Jesse

I couldn’t sleep. Not with my wife lying beside me, a hand resting on my chest. I wonder how she looked like in that moment. I searched for the diamond ring I gave her, rubbing my thumb against it when I finally felt it. Then I brushed my fingers on the other ring she was wearing in the same finger – our wedding ring. My hand clumsily searched for her face, and when I finally found it, I rested my palm on what I assumed was her cheek. I leaned in, hoping my lips would end up in hers - which fortunately did - as I placed a peck on it. I smiled to myself. I am so lucky to have Taeyeon.

I stayed in that position for a few more minutes, listening to Taeyeon’s steady breathing and feeling her warm skin on my palm. I know she had been tired for the past few weeks, and even though I couldn’t see her anymore, I can just imagine her stressed out face. I wonder how many nights have Taeyeon spent crying for me – for us. And once again I felt guilty. She didn’t deserve to go through something like this. If only I didn’t approach her that day in the café, maybe she was living a happy life with someone she could grow old with.

Then again... would have life been worthy without Taeyeon? Would my last days on Earth be as happy as they are right now if I didn’t meet Taeyeon? More importantly, I experienced something beautiful with Taeyeon and I am sure I would never trade that for the world.

And I realized I don't really have the heart to wish I never met Taeyeon. Who was I kidding? Life without Taeyeon would have .

“I love you,” I whispered as my finger traced the – what I assumed was - contour of her face. Her skin felt so nice on mine. “Always.”

I heard her sigh in her sleep as I felt her hand clutching onto my shirt. “Jess,” she whispered sleepily and I wondered if she was awake. “Don’t go.”

As if on cue, I felt a growing pain in my stomach. I dismissed it until I couldn’t handle it anymore. I gasped for air, feeling my lungs tightening. “Taeyeon,” I whispered desperately, hoping that it was loud enough for her to hear as I press the button beside my bed, remembering what Yoona had told me about it.“Taeyeon I’m scared.” My voice sounded like whimpers in my own ears, I wasn’t even sure if I managed to let the words out before the pain continued gnawing at my stomach. A powerful, raging pain.

After what felt like eternity, I felt her shifting beside me... then there were many hands... and Joohyun’s voice telling me to calm down, trying to assure me I was going to be okay.

Then everything went silent, and I was falling; a heavy weight landing on my chest as it pressed me farther down. I was drowning – in what, I didn’t know. But I was drowning. I could feel it. I tried shouting for help but I couldn’t find my voice, all I managed to do was croak out incoherent words that even I couldn't comprehend.

I continued falling for what felt like forever, the heavy weight on my chest gradually leaving until it was totally gone and I could breathe again. My visions suddenly came back; I wasn’t living in the dark anymore.

I stopped falling. Everything felt easy. I felt really, really light. As if I could fly.

Adjusting my vision, I realized I was in a familiar place. I could never forget the place - the café in Seoul where I met Taeyeon. And she was there, seated at the farthest corner of the small café (where she always sat), earpods plugged in her ears as she read her notes. The scene was very familiar. In fact, it was the same scene on the same day I met Taeyeon. Even her clothes were the same. I could never forget.

“Hi.” A voice sounding just like mine spoke from behind me and I immediately turned to check who it was. My eyes widened. It was me, three years ago. I didn’t know what exactly was happening but I stood there, watching the scene play in front of me like a movie. It was surreal.

I saw myself knocking on Taeyeon’s table and she looked up with an annoyed face. I remember feeling scared for a second then. But Taeyeon was the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, that I was sure in that moment.

I watched myself asked for Taeyeon’s name. She didn’t give her name away, dismissing me with a wave of her hand. But I was persistent, and before she went out of the café, I have successfully gotten her name. I remember coming home happy that day. There was something enchantingabout Taeyeon that got me hooked the first time I saw her.

As the days passed by, I kept seeing her in the same café.When I finally got the chance to talk to her for the first time, I embarrassed myself by blabbering nonsense. Fortunately, she found me funny that night and had laughed along with my corny jokes that she had probably heard a million of times already. That night, when I got home, I lay awake in my bed until the sun came up. I stayed up all night thinking about Taeyeon’s unique laughter and how her eyes would curve into crescents and twinkle whenever she tries stifling her laughter. I know I was falling for her right then and there.

I was abruptly pulled away by something I couldn’t see, and the next I know I was standing inside a theater hall. I recognized it as the theater in Taeyeon’s university, where she always practiced. Music filled the hall and my eyes followed the silhouette at the center of the stage. It was Taeyeon, I was sure of that. I can recognize her even with the lights off. I remembered watching her in that certain time so I whipped my head to where I remember I was hiding – at the farthest row. And sure enough, I was there, eyes focused on Taeyeon as she practiced. We were already together for a month that time and I badly wanted to see Taeyeon dance, but she never wanted me to see her. She said she easily loses focus whenever I was around. Little did she know, she made me nervous with the mere thought of her watching my matches. But I let her watch because as much as I felt nervous, I also wanted her there, cheering for me.

She was wearing a green dress as she sang her heart out. It was the first time I saw her wearing a dress. You see, Taeyeon isn't exactly the 'feminine' type; she preferred t-shirts over blouses and pants over skirts.

