NOW

MARCH 2017

THE charity ball was still going on, and when Jongin was leaving, he saw Naeun’s partner was already too engrossed into the fancy buffet on the table all by himself, completely forgetting the annoyed Naeun and the ‘date’ he was supposed to have.

Jongin slyly smirked at Naeun who decided to eventually entertain something much more amusing on her phone rather than her date. He then took out his phone, decided to texther something,

“HOW do you find this lasagna?” Yongguk urged gleefully after he took a couple of good spoonfuls of his creamy courgette lasagna before went to wipe the faint grease stain. “I’ve had my best day, but after some time, I’m beginning to feel otherwise. This is very, very addicting.”

Naeun gasped, startled, as she lifted her chin, and her gaze directly onto the dish in front of her. Hers was still untouched and perfectly together.

“You haven’t tried yours,” Yongguk pointed slightly with his fork before pushing the platter closer to Naeun. “You should though.”

Naeun smiled quickly as she put down her phone and went to grab her fork and poked into her dinner. She forked out a small chunk and brought it close to her lips.

“It smells good,” Naeun commented kindly. “But I’m not hungry.” She put back the meal after realizing the good smell made her head dizzy. She never like Italian cuisine, but her parents never wanted to listen.

“You have to at least try a bite. The taste will probably shock you.”

Naeun sighed but it was not evident. She hated being told what to do, but then again she never seemed to have the power to not comply to the orders. Naeun looked down, fingers reaching for the fork, but stopped midway when her phone vibrated near her elbow. Naeun slid her well-trimmed finger across the screen and a text from Jongin appeared right away.

She chortled inwardly, visible lines forming across her forehead as she read the message. – I’ll let you spend time with me to make up for your lousy date.-Jongin

Naeun’s thin lips curved into a smile as she looked up at the exit door, and caught a glimpse of Jongin smiling back at her before exiting the ballroom hall.

JONGIN clicked the button to his car keys and the beep went off suddenly, startling even himself. He grabbed the handle whilst still fumbling with his phone. A text message from Soojung gave him a surprise.

He touched the text bubble and another page came up instantly.

‘I saw you leaving.’

He smiled shortly and typed: ‘Well. Yeah. My date’s left early. So, I don’t see the reason to linger around any longer.’

‘Are you going home?’

Jongin paused, hating to even think about lying to his friend. He wanted to tell her about his plans hanging out by the Han river tonight with Naeun, but he did not know what Soojung would think of his relationship with Naeun. He certainly was not flirting with his own boss, if that’s what Soojung would think. But then again – how do you simply explain the real reason behind late night play date with your own boss?

Dammit. It’s not a date. And he’s for sure not flirting with Naeun. His train of thoughts made a halt when another text from Soojung came in just after a few seconds.

‘Cuz my friend is throwing a party at her house, and she’s in a band, so she wants me to watch her sing. And I was wondering if you like indie music- maybe we can go watch the performance together. It’s free of charge lol~’

“Yah Kim Jongin,” Naeun yelled from behind as she crossed her arms and hugged her cold body. Jongin turned right away and he forgot to reply to Soojung once he saw her approaching him. “How dare you make fun of me, Kim Jongin. I did not have a lousy date.”

“Uh-huh,” Jongin chided with a roll at his eyes. He slipped his phone in his pocket and stared down at displeased Naeun. “I bet.”

“And you did not just make me ditch my date.”

“Well, you are here.”

“You’re so full of yourself sometimes.”

Jongin laughed shortly at Naeun’s mockery and brushed it right off. “So, do you like fried chicken?”

Naeun chuckled in disbelief and she pulled at her arms. “What?”

“Or ddubeokki?” Jongin paused momentarily. “Wait, you do know what ddubeokki is, don’t you?”

Naeun punched Jongin on his right arm and walked around his car to get to the passenger seat. “If you make me punch you the second time, you’re totally failing your internship program.”

NAEUN had a genuine thought about Jongin being a good driver. He was always calm, and the turn at every curve he made was flawless. His long legs were strong and steady behind the wheels and Naeun liked stealing glances at his long fingers when he was grasping the shift stick. He has pretty fingers and Naeun was curious suddenly – what would it look like when he cradled his girlfriend’s head during kiss-

Wait a minute – her mind was drifting off someplace wrong now.

Naeun cleared , mentally shaking herself off any thought that could be misunderstood by playful Jongin. That guy has a shallow mindset and she did not want to be made fun of.

“Do you want to change your dress into something more comfortable?”

Naeun jumped a bit when Jongin’s voice broke into her mind, pulling her back into reality. She looked hastily at him and frowned a bit.

