I am not Jung Eunji. 

This is not what Jung Eunji acts like. 

Jung Eunji does not send nervous texts telling her fake boyfriend that she’s running late so she doesn’t have to see him. Jung Eunji does not get confused over boys. And Jung Eunji definitely does not thank the heavens when she realizes that today is only a half day of school. 

Usually, I only see that quim during lunch, and today, all the teachers had their monthly meeting, meaning us, the very fortunate students, would be granted permission to leave during the lunch hour, meaning, I would not have to interact with Sehun at all today. I strode into school only a few minutes before the bell so I wouldn’t have to see him, and I was going to sprint out of school, hiding behind Namjoo and Bomi so I wouldn’t have to see him, again. And just my luck, these two idiots were walking slow as hell, and I had to act casual so they wouldn’t suspect that I wasn’t exactly my “I don’t give a ” self. 

“So are we hanging today?” Namjoo said, while absentmindedly looking at her phone. 

“I don’t know, do you want to?” Bomi said, as she greeted and waved goodbye to everybody that passed her. 

“C’mon, you need to tell me about the whole Luhan situation anyway.” Namjoo said, nudging a now blushing Bomi. 

“There is no situation.” Bomi said as she looked at the ground. “I’m not even sure if I like him.” 

“Well we can talk about that and figure out if you do. C’mon, let’s get snacks.”

My ears perked up after hearing their topic of conversation. Of course, once again, for pure educational purposes, I too wanted to figure out if, how, and why Bomi did indeed become attracted in Luhan. Of course, it wasn’t to apply to myself, why would it be? I just needed to have it explained to me, for future reference. Also, I was Bomi’s sort of frequent acquaintance now, I wanted to know too. I casually strode a little bit in front of them, slowing my pace down once I was directly in front of them. 

“Oh, Eunji, are you not coming?” Bomi asked, and once again, I casually turned around and shrugged. 

“Sure, I have nothing to do.” I went back to my original walking place, next to them. I should really get awarded for my acting skills, really, as I looked perfectly in character, looking at my nails like I was disinterested. They didn’t even notice that I hadn’t stopped looking around like a paranoid freak, making sure Sehun didn’t come within a mile radius of me. We made it out with no signs of neither of the freaks, and I started to walk straighter and breathe calmer. 

“So, what are we even doing?” I asked as I continued to look as disinterested as possible. Usually, Namjoo and Bomi just dragged me around and I didn’t question it. I rarely talked, if anything, and they seemed to notice it because they both looked surprised that I was asking. 

“I never thought I’d see the day where Eunji actually gave a about what we’re doing.” Namjoo said and pretended to take note of it in her mind. Bomi, of course, looked ecstatic. 

“Yes, it definitely is a change, but a great one! I think we’re making progress! This is definitely a breakthrough, trust me.” Bomi couldn’t wipe the smile off of her face. 

“It’s like you guys are trying to get me to go home.” I rolled my eyes. Truth be told, it felt kind of nice, being out here with them, walking to a convenience store and picking out absolutely everything. It felt kind of, normal, to be honest. I was nearing the end of my high school experience, of my schooling experience in general, and just now was I beginning to hang out with people after school. Come to think of it, the trip to Sehun’s house was the only time I had ever slept over at anyone’s house, or gone to anyone’s house in a setting that wasn’t a party. All this time, I couldn’t really complain about being alone because in my mind, I wasn’t. But it was sort of fun, as much as I hated to admit it. 

It was fun, getting drunk out of your mind with people you didn’t know. It was fun, making mistakes that you regretted but came to laugh at. It was fun, sneaking out and sneaking back in, getting ice cream with other people, walking around in uniformed  groups like the ones you always thought annoyed you, but never knew you envied. Being youthful was fun. Doing every stereotypical thing possible was fun. It’s a shame it took me until recently to find out, and it was a shame that it still took trouble to admit. 

I looked over at Bomi and Namjoo, and watched them laugh at some stupid joke Namjoo made regarding an ice cream brand name. I smiled as they giggled about the attractive man in his 30s, obviously out on his lunch break. My smile grew wider as he noticed them and chuckled, sending them waves of happiness. Here were two girls who knew how to enjoy and squeeze every bit of youth they had out of them, and I wish I could’ve been more like them. I wish I wasn’t tied down by anger and I wish I wasn’t capricious. I wish I knew how to let go. I wish I knew how to live. 

I quickly hid my smile as they approached me carrying piles of snacks. We all bought our own bags, and I walked behind them and listened to them go on and on about everything completely meaningless. They were so carefree. And I suddenly became angry again