She caught me watching her in that theater and had profusely blushed when I made my way towards the stage. “You’re so creepy,” she had said with flushed cheeks. I merely grinned at her then, climbing up to the stage before pulling her to me, capturing her lips with haste. She was so beautiful when she was doing her thing in the stage. Well, she was beautiful in everything she does, but there was just something majestic about Taeyeon and the stage. They were a perfect match; Taeyeon was made for the stage.

Looking at myself and Taeyeon, lips locked together, I realized that we were a beautiful couple. And the thought of it made me a little sad. For the first time since my cancer reached the terminal stage, I felt sad because I was going to die soon and would probably not see Taeyeon anymore.

Again I was pulled away from the theater andinto a room. It was the room of my apartment. I looked over my bed, and through the light from the lamp post outside, I could make out the silhouettes of two bodies in it. It was me and Taeyeon, our bare bodies hidden under the covers. It was the first time we made love.

A smile unconsciously stretched from my lips as I moved to Taeyeon’s side of the bed. She was sleeping peacefully as I spooned her, intertwining our fingers. I was awake then, not being able to sleep as Taeyeon’s moans invaded my mind for the rest of the night.

The scene was cut short as my surrounding changed again. I was inside a clinic. That was the time I’ve known about the cancer. I remember feeling so defeated then.

I kept everything from Taeyeon, afraid that she’ll do something stupid like declining some good opportunities just to stay with me. She always had that tendency. I remember seeing an acceptance letter from a school in Chicago for advanced acting that she had declined. It’s too far, Jess, I can’t be away from you for too long, she had said. Although I felt happy that she valued me that much, I can’t help but feel guilty too. I was holding her back, and I know how much she desired that scholarship. I didn’t want to hold her back, and if she knew that I had cancer, I was pretty sure shenever would have accepted the offer in New York.

Then scenes of us fighting played before my eyes like slideshows. It was also the time that I had been receiving medication from my doctor in Seoul. I wasn’t feeling any better, and I know I wasn’t going to feel any better soon. And with a heavy heart,I broke up with her. I was happy and sad that we did. That was what I wanted in the first place – to rid Taeyeon of the inevitable pain she would have to go through if we continued being together. But it was killing me. I felt so lost without Taeyeon.

I dated girls, purposely making Taeyeon’s friends see me so that they would tell her. I didn’t want to hurt Taeyeon that way, but I figured it was the easiest way for her to hate me and eventually forget about me. I wasn’t getting any better. I can feel every bit of the cancer spreading in my body.

But I couldn’t do it... staying away from Taeyeon, I couldn’t do it. I just kept coming back to her. I needed Taeyeon more than I ever did.

Then I was pulled back to the theater hall again. I saw myself hiding in the same spot I always hid whenever I came to see Taeyeon without her knowing. And there, in the stage, was Taeyeon and Yuri... kissing. My heart ached, as if I was seeing it for the first time again. It was painful to see Taeyeon in the arms of another man, yet I couldn’t possibly keep her. I couldn’t be selfish.

The scenes came and gone faster, as if someone was pressing the forward button. Everything I saw was Taeyeon... laughing, crying, smiling, singing in the Broadway, laughing again and more crying, calling out for me in her sleep. All of those were of her in New York. I never knew she was still going through the separation anxiety even after all that she have achieved.

Time abruptly stopped and my surrounding changed once more. This time, it was the hospital in San Francisco. I saw myself walking in the hallway, looking anxious as I read through each name outside the room. Then I stopped in front of a room, fingers ghosting over the door knob. As I finally opened the door, I saw myself hesitantly stepping inside the silent room. And there, in the hospital bed, was my sibling with bandages all over their face.

The surrounding shifted once again and I found myself lying in the hospital bed inside the operating room. That was the time I donated my cornea to my sibling. I remember Yoona protesting against it before, but as always, I was persistent. I didn't need it, anyway, I have seen the most beautiful things in life - one of them being Taeyeon - and had lived life to its peak while my sibling still has a life ahead of them. I couldn't let my sibling live in the darkness knowing that they had no one to come back to. After all, I got all the best things in life while they struggled without a father. I figured that was the least I could give them.

There was silence before everything turned pitch black and, once again, I was falling into something I didn’t know. The feeling of drowning coming back to me as the heaviness in my chest weighed me down. I couldn’t quite understand it; it was weighing me down yet freeing me at the same time.

Suddenly I felt lighter than earlier, acceptance crawling underneath my veins. I knew it was time. A song of coming home played faintly from a distance as I continued falling.

“Jesse, it's time.” The voice of my late mother rang in my head and I felt a soft, air-like kiss placed in my cheeks.

I closed my eyes with a smile; I was ready. I have fought a long battle, and I was honestly tired.

For the last time, Taeyeon in a wedding dress appeared vividly in my mind. That was how I imagined her in our wedding – stunningly beautiful that even words would fail to describe her.

Taeyeon was the most beautiful piece of heaven I have ever seen and I was happy that even when I was still alive, I have tasted heaven in its most beautiful, majestic form.