Glorious. That was how Jesse looked in the field. I didn’t realize until now how much I miss seeing Jesse let loose in his natural habitat. Football was something Jesse had always enjoyed. The field was his home; his own personal stage. And, as I trained my eyes on him, I cannot disregard the wide smile plastered on his gorgeous face as much as I want to. Goodness, how can anybody be so handsome even when their face is full of sweat? How can Jesse still look so flawless even though he looked like he was going to pass out any second from now?

And then there’s my younger brother, running after Jesse who was skillfully bringing the ball towards the goal.

Minho’s football lesson from Jesse started three days ago, and as a form of payment for the lessons, I was forced to accompany Minho. For what, I have no idea. All I know is that I said yes to Jesse as soon as he asked me to come to their practice every day. It was an impulsive act, and I’m sure Sunny wouldn’t hesitate to give me a piece of her mind because I couldn’t keep my promise of staying away from Jesse yet again. But I just can’t. I feel like the moth and Jesse was the flame that I always get attracted to, even if I know that somehow, someday, I’ll get burned.

I shook the thoughts away. It was not the time to be thinking about anything else. I was here to look after my younger brother, anyway; it was not as if I’m here to flirt with Jesse or anything.

“Noona!” The amount of joy in Minho’s voice had my lips parting into a smile as he waved at me from the field. He was facing the goal, the ball in front of his right foot. “This is for you, noona!” Then he brought his arms up above his head, forming the shape of a huge heart. I laughed at his antics before sending back a big heart.

From the corner of my eyes I saw Jesse walking towards the bench I was currently sitting at. I pretended not to notice him until he sat down beside me. I did not tear my gaze away from Minho as he tried kicking the ball towards the goal, only to get frustrated every time the goal keeper manages to catch the ball; but he did not stop and continued kicking the ball.

Feeling movements beside me, I turned to finally look at Jesse for a second. He was gulping from his bottle of water like he had been walking in the Sahara desert for a year. Shrugging his weird behavior off, I turned back to look at my younger brother - just in time for Minho to successfully score a goal. I gave him a thumb-up as he pumped his hands up in the air.

“Are you okay?” I said, not bothering to look at Jesse, when I heard his labored breathing. I’ve never seen –or, in this case, heard Jesse this tired before.

He hummed before letting out one, deep breath.

“I haven’t seen you in a while,” he finally said. I didn’t know what he meant about that because I remember talking to him about Minho’s request four days ago, and I remember being there the first day they started practicing.

“I’ve only skipped practice for a day, Jess.” I tried sounding nonchalant but my voice betrayed me as it wavered at the end. Jesse was moving closer to me, his body heat radiating; I didn’t have to look over him again to know that he had taken off his jersey shirt. I tried scooting away from him, only to feel Jesse’s arm wrapping around my body, his hand holding me by my waist securely.

“Careful, Taengoo,” I heard him say before I was pulled flush against the side of his body, my forearm touching his sweaty abdomen. I realized I was going to fall off the bench if Jesse didn’t manage to catch me.

“Thanks,” was all I said as I pulled his hand off of me.

We sat in silence, my heartbeat racing with each moment that our skins brush. Jesse didn’t say anything, but I could feel that something was bothering him. And when I finally looked up at him, his brows were furrowed, lips pressed into a line as if he was suffering from something. I subtly checked his arms and legs for any injuries or wounds but there were none. I wonder what was bothering Jesse. It couldn’t be me, right? Since he was the one who asked me to be here.

Then again, he could have just said that because he was worried he couldn’t handle Minho. Not that my younger brother could be a pain in the , no. Minho was a nice and polite kid, my father and I never had any problems with him in school and at home.

“What are you thinking?” Jesse’s voice pulled me out of my reverie.

I shook my head. “I could ask you the same thing, you know.”

I heard Jesse chuckle and the butterflies in my stomach went crazy. Goodness, does he even know how much he is still affecting me? I guess not, because just as his laughter died down, his arm went to snake around my body once again, his hand resting on my right lap. How dare this guy touch me as if I was still his girlfriend? But why can’t I push him away? And why… why am I enjoying this?

“See that bald man over there?” Jesse pointed a finger at the man across the field. He looked like a professor with his white shirt tucked inside his black trousers. I squinted my eyes to take a better look at his face but it was futile. He was too far for me to make out of his face.

“What about him?” I didn’t mean to sound uninterested but my voice came out just like that.

