LETTING GO OF HER

Sehun just got back from dropping Haerin off back to her apartment. He carried his luggage inside and turned the lights on. For a moment it’s like something changed, nothing was really new but the ambiance was different. He felt different standing inside. The gloomy feeling that always latched to him whenever he steps inside was not there. He used to feel really desolated when he’s all alone as he plays back the memories of him and Youngmin but he didn’t look back at them to desolate himself like he used to. Sehun walked to the table with pictures of him and Youngmin, he recalled the memories but it didn’t have the same effect. He’d usually grow depress just looking at them but this time it felt different. He simply looked back at those beautiful memories just to remember how happy he used to be and how happy they were but in the end he smiled faintly at the frame he has in hand. He won’t forget her, that’s for sure. But something inside told Sehun that it was time to keep them away. Maybe it’s about time.

Sehun took his jacket off and threw it on the couch as he walked to his room. He grabbed an empty box under his bed and brought it to his living room. He took all the pictures of him and Youngmin together, framed or not, he arranged it in a neat pile and put them inside the box. Next, he took off the framed paintings—they were Youngmin’s beautiful artworks—and he placed it inside the box as well. Sehun then walked to the kitchen area, he opened the cupboard and took the couple mugs with him. Going back to the living room, he placed the couple mugs in the box as well and then carried it inside his room.

When he got inside, he settled the box on top of his bed and started moving around. He went inside his bathroom and took the spare pink towel, the spare toothbrush and the pictures of him and Youngmin taped on the bathroom mirror. He went out and placed them inside the box. Soon enough, the box was almost filled. Sehun took another empty box from under his bed and started filling it again with Youngmin’s left items. He opened his chest of drawers and took out some of her shirts that Sehun used to hug and cry to at night until he falls fast asleep. He rummaged his cabinet as he found some of her favorite blouse and large shirts that she used to wear around the apartment when she sleeps over. He placed them inside the box, neatly folded into a neat pile. He placed the two filled boxes of memories on the floor as he bent down to close them.

Looking around the room, it feels much spacious, not visually though. It feels as though that heavy ambiance it always carried was now gone. There’s finally room for new memories. He smiled satisfied as he let out a contented sigh. Now there’s just one more thing to do before keeping everything behind and daring to keep moving forward—see Youngmin and say goodbye to the sad memories of her passing.

Sehun went out of the house and passed by the flower shop where he used to buy flowers for Youngmin. The three old ladies were there and they were quite astounded to see him again. It’s been quite some time since he bought flowers.

“What flowers are you going to get this time, darling?” One of the three old ladies politely asked.

“Same old,” Sehun smiled and one of the three old ladies—the same lady who gave him the flowers for free during Christmas—moved inside to get him the flowers he asked for. When she came out, the flowers were exactly the same with the one he bought before and it also came with a pink bow, tying the flowers together.

He was about to pull out money from his pocket but just like the last time the lady stopped him from taking out his bills, “Don’t worry about it dear,”

“Are you sure?” He blinked.

“Yes. Now go give that to her,” The lady smiled and Sehun thanked her politely.

Sehun’s feet dragged him to the cemetery. He stood across her tombstone and he got down on one knee, placing the flowers on the grass. He smiled as he let a hand touch her name engraved on the stone. Her name will always be beautiful to him.

“Hi Youngmin, you missed me, didn’t you?” He teased as he comfortably sat across her tombstone. Sehun started blabbing about why he didn’t get to visit as much as he used to. He told her about school, projects, assignments, his classmates, the admirers and he told her about Haerin. He paused for a moment but continued on telling the story about that one girl in class who caught his heart.

“In some ways, she is like you but she’s still different in so many aspects,” He chuckled as he looked down and shook his head, “It’s really hard to explain what that girl is. Sometimes I find myself dumbstruck because sometimes there are no words to describe her, you know,” He said as he let his fingers pick pieces of green grass and play with it while he goes on with his story about Haerin.

“She makes me happy,” And with that he smiled, ending his story about Haerin.

“I did not go here to cry over everything that happened, like what I’ve been doing since you passed,” Sehun sighed and looked at her tombstone sincerely.

“I came here to let you go. To let my memories of you, free. I’m giving myself a chance to be happy and go on without you. To love like I’ve never fallen before, to smile like I’ve never smiled before, to laugh like there’s no tomorrow. To be happier than I were before you left. But it’s not because I want to forget you or everything we had. It’s simply accepting the reality that you’re not physically here anymore but you’ll always have a space in my heart,”

He stood up with a contented smile on his face as he looked down on her tombstone. Sehun turned around and let out a breath, “Always,” He whispered as he walked out of the cemetery.

It was like a heavy weight was lifted off of his shoulders. He wasn’t carrying around the billion reasons to keep himself away from people who care about him and who loves him. It was like being able to breathe again without a dark past haunting the back of his mind every single time. He smiled as he kept his hands inside the pockets of his coat. It’s time to move on. It’s time for him to keep moving forward.

When he got home, he immediately called his cousin Yixing who has something that Sehun wants. He mentally praised himself for thinking of his first surprise for Haerin. Now that his mind is free of old memories, Sehun wanted to immediately start making new ones. After placing the call, he t