I followed Yoona as she dragged me towards the upper floor with Yuri following close behind us. None of us talked. Scenarios filled my head - Jesse in a coma, Jesse losing one leg because of a car accident, Jesse losing one arm - there were so many of them, and I tried to shove them all to the back of my head. What if it wasn’t Jesse in there? But who could be in there except for him? Of course it was Jesse. He’s the only connection Yoona and I had.

We stopped in front of a room at the end of the corridor. I noticed Yoona’s form tensing up once again before she turned to face us. “You can’t tell him you’re here,” she said. “Just don’t speak, okay? Or don’t make any unnecessary sound.”

“Wait,” Yuri intervenes. “Who exactly is he?”

“Your boyfriend can’t come, too.” Yoona shook her head and I was fast to answer her with a ‘He’s not my boyfriend.’

She stared at me for a second before looking over at Yuri. “Jesse-oppa.”

“Jesse Jung? FC Seoul’s Jesse Jung? Taeyeon’s Jesse Jung?” Yuri’s tone was confused. Yoona only nodded at him.

That’s when the pounding of my heart grew louder, I felt like my chest was going to burst open any time soon. I felt like I was going to choke on my own breathe.

“W-What happened to him? How long has he been here?”

“Seven months long,” Yoona said. “And I’ll tell you what happened to him later.”

“T-That’s the same time I flew to New York,” I managed to croak out. I wanted to prolong the moment outside. I wasn’t ready to see Jesse in a hospital bed yet. Because I know, whatever happened to him was some serious stuff that had him caged in the white room for seven months.

“Do you want to see him, or do you not?” Yoona’s jaw clenched, as if she was holding her tears. “If not, you can just go.”

I nodded once, twice, and thrice. I wanted to see Jesse - I’ve never wanted to see him this badly before, but something inside my head told me that I shouldn’t. “I want to see him,” I said finally, pushing the nagging voice at the back of my head. It was now or never, right?

Yoona took in a deep breath before gently turning the doorknob and pushing the door open.

I had my eyes fixed on the white ceiling as we silently slipped inside the room. I noticed from the corner of my eyes that the walls were painted light blue, just like the color in Jesse’s apartment. Averting my gaze to the wall, I saw cutouts of my face from newspapers, to print ads to posters attached to it. Those were from my shows in New York. I was sure.

I couldn’t quite will myself to look at the hospital bed just yet, but when I heard Yuri’s breathe hitching in a low, almost subtle, gasp; I immediately turned towards the bed.

“Yoong?”

His voice was so low, so weak; his lips almost not moving. There weren’t any tubes connected to him, only an IV. His eyes were closed and Yoona signaled us to keep silent.

“Oppa,” she said, taking hold of his frail hand. He was too thin, and too pale he almost looked like he was part of the sheets.

His lips curved into a weak smile. Yoona adjusted his beanie and I noticed that there was no hair beneath it. Jesse was bald, and the realization dawned on me.

“Where have you been? I finished all the dumplings.”

I could feel my tears welling up as I listened to him talk. His voice was hoarse – strained, obviously trying to sound strong but it was futile.

“That’s good,” Yoona said, her eyes reddening almost immediately as she continued holding Jesse’s hand. “You should eat more so you’ll be healthy again.”

Jesse let out a dry chuckle before the room fell silent again.

“Are there any new newspapers or posters?”

The lump in my throat grew larger until I couldn’t take it anymore. The floodgates opened and I cried silently in Yuri’s arms, who was fast at catching me. Yoona looked at us, and from my blurred vision, I could see that her own tears were falling too.

“Yoona?” Jesse asked again.

“T-Taeyeon’s on a break, oppa.” I heard Yoona say. “She won’t be back on stage until the day after tomorrow.”

There was a weak sigh; something uncertain and wistful. “I’m glad that she’s taking breaks. That woman is so stubborn when it comes to her performances.” He chuckled again, a little louder this time, but still weak. “I knew she’s going to be big. She was an extraordinary artist.”

I shook my head. Everything was too much. I pushed myself up, not wanting to accept everything. No, this could not be happening. Jesse can’t be sick. He can’t. He was strong. He was healthy.

I hastily went out of the room, hearing footsteps behind me and Jesse’s weak voice asking Yoona what was happening.

“Tae!” Yuri grabbed my hand, stopping me just when I was about to turn a corner. “Taeyeon, look at me.”

I shook my head, hanging it low as hot tears continued flowing to my cheeks. I don’t want to look at Yuri. I can’t look at Yuri. When I do, that will only confirm that this is happening. That this wasn’t just part of some bad dream.

“Hit me, please.” I shook Yuri’s arm. “Hit me, Yul, please.”

“What?” Yuri’s hands came to cup my cheeks before he gently tilted my head upwards.

“Hit me, please.” I took hold of his wrist, swinging it so that he would slap me. “I need to wake up, Yuri. I need to wake up. I need to wake up now.”

I didn’t know how long I have muttered the words ‘hit me’ until I felt Yuri pulling me in his arms. Caging me. Holding me together. But that wasn’t what I needed.

“I told you to hit me!” I yelled, pushing him away from me.

His jaw clenched before he moved back in front of me. He had his hands on my shoulders and he shook me gently. “You’re not dreaming,” he said, his voice growing weaker, too. “Jesse’s there, inside that room, weak. Probably dying.”

I felt anger building up inside me, and before I knew it, my hand was already coming to Yuri’s cheek. “How dare you say that,” I spat. “How dare you say he’s dying!”

Yuri exhaled a deep breath, his hands balling in fist on his side. “You saw him yourself,” he looked away from me. “He’s too weak to even open his eyes. What do you expect? For the whole world to tell you that you’re just punk’d? That your Jesse is still there, alive and well?”

I glared at Yuri. Frustrated and hurt at his words.

“Look,” he said in a more gentle voice, taking my hand again. “Either you walk out of this hospital now and forget this day ever happened, or you walk back inside that room and face reality.” He rubbed the back of my hand with his thumb. “You choose.”

It should have been easy. I should have chosen without second thoughts. I should have. But I could not. Not with Jesse laying on that bed helplessly, probably waiting for that time he’ll finally bid this world goodbye.

“No,” I muttered before turning back to my original destination.

My feet moved and I felt Yuri’s grip on my hand tightened. When I pulled it away, he reluctantly let go of me.

“Tae, you’re making the wrong choice!” I heard him say after me.

“There is no wrong choice,” I mumbled to myself. “There is no wrong choice.”

I mumbled the same thing over and over as I rode the taxi back to the house we were currently living; my tears never stopping for once. There is no wrong choice. Choosing to pretend that everything was normal wasn’t wrong. At least not for me.

When I reached the house, Anna and her girlfriend were already waiting for me outside. I felt arms envelope me before I sunk into another body. And there, I cried louder, letting the heavens hear my silent pleas. I take back my wish, I told whoever was listening up there. I don’t care if I don’t see Jesse anymore, just please, please, let this all be a dream. Just please, please, make Jesse healthy again.

There was no answer, but the world turned black and I succumb to whatever force it was that was pulling me away from reality. There is no wrong choice.