A weight landed on my left shoulder before I heard Jesse sigh. He buried his nose in the fabric of my shirt before I felt him kiss the skin below my ear. And, of course, my insides did a somersault just by that single move. I was going crazy for Jesse, and I’m afraid if we continue like this, I’ll totally go insane. I didn’t want that. I can’t lose my sanity yet.

“He’s scouting me for London,” Jesse said and I felt my whole body froze; as if someone poured a pale of ice water at me. I didn’t know why, but I felt extremely sad.

“T-That’s good news,” I tried to say. “This was your dream from the start. That’s really good news.”

London was Jesse’s goal ever since he started playing football. And with his skills –and not to mention, looks— he could be the David Beckham of South Korea. I used to tell him before to say yes when the time comes that the people from London notices his skills. But now that it’s finally coming true, I didn’t know what to say.

“I didn’t,” was Jesse’s short answer and I had to stare at him just to confirm if I heard the words right. “I declined their offer, Taengoo.” There was sadness in Jesse’s voice and I didn’t understand why but I felt the need to comfort him. On reflex, my hands reached out to his other hand that was resting on his own lap. I weaved my fingers with him while my other hand was on top of his, rubbing it gently.

Jesse didn’t speak after that and I chose to wait for him instead of prodding. Jesse didn’t like it when people get too nosy. Of course I was an exception, but it still didn’t feel right to prod.

I still can’t believe Jesse declined their offer. I’ve lived long enough with Jesse to know that he wanted nothing but to be in London and play for London. He feels so ecstatic just by the thought of it, and I would often that he just wanted to go there because of the girls and their pretty British accents, ending up with Jesse promising to bring me with him in London if that happens. So now, I don’t understand what’s holding him back.

I heard a sigh from Jesse before he retracted the arm he had on me. I retracted my hands too, immediately missing the familiar warmth we seem to always share. It was still a wonder how those little tingling sensations stayed even after what happened to us. Heck, it was even a wonder how we managed to stay friends –sort of, kind of— even after breaking up. I was never the type of girl to stay friends with my ex; so when Jesse called me three weeks after breaking up, asking me if I wanted to have coffee with him as if we were never a thing and just long friends wanting to catch up on each other, I spat some bitter words on the phone and hung up on him. But the guy had always been persistent. So when he called back two days after that, I had given in. Who was I to deny that I miss him, anyway?

Our silence was disturbed when his phone rang. I fought the urge to look over the caller ID as he held the device in between his hands. I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. I was curious. And, well, people were right when they said curiosity kills the cat – because the same Yoona that called the last time I was in Jesse’s apartment was displayed on his screen. Ruffling his hair once, Jesse excused himself to answer the phone.

I was jealous.

Was this Yoona the reason why Jesse couldn’t accept the London offer? She was that important to him? Because when we were still together, he never had second thoughts about London.

“Noona.” Minho stood in front of me, a smile gracing his lips. I smiled back, trying to focus on my brother instead. Whatever Jesse’s decision was, shouldn’t be of my concern anymore. “Noona, do you want to drop by McDonalds? I’ll treat you.”

I chuckled, standing up from the bench as I dabbed a face towel on Minho’s sweaty face. Of course I needed to tiptoe because he was way taller than me. How is he even taller than me when I’m much older than him?

“Taeyeon?” The voice from behind Minho had me peeking behind my younger brother. A smile crept up to my lips when I saw Jonghyun; Jesse’s team mate. I’ve met Jonghyun at a party prior to meeting Jesse. He was actually the first one to court me but there was just no spark. All I felt for Jonghyun was just friendship and nothing more.

“Jjong!” My voice sounded chirpier than I intended it to be. I can’t help it, it had been ages since I last saw the guy. I was actually excited.

He smiled widely before opening his arms, to which I immediately dived in. We laughed while he hugged me, only to break it off when someone cleared their throat from behind me. I saw Jonghyun smirked before I turned to look at Jesse, who was now wearing a fresh shirt, left brow raised.

“I heard you’re single now,” Jonghyun said as I turned to look back at him.

I rolled my eyes. “What took the news too long to get to you?”

Jonghyun chuckled. “Well, somebody might have filtered the news and told everyone that you just went home to your father and you were still together.”

I chuckled nervously at Jonghyun, not knowing what to say. “It was nice seeing you, Jjong,” I said instead, grabbing Minho’s hand. “But I have to go now, someone’s treating me McDonalds.”

