Chapter 33
As she stepped through the door and outside, she looked around curiously. She’d gone to the building a couple of times but never on the roof deck. She had just then realized how beautiful it was up there. It had a small rock garden and the view of the city was just breathtaking. She walked towards the edge and leaned against the railing, enjoying the light breeze. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply, feeling relaxed.

After a couple of minutes, she heard the door open. She turned around and smiled at the newcomer.

“Sorry, I’m late,” Siwon greeted, smiling a little. “Manager hyung had to talk to me after rehearsals. I hope you don’t mind, I haven’t had the chance to shower yet.” He smiled a dimpled smile.

“It’s okay, oppa,” Jin Ri replied, chuckling. She leaned against the handrail and looked over the city. “It’s so beautiful up here.” She closed her eyes and sighed contentedly.

“Listen, the reason I wanted to talk,” he hesitantly began after a couple of seconds. She opened her eyes and looked expectantly at him. “I’ve been meaning to apologize for—.”

“Oppa,” she instantly interrupted him.

“For everything,” he interrupted her back. “I should have known better—actually, I know better and yet…” He sighed. “I’m really sorry, Jin Ri. I should have been the first to help you.” He reached for her hand and squeezed it gently.

She smiled brightly at him and gave him a hug. “You’re a good friend, oppa. You’re a good person and you did what you thought was right. Like what I told Eunhyuk oppa, Kyuhyun is most important. It was just fair that you stuck by his side.”

“Still…” He shook his head. He truly regretted not being someone who was able to see past the anger. Taking a deep breath, he turned to her. “How’s everything with you?” he then asked once they put that behind them. “I never get the chance to talk to you. It’s always Hyukkie, Minnie or Wookie, even Chullie who’s talking to you.”

She chuckled. “I’m doing well. I did a shoot the other day for the calendar of f(x) and SHINee. I missed those kids,” she shared, smiling as thought about how hyper they were and how fun it was to work with them.

“We should take photos together some time,” he suggested. “I haven’t taken photos in a while. I miss it.”

“We should,” she agreed. She brightened up as a sudden idea popped into her head. “Hey, oppa, maybe you could be our wedding photographer. Ours backed out last week and we’ve been having a hard time finding one that we really like…” She trailed away when Siwon’s expression changed. “I mean, if you think it’s inappropriate, I’d totally understand.”

“Do you love him?” he questioned frankly.

“Of course I do,” she answered unwaveringly, but she didn’t meet his eyes.

“Do you love him the way you love Kyuhyun?” he pressed, watching her closely.

Her hand moved to her necklace. “I don’t think it’s possible to love anyone else the way I love Kyuhyun,” she admitted softly.

“Then why are you marrying him?” he demanded. “And don’t give your father or your business as a reason.”

“It’s just easier this way,” she responded resignedly. “I’m not as strong as you.”

He let out a breath as he leaned his arms on the railing. “I’m not as strong as you think I am.”

“What do you mean?” she asked curiously, looking at him.

“Her name was Stella,” he shortly narrated after a pause. “We were together for over two years back when I was still a trainee. We broke up just before I debuted into Super Junior.” He clasped his hands tight and stared at one of the tall buildings.

“What happened?” she cautiously asked, sensing that it was a sensitive subject. She’d never known that he had a girlfriend in the past. She’d never even thought about him having one for some reason. He wasn’t like some of the other members who went out on dates once in a while. He just seemed to be the type to wait for the right girl to come along.

“She was the price I had to pay in order for me to debut,” he softly explained. “My parents didn’t like her for me so they gave me an ultimatum. If I was going to disobey them and follow my dream, I had to give her up.” He smirked and shook his head, bowing it a bit. “I was all ready to throw debuting away because I loved her but she didn’t want me to give up my dream because of her. She broke up with me and moved away.”

“Oppa,” she started, touching his arm to give some comfort.

He lifted his head up and met her eyes. “I regret that decision every day. I regret that I didn’t stop her, that I didn’t fight for her. I loved her and should have been able to fight for her no matter what.” He paused and took a deep breath. “I haven’t heard from her until this day. I can’t find her anymore.”

Jin Ri averted her gaze from his. Tears stung her eyes as his story hit close to home, which, she was sure, was the reason why he shared it with her. She blinked a couple of times, not wanting to cry.

“I don’t want you to make that mistake, Jin,” he went on, touching her arm and making her look at him again. “I don’t want you to regret not fighting for him because, one day, he’s going to move on completely or he’ll just be gone… and you are going to regret it for the rest of your life.”

“Fighting for love… don’t you think if it’s the right love, you wouldn’t have to fight for it?” she reasoned.

