?”

“He was awake a little while ago,” Hoya said.  “He fell asleep again though.”

With a sigh, Sungjong took Myungsoo’s hand again and his bottom lip started to tremble slightly.  “I’m scared, hyung,” he suddenly whispered.  “I’m so scared of losing him.”

Hoya nodded slowly.  “I think that… he’s scared… of leaving us first,” Hoya said quietly. 

Sungjong looked over at him, his big eyes nearly unreadable as he reached out and took his hand.  “Are… you… hyung…”

Even though he didn’t say anything, Hoya nodded and that was enough for Sungjong.  Sungjong leaned into Hoya’s arms, hugging him tightly as he let out little cries into his shirt. 

They stayed like that, just quietly staying in each other’s arms, quiet comfort and strength filling each other.  It was peaceful until suddenly Myunsoo’s breath started hitching and his body jerked on the bed, his face twisting into an expression of pain.  Hoya and Sungjong both jumped up and were beside Myungsoo without hesitation. 

“Hyung, are you awake?” Sungjong asked urgently. 

Myungsoo’s eyes fluttered shut for a second before focusing on Sungjong’s face.  “Su-sung… j-jong-g… H… Hoya… I-I… need… you to… do some…thi...ng…”

“Okay, of course, anything,” Sungjong said quickly, because they would do anything for Myungsoo. 

Just as Myungsoo opened his mouth to tell him something, one of the machines next to Myungoo’s bed started to beep.  Hoya looked up at the machine, trying to figure out what it was telling them.

“Hyung!”

He looked back at Myungsoo and nearly screamed.  Myungsoo was thrashing around on the bed, gasping for air.  Sungjong was trying to keep Myungsoo from clawing at his chest as if there was something that he needed to get out.  His face was paler than two seconds ago and his eyes portrayed a world of pain he was in.

“No!  Myungsoo!  Are you okay?” Sungjong nearly yelled.  “Myungsoo!  Please!  Hyung, get a nurse!  Get help!”

Hoya nodded, nearly stumbling out of the room as he rushed out into the hall.  “Hyeji-noona!  Noona!  Help!”

Hyeji was laughing at something that her co-worker was saying to her, but the smile faded off her lips as she saw Hoya running out of Myungsoo’s room with panic written all over her face.  Immediately, she jumped up and hurried with Hoya back to Myungsoo’s room.  “What happened, Hoya?”

“I don’t know, he can’t breathe and he’s in pain,” Hoya explained, panic filling his chest.  “What’s going on?”

Hyeji didn’t answer, but just ran into Myungsoo’s room.  Sungjong was holding onto Myungsoo tightly as Myungsoo tried to gasp in enough air, his eyes filled with panic.  “Help!” Sungjong said desperately.  “Noona, please!”

She nearly shoved Sungjong out of the way as she bent over Myungsoo, taking his pulse quickly.  “Myungsoo.  Look at me.  Where’s the pain?  Myungsoo, tell noona where the pain is.”

Myungsoo couldn’t answer, his lips open in a silent cry for help.  His eyes landed on Sungjong and Hoya standing behind Hyeji, feeling helpless as they watched, and Myungsoo reached out for the two.  “H… ya… Jj…”

At that moment, another group of nurses came into his room and started shooing Hoya and Sungjong out of the room.  “Let us stay,” Sungjong begged.  “Please, he needs us.”

The only reply that they got was a shake of a head and the door was closed in their face. 

The last thing they saw was Myungsoo reaching out to them were panic and trust filled eyes before the door closed between them, leaving Sungjong and Hoya alone in the hallway, so close, but yet so far from their brother.

Sungjong was crying, loud sobs escaping his lips as they sat together on the chairs at the edge of the hall. 

Hoya shakily dialed the first number that he could think of.  The phone went to voice mail, he hould’ve realized, Dongwoo would probably be at that practice that he and Sunjong should be at. 

“Hy-hy-hyung… hyu-hyung…” Hoya stammered, feeling the tears burn in his eyes and choke his throat.  “Do… Dong-wo-woo-hyung… please pick up, come to the hospital, hyung.” 

His throat closed up and he felt Sungjong’s warms tears run down his neck, his own tears running down his cheeks.  “Dongwoo-hyung, come to the hospital, Myungsoo is…”

His phone fell out of his hands as suddenly Myungsoo’s door flew open and the nurses ran out of the room, wheeling Myungsoo out of the room on the bed, calling out instructions are they raced down the hall. 

Sungjong stumbled up and hurried after the group of nurses.  “Hyung!” Sungjong called out, trying to catch a hold of Myungsoo, but for the second time, Myungsoo slipped out of his grasp. 

Distantly, Hoya heard his phone ringing in the hall and he recognized his ringtone.  His phone was ringing on the ground. 

Putting his arm around Sungjong’s shoulders, he picked up his phone and shakily answered it, holding it up to his ear. 

“Hoya?  Hoya?  Are you there?  What’s going on?  Are you okay?  Hoya?” Dongwoo’s words are nearly blured in worried.

Hoya’s knees gave away from underneath him and he couldn’t keep Sungjong up anymore and they both sunk down to the ground.  Hoya could hardly speak, but his silence and Sungjong’s sobs spoke for them. 

“We’re coming.  Don’t worry,” Dongwoo said gently.  “Don’t worry.  We’ll be with you soon.  Hyung will be with you soon.  All of us will.”

He nodded slowly, taking in a deep breath as he closed his eyes while tears were streaming down his cheeks.  He was so near to Myungsoo, but he couldn’t be next to him. 

So close and yet so far… 

*cue evil laughter* 

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