[New York, five months later]

I wiped the last bits of make-up on my face, smiling at the people inside the dressing room. “Good job today, Taeyeon!” A voice shouted from outside the door and I rolled my eyes, knowing exactly who the person was. A knock on the door followed and one of the make-up artists opened the door. Yuri stood by the door, leaning his body against the doorframe with a wide grin on his face. He was already wearing a white tee-shirt under a leather jacket, jeans and his favorite pair of black Jordans. I smiled back at Yuri, rising up from my chair to walk towards him. When I was standing in front of him, he suddenly pinched my cheeks before pulling me for a hug. I laughed, finding comfort in Yuri’s arms that had been my home since we arrived in New York.

“Why don’t you two just get together.” Yuri and I both turned to look at Anna - one of the casts of the musical we just finished. “I mean..” She shifts in her seat. “Look at the two of you. You look so perfect for each other. And that grin on Yuri’s face definitely tells me he is loving this topic.”

“What?” I heard Yuri say, and I could tell from the sound of his voice that he was trying to hold his laughter. I sent an elbow towards his ribcage. “How could I be with her when she’s this violent?”

“Sure.” Anna waved him off before turning back towards the mirror, trying to wipe away all the make-up on her face. “You know Taeyeon’s nothing like that.” She smiled at me through the mirror and I felt my cheeks heating up. Anna was a beautiful woman. Intelligent. Talented. She was everything I wanted to be and so much more. “You’ll be lucky to be his boyfriend for a week.”

Yuri didn’t answer, but from the corner of my eyes I could tell that his expression turned serious. Maybe he was thinking about the same thing that was running in my mind. Maybe he was thinking about all those times he tried confessing his love for me. Although I’ll never understand what Yuri sees in me. He was supposed to be dating some hotshot model, not wasting his time pursuing plain ol’ Taeyeon.

Yuri cleared his throat. “Anyway, I came here to ask the both of you if you wanted to join me for dinner?”

Anna stood up, turned towards Yuri as she said, “Am I really invited or is it just because I’m here that’s why I’m included?”

“Don’t be silly, Anna.” Yuri shook his head with a chuckle. “Of course you are invited.”

“Thank you Yuri, but I think I’ll pass.” Anna took her coat from the rack before walking towards me. She smiled at me before kissing my cheeks. “I’m having dinner with my girlfriend tonight.”

My mouth was left agape as Anna walked past me. It still feels weird whenever Anna talks about her uality and her girlfriend. Not that I was homophobic, no. I just can’t seem to wrap my finger around the idea of a beautiful woman choosing to be with a girl when there are a hundred of men lining up for her attention. But maybe that’s how love works. We could never choose who we fall in love with, no matter how much we try.

“W-Why don’t you bring y-your girlfriend.” Anna stopped just right outside the door, turning to look at me with a sly smile. “I mean, we haven’t met her yet. D-Don’t you think it’s time for your friends to meet her?”

Yuri looked at me with a confused expression. I always told him what I thought about Anna dating a girl. “Are you sure?” he whispered, loud enough for only the both of us to hear. I nodded.

“Text me the address of the restaurant, we’ll be right there.”

**

I know staring was rude, but I can’t seem to take my eyes off of the couple across from me. They were so touchy I can’t help but inwardly cringe. Anna’s girlfriend, a San Francisco-born blonde, whom I didn’t manage to catch the name, was smiling sweetly at Anna while running her fingers along the dark, wavy hair of my co-star. They were talking about something that I didn’t quite caught, yet again. I was busy staring, trying to comprehend why two beautiful women wouldn’t choose to be with men and build their own family.

I mean, wouldn’t it be wonderful? Raising your own child, cooking for your husband, and all those things wives do.

I admit that growing up in South Korea and sticking to our culture never exposed me to these kinds of relationships, and so I still find it weird. But I will never tell Anna about it. I respect the woman too much to do that. And besides, I realized, if they truly love each other, then that’s all that should matter, right?

“Tae,” Yuri whispered, breaking my train of thoughts. “You haven’t touched your food.”

I turned to look at him before looking at the plate in front of me. Yuri was right, I haven’t touched my food. “I—“ I glanced at Anna and the blonde, only to see the blonde smiling at me. I smiled back, although awkwardly. “—I’m sorry,” I told Yuri. “I was just thinking about something.”

Yuri nodded and beckoned me to start eating. I did as told.

“So,” the blonde woman broke the silence that settled in our table. I looked at her. “How come I’ve never met you guys before?”

“Baby, we’ve only been together for a week,” Anna chimed in, her hand moving under the table before a giggle erupted from the blonde. I didn’t even want to know what happened there. “And these people are way too busy with their own world to even meet people.”

The blonde’s eyes brightened up. “So, you are a couple?”

I shook my head. “We’re just friends.”

