I found myself riding shotgun in Jesse’s Range Rover; my left hand in his as we let silence envelope us. We were, once again, headed to his apartment. This was like a replay of all those times I succumb to my weakness – I succumb to Jesse. He fetch me, he take me home, we have , I wake up and leave, we wouldn’t see each other for days and then the cycle goes on.

Tonight though, something felt different.

We walked up the stairs to Jesse’s unit in silence. I never liked riding the elevator and I think I’ve rub off on Jesse because he stopped using the lift since we’ve become official too.

When he opened the door, I immediately stepped inside, plopping my body down on the couch and my bag on the floor. I felt the fatigue coming over me for the first time that day.

Jesse stood in front of me, head tilted to watch me. I briefly glanced at him and chose to lie down on the couch instead, too tired to even utter a word.

It had only been a few seconds after I slipped into oblivion when I was awakened by arms behind my neck and at the back of my legs. I opened my eyes when my back left the comfort of the couch, encircling my arms around Jesse’s neck, afraid that I would fall if I didn’t.

“I got you, don’t worry I’ll never let you fall,” he said, placing a peck on my forehead. It would have been nice if those words meant more than what it actually did. One can always hope.

I arched a brow at Jesse when I noticed him walking us to the bathroom instead of his room. He merely grinned at me.

“You should wash up first before sleeping,” Jesse said, putting me down on my feet in front of the mirror. “I could still smell...” He trailed off, leaning down to smell the fabric on my shoulder. For a moment I thought he knew about what happened to me and Yuri earlier. But that was an absurd thought for there was nobody there but me and Yuri. He made a face before holding the hem of my shirt and pulling it upwards, slipping it off of me.

I did the same to him - ing his shirt before taking it off of him, dropping the fabric on the tiled floor. My hands unconsciously went to the skin on his stomach, tracing his perfectly toned abs before my index finger graze the skin just above the waistband of his boxers. I traced the three letters written on dark green ink, heart fluttering at the thought that at one point, Jesse loved me more than anything else.

He never liked tattoos and piercing. He hated those things and he was so vocal about it. Of course I agree, because I could never imagine Jesse staining his skin with those. But one day, after a huge fight that erupted between us, Jesse came home with the letters KTY tattooed on his lower abdomen. I reprimanded him about getting inked, but I could never deny the fact that I was flattered beyond belief.

I wrapped my legs around Jesse’s waist when he lifted me off the floor by my . Our lips connected instantly in a hungry kiss. I suddenly felt guilty; just hours ago, I was kissing another man and now I’m wrapped around Jesse’s arms.

Jesse walked us to the shower, gently pressing my back on the wall as he positioned us under the shower head. Jesse’s lips moved from my mouth to my neck, and I moaned. I didn’t know how much I was craving for Jesse’s familiar touches until that moment.

**

I lay awake in bed, body bare under the warm covers; my head was resting on a strong arm and my legs were tangled with another pair. We were yet to dress up after showering and it didn’t bother me a bit.

“Can’t sleep?”

I looked up to Jesse when I heard his voice. He looked back at me with gentle eyes as his hand my hair.

I let out a contented sigh. Why can’t we be like this again?

“Why aren’t you sleeping yet?” I asked, instead of answering his question.

Jesse chuckled before his free arm pulled my body to his. I was flush against Jesse, our chests touching. I hid my face in Jesse’s neck and he had his chin on top of my head. I didn’t want to detach myself from him. I wanted time to stop.

“I don’t want to sleep,” he admitted. “I wanted to watch you sleep tonight.”

My cheeks warmed up and for a moment I didn’t know what to say, so I just nuzzled his skin with my nose, eliciting another chuckle from Jesse.

“Jess,” I said, trying to make my voice sound serious. He pulled away gently and looked at me as if he was asking me to continue.

“Why are we doing this?” I said.

“What exactly is this, Taengoo?”

I sighed. “I mean this.” I shrugged my shoulders. “You, me, sleeping together? Acting like we are still together then acting like total strangers the next day.” My hand found his, and I intertwined our fingers. “Aren’t you getting tired of this, Jesse?”

He brought our intertwined hands to his lips, kissing the back of my hand. “I am tired, Taengoo,” he said. “But I can’t stop.”

I chewed on my bottom lip for a moment, trying to find a better way to say the words I wanted to say without sounding desperate and clingy.

“Then don’t stop.” I rubbed my thumb on the back of his hand. “Let’s just be together again like before.”

Jesse just stared at me, his expression unreadable; eyes blank as if he didn’t hear anything I said. He pulled me back into a hug instead of answering and I felt my frustration building up. It was just a matter of yes or no but he still couldn’t decide on his answer. He was always indecisive and it was starting to frustrate me.

“Believe me, you don’t want to be with me again, Taengoo.”

There was sadness in Jesse’s voice and I frantically pushed him away to look at him but his grip around me was just so strong I had no choice but to relent.

“Why not?”

“Because I’m broken, Taengoo.”

“Then let me fix you.”

“I hope it was that easy.”

I didn’t say another word, accepting defeat. Whatever Jesse was going through, I was obviously not allowed to know.

His lips pressed against my forehead as he lulled me to sleep, humming our favorite song.

**

I was still wrapped inside Jesse’s arms when I woke up the next day. Glancing at the clock, I let out a sigh of relief when I took note of the time. It was still early; the graduation ceremony will not start until two in the afternoon.

I gently moved out of Jesse’s embrace, not wanting to wake him up, before I walked to the bathroom to fix myself.

I brushed my hair, noticing the red mark on the skin above my chest; at least Jesse knew not to put it on my neck. I thought back to my conversation with Jesse last night as I applied make-up to my face. I didn’t understand what Jesse meant when he said he was broken. Then again, maybe Jesse didn’t want me to understand. He would have explained if he wanted me to know.

“You look so y with your hair, you shouldn’t have brushed it.”

I looked at Jesse’s reflection in the mirror as he leaned on the door frame with only his boxers on; the KTY on his lower abdomen screaming at me.

“How long have you been there?” I said, putting down my lipstick. I turned to look at him, leaning my on the sink as I crossed my arms over my chest.

Jesse just smirked.

“Jesse, look..” I held his gaze, subtly telling him that I was serious. “I can’t do this anymore.”

Jesse nodded, a small smile adorning his face. I wanted to punch him; how dare he smile while my heart was breaking into pieces once again.

“I’m going away.”

“Where?” His brows furrowed slightly.

“Somewhere far, somewhere I could chase after my dreams.”

Jesse’s lips were pressed into a thin line and for a moment, I thought I saw him flinch.

“Are you okay?” I asked. “Jesse are you okay?”

“Huh?” He blinked at me. “Oh, yeah, I’m fine.” He smiled and walked to me.

“Good luck with everything, Taengoo.” He pulled me into his embrace, his head falling to my shoulder before he placed a peck on the skin just below my ear. “I wish that you’d be able to reach your dreams this time. Don’t let anybody hold you back again.”

I nodded, gently pushing him away from me. I held his gaze. I was finally bidding Jesse our final goodbye. And although it hurts, I think it was the right thing to do.

Tiptoeing, I placed a peck onto Jesse’s lips before walking out of the bathroom and out of his apartment.

I thought my heart was not capable of breaking anymore; but again I was wrong, because with every step I took towards the stairs, I felt like a part of me died until I was left with nothing. I couldn’t even bring myself to cry. I was drained, inside and out.