I was anxious. Uncertain. I wasn’t exactly myself when I called Yoona and asked her if I could talk to her. Of course she said yes. But now, now that I’m actually in the building of the hospital where Jesse was, I could feel myself chickening out. I wanted to turn away and run from it again, because talking to Yoona means knowing the details. And knowing the details means confirming that Jesse is sick.

“You came.” Yonna’s voice rang in my ears just when I was about to walk away... again.   I my heels. “Yes,” I said as I walked closer to her. She was standing just outside the door and I feel so ashamed for running away the other day. I focused my gaze to the floor, rocking my body back and forth. I didn’t know what to ask Yoona or where to start. I just wanted to talk to her.

“Let’s talk somewhere else,” she said before walking past me. I followed her with hesitant steps, my head turning to look at the door to Jesse’s room every now and then.

“Will he be okay, alone?” I asked as I followed Yoona.

She looked over her shoulder for a brief moment. “His doctor is there.”

After a few moments, Yoona and I were already seated on a bench in the rooftop.

“I always go here to cry,” she said, breaking the silence. “It has been my sanctuary for the past seven months.”

I tightened my grip on the surface of the bench. This was it.

“What- what happened... to Jesse?”

Yoona heaved a sigh before she leaned her body on the backrest. Crossing one leg over the other, she casted me a brief glance before her head tilted upwards; to the sky.

“Jesse-oppa has Lymphoma.” I turned to look at Yoona, the words bouncing off the wall of my skull. Cancer. Cancer. Jesse has Cancer.

“He was diagnosed six months after you moved in together,” she continued. “He didn’t think of anything about it at first. You know how he is.” She shook her head, lips curved into a forced smirk. “But then the fever came and went more frequently than he first noticed it. He noticed he often gets breathless just after a few minutes of practice. Then he out because of fatigue one time while he was in the field and he was rushed to the hospital—”

“Why didn’t I know all of these before? We were still living together at that time.” I was hurt. And it may have reflected in my voice. Jesse was sick and I didn’t even notice. But I was more hurt that I was left in the dark all those times. I could have been there for Jesse.

“Unnie,” Yoona said. “You know how Jesse-oppa is. He didn’t want to worry you about it thinking that it will just go away after some medication. He said you were stressed enough because of your school, and he didn’t want to burden you with it.” Yoona sighed again. “He had high hopes that he will get through it, that’s why he never told anyone. Not even his mother.”

She shifted; her body turning towards me as she looked at me. Her round, doe-like eyes spoke so much that everything was finally sinking in. And it hurts, because in Yoona’s eyes, I saw defeat there.

“When they first saw the tumor, it was still in stage two. So he went for medication as what the doctors had advised him. But the cancer kept growing and spreading. Then he called my sister, Joohyun, who is an Oncologist in this hospital.”

Silence.

“When she first heard of what happened to Jesse-oppa, she immediately booked us a flight to Korea. She became his private doctor while I became his private nurse. I looked after him and his activities. He was one stubborn guy, though.”

Yoona laughed bitterly. She went on to explain Jesse’s condition, and I felt bad for not seeing the signs. He frequently complained about always having an upset stomach before, or his body felt sore but we just brush it off and thought it was because of his football practices. I didn’t give it much thought before, too.

There was silence between us for a long moment. I tried processing everything I gathered from Yoona. Jesse being diagnosed with Lymphoma, him keeping things from me because he didn’t want to worry me, Jesse suffering without me, and now.. after a year and a couple of months, the cancer has turned terminal. Chemotherapy was futile. Jesse was, indeed, dying.

“He never stopped thinking about you,” Yoona said. Her eyes were closed, as if she was trying to sleep... or forget about everything. “When we first got back here in San Francisco, he heard about your first Broadway show. He was so ecstatic at the thought of you performing in a new stage with a lot more audiences. He wanted to go to New York. He wanted to see you perform in Broadway, for the first and last time.” Yoona’s lips curved into a small smile. “Joohyun was against it. She wanted Jesse-oppa here to get more rest and medication. But Jesse-oppa never liked rules, and I think you know that.”

I nodded at Yoona.

“So he booked us a flight to New York without Joohyun knowing. He looked a lot healthier back then, too. And so we watched you on that stage—you were brilliant, by the way.” Yoona uncrossed her legs and stretched them out. “I’ve never seen him that proud of someone ever since we were kids,” she said. “He was bragging about you until we returned here that I thought I was going to go deaf.”

Yoona laughed before patting my knee twice. “He really loves you, Taeyeon. He loves you so much.”

“Then why—”

Yoona stood up. “I think it’s for him to answer.” She smiled before extending her hand towards me. I took it and she pulled me up before we walked back to Jesse’s room.

I walked towards the end of the corridor again, steps certain and determined this time. I cannot just give up on Jesse. I cannot just leave him like this, even if I try to. I was made for Jesse; that, I’m sure.

“And one more thing, Taeyeon—” Yoona grabs my wrist just before I could twist the doorknob open.

I looked at her quizzically. I noticed she her lips before her bottom lip. I remember I saw her doing the same gesture while we talked in the rooftop and I assumed it was her habit to distract herself from nervousness or awkward situations.

“Jesse-oppa, he’s.. h-he’s b-blind.”