“What was it?”

“Do you wanna head home first? Get changed and all?”

“No,” she quickly shook her head. “It’s not a big deal. You don’t always get to wear this over-the-top expensive ball gown just everyday. You gotta feel it while it’s here.”

“Are you sure? It’s a chilly night.”

“Are we gonne be somewhere outdoor? Wait – where actually are you taking me? You need to tell me so I can dress right for the occasion.”

Jongin laughed before turning to look at her. “You must have high expectation. I’m nervous now.”

“I never had any expectation from you, mister,” Naeun denied firmly, and she could feel her face burn with strong, disturbing sensation afterwards. “You asked me out first. I was just trying to be nice.”

“Yeah, but this is not a date.”

“I know that!” Naeun felt the urge to shout so Jongin could register every word coming from and learn the lines of joking. She grunted as she threw an angry look outside the window. “For God’s sake, I’m gonna be someone’s wife in 9 days. I know who I am.”

Maybe Naeun did mean for the words to stamp across Jongin’s mind as easily, but Jongin was quiet for the whole drive. He did not say a word of response, nor did he try to say something else to ease the sudden rising tension between them. He simply ‘behaved’, and somehow withdrawn, and it began to drive Naeun crazy. The good mood was dampened and turned sour and never once she felt so much hatred against silent Jongin than she felt now. But only during the silence was Naeun able to think clearly of her own thoughts about Jongin.

Who was Jongin to her then?

Stupid, annoying lowlife intern, that was who he was.

Yep. No doubt.

“WHAT do you want to eat?” Jongin asked suddenly as he made a stop at a nearby food stall. They have arrived at Hongdae street markets and despite being 10.00 PM, the markets was alive than ever. “I can get it for you, because-” Jongin studied Naeun up and down and squinted his eyes. “You don’t dress right - for the market I mean.”

“Okay.” Naeun shrugged, carefree and nodded at him. “I don’t know. Just buy me anything good.”

“That’s not helping. You’re a woman and woman changes her mood, and mind easily. How can I trust you with those words?”

“I’ll eat whatever you buy.”

“I like fried chicken.”

“Then buy it.”

“And some kimchi stew.”

“Not bad.”

“And some carp fish bread.”

“I like black bean filling. Lotsa lotsa of them,” Naeun smiled thinly.

“Me too,” Jongin smiled back at her. “And I also like beer.”

“But you can’t buy those. You’re driving.”

“I know,” Jongin lowered his head and got out of the car. “But I’m still gonna buy some.”

“Then how are you supposed to drive us home, you selfish shcmuck?! Yah! Kim Jongin!” Naeun was shouting, pissed off at Jongin and everything that came out of his mouth. But he was walking away, inspirited, and was oblivious of her rants.

NAEUN can only shake her head in disappointment when she saw him from the distance, grinning like a homeless person who found a piece bread and shake it in front of everyone to show off, except that he was seriously good-looking, and not homeless. And he was not holding a piece bread in his hand but a full plastic bag of beer. Three, or maybe four bottles of them. Naeun cracked into a smile finally when he was nearing the car in excitement.

Crazy fool.

“I’m so happy,” Jongin expressed lightly like a little child once he got to his driver’s seat and looked at Naeun with sparkling eyes. “It’s been awhile since I’ve had any drinks.”

“That’s just wrong, mister. I see no good in this.”

“Don’t be a party pooper, Naeun. Here,” Jongin said as he handed her another plastic bag in vibrant orange color. “I even bought you some clothes. So, shut up and enjoy the night, okay?”

“You cannot bribe me.”

“Of course I can. Do you not see what brand I bought for you?”

Naeun slipped a hand inside and fished out a yellow sweatshirt with ‘10’ jersey number printed across the chest.

“Gucci?” Naeun stared at the label around the collar and burst into laughter right away. “Wow I’m so touched. Thank you, Kim Jongin. And nice taste, dude.”

“But of course, dude. Can’t resist the Gucci, huh?”

“Can’t resist the Gucci,” Naeun agreed, and snorted as she tucked the shirt back into the bag. “What does one zero mean anyway?”

“I’m not sure. But usually in soccer, only the best player would wear number 10. But then again, it doesn’t really mean anything since most players have different preferences in their jersey numbers.”

Naeun glanced at Jongin and the shirt in turn and leaned back to her seat.  “Fair enough.”

THE two had a quiet drive for almost 10 minutes before Naeun saw something vast and sparkly rose in horizon in front of her. The car came to a stop underneath a shady tree. She leaned forward and looked around to study the view. She swore she saw bridges, and a few sailing yacht but she still could not get a hold of where she was. She turned to Jongin with a doubtful look in her eyes.

