I don’t have any female friends. Iwas practically raised by four rockers. It is little wonder that I have no interest in shopping. Last night was the first time I wanted to owned a dress a beautiful and y one. This baby sometimes making me lose my mind.

All I want is to feel pretty, but I don’t want to lose who I am. I don’t want designer dresses. I would probably throw up if I spent more than a hundred dollars on an outfit. So  I ended up at the mall.

At a mall on  a Wednesday in a tourist city?yeah that was a good idea.NOT!

Do you have any idea how many teenage girls are at a mall on wednesday during the summer? Well I sure as hell didn’t and I was positive that Yonghwa hadn’t had a clue either. So when we walked into mall, the sales girl standing with folded shirt in her hands screamed. I nearly jumped out of my skin because I hadn’t been expecting it.

“Oh God, Oh My God, Geez, I have a beautiful and best dream in my entire life.” The girl was in front of Yonghwa before I could even figure  where the scream had come from. “you’re Jung Yonghwa, right?” she screamed again, causing everyone in the store and outside to stop and see what was going on. “I am your biggest fan ever, I’m Mikami.”

I knew then and there that I was not going to get any shopping done that day. It seemed like as soon as Mikami said his name aloud he was surrounded by panting girls. One actually pushed me out of the way so that she could get to him. Hands were all over him, wanting to touching the rocker who probably stared in their immature wet dreams.

I have had to hide my feeling for Yonghwa for years now. Even it’s killing me, I never let anyone see how much having those sl*t touch him or even sleep with him bothered me. I was not able to hide behind those walls that I had built for times like this. I was pregnant with his baby, for fcuks sake! And he had spent hours making me come apart in his arms just the night before.

So while he grinned, laughed, give them fanservice and let them touch him, I turned and walked away. Jealousy ate at me like a disease and I was so fcuking mad at him for letting them touch him and push me out like I was invisible and insignificant. A more rational part of my brain tried to excuse it. Attempted to make me see that he was just playing the part, hamming it up for his fans. But when it came to most of the females that CNBLUE fans I wondered if they even listened to their music?or it was just about getting in a hot rocker’s bed? From I witnessed over the years the latter was more along the lines of the truth than the former.

My phone started playing Tatto by CNBLUE and I glared down at the damn thing in my hand seeing Yonghwa’s face grinned at me on the screen of my Samsung Note III( which I’ve got because the guys being the brand ambassador for Samsung). Instead of answering I got in the escalator and went up to second floor. I couldn’t face him  right now. There was no telling what I would have done if I saw him right at the moment.

Slap his overly handsome face?knee him in their lil’ brother right down there? Or confess I was obsessively in love with him?No way I would do that. It was bad enough that he knew how much I wanted him, the lengths that I had stooped to just to get in his pants.

“Hyunnie?” I didn’t look over the rail when I heard him screaming frantically calling my name from the ground level. Let him worry for a while. Give him five minutes and he would surrounded by girls again and I would just be an afterthought. Fcuk that and fcuk him!!

A store caught my attention and I went in without thinking about it now this was my kind of store. There was a moody girl behind the er who raised her head to frown at me when I walked in.  She had some kind of rock magazine on the counter in front of her and after deciding that I wasn’t worth her time went back to the article in front of her.

I got lost in buying clothes, y black, red, white and gold with matching bras. White lace dress,black scalloped lace dress, black and yellow printed knit dress, baby yellow blouse with white shorts, hot pink top with skirt and shirt dress in ice cream print who fitted in this lovely summer. Shoes, shoes, and more shoes that went with all my simple but y outfits.

I made sure to get everything a size bigger so that I would have a little room to grow since my pregnancy was going to start showing soon. And when I tried on shoes I found that a size bigger and wider were needed, but that didn’t surprise me. I had read about some women’s feet growing like that when they were pregnant. It was weird but true.

The girl behind the counter gave me a long look as I tossed my stuff up on the counter top and she asked me. “did you find what you were looking for?”

I took in her dyed black hair, the piercings, and the tattoo of CNBLUE on her right wrist and I felt like found a kindred spirit. If I know this girl growing up she would have most likely ended up my best friend. “ all I have are jeans and stupid CNBLUE shirt. It was time for a change”

The girl’s eyes turn into slit” CNBLUE shirts are not stupid. I have six of them.”

“then you must have a good taste in music. But I need something that screams y and womanly woman, not some groupies or rocker girl next door.” She started ringing up my clothes and I turned to jewelry rack behind me.. there were cheap little things but they were beautiful. A “body” collar necklace with polished gold plate and in the form of woman arched body caught my attention and I tossed it on the counter with the rest of my things. Black falling star articulated ring was next and found several that I liked, some earring and I was done.

There were eight bags full by the time the girl was finished scanning my things into the computer. I handed over the credit card and watched the girl’s eyes bulge when she saw the name on the card. “ Jung YongHwa?” she sputtered and gave me a closer look. “ it is you. I thought you looked familiar. You’re Seo Juhyun!.’

I smiled at her. “ yes.”

“ you have to be coolest girl in the fcuking world.” She swiped the card before giving it back. “ I love that poster of CNBLUE with you at the center between Jung Yonghwa and Lee Jonghyun. Darn I would kill to be you.”

That made me smile disappear. “No, you wouldn’t.” I assured her. My life might be perfect now, but no one would ever wish for the lilfe that I have had had growing up. No one deserved than kind of nightmare.

There was a commotion outside the store and I turned to find three security guards standing outside with a pale and frantic looking Yonghwa. I glance down at my phone and saw that I had been in the store for more than an hour. Holy crap. “Yonghwa Oppa!” I called out as he started to pass the store.

His head snapped around and he moved quicker than I had ever seen him as he entered the store and hugged me. His entire body was shaking, his fingers trembling as they knotted in my hair and jerked my head back to meet his dark brown eyes. “ Don’t you ever fcking dare do that to me again!”

Most of my anger had faded while I was shopping so I stood and gave him peck on the tip of his nose. “figured you were having fun with the fan club that you wouldn’t even miss me.”

His eyes narrowed.” Where you jealous?”

I pulled away from him and turned to the girl behind the counter who was gazing at Yonghwa in wonder. It didn’t bother me this time. I knew this girl was true fan of the band. I saw her nametag and gave her an appreciative smile. “ Thank for the help Kiko. Yonghwa, Kiko has been so much help today. I spent more without even realizing it.”

Yonghwa raised a brow but offered the girl his boyish smile. “  Thanks for your help, Kiko.”

I pulled out one of the tops that I just had bought, a baby yellow blouse, and reach for the  marker on the counter beside of the computer. I wrote my name across the back and handed the marker to Yonghwa without looking at him. “ write down your address for me and I will send you that poster you like so much with the guys autographs on it.”

“That…That would be awesome..Thank you so much.” She smiled ear to ear now.

I shrugged watching her scribble across a small piece of paper. “it’s nothing. I like meeting real cnblue fans. Thanks again.” Yonghwa snatched up the eight bags and followed me out the store with a wink at the girl.

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