“Aw, she just drew the line on you,” she said in a teasing tone and from the corner of my eyes, I saw Yuri shifting awkwardly in his seat. “Well, who needs boys anyway?” She laughed. High-pitched. Irritating. “I mean, no offense, Yuri.” Her voice was sweet, and I’ve never heard anybody say Yuri’s name so perfectly. “Boys are great, fun. But when they get tired of you, they just—“ there’s a certain sadness in her tone. “—leave you.”

Our table fell silent again, a tensed atmosphere engulfing us. I wonder if Yuri got offended. He usually doesn’t mind these things. Anna, on the other hand, wore a straight face; the one she always uses for the press. And the blonde, she was, well, sad.

“Oh god, what am I saying?” The blonde chuckled. “I’m being irrational again, aren’t I?” She shakes her head. “Of course not all guys are the same. I’m sorry, Yuri. No offense meant.”

Yuri shook his head. “None taken.” He tilted his head to my side and I was met with his tender gaze. I wonder what was going on in his mind at that moment.

**

After bidding Anna and her blonde girlfriend (yes, I still haven’t got her name. Anna only calls her babe or baby, and Yuri never spoke to her) goodbye, Yuri and I decided to walk to my apartment since it was just around the block. Yuri had his hands shove in his pocket, his eyes focused to the front as if he was in deep thoughts. Neither of us spoke but I like it that way. I needed the silence. Yuri never liked being silent. He would coax me to talk everytime we were together.

“She’s one peculiar woman, isn’t she?” Yuri starts, breaking the silence. I could already see the old building of my apartment. “She and Anna is a perfect match.”

I hummed and nodded my head. They do match, and perfectly at that.

Silence.

I could feel Yuri hesitating beside me. His steps becoming uncertain. He raised a hand to the back of his head. “Do you still miss him?” I whipped my head towards Yuri, tilting it so I could stare at him. He was a tall man.

“Who?”

He sighed. “Jesse. Do you miss him?”

Do I miss him? Of course I do. So much. But how could I tell Yuri? How could I tell him that six thousand, seven hundred eighty-eight miles away and one hundred fifty-two days later, I still miss Jesse? That I still think about the guy like it had only been yesterday when he told me he can’t let me go. And how could I ever hurt Yuri by admitting so?

And just like that, my mind wanders to Jesse again. How is he doing? What is he doing? Does he miss me, too? Does he still think about me? Of course there was no way to tell. But there’s still that little corner in my heart that hopes—wishes that he miss me too. That I still cross his mind – somehow.

“Tae,” Yuri said in a soft voice, wrapping his fingers around my wrist to stop me from walking. I faced him, eyes connected with his. Yuri was perfect. He was someone you’d want to spend the rest of your life with. He’ll make you laugh, he’ll make you cringe at how cheesy he is, and then make you smile again at how sincere he is. He is perfect. But my heart just can’t seem to let him in. At least not the way he wanted me to – not the way I wanted to.

“Yul..” I looked away from him. I can see the hurt in his brown orbs and it was weighing down on my heart, like daggers being thrown at it. I didn’t want to hurt Yuri, but that was just what I’m doing right now. It made me realize how I might have lead him on for the longest of time.

“Hey-” He put a finger under my chin and tilted my head back so I was looking at him again. He offered me a smile, and I returned it with a genuine one. “It’s okay. It’s not your fault.”

I bit my lower lip. How can it be not my fault? It was because of me that he’s hurting.

“Look,” he said. “Just forget everything I said to you before, okay? Let’s just be normal friends again. Like the Yuri and Taeyeon from college.” He grinned. “Although I liked you since then, but that’s beside the point. You get what I mean, right?”

“I think I kind of miss them,” I said honestly. I do miss the old times. Not just the times I had with Jesse but the times when everything was still so simple. When I would fall asleep in my lectures because I was up all night playing video games with Minho, not because my thoughts kept me awake.

“Me too.” Yuri cupped my cheeks and placed a peck on my forehead. “Me too.”

I hugged Yuri, silently thanking him for sticking with me. For putting up with me. And for simply being Yuri. He was my home away from home, as I was for him.

It may not be now, but I know someday I’ll be able to love again. And when that time comes, I know it would be Yuri.

“Let’s get you inside your apartment,” he said, taking my hand in his. “It’s getting late and it’s getting cold.”

I nodded before I was pulled by a sprinting Yuri, making me run with him. Our laughter echoed in a silent street in Manhattan. It was freeing; being this close to Yuri without the fear of leading him on. At least we know where we stand now, and it was clear.

But amidst our laughter, Jesse’s face appeared in my head. Smiling, telling me how he’s happy that I’m happy and that he misses me like I miss him. I tried pushing him to the back of my head but the image was incessant, and so I let him occupy my mind for the rest of the night as I lay awake in my bed. There was still so much I wanted to ask Jesse but couldn’t. There was still so much I wanted to tell him but couldn’t.

And for now, I’ll just send those words through my dreams, hoping that it’ll reach him – somehow.