-8 months later-

" Maria ! where are we going ?"

"to the club ! Come on you've been training all day. Singing Practice from 6 - 12 . Then dance practice from 1- 7. Besides I hear your returning to Korea tomorow."

"yea... Lets just go out for a movie . You always intend to bring me to a club to introduce me to a guy that i dont want to meet. I told you , I'm not looking for a relationship."

"I know , i know . I just want to discover myself blah blah blah. Lets get a couple drinks then."

"fine."

Its been 8 months since my departure from Korea. Its been a lot of fun. I have recently finished my drama , and now im just training. I've met a lot of nice people here in America. Like Maria. She is my dance instructor. Always trying to hook me up with some guy though. She doesn't know much about me , but she sure has been loyal through out this journey of mine.  Tomorow i go back to Korea and once again am a member of SNSD . But i feel that I haven't followed through with my goals . Initialy i just wanted to get away from Donghae, and figure who I wanted to be. But I still don't know who I want to be , and I haven't exactly gone a day without thinking about him. I've tried to keep myself busy with singing and dancing , then filming and modelling.  I guess the real test will be tomorow when i return. I will be participating in SM's Family concert In Seoul. 

I have no idea whats going back in Korea. when i got over here i changed my numbers and have stayed off the internet. i sincerely do miss all my members but i left on such a sour note , i wonder if they have forgiven me. I brushed it off and went out with Maria.

" So I read somethings on the web " Maria said while sipping her coctail.

" I dont want to hear about it . I don't want to know how much the world hates me. My trip to America is suppose to be a Korea free one."

"but you WANT to know sica."

"fine. If its not something i want to know i'll hurt you"

" The dating rule has been lifted for SNSD members !"

" yea soo... I knew that."

" AND some of the girls are dating ... some certain guys..."

"i dont want to know more. When I get back I'll find out then , but for now you can buy me another round figuring im leaving tomorow !"

I tried to end the conversation as soon as I could . I didn't want to know anymore . I would be heartbroken to find out YoonA was dating donghae again. At the same time i'd be happy for them... I really am your typical girl - crazy.

The next morning I woke with a massive head ache. This is why I never go out with Maria. She drinks more then I do , and thats saying something. As I Boarded the plane. I sat there and though to myself. what  have i learned on this trip ? I learned that as hard as I try i do love donghae. I've met tons of good looking , kind, gentle men . But none of them had the charm donghae did. None of them could make me stop thinking of Hae. so when i get back to Korea ... I need to try. When the plan landed. I rushed out , picked up my bag. Put on my Sunglasses and a huge smile. I'll show Korea I've come back a new girl. 

I hailed a taxi. Then realised i had no where to go. I still have an hour before the concert starts. So I decided to call up a friend I knew could always be loyal to me. 

" AHHHHH SICA ! Sit . Lets talks When'd you get back ?!" A tiny little Goo Hara asked me,

" Just now . Your the first person I've come to see."

"and im guessing theres a reason for that."

"Well I do love you Hara but ... I kinda wanted to ask you to fill me on ALL the gossip thats been going on.... or more or less the ones i would care for "

" I see how it is , but since I love you I'll tell you. So SNSD has begun dating. Not a lot of the members are dating. Just Hyo , Seo , Soo , and YoonA."

" whos yonnA dating..."

" shes dating some actor guy . "

" Oh thats cute , i  guess im relieved that shes not dating Dong---"

"about hae... He's dating someone. Im sorry Sica."

" I want to ask who but I'm a little worried. So don't tell me. I'm late for the concert anyways. I'll talk to you later."

I kept telling myself on the plane that I would be a new person. Even though Hae is dating someone . That shouldn't change anything. Instead I'm going to walk into that arena and show him and everyone a new Sica.  As I arrive at the arena , I start shaking. I suddenly don't want to go in. the members what if they still hate me? What if everyone thinks im a bad person , and hates me now. I'm not ready for that.20 minutes later , i collect my thoughts and get out of the car. Walking towards the back stage doors. I put my hand on the knob , and twist. I don't see anyone... As I head for the SNSD change rooms , i still dont see anyone.I guess there all on stage practicing already. I see the makeup table and sit myself down . Even the make up artists arent here. I grab my costume on the rack and change. i apply the makeup myself ,and do my hair. I still haven't run into anyone... I guess no one had really expected me to be here after all. I walk over to the stage , and look around its pitch black. By now I'm scared.Suddenly a spotlight appears in front of me. 

Some Sones were in the crowd , and the rest of SMtown family was there. I dropped on my knees. there was a huge poster that read WELCOME HOME SICA. I didn't think they cared yet they;ve prepared something so extreme. I quickly wiped my tears of happiness as YoonA walks over to me and grabs me into a hug.

" welcome back Sica. We all missed you."

" We weren't very happy you changed your number and didn't respond to emails though !" Krystal yelled.

I only laughed , i love the smtown family ! There was a cake .  We all ate and then i realised some one was missing. yoonA saw me looking around. She knew.

" he's in his change room. go find him. I'll clean up ."

"thanks Yoong."

I ran towards hae's change room. Not evne thinking about why he wasn't there. Maybe he didn't want to see me. But i didn't care, i just needed to tell him how I felt , even if that meant being rejected. I reached the change room and walked in.  I saw him his face it was shocked to see me. 

" hi." I puffed from running so quickly 

"hi." he replied , i certanitly didn't plan what to say , because now I had no idea. I stood there hoping he would say something.

"your back Jessica?"

"yea. Look i think this might be to late... but can I take you up on that Coffee offer? "

"the one from 8 months ago?"

"thats the one..."

"I'm busy , i really can't Im sorry Jessica."

"I see. One more question though. --- Who are you dating?"

" wo--"

"nevermind i don't want to know. Look Donghae -- I went to America , to figure some things out. and one thing I've realised is that no matter how much I try I can't forget you. You were the one who cared for me despite knowing me for so long. You mended my broken heart that Jay had given me. So yea , I can't forget you , and maybe just maybe I do love you. Even though your dating someone now , I can honestly say I wish you the best with whom ever she is. She is a lucky girl . And this time around I wont ruin things for you. But tell me even if there is a small percent of you who loves me , tell me. Cause i'll wait. If not then don't say anything , and let me move on with my life. I refuse to love a man who is happy with another women for the rest of my life..."

How much I wish you would just speak up now . How much I wish you would tell me theres a chance for me and you to be together... But there wasn't you didn't say anything. Not even an acknowledgement. I got your message donghae dont worry , i got it loud and clear.

" I wish you the best Hae. Be happy ." I said and left.