“Not going to school again, kiddo?” Jihoon called from my door frame. I don’t even know how long it had been since I had gone to school. Had it been a day, a week, a month? It seemed like a ing eternity, being swallowed up in the silence like this. 

“No.” I replied weakly from my bed. Jihoon nodded sympathetically and left me without another word. I really appreciated it, him not asking me endless questions or urging me to do something I didn’t want to do, but I couldn’t say anything. Every time I tried to open my mouth, little to no sound came out. I had lost my voice. 

I hadn’t received a single call throughout my time away from school. I had no idea what was going on in class, what important assignments I was missing. If Sehun and Hayoung were official by now. If Bomi and Luhan were doing well. If Namjoo had finally settled on someone. I had lost my friends. 

Throughout lockdown, I had attempted to blog again. I swear I stared at the blinking cursor for hours. The page was never filled up. No thoughts spilled out, not even complaints. I searched inside of me for so long, looking for something to write, but I was met with nothing. I ended up deleting the blog, and with it, my memories of the journey I had taken. I had lost myself. 

I slipped out of bed, grabbing my towel as I headed out of my room door. For the past, however long, I had been doing nothing but soaking in the tub. I spent hours, until the water was far past freezing, sitting there and thinking. Thinking was a bit of a stretch, though, since I really couldn’t think about anything. My mind was blank to anything but self loathing. My baths were repetitive, I could hardly call them enjoyable. Sitting, feeling the water go from boiling to freezing, desperately trying to find patterns in the drywall that I hadn’t already seen in the previous days, memorizing every corner of my bathroom, and fighting the urge to submerge my head under the water were what these baths consisted of. I must have gotten sick of it earlier than usual today, because my skin wasn’t even pruning when I pushed myself out of the tub. I wrapped myself up in my towel, not bothering to clean the water pooling at my feet. The trek to my room seemed longer than usual, and once I made it past the seemingly endless hallway, I plopped myself onto my bed once again. The strength was drained out of me; I didn’t even have enough energy to get dressed. What was I getting dressed for anyway? I was just going to slink back into bed, refusing to leave for any reason. I had only eat a couple of bites here and there. It seemed like I had forgotten what it felt like to be hungry. I felt like I had even forgotten how to be angry. Everything I felt was just blank. I didn’t even feel myself moving anymore; it was like my body began to act on its own accord, accepting that my conscious mind wasn’t going to do anything for it. I was halfway dressed when I finally noticed myself moving.With a sigh, I continued the familiar routine. Instead of going back to bed, though, I found myself walking downstairs, towards my living room. 

Sure enough, Jihoon was sitting on the couch, watching the same variety shows he always watched when he was visiting without anything to do. Only this time, he wasn’t laughing. I sat myself down on the couch next to him. He glanced up, surprised that I was out of bed. 

“What’s wrong, is today’s episode not up to par?” I used all my strength to try to sound like my usual self, but it was obvious, even to him, that I was nowhere near there. He looked alleviated when I first sat down, possibly hoping that I was determined to get myself back on my feet, but his face fell as soon as I spoke. 

“Hey…” he said softly, his voice in the tone someone would use to speak to a child. 

“Jihoon, I may be sad and all, but I’m definitely not five.” I replied, causing him to chuckle. As much as I wanted to join him, my voice felt cold, empty. 

“That’s a start.” He said quietly, moving to pat my head. I didn’t swat his hand away like I usually would. Instead, I welcomed it, taking it as an opportunity to slip into his embrace. He took a while to react, since it was so incredibly out of character. Sure enough, though, he put his arms around me, patting my back lightly as I began to let the tears flow out of my eyes. 

To be honest, I reacted that way because my father had patted my head like that when he was still alive, whenever I was feeling sad. I will never forget the rhythm or the feel of his hand on my head. Jihoon’s gesture was identical. 

“I miss dad” I managed to whimper out between my silent cries. I heard Jihoon clear his throat in an unfamiliar fashion, which could only mean he was getting emotional, too. He never showed emotion around any of us. 

“I miss him too.” He said, with a slight crack in his voice. 

I missed my father immensely right now. I felt like I needed him back to help me, to pick me up and assure me that things were going to be okay. To give me horrible advice that I would never follow while he tried to avoid the subject of me having lost a love, trying to maintain that I was still a little girl. And in a way,