“Is this – where is this?”

“Come out first, your Highness,” Jongin smirked as he turned off the low mumbling of car engine and grabbed all the food he just bought.

Naeun was still hesitant, but she unlocked the car door and pushed out her feet. She felt the solid ground beneath her Jimmy Choo and was surprised to find where Jongin have brought her.

The most end of the Han River, where people were not visible but bright light from the yachts and the whistling wind through the leaves.

“You’re ing crazy, Jongin. Do you know how far this is from our place?”

“It’s not that far, Naeun.” He walked beside her and winked. “I like to come here once awhile if I need to clear my mind and have a quiet drink.”

“You cannot drink.”

“Oh I can, alright.”

“Jongin,” she called again, tired of him being reckless and carefree. “You’re not 12. You know how dangerous it is to drive under influence, like, do you not wish to go home safely?”

Jongin put down all the food and he looked up front and held his head in his hand. He turned his back on Naeun, as though he was feeling the wind around his body and be one with them.

“I don’t know. Do you?”

JONGIN was like this angsty, angry teenager who hated the world but didn’t have anywhere to go. So, he would always drink to feel numb against the pain and to find strength to accept his scarred wounds. At least, that was what Naeun would describe the lead character if she were to write a novel featuring him.

Jongin said he liked fried chicken but Naeun noticed that he barely touched them. He was leaning against the tree and kept shoving down more beer down his throat. He also bought a carp fish bread and they were hot and fat of black bean fillings, just like how he and Naeun liked, but he acted like he never knew the bread existed. Naeun was beginning to worry so she leaned forward and took away the bottle in Jongin’s hand.

“Stop.” Her voice was clear and shaky from the cold night, but when Jongin’s red, lifeless eyes stared at her, Naeun was surprised to see him in a completely different image.

“Why?”

“You’re already drunk. People drink to get drunk and they should stop once they are drunk. That’s how it works.”

Jongin smirked, and chuckled breathlessly as his gaze fell on her chest. He stared hard at the jersey number on the yellow sweatshirt he bought for Naeun and something inside him fell apart.

Taemin used to wear number 10 in the school’s soccer team.

“Give me back my drink, please.” He held out a hand to Naeun but Naeun looked away.

“No.”

“I said please, Naeun.”

“You can’t drink more beer, Jongin. You’re very, very drunk right now and I’m scared-”

“Don’t be scared of me. I’m not completely wasted. I still have my self-control. Don’t worry.”

“I’m not scared of you. I’m scared for you, seriously, don’t drink anymore,” Naeun said in a whispering voice. “I will listen, okay. You just need to tell me what’s wrong.”

Jongin paused, his bloodshot eyes falling lost in her trembling, watery eyes. Jongin clucked his tongue and snorted in amusement.

“I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not. I have my own problems too, okay, but you cannot drink to forget about them. You need people to listen to them. You need to open up about what’s been eating you from the inside so you’ll feel much lighter.”

“I don’t need light, Naeun. I’m used to darkness.”

“Well, changes aren’t necessarily bad, Jongin.”

“Please don’t lecture to me about life. I’ve been through more my whole life compared to you. I know more stuff, okay, and trust me, change may not be necessarily bad, but sometime changes don’t fix things. They cover more up. And to me, that is actually bad.”

Naeun’s brows collided hearing how sensible Jongin was in his drunkard state.

“Fine. You want your drink? Fine. I can give it to you. But first-,” Naeun grabbed her purse that’s been sitting by her lap and took out a small piece of colorful card.

“I know this is a bad timing, but you’re really pissing me off.” Naeun showed Jongin the card he was holding and a soft sigh heaved through Jongin’s lips.

“Let’s exchange secret coupon,” Jongin laughed shortly and took the card away. He couldn’t believe she carried around the coupon from the amusement part like it was worthy to be treated like a credit card. “It really is a bad timing, Son Naeun.”

THE loud silence was deafening and it intensified each second. Clock was ticking but Jongin showed no sign of retreat. He was lying on the ground, resting his forearm just above his brows and breathed really quietly. Naeun watched as his chest rose up and down in perfect synch.

She needed him to pour out his heart but his not drinking any further was already a successful attempt.

Maybe she should start first for Jongin to speak up about his problems. This is after all a moment of exchange of secrets.

Naeun moved forward on her knees and lay beside Jongin who was still unaware of her close presence. She looked down on him and gulped as she brought her back down to kiss the ground. She was finally by his side but Jongin never removed his hand off to see her.

“Do you want me to start first?”

