Another Update:)

Jaejoong’s POV

Last night was a good night. Though I can’t really remember the details but it was just great. The way he held my body, I could feel his love for me. I felt him my hair and I gave a smile and muttered, “Yunho…”

My eyes opened and I saw this set of eyes that held no judgment on me, just love. He just continued looking down at me. Not today, today I do not want to play pretense, I felt that today is a good time to face reality and snap us all out of this mess. But how many times have I said this?

I bit my lips before saying, “Changmin.” as I sat up.

“ Lets not do this today. Maybe not anymore. You should get yourself someone that loves you. There is no need for you to fill his place.” Though I know that this is the countless times that I have told him this, but it does not hurt any less for him as I saw the emotions that flickered in his eyes. It hurts me too that he is hurting when I am the one inflicting pain on him.

“ I have you by my side and that’s enough. I know that its difficult for you that Yunho hyung is no longer with you but I am willing to help you out of this, Jae. I love you.” I heard the desperate tone in his voice as he tried to convince both of us that whatever we were doing is right.

My eyes are glistening with tears. I know that Changmin’s words were sincere but this is not how things will turn out to be. If Yunho were to find out… I dared not think of this prospect. Yunho, disappointment, his rage. Yunho can never know thus I have to end this today.

“ Changmin, you know my love for you,” I started to say but Changmin cut me off.

“ I know Jae. Sometimes I think I know you better that you know yourself. Don’t delude yourself and be afraid of what Yunho Hyung will think. Are you really that naïve to think that he still cares about you?”

All I see from Changmin’s face is disappointment. Disappointment that I still do not believe what he said. I know that it took him a lot to say those words for fear of hurting me. But part of me does not want to believe. Part of me is really that naïve to think that Jung Yunho still cares about me. And the whole of me really want to believe that.

Changmin started packing up and getting dressed. On his way out of the door, he told me that he prepared breakfast for me. I just walked out after him and plopped myself in the seat. Putting the scrambled egg into my mouth. It did not taste like anything in particular to me. Not egg, not anything else, just tasted like unrequited love.

There is a great improvement this time round, at least no tears were shed and I didn’t go begging for Changmin to be Yunho for a day. This is an improvement.

Changmin’s POV

It hurts, it really does hurt. I am willing to compromise, to be Yunho hyung to Jae. I really hated those words that were about to come out of his mouth. It is not like I didn’t hear it before. I know; he just loves me like a younger brother.

I stepped onto the accelerator as my thoughts flew to Jaejoong once again. However, it is not of anger but of concern. I was afraid that he wouldn’t be able to take in the harsh words that I said. I am starting to regret as I reached out for my phone. No, I controlled myself. I cannot always be the one that is giving. Giving in to him whenever he felt that he needed Yunho by his side. I chuckled to myself. How degrading this is. But I am proud of him when I reached for my phone and did not see any phone call or message from him. Usually by now, he would have contacted me. Wanting me to drop whatever I am doing and go to his side to be Hyung. I am proud that he is strong, cause he is my Jae. But yet again, the less dependent he is on Hyung, the less time I have with him. This is so complicated. Wanting him to be strong but yet the selfish part of me is surfacing.

That I am willing to go to so much length, forgo my dignity and ego as a man for Jae. I just wish that he would stop pushing me away, even if it meant that we would continue our lives like this. I don’t need anyone else, just him.

I stepped into the house. It was not a big house by any means but it has the warmth of a family and it is cozy. I am quite sure that Jae will like it here but this will never be his life even though he wants it so bad. I hate it that i will always think of Jae first. Just hoping that for once, he will see me on equal standing as Yunho Huyng. I really do envy him, getting Jae’s unconditional love when all he does is to hurt him.

“ Changmin, you are here. Hyerim is still preparing lunch,” Yunho Hyung said to me. I tried hard to control my emotions so that my eyes do not give away anything. I cant give anything away cause I am sure that once Yungo Hyung were to find out, he will force his way back into Jae’s life. Not when I have spent so much time and effort to create a safe haven for Jae. I am not going to let Hyung just tear it down.

Today, I am having my weekend lunch at Yunho Hyung’s house. We will use this time to catch up since we hardly have any work together and we no longer live in the dormitory.

Hyung started the conversation, “Changmin, how’s Jaejoong?” As I looked at him without answering, he took it as I was annoyed at his question and I felt that looking after Jae for him is a burden. No, that was not going through my mind, I was just trying to think of those details that I am supposed to say without giving away too much.

I contemplated while I said, “ Jaejoong Hyung is fine, and we will sometimes meet up to have lunch outside.” And I paused. I caught a glance from Yunho Hyung. I knew what was going through his mind at that time but I feign pretense. I wanted him to ask me. To see if he still dares to ask me this in my face. I clenched my fist and tried to control my anger. The only reason why my fist is not on his face now is just for the mere fact that he is my hyung that I look up to.

“ Is he fine without me?” I know it took a lot for him to ask me that. But was it not cause he wanted Jae to get use to life without him that is why he got me to take care of him? Only wanting him when he is whole and discarding him like trash when he is broken. Hyung is a selfish man. I told him that Jae is perfectly fine, and that he is very contented with his life now. Why would Jae be unhappy? He has a happy family to go home to everyday. But sadly, he never does. But it doesn’t matter cause Yunho Hyung will never know the truth. Technically, I will say that Jae is happy without him. There are many times that I see Jae smiling at me like I am the only sunshine in his life. The smile and twinkle in the eye that is always reserved for that one person.

I can let Jae be happy; I can let Jae see me as the only one in his life. If only he lets me, let me be Hyung. It is a small price to pay. At that moment, I am just filled with hatred and envy towards this very man that my Jae loves with all his life.

- To be Continued -