~*~

Chapter X

“You’re going to be infinite.”

6월 11일

The first part of the ceremony was a blur.  Sungyeol couldn’t remember much of the part leading up to the funeral and the first bit.  They had arrived right after the press conference with only a few hitches in getting away from the crowds.  The fanchant that the Inspirits had started, had put a bit more hope into his heart and again, he realized how lucky he was to have the Inspirits.  When they arrived at the funeral house, it became a whole blur of faces and words about Myungsoo. 

The world steadied as Sungyeol sat down in the pew with the other members of Infinite, but soon, Sungyeol felt like it was being turned around again when he heard, “Now we will hear an eulogy from the members of Infinite.”

Slowly and unsurely, the six of members walked up to the front of the church.  It wasn’t the biggest crowd that Sungyeol had ever stood in front of, he knew he could speak in front of all of them, but seeing the faces of people who knew Myungsoo was different than seeing Inspirits’ faces. 

Once they found their spots, Woohyun stepped forward to start speaking.  “I’m Woohyun.  This is Dongwoo, Sungyeol, Hoya, Sungjong and Sunggyu.  We’re six of the members Infinite and Myungsoo made us seven and he made us Infinite. 

“Myungsoo asked us to give his eulogy and, at first, none of us wanted to, but somehow we’re here, giving Myungsoo’s eulogy.  I think that some of our reason was that Myungsoo would not shut up about it until we agreed to do it.”   

Sungyeol laughed at the memory of Myungsoo whinning and begging them to do it, but quickly straightened out, feeling slightly self consious.  Woohyun smiled at Sungyeol before continuing to speak.  “We didn’t know where to start, so we decided to make a list of things about Myungsoo for who is going to look after Myungsoo now that he’s gone.”

Woohyun glanced back at the others, asking once more if they were going to do this.  Sunggyu nodded and made a little guesture to make him get started.  With a little smile at Sunggyu’s impatience, Woohyun started to speak again, “The first thing is that Myungsoo was always very happy and bright, even though L is his opposite.  He held a lot of joy inside.  Don’t surpress his smile because his smile was the only thing that kept us going sometimes. 

“We are so often told that we needed to take pleasure in little things in life,” Woohyun continued.  “For us, it’s the days that we can eat as much as possible, or run around free.  Sometimes, I don’t think that I took the meaning in the big things in life… like Myungsoo.  He’s such a big part of my life, but it’s hard to realize how big of an impact that someone has on your life until they aren’t there to cover up the site of the impact.  Then you can see it with your own eyes and you want to say thank you, but you can’t… they’re gone.” 

Woohyun gives a little bow to the audience, before stepping back to stand beside Sunggyu as Hoya goes up to the poduim for his speech.  Sungyeol gives Woohyun a little smile and a little pat on his shoulder as Hoya starts to speak.  

“Number two,” Hoya said.  “Myungsoo is a little kid at heart.  Everyone looses a bit of childhood innocence each day until we don’t have any left, but somehow, Myungsoo kept all of it in his heart. 

“In many ways, Myungsoo was like a little kid,” Hoya continued, a little smile appearing as he spoke.  “He’s so instense when he concentrates on something that he wants to achieve, like his photography and singing.  He was scared of everything, like the scary movies the Sungjong and I like to watch, or the bugs that crawled into our first dorm.  But there was one thing that he was never afraid of.  He was never afraid to smile.

“That may sound strange, but sometimes, smiling is the hardest thing to do and every time, Myungsoo smiled.  If we were mad at him, he would try to smile and make us smile too, like an innocent boy. 

“Myungsoo was a little baby that everyone needed to take care of.”  Hoya paused and took a breath before finishing off his speech.  “I wish that we could’ve saved him from death too, but as long as someone takes care of him, he’s going to be okay.”

Sungyeol was slightly surprised that Dongwoo wasn’t crying yet, but it looked like anything could push Dongwoo into a sea of tears as he started speaking. 

“Please let him sing as loudly as he can because that’s what he really wants and so maybe I can hear him too,” Dongwoo said, his voice shaking slightly.  “Myungsoo sang a lot.  Even when we were not practicing, Myungsoo would always be muttering lyrics under his breath or singing as loudly as his voice would allow him.

