I've never felt this nervous before, not even when I first stepped my foot on that Broadway stage for my first performance. I was a nerve-wreck. It had been almost five hours since Jesse was transferred to the ICU but he has yet to wake up. I sat there, staring at him, hoping that he would open his eyes soon and smile like he always does in the morning.

A tear involuntarily rolled down my cheek. I wasn't ready to let go of Jesse yet. I will never be ready.

Reaching out, I held his hand in mine, feeling the warmth in them. I was a little relieved that there was still a sign of life in Jesse. But I wasn't contented with that. I wanted to see him awake. I wanted to see him smiling. I wanted Jesse back.

I saw Jesse suffer for the times I have spent with him in the hospital. I saw how he tried looking fine for my sake. I saw him vomit as his body rejected the food he took in. I've heard him subtly cry out in pain almost every night, thinking that I was asleep. And what kills me is that I was never able to do anything about it but watch helplessly as he suffered. If only I could take half of the pain he was feeling, I would. I was willing to share his pain.

But that was impossible. And it kills me every time.

Feeling a tap on my shoulder, I looked up to meet Yoona's eyes. She smiled at me. “Jesse's father is here,” she said, glancing out at the glass window. I nodded my head, stood up and placed a kiss on Jesse's lips before exiting the room. I bowed at his father when we met outside. He bowed back as an acknowledgement. It was actually my first time seeing him.

**

A day had passed and Jesse was still unconscious. Joohyun had said he wasn't exactly in a coma but they couldn't figure out why he wasn't waking up yet.

I sat on the same chair I had occupied yesterday before Jesse's father came to see his son as I held Jesse's hand again. “Your dad came to see you yesterday,” I said. “He seemed to be a good man. We also talked about you. He said you were the best thing that ever happened to him and your mom.”

I brought his hand to my lips and kissed the back of it. “Jess,” I said, my voice sounding strained in my ears. “I need you.”

I wiped the tears in my cheeks. “Please, please come back.”

I intertwined our fingers, admiring the silver band in his ring finger. “If you go... at least take me with you.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I can't do it alone... I just can't.”

My heart clenched at the thought of living life without Jesse. It will never be the same, knowing that he will be gone and there will never be a chance of me seeing him again. I don't even want to think about it.

Jesse's hand weakly squeezed mine and I jumped up in excitement, hovering my face above his. “Jesse?” I called, a smile stretching from my lips.

He didn't respond, but his grip on my hand tightened.

“Do you hear me?”

He squeezed my hand again. I kissed his lips before happily calling Joohyun from the intercom and she appeared just a few minutes later.

“Is he going to be okay?” I asked anxiously as Joohyun checked on Jesse, a frown forming in her lips.

I saw her hesitating when she finally turned to look at me. Her eyes gave her away just in time my consciousness processed the beeping from the heart monitor and the flat line displayed on it. I felt numbed, like my chest was punched a million times before it felt hollow. I shook my head. “No, no,” I said. “He can't... do something!” I shook Joohyun, my vision blurring because of my tears. I heard her cry but I couldn't care less about it. “Do something! Aren't you his doctor?! Do something!”

Bodies rushed inside the ICU and I heard the faint sound of murmurs and a loud, “Clear!”

My feet felt like they were glued to the floor as I stood my ground, eyes taking in the scene before my eyes. Kyuhyun was reviving Jesse while Joohyun stood just as helpless as me. I saw Jesse's body slightly rising up and falling back down again as Kyuhyun held the defibrillator in his chest.

After what an entire lifetime, Kyuhyun turned towards me, his eyes apologetic as he raised his arm  and looked over his watch. “Time of death, 9:22 A.M.” He shook his head at me before pulling his wife in his arms, calming Joohyun down. Yoona stood there at the side of Jesse's bed, face pale as she stared at Jesse's body.

With all the energy that was left in my body, I willed my feet to cross the distance between me and Jesse's bed. When I reached it, I couldn't move. I didn't know what I was to do. I refused to accept that he was gone.

“Jess,” I croaked out as I hugged his body. “Wake up.” My chest tightened. “Wake up, please.”

I was gently pulled away from the bed by strong hands. It was Kyuhyun. “Shh,” he said. “It's going to be okay, Taeyeon. It's going to be okay.”

That was a lie. Things will never be okay.

I shook my head, pushing Kyuhyun away from me as I ran back to Jesse's blanket-covered body. I tugged the blanket down and cried for him to come back. But he never did. Jesse was gone, along with the hope I had built up. Everything was broken.

I pushed my way out of the ICU, feeling bitter towards fate and how it toyed with us. Just when I finally had Jesse back in my arms, he was abruptly taken away from me, never to be back again.

I boarded a taxi, going to the only destination I know in the city. When I reached the house, I immediately ran up to the kitchen, knowing exactly where she was. I needed her. I needed someone. Anyone that would not remind me of the hospital and what had occurred.

I ran straight into the arms that had held me in the nights that I would let myself cry for Jesse. She always understood what I was going through even without asking me. I ran into the arms of Anna's girlfriend.

“Jessica,” I said through my sobs. “He... he's gone. Jesse is gone.”

Jessica held me in her arms as I cried. “It's going to be okay.”

But it won't, and I'm sick of people telling me it's going to be okay when they know it would never be okay. I have lost Jesse. I have lost my husband. I have lost the biggest piece of my heart.