NOW

MARCH 2017

JONGIN saw his friend off once all the things have been placed at the respective place. He walked into a corner of the room, leaned back on his left and scanned around the small apartment. It was small indeed, but he felt enough. Big space usually makes lonely people feels even more lonely, and that was the scene he refused to face every day.

He walked over the couch and perched on the couch. He took out his iPhone to view the text sent by Sehun just seconds ago.

Dude, you might wanna kill me tomorrow when you see me because I left Taemin’s box inside your closet. I can apologize for that, but I think I’m doing the right thing. Congrats on your new house man. Never felt so proud :’)

–Sehun xx

Jongin sighed, raking his dark brown hair with his fingers and threw his phone on the couch.

Damn you.

He got off the chair and headed towards the door. He needed some fresh air.

IT was definitely a chilly night for some night walk but he still went for it. He inserted both his hands indirectly into his trench coat pockets to keep them warm. The idea of getting fresh air began in such a cold night began shaking his judgment. He was probably too emotional, and maybe he should get back inside.

“Excuse me, sir,” called someone unfamiliar from his behind and Jongin turned head in seconds. His eyes looked around the quiet neighborhood until his gaze fell upon some figure waving at him in the dark.

“I kinda need your help, sir,” the voice continued sadly.

Jongin was hesitant at first - he was afraid it was all an act pulled by some gang to kidnap him and cu him open for some organ but it was a pretty safe neighborhood so he got rid of the idea. He gathered his steps carefully to the needy woman.

“Hi there,” she smiled brightly at him - which Jongin found bizarre seeing a woman being so guard-less around a male stranger. “Do you, uhm, mind to help me pull this out? I’m stuck to this manhole cover.”

Jongin lowered his cold gaze as studied her composure. She was a young, blossoming woman dressed thinly and tightly under such low temperature, and she didn’t have any coat on. And judging from her way of dressing, Jongin knew she has a rich family background. His eyes caught the real problem that got them both involved. Her fancy shoe got stuck between the holes of the manhole cover.

That’s some .

“You know, you could actually try taking off your shoes and then pull it out with your bare hands. It’s a lot easier that way.”

Naeun gritted her tight mouth, and forced a laugh. “I know that,” she nodded awkwardly. She quickly lowered her head and cursed herself for such foolish act. Why didn’t that occur to her?

“I guess you’re all set then,” Jongin breathed, making it sound like a sigh unintentionally. “Good night.”

“Wait,” Naeun called again, hands flailing about in air to stop him. “I can’t take off my shoes. It’s a cold night, and I got cramps easily under this condition.”

He mused, eyes staring back intensely at her. Naeun withdrew quickly, feeling insecure as she hugged her trembling body. Jongin finally took a step forward and kneeled down in front of her.

“Wait!” She shouted suddenly.

Jongin raised his gaze, scowling at her for startling him.

“I am wearing, as you can see, a short dress and I would like it for you to not take any advantage- ”

“Don’t worry I’m not ually deprived.”

Naeun gasped, her face turned. “I was just trying to protect myself.”

Jongin whispered something mockingly under his breath as he wrapped his hand around her cold foot to keep it warm. He then carefully tightened his grip and grunted a bit as he forced out the thin heel out of the hole.

 “There you go,” Jongin said finally as he let go of Naeun’s foot.

Naeun took a step back when she noticed Jongin was getting up to his knees. She rubbed her numb calf and nodded politely at Jongin for his kind help.

“Thank you,” she mumbled, feeling somewhat embarrassed having to trouble strangers for such weird incident. “I appreciate it.”

“You might wanna stop wearing that kind of shoes. You’ll trouble a lot of people if you actually live in this building.”

Naeun scoffed, and raised her brow at him. “That’s not for you to decide, is it?”

Jongin tilted his head and fixed his hair underneath the hoodie. “I’ was trying to protect you," he said back, though it sounded more like a sarcasm. He turned his back on her to get back inside. The night walk was probably over.

Naeun quickly followed behind Jongin who was close to reaching the main entrance. She put on pokerfaced expression, and held her head high and stood close next to Jongin so she would be able to get inside on his passcode.

Jongin turned to her with a judging look when he sensed her nearness. Naeun looked elsewhere, pretending to not notice the weird look Jongin was giving. She was relentless, still, and kept her head high.

“Do you mind?” Jongin almost snapped at her in annoyance.

“What?” She asked blankly, high pitch.                         

