“So is that a yes?” Jongup asked, through the phone. We had been on the phone for maybe thirty minutes, and the entirety of the goddamn conversation was spent on him interrogating me on whether or not I was going to the stupid awards night. 

“When does it start?” I asked, trying not to lose my patience with the only person who would talk to me. 

“Eight. Doors open at 7:30, but dinner gets served around 8:30 so we’re not all clanking our forks and knives together when the principal is giving the important awards.” 

I glanced over at my clock, seeing that it was already 5:30. Maybe I wasn’t planning to get all dressed up to sit there and eat away the school’s budget in the form of a thick cut of beef, but I still needed to look remotely decent. 

I my eyes scanned around the living room, where I was sprawled out on the couch, and examined its current state. There was Jihoon, reading a book and taking notes, glancing at me occasionally to make sure I was okay. He was doing that a lot more since my condition didn’t appear to be strengthening. At least I wasn’t getting worse, in some respects. 

I wasn’t falling apart, but I still wasn’t put together. I still felt ruined, but I knew better than to let it consume me. 

I knew I had nothing to do for the rest of the night, and that if I didn’t get away, I would just end up letting it consume me. 

“Fine. I’ll go.” I answered, defeated. I could tell that he was excited from the other end of the line, and I rolled my eyes at how genuine it seemed. It was annoyingly charming how much Jongup cared about me, unconditionally. 

“Do you think you’ll need a ride?” He asked. At the exact moment that he asked, my phone buzzed in my ear. I heard him speak more, but no words he was saying registered in my head. The text I received was from Luhan. 

Tick tock, Jung. Your time is running out. 

“Is that a no?” He asked, making me put the phone back to my ear. 

“What?” I questioned him, since I was so suddenly dazed by Luhan’s text. 

“I asked if you needed a ride?” He answered, putting more spacing between his words. I was going to make a snarky comment back at him, but the text was still at the front of my mind. 

Luhan was right. My time was running out, and if I didn’t act soon, Sehun would be done with me for good. That was something that I wasn’t ready for. 

I was already ruined, laying like a cracked porcelain doll, but I couldn’t let myself be completely broken. 

“No.” I said, thanking him. “I have something I have to do before I show up.” We said our goodbyes, hanging up afterwards. 

Slipping out of the room, unnoticed by Jihoon who seemed to be completely immersed in whatever he was reading, I climbed the stairs quietly. It was particularly hard for me, since I seemed to be hunched over and dragging my feet so habitually lately. Trying to make myself light and graceful was much harder than it needed to be. Upon entering my room, I immediately started searching for something to wear. I laughed, noting that most of the dresses I owned were less than appropriate. They were picked out by Namjoo after all, who claimed to like leaving things to the imagination, but didn’t exactly have the wardrobe choices to prove it. Trying to push the memories of them sitting in my room out of my head, I continued my quest to look for an appropriate dress. It was harder said than done. 

If it weren’t for my stupidity, they would be here getting ready right now. Well, it wasn’t all my stupidity; a lot of it had to do with a major taking joy in watching the world burn. 

I stumbled upon a simple black dress, with a high neck, and a hem above the knee. It wasn’t the most appropriate piece to wear to a school awards ceremony, but it was the most appropriate thing I owned. 

The more I thought about why I denied Jongup, the more my heart started beating like crazy. I needed to go see Sehun and set the record straight once and for all. If he was willing to listen, it would be great, but if he wouldn’t then I would be crushed, but I still wouldn’t be able to say that I hadn’t tried. This was no longer about me depending on someone, being afraid to become in touch with myself. Over the past few days of my isolation, I learned a lot of myself; there was only so much you could think about when you had nothing to do but stare at your ceiling. I had learned possibly everything there was to know about myself. I had battled my stupidity for so long, and I was finally ready to try to cure it. This was now me, admitting that I knew myself, admitting that I could survive on my own, but also admitting that I needed Sehun. Perhaps I didn’t need Sehun, but I sure as hell wanted him. He had helped me before I knew how to help myself, that was something precious to me. 

I wanted Sehun to be proud of how much I had grown in the time I spent away from everyone. I wanted Luhan to acknowledge that I was no longer a coward who hid behind the poison of words and tone of voice. I wanted Namjoo to tell me that she always knew that I was worth it. I wanted Bomi to look at me with the same affection that she had before the incident. I wanted my friends to be together again, Jongup involved. I wanted Jongup to see me be happy again, because he deserved at least that for his unconditional kindness. 

I tied my hair up after putting on the only makeup I could without the help of my girls. I was a bit unsatisfied with my results; I looked messy, despite my efforts to clean myself up. But I was glad, in a way, that the imperfect appearance definitely matched my interior. I hadn’t even left my room, but my heart could already be heard in my ears. I finished my look with a pair of heels, hoping that when I was standing in front of him, spilling my soul, they would make me feel less small. Slowly, gently, I walked down the stairs to the living room, to ask Jihoon to drop me off in front of the house to explain myself to the guy I loved. There was no boombox, no serenading, nor any cue cards displaying my true feelings. There was only me, my shaky voice, and my newfound worth. 

I arrived in the living room, clearing my throat to get Jihoon’s attention. He looked up, raising his eyebrows at me. 

“And where are you going?” He asked, with a slight smile that made me smile shyly in response. He was like a father commenting on his daughter’s appearance before her first date, and it was a sentiment that went further than he had probably intended, but that I appreciated nonetheless. 

“A school thing. Awards night dinner, or whatever. Before you ask, no, I’m not getting any awards because I’ll be lucky if I can graduate at this point in time, but I am getting an expensive steak dinner, so that’s worth something.” He chuckled at my rambling. “But before I indulge in my expensive meal, there’s something I have to do. Someone I have to apologize to.” 

He gave me a knowing glance, glad that I had finally revealed a bit of what had happened to get me so utterly depressed lately. 

“Well, I wish you all the luck in the world, and hope the light gets put back in your eyes.” I let out an exaggerated scoff at his sentiment, followed with a smile to let him know that I appreciated his kind words. 

“Can you drop me off at Sehun’s house, actually?” I asked. He checked his watch, his eyes slightly bulging out at the time. 

“I actually have somewhere to be soon, kid.” I raised my eyebrows, and he chuckled. “Yes, I too have a life and romantic interests, thanks.” 

I hadn’t exactly made a shocked face at this thought, although it was surprising because it seemed like Jihoon spent all of his ing time hovering around our hous