Jonghyun nodded before saying, “When should I treat you dinner?”

I snorted out a laugh. I still find it funny how Jonghyun tries to make his voice sound deeper whenever he asks me these questions. “I’m not free until Thursday because of my graduation.”

“Oh, you’re already graduating? Ah, I want to see your final performance—”

“Come on Taeyeon, I’ll take you home.” Jesse’s voice was stern and I turned to look at him again. His expression was unreadable and he refused to look at me. His eyes were fixed at something behind me.

“It’s okay Jess, I’m going to McDonalds with Minho anyway.” I smiled at him but he still didn’t look at me. I turned to look at Minho but he was busy with his phone. “Come on, Minjung,” I said and Minho groaned in response but complied nonetheless.

“Taeyeon wait.” It was Jesse and I didn’t realize that he had his hand wrapped around my wrist until he pulled me towards him. It was so fast that I didn’t have time to react as my lips collided with Jesse’s. His kiss was so rushed I didn’t even have time to respond before he pulled away, eyes glued on Jonghyun. “I’m taking you there,” he said before I was once again pulled; this time towards the parking area.

We weren’t halfway out of the field yet when a woman stood at the entrance. I didn’t really dwell on her since I thought she was one of the players’ girlfriend. But then Jesse stopped walking, causing for me to bump on his back. I tilted my head to look at the back of his head, just in time for him to glance over me. “Are you okay?” he said before he turned his head back forward, not even waiting for my reply. I said a low yes and was about to resume walking when I heard Jesse call out, “Yoona.”

I frantically but subtly peeked from behind Jesse to take a better look at the girl named Yoona.

I’ve always been confident about myself. Sometimes I act a little timid but I was never really insecure. But right at that moment, every ounce of confidence had left my body. I’ve never felt this insecure in my whole life. Beautiful couldn’t even equate to what I thought this Yoona girl was. She was stunning in a simple white dress that ended just below her knee, her light brown hair flowed flawlessly down to her shoulder, her eyes were as round as a deer’s and they fit her face perfectly, I could clearly see her smooth skin as she moved to cut the distance between us. She wasn’t just attractive. She was breathtaking; that, I could tell for sure as I glanced at Minho, who had his mouth slightly opened as he stared at Yoona. I was sure he had the same thought as I had.

Then I realized that if I were Jesse, maybe I would never exchange Yoona for London, too. No, it would never cross my mind.

There was a smile on Yoona’s face as she stood in front of Jesse. He hasn’t uttered another word yet and I did not dare look at his face for I know it would hurt me. What if I see a sweet smile on his face?

“Oppa.” I looked back at Yoona, who hasn’t noticed me and my brother yet. The look on her face turned from happy to worried. I didn’t understand. “You played?”

I heard Jesse chuckle before pulling Yoona into a hug. My heart clenched. I didn’t know my heart was still capable of breaking.

“Oppa, you shouldn’t--”

“Why are you here?” Jesse let go of Yoona but my heart was still beating irregularly - in a very bad and hurtful way. I was then pulled by the wrist and I tilt my head to the side to see Minho smiling sadly at me. He understood, and I couldn’t be any more thankful in that moment.

I fought the urge to look back at Jesse and Yoona, trying to channel out their conversation even if it was so hard. I willed myself to think about my last performance for the graduation, my life after graduation, the annoying dog in our neighbor who finds it funny to have a barking party at three in the morning, the cats my aunt raised... anything to get my mind off their conversation. Anything.

“...come with me...last day...Joohyun.”

But of course I wasn’t so successful in channeling them out. I could still hear bits of the conversation. Deciding that it was best to take our leave now, I pulled Minho by his arm, only to be stopped by another pair of hand around my left wrist.

“Taengoo?”

I let out a deep breath before forcing a smile on my lips. I turned to look at them with a pleasant expression - or at least that’s what I thought.

“We’re going now, Jess. Thanks for today.”

Jesse’s brows furrowed for a split of a second before he nodded. He pulled me closer to him and I dragged Minho with me. We might have looked funny in that moment because I noticed Yoona stifling her laughter.

“This is Taeyeon,” Jesse said, looking at Yoona. He then turned to me. “Taengoo, this is Yoona.”

“Oh,” Yoona’s face lit up. “The ex-girlfriend, hello!”

Ouch. Did she really have to rub it in? For a moment I felt a strong hate against Yoona but it immediately subsided. I was being irrational. How can I hate her when she’s just stating facts?

