Make the Right Choi!- Pocpocpockii - request completed by RiverFawn

Here we go! Sorry it took so long. By the way, I love your title ^^

OC- 5/30

Soo Bin? Umm… meh. She seems like a pretty generic character to me. There aren’t really any moments of uniqueness. You can warm her personality up or make it colder; give her a soft spot, give her interests and reactions other than sarcastic or unhappy replies. There are so many things you can do with your OC to mold her into a realistic, vivacious person of her own.

Same with Soo Mi. So far she seems like the typical gold-digging spoilt chick. Does she have weaknesses? Flaws, good points and interests? When she has to leave her house, there isn’t much sign of emotion except for a bit of shallow annoyance. When a character does something, ask yourself the question, ‘did the character have a purpose behind their actions or was it just to create unnecessary drama?’

Plot and Cliches- 5/30

The idea overall isn’t quite that original. ‘Bad’ twin comes to mess up ‘good’ twin’s life is a pretty used plot idea, and so is ‘a girl’s twin decides to steal her crush/boyfriend/lover’.

As well, the whole ‘meeting your childhood friend of the opposite gender’ thing is way overused. And at the same time that her mother goes bankrupt and her jerk twin decides to come over? Pretty coincidental. Oh, and the ‘your childhood friend is now y and has changed completely’ thing, too.

K-Pop Characters- 4/10

Ooh, I just loved Seulgi’s personality. Quirky and snarky, she captured my heart from the beginning. But sometimes, she was too quiet. She seems like a person with a strong set of reactions, but sometimes she didn’t react at all. You’ve got to think, when you write a scene, how each character is going to react to the events that are about to unfold.

Chanyeol pretty much just seems like the generic nice-guy/big brother type. He’s a sweetheart and all, but just in general, not very interesting.

Kris is just inconsistent; he’s rude one second and sweet and caring the other. I get it that he has personality and a past, but it seems too choppy and brushed over, like he’s just there to create some drama in the story.

Grammar- 16/30

Your grammar was alright. There were a couple of mistakes, including:

Gender switches: You sometimes made small errors such as writing ‘his’ instead of her’. Nothing too serious. For example:

‘Her roommate, Seulgi laid comfortably with his feet up…’

Switches of tense, from present to past tense or vice versa. For example:

Missing punctuation, as well as capitalizing the word after someone says something. For example:

‘"What's wrong?" She asked playing with what seemed to be a very interesting ball of rubber bands.’

First step: missing punctuation. Add a comma between asked and playing. It’s like joining the two sentences, ‘‘"What's wrong?" She asked’, and ‘She played with what seemed to be a very interesting ball of rubber bands.’ Therefore, a comma should be inserted there.

It should then be:

‘"What's wrong?" She asked, playing with what seemed to be a very interesting ball of rubber bands.’

Another example:

"Love you too." She replied careful of her words.

There should be a comma between ‘replied’ and ‘careful’.

Second step: general grammar rules. For this, we use the first part of the sentence.

‘"What's wrong?" She asked.’

This should be:

‘"What's wrong?" she asked.’

The second example:

"Love you too." She replied.’

There should not be a period there, and ‘she’ should not be capitalized. It should be:

"Love you too," she replied.’

Hopefully you understand ^^; Sorry for not being clear~ Here’s a website for you to look at that explains it quite lucidly. http://learn.lexiconic.net/dialoguepunctuation.htm

Overall: 30/100, or 30%. Hopefully, my review was useful ^^ If you especially loved our review and have some leftover or unneeded karma you can donate to user CelestialRose if you want. It’s definitely not an obligation, though! :3