“I’m about to enter my passcode over here. Would you mind backing off a little?”

Naeun was this close to exploding at him, but she remained her cool and instead faked a nice smile at him. “But of course.”

Jongin mumbled something under his breath, shaking his head in disbelief once the strange woman has taken two steps back. He stood close to the monitor and entered his passcode. The glass door clicked open and Jongin took a large step and rushed inside, closing the door behind him only seconds later. He couldn’t stand the cold anymore.

Naeun was left outside, dumbstruck and humiliated. Her fist curled into a circle and she started pounding on the glass door.

“Damn you rude douchebag- did you just shut the door in my face?”

“HE freaking shut the damn door in my face!” Naeun yelled in the phone when she was picking up her usual morning coffee in the café inside the hotel where she worked. Naeun didn’t have time to be nice and friendly to the cashier, so she stormed out right away, not looking back at all, after getting her order.

“I will find him,” she gritted her teeth. “And I will make him pay. Then, I’ll probably move out. I don’t want a neighbor like him. No one wants a neighbor like him - arrogant, full of himself, cocky son of b- ”

“Naeun,” a husky voice of a gentle man called her from behind and Naeun turned around to meet the owner of the voice.

“-gun,” Naeun finished her sentence absent-mindedly, later realizing what she had uttered to his confused fiance. “I mean, hey – Minhyuk. I didn’t expect to see you here.”

“Yeah. Didn’t expect you to greet me like that either.” He then leaned in close to and gave a light peck on her slightly opened mouth. “Do you have a minute?”

“Yeah,” Naeun nodded, lips finally shut in a line. She ended the conversation abruptly after saying goodbye to Mina and let Minhyuk led the way to one of the empty tables of the café.

THEN

SEPTEMBER 2014

THE paramedic carried the lifeless body on a stretcher and took it out of the room. Every kid in the home shelter were surrounding and swarming the small airless square in order to get a better glimpse of the ‘crime’ scene. Jongin however did seem to show no interest to the crowd nor to his dead friend. He honestly did not know what to show or feel about this.

Two young insomniac police office came up to him who has been facing the wall of photographs in the living room downstairs.

“Hello,” one of the officers began politely.  “I am Officer Jung and this is my partner, Officer Kang. We are informed that you have been closely acquainted to the deceased.”

Deceased? That sounds honorable.

“We were close.”

“And your name is?”

“Jongin,” he answered briskly, turning back to the wall after a flash glance of acknowledgement.

“If you don’t mind, we have a couple of questions to ask you about this matter. Do you have some time?”

“I do. Do we need to talk somewhere more private?”

“If that’s alright, yeah.”

“Let’s just talk here. I’m beginning to forget what he looks like now.”

Officer Jung frowns in silence, giving a weird look at his colleague. “Okay. So, has the victim been telling you something that might indicate suicidal?”

“Is it confirmed yet?”

“What is?”

“Has it already been classified as a suicidal case?”

Officer Jung fixed his cap and cleared his throat. “We found a gun in his hand, and the results are yet to be announced but from the look of it – it’s pretty obvious what actually went on in that room. Your friend took out his own life at a very young age and we need all the cooperation you could give to resolve this case as soon as possible. So, if you don’t mind cooperate and make things lot easier, we really would like you to tell us everything there is that could help with this case. Let me ask again, has Taemin been telling you how he felt about suicidal?”

Jongin’s red eyes shifted on the two policemen, finally, and just like them, he also seemed to have a lack-of-sleep statement plastered across his thin face.

“He has, in fact,” Jongin answered softly. “But I failed to make him change his mind, huh?”

“We understand,” Officer Kang finally opened his sealed mouth. “But you should never blame yourself.”

“I’m not blaming myself for this. I just thought it would be great if he changed his mind; consider life isn’t actually all that bad.”

Officer Kang fell silence again, genuinely shocked by how cool and neutral Jongin reacted to this.

“Jongin, can you be more specific about what he told you?”

“I’m sorry officers, but I don’t feel comfortable disclosing this matter. It was something that Taemin and I vowed to keep to ourselves only.”

“Things are different now, Jongin.”

“But some things aren’t. And I’m pretty sure my information won’t do much help. He is dead, of suicide, and there’s nothing to look into more.”

The two policemen couldn’t hide looking flustered, and even gave Jongin a judging snort. “I don’t think you understand what we meant by full co-operation here, young man.”