“At the beginning, there were a lot of anti-fans that said that Myungsoo was only there for his face.  Myungsoo always set out everyday to prove that they were wrong.  Everyday he would sing and dance until he collasped and then the next morning, he would get up and do the same thing.  He proved the anti-fans wrong.  Myungsoo was in Infinite not only because of his face, but because he’s a part of us.  He’s Infinite.” 

Dongwoo’s eyes were wet with tears and he kept on sniffling, but he pressed on.  “Myungsoo worked so hard down here with us while we were Infinite, he fought so hard when he was trying to get back to us.  I-I h-hop-pe th-th-hat he’s re-resting w-w-well up in th-the h-heavens.” 

Dongwoo’s speech was punctuated by hicups and tears by the time he finished.  Hoya went up to his side and gently guided him back to line as Sungjong took Dongwoo’s place to start speaking. 

“To whoever is looking after Myungsoo-hyung now, take care of him well,” Sungjong said, his voice strong and clear.  “Myungsoo is someone who holds a lot of pain inside because he doesn’t want to hurt anyone around him. 

“I’m Infinite’s maknae and because I’m the maknae, I had six hyungs and now I only have five.  But before when I had six, they would always tease me and give me a lot of stress.  Myungsoo-hyung once said to me, ‘it’s okay now, I can take some of the burden, I can take some of the pain if you let me.’  I never let him because he had his own burden he was dealing with.”  Sungjong let out a shaky breath before continuing, his voice strong as before.  “Sometimes I didn’t realize how much pain that all of us held inside, it’s something that we all want to try to hide and not show each other, but it’s something that Myungsoo saw and wanted to help us with. 

“When he was in the hospital and receiving chemo, there was times that I just wanted to take the pain away in anyway possible.  Myungsoo was always the one who was protecting me, I wanted, just for a moment, to protect him instead.” 

Finally as Sungjong read aloud the last line, he let his defence slip a little and a few tears ran down his pale face.  “Protect Myungsoo because we can’t anymore and he’s someone everyone needs to take care of.”   

Sungjong bowed before returning to Dongwoo’s side, wiping off the tears.  Sunggyu was next as he slowly stepped up and pulled out the piece of paper with his speech on it. 

“Next on our list, if you’re ever going anywhere with Myungsoo, by car or by plane, let Myungsoo have the window seat.  He loves seeing the sky.  One of his favourite things to do was to sit by the window and watch the sun rise or set, or to watch the moon and the stars,” Sunggyu said, only loud enough so that everyone could hear him.  His eyes were glued on the sheet in front of him as he spoke.  “Whether it was when the rain fell down the windows or when white snow was falling from the sky, Myungsoo loved to watch the seasons change and fall around him.  Sometimes, it’s nice to know that the world keeps on going around even if you feel like you’re walking backwards.”

Sunggyu let out slow and shaky breath, collecting himself before continuing.  “I’ll never be able to forget this one time that I had with Myungsoo.  He took my hand and pointed up to the sky and said, ‘Hyung, up there beyond the clouds, there’s an infinity in front of our eyes.  Just like our name.  Someday, we’re going to be there.’”

Through the whole speech, Sunggyu had looked down at the piece of paper, and now he looked up, his eyes landing on Myungsoo’s casket on the partition beside them.  Sunggyu’s voice sounded strange as he spoke on last line, his voice, usually strong and confident, now wavering with tears and sadness.  “Now Myungsoo... is part of that infinity up there.  I bet he’s happy too.  He’s part of the infinity that he loved.”

With a full bow to the audience, Sunggyu sat back down with the others.  Woohyun nudged Sungyeol’s side, giving a little push forward.  Stumbling a little, Sungyeol stood at the podium.  His fingers trembled as he unfolded the piece of paper with his part of the speech on it. 

Even before he read the first line, his voice heavy with tears.  “Last on our list, Myungsoo doesn’t like being alone,” Sungyeol said, his voice to him barely seemed above a whisper.  “We all need our time to ourselves to unwind, but Myungsoo would always need to have someone near him at all times.  Please don’t leave him alone because now he’s somewhere we can’t be with him. 

“If Myungsoo is feeling sad, take his hand or give him a hug and that’s enough to make him smile again.” 

