“I don’t understand.”

Jiyong puffed out smoke from his cigarette, staring at the starry night sky with emotionless eyes. He was tired. Really tired. But he didn’t know who to share his feelings with.

Daesung had decided to stay with Seungri as long as he could; which meant 24 hours long. He kept talking to him even though it was even more difficult for Seungri to understand now. But the doctor said it would be good if Seungri kept trying to think about something. His brain, at the very least, would always work.

Jiyong couldn’t believe, didn’t want to believe that Seungri's condition could worsen so fast.

Suddenly his phone vibrated. Jiyong looked at it; Yongbae had texted him. With a lazy movement he opened the text:

Yo. I asked Daesung to go home and take a rest. Can you go back and stay with the maknae for a while? I’ll be there in… maybe one hour?

Jiyong sighed. He knew that there was a reason why Yongbae was asking him. He went back to Seungri’s room with heavy steps. He slowly opened the door and found Daesung, who was getting ready to go.

“…I will be back tomorrow, okay?” Daesung told Seungri slowly while putting on his jacket.

Seungri shook his head slowly, “Don’t… need…”

“Of course I need to,” Daesung pretended to be annoyed, “I will bring you something. What food do you want?”

Seungri blinked for a while. Then he shook his head again, “No.”

Daesung smiled warmly, “I will bring ice cream. Is that okay for you?”

Jiyong bit his lips. He couldn’t handle the feelings he got when he saw Seungri in that state. But he knew he should pretend to be strong, so he joined the conversation with a light voice, “Bring us a bottle of wine, Daesung-ah. I’m sure the maknae will be okay with it.”

Daesung was happy that Jiyong sounded so playful, but he kept pretending to not care, “You’re gonna get high in an hospital? Like… seriously?”

“Not really,” Jiyong smirked, “but I’m sure the maknae would like that too.”

Daesung rolled his eyes, “Gotta go. See you.” And he left Jiyong alone with Seungri.

There was silence between them after Daesung left, until Jiyong finally greeted the other, “Maknae-ah?”

Seungri turned around to face his leader. He was so pale that it broke Jiyong’s heart. But he looked better than before—maybe because he had finally regained his appetite.

Jiyong sat down beside him, “How are you?”

Seungri slowly whispered a ‘fine’. He looked so tired, but he didn’t want to sleep, not yet.

“Hey,” Jiyong held Seungri’s hand tightly, “you don't look so good.”

Seungri smiled and shook his head slowly.

Jiyong brushed Seungri’s fingers slowly, “Maknae, do you understand me?”

“Hmm.”

“Hyung,” Jiyong pointed at himself. And his voice sounded so pathetic while saying, “is sorry.”

Seungri’s eyes widened. He was shocked. Sorry? Why did hyung say sorry?

Jiyong covered his eyes with Seungri’s hand. Seungri could feel his palm get wet; Jiyong was crying. Seungri panicked inside his heart. He didn’t like seeing Jiyong cry. He never had.

“H-hyung?” Seungri was taken aback now, “W-why?”

And that simple question made Jiyong unable to stop crying. He realized that Seungri had never been angry with him even though he had been such a jerk to him lately. More than a jerk. Jiyong felt that he had failed as a leader, as a hyung, as Seungri’s favourite hyung. Jiyong knew Seungri was in pain, he knew Seungri was trying to bear everything by himself, he had even blamed Seungri for everything… yet Seungri still acted nice towards him. Jiyong started sobbing louder while humming ‘sorry’ to Seungri. It wasn’t fair. Seungri should treat him badly too. Why didn’t Seungri just yell at him, or sulk, or better kill him immediately? Jiyong was a bastard, and he only realized it now.

“H-hyung?” Seungri wanted to cry too, he couldn’t bear to see his awesome hyung sad, “Why? T-tell… me?”

“Stupid!” Jiyong whispered in between sobs, “You are so stupid, maknae. Stupid! Why are you so stupid?! Stupid—“

“W-why?”

“I hate you!” Jiyong tightened his grip on Seungri’s hand, but he couldn’t stop his tears, “I hate you so much! I hate you!”

Seungri finally started crying too. He felt stupid. He felt bad because Jiyong hated him. He felt like everything was his fault. And on top of that, Jiyong was crying because of him. This wasn’t right. “So-sorry…”

Jiyong lifted his eyes to look at Seungri, shocked. And what shocked Jiyong even more was the sight in front of him; Seungri was crying, again. He had cried too much today. Jiyong had always believed Seungri to be strong. His strong baby would never cry. But look at him now; vulnerable, weak, with a tear stains on his flushed cheeks. And what made it worse was that Seungri said he was sorry. Why was he so dumb? “You little er! Who asked you to say sorry?! Take it back!”

“I-I’m sorry—“

“Why the are you apologizing?!”

 “Bu… but y-you hate… me…”

Jiyong shook his head, then nodded, but then shook it again. He didn’t know… he just wanted to cry. He hated Seungri for being weak. He hated Seungri because he could feel that the maknae was dying inside, but he didn’t know what to do. He hated Seungri because he couldn't give him an answer. He hated Seungri because he didn’t give him a choice.

But top of that, he hated himself for being such a coward towards Seungri.

“I… know,” Seungri’s voice was weaker now, “I am going to be… useless… I know…”

Jiyong immediately raised his head to look at desperate Seungri, “What?”

“I’m going to be mute…”

“No, Seungri!”

“I won’t be able to walk—“

“Seungri-ya!”

“I…won’t be able to do… anything…”

“Lee Seunghyun!”

“Afraid…” Seungri was trying to keep his sobs back but Jiyong could feel him trembling under his touch, “I’m… afraid… I’m—“ he choked again.

“Seungri!” Jiyong cupped Seungri’s wet cheeks, forcing Seungri to look at him, "What the are you rambling on about? What nonsense are you talking about?!”

Seungri looked right into Jiyong’s eyes. He could feel Jiyong’s sharp gaze trying to chop him up. But deep inside that stare, he could see another thing he would have never wanted to see in Jiyong.

Despair.

Seungri tried to think about what was making Jiyong feel this way. Was it because of him? Was Jiyong starting to think of Seungri as just another useless person? Was he starting to think Jiyong about leaving him alone? Seungri bit his lips. Jiyong leaving him... It sounded so horrible. Seungri knew he wouldn’t be able to bear it.

And that thought left him feeling like dying. He started sobbing harder. He knew he should apologize. Sorry for being useless. Sorry for wasting your time. Sorry for not being what you want me to be. Sorry for everything. Just, please, don’t leave me…

“S-Seunghyun?” Jiyong frowned when he saw Seungri looking so lost, “Seunghyun-ah?”

Seungri choked on his own sobs. He touched his throat: he suddenly couldn't feel any oxygen in his lungs anymore. He started breathing with his mouth, but the pressure on his chest wouldn’t go away. The pain was too much. His sight started to blur.

“Seunghyun-ah? Seunghyun-ah, what’s wrong? Seunghyun-ah?!”

Seungri looked at a conc