Jongin fixated his gaze on the tenacious policemen and felt very broken inside having to speak another word about his best friend’s death. “Look, officers, we both know it will obviously be finalized as a suicidal case, and whether I give any statement regarding this case or not won’t exactly do much, would it? You guys aren’t some news journalist. You don’t need to know that specific about this case. Taemin is dead, from gunfire and he pulled the trigger himself. And, yes, he has been feeling suicidal these past few months but that is as far as I could cooperate. Now if you’d excuse me, gentlemen, I need to help Sister Kim prepare for his funeral now.”

SEHUN tried the handle to the Taemin’s old room in the home shelter and smiled shortly to find his old friend staring out the window, enjoying the bright sunny day despite the sullen-filled atmosphere in the house.

“Hey man,” Sehun patted Jongin shoulder and his friend turned to meet his eyes.

Jongin’s welled up eyes blinked once and tears spilled out instantly. “Hey Sehun.” He opened his arm to embrace his long-tome-no-see old friend. “I really miss you a lot, man. How have you been?”

“Don’t worry about me. How have you been?”

“I don’t know how to answer to that kind of question anymore. Can I lie?”

“I guess,” Sehun shrugged as they sank into Taemin’s bed.

“I’m feeling great.”

“And if you weren’t to lie?”

“Taemin should’ve killed me first before he took out his own life.”

“That won’t be fair to me, dude,” Sehun said gravely.

Jongin smirked, a big sigh escaped from his chapped lips. “I guess, but seeing you this good gives me no reason to worry about you.”

“Jongin,” Sehun called sympathetically at him, eyes looking sadly into Jongin’s red eyes. “Do you remember what we used to talk about before we went to sleep every night?”

“All the great plans we wanted to do before we die.”

“Excatly,” Sehun squeezed Jongin’s hand hoping to also squeeze every ounce of bitterness he felt inside. “We used to plan great different things every night before we go to bed. We were hopeless bunch back then, but, c’mon man, look at us now. Who knew we would grow up this awesome?”

“Taemin just killed himself.”

“That’s not my point. What I’m trying to say is, Taemin may be gone now, but you’re not. The crazy, adventurous kid I used to know is still kicking alive, sitting right in front of me, and I don’t want to lose that guy, eventhough he’s only crazy and probably less adventurous now.”

 “Sehun," Jongin called weakly with a faint smile, tears spilling out again and rolled down his cheeks. “I can’t believe you still talk about weird, random things at a wrong timing.”

“And I guess I’m still that weird, intelligent kid,” Sehun said with a grin. “I may not yet fully understand life, but losing someone special is all part of living life, man. Life doesn’t tell you a about what’s coming. You just need to face it when it comes, and be strong about it. Do you get me?”

“I hate him,” Jongin cried, finger furiously wiping at his two cheeks. “I wish he would ing burn in hell.”

“And you used to wish I would die from hunger after I left here but hey I survived, huh?”

Jongin grinned, and nodded at his friend’s light joke. “It used to be fun having night drinks with him, y’know? Just chill, and talk about stuff in our life. But lately it has been about which way of dying is faster and less troublesome to execute. When I first heard about it I laughed. Second time I just shut my mouth and listened. After that, I still listened, and agreed, but I needed to drink. It was less painful.”

 “I don’t know how he could get really obsessed with – dying. He said to me once that if he were to die that night, with my by his side, he said he wouldn’t do it, that he would try to survive. When I asked him why? He told me he hated to be remembered like that. He was scared that all I could remember about him was how he looked when he died. And he said I shouldn’t be there when he did it. I never told anyone about this. It didn’t matter, I thought. It won’t actually happen. He’d get over it one day, I thought, until I heard the gunshot just above my room last week. Who knew he had the guts to do it, huh?”

Sehun gulped down the orange juice he had with him but it tasted alien on his tongue; like a cold medicine that lingered even after you washed it down with plain water. He raised his chin, clearing his sore throat. “Do you know why?”

“Why he wanted to die?”

“Yeah,” Sehun nodded like a robot, hating himself for the question he just asked. “I didn’t mean to be insensitive, Jongin. I just thought that maybe if you knew why, you would understand why he did it.”

“I don’t actually,” Jongin shook his head, holding back soft sobs.  “It would be less painful, perhaps, if I know why he did it, but sometimes I feel scared that if I do know the real reason, I might still not understand, and might actually hate him for doing it.”

“You won’t hate him. He’s your best friend.”

“I find it hard to remember his face these days,” Jongin forced a snort. “And I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, Sehun.”

* * *

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