Exactly when my plane arrives , I take a taxi straight to the Sm building. In the taxi I pull out a heavy stash of papers. I take out a pen and sign my name under the fine print. I feel a single tear slide down my face as I finish. When i arrive I wipe my tears and make my way to LSM's office without thinking twice with talking to the secertary .

"  here. I've signed it. "

" are you sure Sica ? "

"with what I've done on Jeju . Trust me you want me gone for a couple of months. "

" I'm happy you said yes Jessica. This is what will get your reputation back on track. Who knows you might even give yoonA a run for her money."

3 months ago LSM offered me this hectic schedule. It was filled with a drama that was going to filmed in Taiwan , Photoshoots arounds the world,and then extra dancing lessons from famous choreographers across the world. I didn;t want to take this before because I would miss my girls to much, and everyone in Korea. But  at this point I think I need sometime to figure out who I wanted to be.

I made my way back to the SNSD dorm to pack my bags. My plane would leave tomorow morning. I hadn;t told any of the girls of this contract yet because i didnt think i would ever take the oppurtunity. As soon as I walked through the door I expected all the girls to be mad at me ,and tell me what a bad person I was for doing such a thing to yoonA  but it was quite the opposite. The girls were all happy , and cherry as always. 

" Sica !! Your back so early  ! We missed you ! " They all said It made me smile. I couldn't lie to them anymore.

" you know how we all said we would be honesty with each other ?"

" yes..." Sooyoung said.

"In Jeju , i kissed donghae. YoonA knows now to , so when she comes back please support her even if it does mean forgettting about me."

The room went silent. I didn't expect nayone to be okay with it. I could tell the girls were trying hard not to scold me . 

" Before you say anything , To add to that , I'll be taking temporary leave from SNSD's activites to focus on some other private projects that have been set out for me. My plane leave tommrow morning so I'll be long gone before YoonA gets back . Tell her sorry for me , I'm sorry I couldn't of been the one here to tell her that."

As I got up to leave , Hyoyeon spoke up.

" Coward.... You run away from a mess you've made." 

I could tell the other girls felt bad for what Hyo said but they didn't stop her cause we all knew she right.

" I'm sorry I'm a coward ." I just can't let my feelings for Donghae grow , i said to myself.

I sat out on the balcony all night , because i couldn't fall asleep. Everything was packed and I was ready to leave.  I saw the sun rise slowly. I can feel the regret for signing that contract , but at the same time I knew there was no other choice. If i let my feelings for Donghae grow It would only hurt yoonA and myself more. I hope that one i come back Yoona could move on and so could I. when i come back our dating ban will be over. We will be allowed to date whomever we would like. Maybe by then i would have found a guy who could love me. I heard the alarm go off on my watch. I guess it was time to leave for the airport. I got my luggage and coat and made my way for the door. I hear a voice behind me. It was the last person i expected to see. Taeyeon. Recently, things between us haven't been good , she just doesn't seem to like being around me as much anymore.

"o did i wake u , im sorry"

" Im sorry Sica."

"why?"

" I haven't put in much effort to be around you these past months. Your not a coward. I know you aren't . Your not leaving because of YoonA . your leaving for something else. Whatever it is , it must be very important because you dont run away .Your a strong women , you've been through so much and i appreciate you. So come back safe. Saranghae."

I just nodded and left. those words mean so much to me I couldn't look Taeyeon in the eyes.

When i was ready to board my plane I got a text. 

" Want to get coffee later on ? I think i need to confess something. - donghae."

I deleted the message , and boarded my plane. 

I wonder Hae when will you realise im gone?