Jongin turned to her slightly and shrugged his shoulder. Naeun bit her bottom lips at his half-assed response and pulled her hair so she could tangle a strand around her finger. It often eased her racing heartbeat.

“Okay then. But you cannot bail out on me, okay? We’re doing this together as a team.”

Silence.

Naeun drew some air in and decided to finally begin.

“Okay. So, my secret. Hurm, where to begin? I have lotsa them but I’m thinking of using maybe my third, or forth’s best because I’m pretty sure that yours is not something that you can just spit out easily. So, yeah, here goes nothing.” Naeun cleared for numerous times and stole quick glances at Jongin in between to see if he gave any response. But he was still lying still, frozen and hopeless.

“You better not be sleeping or I will seriously flip like crazy,” she warned beforehand, but was disappointed by Jongin’s lack of motion. She decided to proceed anyway.

“Okay. So, I guess I shall start now. I will tell you in their chronological sequences. But if I skip or miss any part by accident I will tell you. Okay. When I was 7, I always stole this cute set of Hello Kitty stickers from the local bookstore because I didn’t know how to make a purchase. I always carried my money with me but I just never paid. So when I was getting into my second grade, I realized that I should make up for all my shoplifting crimes. So I told my nanny who was very old at that time about the stickers I stole and instead of having her to help me, she ratted me out and told my parents about it. She was partially deaf, maybe, because she was twisting my words and even added some new events that never actually occurred and got me grounded for a whole month in return. I hated her so much afterwards, that I often pulled a prank on her. One day I bought a rubber mouse and hid it inside her drawer to scare her. My plan worked when she screamed the moment she saw the mouse and ran out of the house. However, she got hit by a bicycle and ended up in a hospital. I was so scared. She got hurt badly because of my prank but I never told anyone about it. I cried a lot that night because I was sorry. But I never apologized. My nanny knew all along it was my doing but she never scolded me. But she never even looked at me. I wanted to say sorry but I didn’t –couldn’t, so, eventually she grew sicker and had to retire. I was in my first year of high school when I learned that she died of old age. When my family and I visited her, her daughter gave me a box and told me to open it only when I got home. So I kept the box in the car. I could just open it right away but I was too scared to open it, sacred of what might be inside. So, I only opened it when I got home. I was alone in my room, on my bed when I finally opened the box and inside, was countless of baby pictures of me; the ones I never seen before, and the ones my mother never had or kept inside the family album. Behind each photo was a date, a caption of what went on in the picture and a reminder of how much she loved my smile. I burst into tears, and I never hated myself more that night. But what surprised me more was the rubber mouse, battered and old, but I still could recognize it, and it was just sitting there, underneath the photos. And below its tummy was a small letter for me. She didn’t say much in the letter, and I still couldn’t make out the words she wrote to me until this day, but I understood enough that she was never angry at me, and she was sorry about ratting me out but she really did have a hearing problem, and she apologized more for not sticking my back. She said she loved me and was reluctant to quit but she was scared I would lose my smiles if she stayed around after the accident, so she decided to quit and let me grow up without her troubling me anymore. I could not stop crying after that, and I was very angry at myself because I had lost the only person who truly loved me for who I am just because I didn’t have the guts to say sorry.”

Jongin has been listening, and looking at Naeun the whole time she was telling her story, and he didn’t miss to see her catching breaths underneath the soft sobs. Jongin didn’t know what to say, but he understood her struggle when she realized how late everything was. She was crying but she did not weep nor wail. She was looking up into the dark sky above and a trickle of tear ran down her left temple. Jongin looked up to the sky as well, and smiled.

“You’re doing fine now, Naeun.”

“I know,” Naeun said, choking on her sobs as she harshly wiped away her tears. “I’m proud of that for sure.”

 “Are you scared? Now?”

Naeun turned to her leftside to get a better look at Jongin. She wanted him to hear her answer because she might not find anymore courage to confess after this: “Always.”

But her voice was weak and soft she was scared Jongin hadn’t heard her right the first time. She was scared every time she thought of the stupid joke on her nanny, but she had no escape. She had no second chances. She could never make things right.

Jongin looked again at her and forced a smile as he grabbed Naeun’s hand that was lying flat on her tummy and clutched his fingers around hers. Her small hand fit perfectly in his own and the coldness that enshrouded her before began to melt away. Something also thawed away inside Naeun’s heart when she stared at Jongin’s gaze searchingly under the moonlight and flashing bright lights of the passing boats and yachts.

“Me too,” Jongin muttered out, getting rid of the heavy lump that has been hanging down his throat, and he was crying when his eyes flickered up at her. “Always.”