Myungsoo slumps down in the middle of his kitchen floor. He doesn’t bother turning on the lights, doesn’t even bother taking off his shoes or his coat. His comfort right now is the last thing on his mind. He doesn’t care about himself now.

Sungjong. That’s all he can think about. All day he has tried to get that guy out of his head but nothing has worked. Even his job had done little to distract his mind from Sungjong. I wonder…if I’m on your mind as much as you’re on mine?

It’s so confusing, loving him like this. Love is confusing. But he wouldn’t have it any other way. He would rather be frustrated and in love with Sungjong then content with someone else.

Maybe that proves how strong his own love is for him.

I just wish I knew what I felt about you. That’s it.

He misses him, honestly. Before Sungjong had come into his life, he thought he had had everything. But since he did…he realized what he had been missing this whole time.

He sits up abruptly. He knows what he has to do. And to do that, he needs to stop moping and get himself off the kitchen floor.

Half-hour later, he finds himself in front of Sungjong’s door. He already had the other’s address but he had never been to his home, except to drop off the scrapbook. And that time he hadn’t even gone inside, just put it in the mailbox.

He runs a hand, slightly nervously, through his hair. He shouldn’t be this nervous but he needs to tell Sungjong, he needs to see him. He wants him and only him. And if this is the only way to show him that, so be it.

He knocks on the door, trying to settle his nerves. They aren’t helping him anyway, so what’s the point of having them in the first place?

There’s no answer. He impatiently shifts to his other foot, knocking again. Of course Sungjong might be out, he has a life. But he just thought he’d be here…

He reaches out and knocks again. This time, he hears slight footsteps from inside and soon the door opens, revealing Sungjong. He looks surprised and doesn’t say anything. A blush heats up his cheeks slightly. The two stare at each other for a moment.

“Hi,” Myungsoo finally says. Sungjong’s hand tightens slightly on the doorknob. Being confronted so suddenly with the object of his affections, so suddenly after thinking of him as made it hard to say anything.

“Hey,” he says warily. “Come in.” Even though he’s a little tense at seeing Myungsoo, he doesn’t forget his manners and gestures inside. The elder walks through the door, looking around at Sungjong’s small apartment. It’s very simple, completely different from his flashy and large home. It makes him realize-they are from two very different worlds.

“Nice house,” he says, as Sungjong reaches out a hand for his coat. He slips it off and hands it to him.

“Thanks.” Sungjong hangs it on a hook in the hallway and makes his way to the living room. He sits on the couch, very unsure of what Myungsoo is doing here and what he wants. He knows their last meeting wasn’t very pleasant and the image of him and that girl is still fresh in his memory, cutting into his heart with every passing second.

The fact that he is here, somehow, is so confusing. And he’s unsettled by it. Why is he here? He wonders, feeling his racing heart, surprised by the sudden encounter. His heart always skips a beat when the other is around, even when it feels like it’s being cut open.

Sungjong just stays still as the photographer comes to sit next to him on the white couch. Well. He was not expecting this. Confronted with such a thing, he has no idea how to act or even what to say.

There’s awkward silence for a few more moments. It’s not that Sungjong is uncomfortable-well, he is, but he just wants to know why he’s here. He’s actually a little happy that he’s here. Having not seen him in a few days has made him very depressed.

Because I love him.

He wants to know, at least, where he stands. Is Myungsoo here to tell him he never wants to see him again? Or is he here to try and mend the fences? 

“So…um…” Sungjong shifts on the couch, a little uncomfortable as to asking why he’s here. He wants to know, really wants to know, but the words just won’t come out.

“You want to know why I’m here?” Myungsoo can see the awkwardness in the other’s eyes and feels a little bad. Sungjong is just too polite to come right out and say it but he can tell it’s the question he’s dying to know.

You are one of a kind, Lee Sungjong. And maybe that’s why I love you.

“Yes.” Sungjong looks relieved. “That’d be nice. Oh! Do you want anything to drink?” he offers, remembering his manners and getting up abruptly. He goes to the kitchen, and turns back to Myungsoo, seeing him over the counter. The kitchen faces the living room and he can see the other’s face clearly in the soft lamplight-not that it’s helping to clear his own thoughts.

“Water is fine,” Myungsoo assures him. The younger reaches into the cabinets to pull out a cup. As Sungjong fills it with water, Myungsoo watches him. The other young man is wearing a long white sleeved t-shirt that is almost as pale as his skin. His light-brown hair is brushed down low over his forehead, reaching a little past his eyes.

Looking at him, Myungsoo debates telling him the truth. He doesn’t want to hurt Sungjong any more then he already has but he doesn’t want to lie to him. But how to bring it up…

“Here.” Sungjong shoves the glass into his hyung’s hand and slouches against the couch, leaning his head back. Waiting. He’s waiting for an explanation.

“Well, I wanted to…to talk to you,” Myungsoo begins, taking a gulp of water.

“Oh yeah?” Sungjong eyes him warily and starts to play with his fingers once again. He always does that when he’s nervous. Myungsoo notices and smiles a little. But then something catches his eye.