Sungyeol closed his eyes, his shoulder shaking with tears, remembering Myungsoo’s smile as he allowed him to give him a hug or hold onto his back.  Tears rolled down his cheeks and his whole body was shaking as he tried to finish his eulogy.  “Myungsoo-yah, I wish I could be the one who holds your hand when you’re lonely or give you hugs when you’re tired.  I miss you already, all of your annoying habbits and everything that made you Myungsoo…  I-I-I…” He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to stop the tears, but the tears still fell down his cheeks through his closed eyes. 

Small sobs left him feeling, lonelier than ever.  Suddenly, someone has their arms around Sungyeol, hugging him tightly as he cried.  Woohyun’s warmth filled his senses as he tried to stop his tears.  Sungyeol gripped the edges of the podium in front of him to steady himself out as Woohyun gently rubbed his arms, making little soothing noises in his ears. 

“You okay, Yeol?” he whispered, rocking him back and forth slightly as the crying died down to hiccups. 

Sungyeol nodded, trying to dry off his face from the tears.  “I’m good,” he mumbled, straightening up and wiping his eyes for the last time. 

Woohyun patted his back and turned to go stand beside Sungjong again as Sungyeol tried to pick off where he had left off in his speech. 

“I’m sorry, everything that I wrote down here is gone,” Sungyeol said, looking at the tear-stained paper.  “I guess I cry to much for my own good.”

The crowd ripppled with gentle laughter at Sungyeol’s weak joke.  Sungyeol smiled and pushed himself to go on.  “I wish that Myungsoo could be the one who’s laughing at me and the one who wipes off my tears.  But he isn’t.

“I wish that I could hold your hand now, Myungsoo.  I feel more alone than ever and I miss your hand in mine.  I hope there is someone who can take your hand now because I’m not there for you.  And you’re not here for me.” 

Taking a deep breath, Sungyeol closed his eyes and said the last line of Myungsoo’s eulogy.  “Wherever you are, Myungsoo-yah, somewhere between here and the stars, somewhere in my heart… thank you for everything.” 

~*~

Finally, the day was over now. 

When they arrived back at the dorm, it was only about 9 o’clock, but all of them were beyond exhasted.  Of course, before they had come back to the dorm way later than that.  Sometimes, coming back at 10 in the morning to freshen up for two hours then run to somewhere else.  Sometimes, especially before their world tour, they sacraficed every moment that they could be resting for practicing, resulting in days that they would be awake for three or four days in a row, but they had never felt so tired before.

Every time they had to do that, they all collasped into bed without much thought.  Just like all those times, all of them were now in bed… except for Sungjong.

Sungjong was lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling, not wanting to go to sleep.  He wasn’t prepared for Myungsoo’s death, he wasn’t sure if he believed that it was true yet.  

Quietly, not to distrub Sunggyu who was sleeping peacefully, Sungjong pulled out a picture frame from behind a stack of books, rubbing off the little bits of dust that had collected on it. 

A lot of the time, Myungsoo would run up to Sungjong and start snapping pictures of Sungjong.  One day, Sungjong insisted that he take pictures of Myungsoo instead of the other way around.  Myungsoo shook his head, holding his camera out of reach.  Sungyeol had joined them, taking Sungjong’s side, purposely taking the opposite side from Myungsoo.  Myungsoo was frowning, the battle was long lost when his two favourite members started to argue against him.  When the other four joined them, he had already lost.  They all gathered around Myungsoo and Sungjong and took a picture.  Their faces were all squashed into the frame, but all of them were smiling broadly. 

Sungjong let his fingers trail over Myungsoo’s smiling face in the picture. 

He wanted to tell Myungsoo something, say something to get the suffocating pain off his chest. 

Sungjong squeezed his eyes shut as tears threatened to leak out.

“Why, hyung, why…”

Their faces disappeared as tears burned his eyes and dripped down onto the picture.  He lay down on his bed, hugging the picture close to his chest.  The tears wouldn’t stop falling down his face as more sobs shook his body. 

“Why did you leave…”

A soft ray of sun shone down on his face as a final tear ran down his cheek again, sparkling in the sun’s rays.

Hi!  

Short(er) chapter, I couldn't figure out how to split up this and the last chapter so chapter IV turned out to be really long and this one ended up with the short end.  

Don't leave me yet!  I still have 2-5 chapters left depending on how I decide to carry out the rest of the story ^^  

Thank you for giving me comments!  Thank you everyone!  o^_^ 

PS anyone want to freak out about Bad with me?