You know those moments where you kind of just replay everything in your head, convincing yourself that it was a dream so you can avoid the extreme remorse you feel just thinking about them. That is me. That has been me for the last seven hours. And it will undoubtedly be me for the next month. 

I am an idiot. I admit it. I repent my sins, and now I wish to find salvation from my stupidity. What did I do to beat myself up so much about? I agreed to be that Hun kid’s girlfriend. Not like his actual girlfriend, but I might as well be, since only 3 other people know about this stupid ing arrangement. For however long we agree to do this, I will have to be around him and act like the he says is interesting, I will have to hold his hand, he might want me to attend social events with him, and maybe even kiss him or something. 

And before you mention that I’ve been far more intimate with him, I sure as hell wouldn’t have done that had I been sober. Mi kept saying over and over that he isn’t that bad looking and that he’s a sweet kid and maybe he is, but based on the impressions I’ve gotten, I don’t want to find out about it. So whatever the hell is going on, I don’t know anymore. If I don’t update frequently, it is an indication that I couldn’t take it anymore and I snapped his neck and got sent to prison. Here’s hoping the sentence is worth the satisfaction, 

Ji

I closed my laptop and picked at my cuticles for the thousandth time today. They were beyond bloody, and I continued doing it because I was so mad at myself. It may have seemed like a completely wonderful, beneficial, normal idea in the moment, but as soon as I got my bag and walked off of the field without looking back like hot , my steps felt heavier and it’s safe to say that I hated myself more than I ever have before. 

It didn’t really help that when I got home, Jihoon was the only one there, and he was giving me hell about something so stupid, I didn’t even remember what. So of course, I said something that I don’t remember, and it was probably horrible because my mother said something about me being ungrateful and the antichrist when she got home. I didn’t bother to go down for dinner, I just sat in my room and sulked, staring at my phone, wondering if I should text the kid and call this whole thing off. The more I said it, the more “kid” was starting to become a term of endearment, and I ing hated it. Something in me compelled me to grab my phone, and call the stupid deer. It didn’t even ring twice before he answered. 

“Hello?” He answered, sounding something between confused and terrified. 

“Are you free?” I think my voice cracked a little bit while I was trying to sound tough and like I owned him. 

“Right now? Isn’t it kind of late?” 

“Answer the question.”

“Well, I mean, I suppose I am?” 

“Great. Meet me at that coffee shop we talked at the other day.” I hung up and took a deep breath, slapping myself for not just ending it then and there. I put on a black hoodie, and made my way downstairs, thanking every religious figure possible that my mother and Jihoon were immersed in switching their attention from TV to a card game. They didn’t possibly have the attention span to notice me walking out of the house either. I walked to the coffee shop, and sat there waiting with a cup of black coffee for the kid to show up. I had been waiting for a while, and I was getting angry. Did this kid live in Japan or something? 

I grumbled, I looked at my watch, and I picked at my cuticles. And finally, this shows up. 

“What are you holding behind your back, bambi.” I said, when he finally reached me, looking suspicious as hell with one of his hands behind his back and the other waving at me. He looked down before taking a bouquet of roses out from behind his back, and handing them to me. I sighed and rolled my eyes while I took them. 

“The is this?” I said, trying to get him to make eye contact. 

“Well, I don’t know. I just thought since you’re my girlfriend and all and you’ve probably been waiting for a while.” He rubbed the back of his head while speaking. I don’t know if this is actually his personality, or if he got told at a young age that shy boys were cute and sought after, but he was really pissing me off. 

“Three things, dear” I may have raised my voice unintentionally, but I was tired, I was annoyed, and I was really regretting my decision at just black coffee. “First, look at me when we talk. I don’t know if you really enjoy my taste in footwear or what, but you need to stop acting like we’re 13. Secondly, hell yeah I was waiting a long time for you? What the hell took you so long.” I meant that to be rhetorical, but of course, he answered. 

“Well, my house is actually sort of far from this area, and I had to make an excuse to get my car keys from Wonsuk.” 

“You call your mother by her first name?” 

“No, she’s one of our staff.” He said, calmly, as if it was freaking normal to have people working for you. He must’ve noticed my facial expression because he quickly defended himself. “We live in a modest home, so she doubles as chef and one of the cleaning staff. We don’t have that many-“ 

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