“Everyone fights for love,” he countered definitely. “Because it’s worth it, because, in the end,” and he looked straight into her eyes as he said this, “love is and will always be enough.”

~ * ~

“Everything okay?”

Jin Ri turned around, turning away from the window, and smiled at Donghae. He put an arm around her and they looked out of the window together. She had been in deep thought ever since Siwon had talked to her. It unsettled her. She thought she had decided on what she wanted, that she was going to be with Shin Jae. But now, after all that talk about regrets, she didn’t know anymore. Sighing, she realized it didn’t matter, if Kyuhyun was able to move on, she should, too. Donghae ruffled her hair, noticing that she was starting to space out.

“You guys have the most amazing view of the city,” she remarked.

“Your apartment has a good view too,” he reminded her.

“If you had the chance to live anywhere in the world, where would you choose?” she asked, glancing at him interestedly.

He looked at her as if she had asked a weird question. “Here,” he answered without pause. “Everyone that I care about is right here. Why would I want to live anywhere else?”

Shrugging and looking out of the window once more, she responded, “I don’t know.”

He sighed and pulled her close to him. “You think too much,” he scolded her a little. “If you want something to happen, you should stop thinking about it and just do it. And don’t run away from them.”

“It’s not that simple,” she countered, shaking her head.

“Who said that things should be simple?” he directly rejoined. He looked at her and smiled a little. “But you make things a little too complicated. You know what you want. I know you know what you want,” he stated, raising his eyebrows at her when she opened to say something counteracting. “Why don’t you just do it?” When she merely frowned, he chuckled and ruffled her hair. 

“By the way, I almost forgot to tell you,” he suddenly remembered. “We’re going to Jeju Island.”

“Really? All of you?” she inquired, smiling, relieved at the sudden change of subject. She knew how the boys had wanted to go on vacation for quite some time now.

“Not all,” he denied, shaking his head. “But I mean we.” He gestured back and forth between the two of them.

“What?” she sputtered in surprise. “I’m going with you guys? Since when? Why?”

“You sound like you don’t want to hang out with us.” He crossed his arms across his chest, looking offended.

“Oppa, you know that’s not true,” she responded, looking amused at his reaction. “But I don’t know if I would be able to go. I’ll have to check with Shin Jae. With the wedding so close, I don’t think—.”

“I’ve already cleared it with your fian—with him,” he amended himself, making a face, which she chose to ignore.

“You talked to Shin Jae?” she clarified. When he nodded, she continued, “Since when did you guys all talk to him? First Siwon oppa, now you.” She looked truly baffled. As far as she knew, no one was on speaking terms with him because, well, they saw him as the enemy.

“So you’ll go, right?” he asked, ignoring her question. “I mean, you have no choice. So you have to start packing when you get home because we leave tomorrow morning. You can’t back out anymore because we already have everything ready, the tickets, everything. You can’t back out.”

“Doesn’t seem like I have a choice,” she muttered. “May I ask who’s coming?”

“Me, you, Hyukkie, Mimi and…” He hesitated then shrugged. “That’s it.”

She shot him a suspicious look. He chuckled and ruffled her hair once more. “Pretty Riri,” he cooed just so he could change the subject.

Her eyes shot up towards him. “Riri?”

“Can’t I call you that?” he asked, scratching his head, but secretly elated that he was successful with the subject changing.

“You can call me whatever you want, I suppose. I can’t really stop you. But no one outside of the family has called me that. It sounds a bit… weird,” she honestly said, chuckling a little.

“We’re family, right?” he innocently asked. She smiled at him. “Actually, there’s this nickname I want to call you but can’t do so until you realize things and until it happens.”

“What is it?” she asked warily.

He shook his head. “We’ll all just have to wait and see.” He paused for a second, looking at her seriously. “All you have to do is stop running away.”

~ * ~

Jin Ri opened the medium-sized bag and began putting some clothes in. She then opened her closet and wondered what else she should bring. It was already Spring, but it still felt a bit cold. She really didn’t know why they were going to Jeju Island in this time.

“What are you doing?” a voice called from the doorway of her room.

“Packing,” Jin Ri answered, turning around to face her cousin.

Sun Young walked into the room and sat down on the bed, going through the clothes she had put inside her bag. “Why?”

“Apparently I’m going to Jeju Island,” Jin Ri shared, chuckling as she turned her attention back to her closet. She picked out two sweaters and put them in the bag.

“In this cold weather?” Sun Young clarified, smiling a little as she stared at her cousin’s back.

Jin Ri shrugged, moving back towards the bed and folding the clothes that were placed there. “Don’t ask me. I don’t really have a choice in the matter,” she stated.