“Hi,” I said instead. “This is my brother, Minho.”

Yoona smiled at Minho, extending her hand for a hand shake. I fought the urge to laugh at my brother’s shaky hand.

“It was nice meeting you but I’m sorry we can’t stay long,” I said after a few moments of silence. The tension between us was so thick I swear Yoona could sense it. But if she really did, she didn’t show it.

“It’s alright.” Yoona’s smile never faltered and for a moment I believed it was genuine. Could she be really okay with her boyfriend still hanging out with his ex? I felt envious towards her confidence. I was the jealous type and girls had been always part of our arguments before. Heck, I was still jealous even after our break up.

“I’m taking you there, remember?” Jesse said, his brows furrowed back and my hands moved up to smooth it out in reflex. When it hit me what I was doing, I immediately retracted it, muttering an apology I hope Yoona heard.

“Oppa, but we have an appointment today, too.” Yoona’s face turned serious and I felt a little guilty. “And you weren’t supposed to play--”

“Yoong,” was all Jesse said and I saw Yoona rolling her eyes before crossing her arms over her chest. I ducked my head, my gaze landing onto the pair of black flip-flops Yoona was wearing. How does one manage to look so elegant in flip-flops? I don’t get it.

“It’s okay, Jesse, it’s just a walking distance anyway.” I looked up and met his gaze for a second. There was something in his eyes. It was as if he was telling me something I can’t really comprehend. But it could be just me reading too much into things, too. I just shrugged it off before squeezing Minho’s arm, signaling him to start walking and take me out of the awkward situation I found myself in.

“Taengoo.” Jesse’s voice was awfully low and I didn’t even notice that he still had his fingers wrapped around my wrist until he let go of it. I was rooted in my spot as I watch Jesse leaning his face down onto mine, and in the corner of my eyes I saw Yoona. That was when I managed to catch myself and pushed Jesse by the chest just before his lips touched my forehead. I caught the shocked look on Jesse’s face before I started walking away from them, pulling Minho with me. My brother looked just as shock as I was.

**

I didn’t understand. How could Jesse almost kiss me in front of his new fling--girlfriend--whatever? But as I sat inside the fast-food, head leaned against the glass wall, my mind couldn’t help but wander to the way Jesse looked at me. There was something in it, the only problem was I couldn’t seem to tell what it was. And I felt sad at the realization that Jesse was becoming harder and harder for me to read. Could it be because I stopped trying to understand his little movements and just settled for what he wanted me to see? Or could it be because Jesse was putting on a mask and he didn’t really want me, or anyone else, to know what was going on behind it. But why would he do that? Although he always seemed unreadable for people, I couldn’t think of a time that it came to this extent. Or maybe I’m just reading too much into things again?

But I can’t help it. Jesse was acting weird. He broke up with me, then three weeks after that, called me to have coffee with him - which, by the way, led to our current set up; then he started acting like he was still head over heels with me. And if he was, then why aren’t we together again?

I was immediately pulled out of my trance when the sound of the plastic tray lightly hitting the table registered in my mind, followed by my brother’s worried voice. “Noona.”

I blinked, leaning my head away from the glass wall to straighten up on my seat. I put on a bright smile for Minho, only for him to shake his head at me. He looked worried, and my smile immediately dropped. I didn’t have to pretend to be okay; Minho knew and he understood. I didn’t even have to tell him I needed two cups of McFlurry because he already brought three cups of it and two orders of extra large fries.

“It’s going to be okay,” was all Minho said and I didn’t answer him. Well, what could I possibly tell him? That I don’t think it will ever be okay? That I feel like my world’s crumbling down? That I feel so pathetic for always running after Jesse? But I couldn’t, and I saw him sigh before pushing the cup towards me. I smiled at Minho, grateful that he was never the nosy-type of sibling. I think it runs in our blood, though. My family never prod on things, but like everything in this world, it also had a downside to it. My father lost my mother because she felt like he did not care enough for her, when he just didn’t want to suffocate her. They broke up, and my mother was now with another man. We never saw her again after she left home.

“How did you know I want a McFlurry?” I said, changing the subject. Minho’s lips curved into a smile before his lips parted into a grin. He didn’t answer and just continued scooping from his cup.

“Noona,” he finally said. “If there’s one person that knows you completely, that would be me.”

A genuine smile crept onto my lips and before I knew it, I was grinning back at Minho.

I forgot I was upset and heartbroken in that moment.