“What’s that?” He uses his hand that isn’t holding the cup to reach out slowly. Sungjong looks at him, confused, but when Myungsoo’s fingers brush the side of his neck, he quickly leans away, shaking off the elder’s hand.

He knows what it is. It’s one of Sungyeol’s hickies. He thought it would have faded by now but Sungyeol had…had some fun the night before last. Myungsoo looks at him inquisitively as Sungjong pulls his collar up to hide his neck a little more. He avoids the photographer’s gaze and instead looks to the floor, a feeling of awkwardness once again abounding in the room.

“N-nothing,” he stammers. Myungsoo raises an eyebrow but doesn’t comment. Inside, Sungjong is grateful that he isn’t pressuring him. He respects Sungjong’s boundaries and the walls he has put around himself but slowly, slowly, he is breaking them, tearing them down brick by brick. And he doesn’t even know it.

Myungsoo stares at the young man, confusion furrowing his brow. Considering the way Sungjong acted, Myungsoo knows it’s more than nothing. But he won’t push it because their relationship is going very well so far, slowly but surely. And he thinks-I am in love with you. And I don’t know how to tell you. I just want you to know. But he can’t say it.

Sungjong avoids his gaze in favor at fixing his eyes on his shoes. However, he saw in Myungsoo’s eyes the curiosity, the hurt at being rejected and a concern-for him. That just makes him feel more guilty.

“Myungsoo hyung,” he begins hesitantly. “If I were-if I were to tell you something about… about me, would you-would you listen?”

“Of course Sungjong,” Myungsoo says quietly. “Of course. You can tell me anything, right?” Sungjong gives him a slight smile. Sometimes little, insignificant words make him remember that a heart still exists under the layers of ribcaged indifference.  But then he thinks-can he? Can he really? Anything…anything at all.

“This is…this is really hard for me to do,” he mutters. This is the big thing-if he tells Myungsoo, there’s no going back. But he has no choice. He needs to tell him before it creates an even bigger wedge between them.

“Is this about Sungyeol?” Myungsoo inquires nervously. Sungjong stiffens up and the elder thinks that he’s hit upon something. Unsure as he is, he continues.

 “I was wondering… this might be a little bold of me, but…what is your… relationship with Sungyeol?”

Sungjong’s breath catches in his chest. Myungsoo notices and immediately beings to apologize.

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to intrude or anything, I was just curious, since the other day when you both came…sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude. I really speak without thinking, huh? I’m really sorry,” he babbles, feeling guilty. Sungjong is silent staring down at his hands in his lap.

You don’t know me until you meet the depths of my soul, until you hear the deathly whispering in my head until, you feel the emptiness of my heart. 

“No, it’s…it’s fine,” he finally murmurs. “I probably should tell you anyway.” Thank God Sungyeol isn’t here because that would just make everything worse. He chances looking up at Myungsoo and sees the other man is focused intently on him. He nods, waiting for him to continue.

“Um…you see, we were best friends,” begins Sungjong nervously. Is he seriously doing this? Is he really telling Myungsoo his deepest and darkest? But…he feels like he has to. He has a right to know. “But soon it became…more. He wanted more.”

“What do you mean by more?” Myungsoo sets his cup down on the coffee table in front of them. Sungjong takes a deep breath. It’s now or never.

“Please don’t think any less of me because of this,” he says quietly, not meeting the other’s eyes. A shard of ice is settled in his chest, making it hard to breathe. Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me. Say it, say it, say it!

“Sungjong, I will never think badly of you,” Myungsoo declares, reaching a hand out and placing it on Sungjong’s leg. The younger flinches but doesn’t pull away. It’s just…it reminds him of how everything had started and where it led to.

“Thanks but this…this is really bad. Really bad.” He looks earnestly into the older man’s eyes. No secrets are permanent. “If you leave me after this, I will understand.”

“Sungjong…” Myungsoo trails off, seeing the pain in the so addressed boy’s eyes. Pain that Myungsoo will leave him for some insignificant reason. Pain that Myungsoo will abandon him. But he can’t. He never could. I prefer to be broken with the ugly truth than fall in love with your beautiful lies

“Sungyeol hyung started to…to touch me,” Sungjong explains quietly, lowering his eyes once again. Will Myungsoo be disgusted by this? Will he reject him? Oh well, it’s too late to back out now. He shivers as he remembers how it all started.

Myungsoo notices but resists his impulse to take the boy in his arms. Just the fact that anyone dared to touch Sungjong-his Sungjong- like that makes his blood boil. He has his suspicions, from the way Sungjong is acting, how Sungyeol had touched him but he waits for the young boy to confirm.

“One thing led to another and soon we…we ended up…” Now or never…“we ended up having .” He keeps his eyes down as the words leave his mouth. He feels ashamed and dirty and sad and guilty for dumping this on Myungsoo. I’m sorry for bringing you into my twisted world. I thought you can be the one to pull me out of it.

Myungsoo stifles a gasp. He can’t believe what he has just heard…for a moment he’s grateful he abandoned his water. He’s sure he would have spit it out. But his suspicions are right.