Sun Young chuckled then turned her attention to her music player. “What are you listening to? Is this Ryeowook oppa?” She stood up and took a look at the CD case that was resting on top of the player.

“Hey, can you take a look at the lyrics?” Jin Ri asked, suddenly remembering what Eunhyuk requested of her.

“Why? I don’t see any—.” Sun Young stopped abruptly then looked at Jin Ri, who was giving her a curious look.

“What?” Jin Ri demanded.

“Nothing,” Sun Young responded, all too suspiciously. She placed the CD case on the bed and left the room. “I’ll just go and get something to eat.”

“Why is everyone so weird these days?” Jin Ri asked, grabbing the CD and taking a look at the lyrics of Ryeowook’s song.

She scanned the lyrics, wondering what it was that Eunhyuk wanted her to see that Sun Young obviously had seen but just didn’t want to tell her. She had moved towards the music player to put the CD case back when she stopped in her tracks.

Smile Again
Lyrics by Cho Kyuhyun

She sat down on the edge of the bed and started to read the lyrics slowly.

From the heart stabbed by a pungent love
Your dropping tears are burning my heart

I can’t forget that slender trembling of my two hands
When you staggered to grab them

Smile again
Still vivid even in the dark
Like a tattoo, the sad shadow that you left behind
I will erase it

Your scattering tears
Like a rain that doesn’t seem to stop
Are seeping in, pricking my heart
For the heart that got a cut from love
to flash a smile, I will protect
the only person that lives for me
That’s you

Smile again
Still vivid even in the dark
Like a tattoo, the sad shadow that you left behind
I will erase it

Your scattering tears
Like a rain that doesn’t seem to stop
Are seeping in, pricking my heart
For the heart that got a cut from love
to flash a smile, I will protect
the only person that lives for me

Hurting memories that have turned into bruise
If they ever call out for you again
Please hold my hands, that only thing is enough for me
The moment when that deep wound is healed
Please look at
the only person that lives for you
That’s me

“Oh Kyuhyun,” she whispered, her eyes shining with tears.

~ * ~

“Ya!” Eunhyuk yelled across the airport as soon as they saw Jin Ri, carrying her bag. “What took you so long?” 

He and Donghae approached her with the latter fish getting her bag and carrying it himself. Jin Ri smiled weakly and apologized, pushing her shades up on the bridge of her nose.

“Are you alright?” Donghae asked.

“Fine,” she muttered. “Just didn’t get that much sleep.”

“Why?” Eunhyuk wanted to know as they neared the waiting area, where Zhoumi was guarding the bags and happily waiting for her.

She merely shrugged. It was those lyrics’ fault. She had played it a couple of times more after she listened to it the first time. It pierced her heart and it didn’t help the Ryeowook sang it with so much feeling. It made her miss Kyuhyun even more than she ever had in the past months they’d been apart. It was a good thing she was going on a mini vacation. She needed to get away and put things in perspective and seeing Kyuhyun wouldn’t help with that. If she saw him again, she didn’t know what she would do, probably run towards him and kiss him. To add to that, she still hadn’t found her engagement ring and she still hadn’t told Shin Jae that she lost it for it would probably make him upset or worse, hurt.

“Jin Ri!” Zhoumi greeted cheerfully, giving her a hug as soon as she reached him.

“Mimi,” she greeted back, chuckling. She glanced at Eunhyuk and Donghae, who had placed her bag on one of the seats, and were now sitting beside each other, whispering. “I guess we’re sitting beside each other.”

“Uh yeah,” Zhoumi agreed, exchanging a glance with the two other boys. “Sure.”

In the airplane, Donghae and Eunhyuk stuck together, deciding to take the middle aisle seats, while Jin Ri took the window seat with Zhoumi beside her. After putting their bags on the overhead compartments, she settled into the seat and made herself comfortable. She brought out her sleep mask and slipped it on.

Zhoumi watched in amusement as she covered her eyes and got ready to sleep. “The plane hasn’t even taken off and yet you’re sleeping already. So much for sitting together,” he teased.

“It’s a one hour ride,” she reminded him. “I need to sleep now so I can be good company later when we get there.” She yawned, leaning her head on his right shoulder. “I’m really tired.”

He was quiet for a couple of seconds before saying, “Hang on, I need to get something from my bag.” She lifted her head up and rested it on the headrest, while he stood up to get his stuff.

She was halfway through dreamland when she felt his hand on her head, moving it to let her rest it on his shoulder once more. She snuggled closer to him, her hair caressing his neck. Suddenly, she quietly giggled. “Kyuhyun,” she mumbled fuzzily. “You smell like Kyuhyun.”

With a soft sigh, he reached for her left hand and brought it to his lips.