“And Sungyeol hyung kept it up…I wanted to stop, I wanted to get out of it…but I couldn’t.” Sungjong sniffs, trying to hold back the tears that are threatening to spill over. A memory comes back to him, when it first started. The memory plays throughout his head, over and over again. A darkened room, bright white sheets, a tightened fist that is covered with a firm palm…the fingers slowly closing around them, trying to reassure. But only causing more pain. “I just...couldn’t. He wouldn’t let me.”

“Oh Sungjong…” Myungsoo watches his one and only start to slowly cry, a few tears at time. He sees him trying to stop the flood but he’s being unsuccessful. He reaches out his arms and wraps them around the boy in front of him. Sungjong stiffens but leans into him, finally letting the dam break. He’s not one for crying but he supposes this is a good time as ever to let it out. “Oh Sungjong, Sungjong.” Myungsoo starts to his hair, feeling the young boy’s thin body tremble with sobs. After keeping it all in for so long, he is finally letting it out. All his pain, all his poison that is eating him away, all the things that are burying him alive…he’s letting it all out.

“I’m s-sorry Myungsoo h-hyung,” Sungjong mumbles a few minutes later. He starts to pull away but the elder won’t unlock his arms.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” he says soothingly. “I should be the one saying sorry. I’m sorry for pressuring you to tell me. I’m sorry it all happened.”

“N-no, it’s fi-fine. I w-wanted to te-tell you eve-eventually,” Sungjong hiccups, tears still clogging his throat. “But ar-aren’t you dis-disgusted with m-me?”

“What? No, no.” Myungsoo’s eyes widen. Why would Sungjong think that? Has Sungyeol really broken him that much? “No, I never could. This isn’t your fault at all. No, I would never be disgusted with you.”

“R-really?” Sungjong look up at him with tear-filled eyes and the elder can feel his heart breaking. This boy, this beautiful boy in front of him has gone through so much, so many horrors and he still believes it’s his own fault. How could Sungyeol have done this?

He uses one hand wipe at his own eyes for a second, unable to stand the sight of the younger like this and to hide his own forthcoming tears.

“M-Myungsoo hyung…how mu-much pain does one h-have to go thr-through until give-giving up is okay?” Sungjong leans his head on Myungsoo’s chest, hearing his heartbeat. He suddenly feels tired, like the world had drained him for everything he has.

“Don’t give up Sungjong,” Myungsoo commands, aghast at the mere thought of it. “Don’t even think like that. I will help you get out of this. I swear it.”

“Myungso hy-hyung…” Sungjong looks up at him again. “I-I can’t get out of it. I h-have already tr-tried. I c-can’t.” The reminders that he can’t-Sungyeol towering over him, his hand over Sungjong’s mouth. Sungyeol, slowly stripping Sungjong of his clothes. Sungyeol hissing at him that this is what they both want. Sungyeol, hands wandering over Sungjong’s bare body…

Another sob tears from his throat and he buries his head back into Myungsoo’s shirt. “Y-you don’t hate me, d-do you?” He feels more hot tears come. Even though Myungsoo seems understanding, not even that will soothe him of such memories. It’s breaking him in the slowest way possible, seeping into his every part and making him wish he could just rid himself of it.

Myungsoo stares at him. He feels sad because suddenly he realizes that once people are broken in certain ways, they can’t ever be fixed. And this is something that no one had told him when he was young and it never fails to surprise him as he grows older. He sees people in his life break one by one. He wonders when it is going to be his turn. Or if it already happened.

Maybe it already happened by seeing Sungjong break.

“Sungjong, Sungjong, it’s okay. I don’t, I can’t. I’m here and I won’t leave you,” he whispers into brown hair. “I don’t care about that, I just don’t want to see you this way. It doesn’t matter what happened, I don’t care. I just want you to be happy again.”

“I-I don’t think I c-can,” Sungjong says softly, the truth of his words hitting him. Can he be happy again, after all that has happened? After everything, Myungsoo still wants him. He won’t leave him. That is a reason to be happy, right? If he’s not alone, he can’t dwell on such despondent thoughts. He can be happy again.

“I will help you through this no matter what,” Myungsoo tells him determinedly. “Count on that.” I’m in love with you and I don’t know how to tell you. I just want you to know.

“I’m sorry, hyung,” says the distraught youth. “I’m sorry I told you any of this. I’m sorry for brining you into this. I’m sorry for everything.” He feels more tears drip from his eyes and uses one hand to wipe them away angrily. But then he clutches the elder’s shirt with both of his hands, clinging to him like he’s drowning and this is the only thing keeping him afloat.

And it is.

“Don’t be sorry, Sungjong. Don’t be sorry.” He holds the other closer to him, vowing to not let him go again. After all he’s been through, Sungjong is apologizing to him?

Tears continue to drip down Sungjong’s face but he manages a small smile directed at Myungsoo. The older man smiles slightly back at him. It feels good to know he can make him smile even after all this.

He holds out one hand to Sungjong, waiting for him to take it. The young man can almost see the words curving in the air-we can face this together. 

A/N: So? How's everyone doing? Now the secret's out and Myungsoo knows. It may seem like things are getting better but I wouldn't get too comfortable if I were you. God, I'm a terrible person. Until next time darlings! :)