His parents asked me to speak at the funeral.

At first I wanted to politely refuse, standing on the ground that funerals are for dead people. I firmly believed that Kris was indeed not dead, and that I would not partake in this ritualistic farce.

Sadly, I didn't have the heart to tell them this.

So, I graciously accepted it, even forcing out a tear or two to sooth them in the sense that them asking me to speak was the most amazing thing in the world. Which in a way, it was.

I just didn't wanna believe all of this.

They decided to hold a small viewing in Korea, but ultimately we would travel to China for the funeral. At first my mother wanted my whole family to tag along, but my father quickly shut that idea down.

I was grateful that he was finally standing up to her craziness.

"Kai," I heard someone call. I turned seeing Sehun at my bedroom door, giving me a sad smile. "Hey, man." He said. "Can I come in?"

I nodded, sitting up from my bed so he could sit down too.

"How are you holding up?" He asked, gently sitting on the bed next to me. I shrugged, crossing my arms over my chest and leaning back against the head board.

"Alright I guess," I paused. "Just tired I guess."

Sehun nodded, cuddling up next to me and resting his head on my shoulder. "I'm still not use to seeing you without hair." He commented.

I let a faint smile grace my lips. "Jealous that you'll never be able to pull off this look?" I said running a hand over my head in a slightly dramatic way.

Sehun chuckled, giving my arm a shove. "Yes, I'm so jealous that I'll never be as handsome with a bald head as the fabulous Kim Jong In is." He replied.

For a moment it felt like everything was normal, which I was grateful for. I hadn't had a moment of normalcy since Kris died.

"Do you miss him?" He asked softly.

I let out a sigh, laying my head against his. "Yeah." I said.

Sehun reached over for our hands, lacing our fingers together. "I'm here for you, ya know. If you ever wanna talk, or cry, or scream at the world." He tilted his head up. "I'm here."

I nodded, giving his forehead a kiss. "Thanks Hunnie." I whispered, laying my face against his hair. Sehun was the only one, besides Kris, that I would have ever been this way with.

I hated it when other people saw me cry, but for some reason it was okay around them.

"Sehun," I whispered, my voice barely coming out.

"Yeah?" He replied.

"Life ."

"I know."

"I'm mad that he died."

"I know."

"It hurts so ing much."

"I know."

I began to let the tears fall, heavy sobs wracking my body, each one harsher that the first.

The suffocating feeling returned, bringing with it a whole new set of pain. I couldn't handle it. I couldn't breath. I couldn't think.

The only thing I could do was cry.

Sehun moved around to where he was the one holding me, and just let me cry, my head and gently whispering, "It's okay, let it out." Over and over again.

For once, I felt like I had Kris back.

~*~

They made me stand with the family.

Normally, I wouldn't have a problem with this, but the way a funeral goes is that the family greets all their guests, and family members whom they have not seen in years, right by the casket.

Yeah. You can imagine how I felt.

I was honored that they felt I was part of the family, but honestly I couldn't stand being by them.

Shaking the hands of people I'd never met, hearing them so how amazing Kris was when they didn't really know him to begin with.

I knew him.

I knew every little detail about him. They just knew of him. And they would never get the chance to know him the way I did.

That thought made me feel the slightest bit better, that I was the only one who was allowed to see the real Kris.

A few people called him Kris, but the majority of them called him Yifan. All of them crying, or showing looks of sadness as they passed by me. A few of them looked disgusted, but I think that's because they didn't know he was gay.

I didn't care.

Today wasn't a day to focus on them, or even Kris' family.

We were there for Kris.

So that's what I did.

I didn't do any of it for anyone there.

I shook the hands of complete strangers, I hugged crying relatives, I with held the urge to slap all the hateful looks of people off their faces, for Kris.

Besides, if he had been there he would have been cracking jokes about every single one of them, even his family.

That made me chuckle a little, but I held it in.

It's not polite to laugh at funerals.

~*~

The pastor would not shut up.

He droned on and on about heaven and about angels and every single thing you could think of to say at a funeral.

"This is not a sad day, it's a celebration."

"We're here to cheer on our brave friend in heaven."

"Yifan, has received his ultimate healing, he will never be in pain again."

I was ready to get up and throw my chair at him, but I refrained, staring at the casket to take my mind off the pastor.

I don't remember where I zoned out, but I remember being nudged by Kris' dad, and him whispering that it was my turn to speak.

I nodded, slowly standing and walking up the stage steps to the podium. I looked out at the audience and took a deep breath clutching the small piece of paper where I had written down my thoughts.

"Hi," I began, unfolding the piece of paper. "I'm Kai, I was- um. I was Kris' boyfriend." I said softly. "His family asked me to say a few words."

I looked down at my paper and skimmed over it for a moment. It suddenly occurred to me that I didn't need to read them.

I folded it up again and held it tightly once more.

"I had prepared a few words, but I don't think I'll be able to say them today." A few people looked shocked, I guess assuming I just wouldn't speak. But I went on.

"Kris was one cocky bastard." I began, ignoring a few gasps that came from the audience. I saw his mom and dad chuckled out of the corner of my eye, so I knew I'd gotten off to a good start.

"But he was genuine," I smiled a little. "There was never a day where he failed to make me smile in one way or another.

"I have cancer, I have for a while now, and Kris stood by me each day with it. I actually thought that Kris would be standing here speaking about me instead of the other way around." I fought back the tears that wanted to break through.

"But no matter what, he always kept that smile. He was someone who was always calm and collected. I didn't understand it until he died." I paused a moment, trying to figure out what I would say next.

"If there was anyone in this world who I could have loved more that anyone or anything, it was him." I looked at Kris' parents. "I'm so grateful that you let me share these last few months with your son. He was the best thing that ever happened to me."

They smiled, nodding their heads, his mother blowing me a kiss.

I went on to say a few other things that were nice about Kris, and I didn't break down once.

When I was finished, I walked back down and sat down next to Kris' dad. He put an arm around me and gave me a squeeze. "Thanks for that. We're grateful to you for always making him smile." he said.

I nodded, looking back down at my piece of paper.

I knew I'd done the right thing. Besides, Kris could see me. He knew what I'd wanted to say. He knew what I was really going to say.

I smiled.

~*~

After the grave site, I was to ride to the hotel with Kris' parents, but I asked if I could have a few minutes alone with him before we left.

They both nodded, agreeing to wait in the car. They told me to take my time.

"Well, here we are." I said, running my hands over his casket that hadn't been buried just yet.

"You died first." the wind blew, causing the flowers on the casket to fly up slightly. "Oh, don't be like that ." I said, chuckling a little.

The wind blew a little stronger, almost knocking me off my feet. I knew it was him.

"It's not nice to push people," I said, my smile spreading wider. I sat down on the ground for a moment. "If you'd wanted me to sit you should have just said so."

I sat there a moment, gathering my thoughts. I didn't want to be that sappy person, but I needed to give him an answer to something.

"I promise, I'll never stop looking."

It was quiet for a moment, then I felt a warm breeze, different from the first. It enveloped me, giving me a feeling of peace. Like it was his way of saying thank you.

"I know it took me a while to say it, but I felt like you needed to know that." I leaned back on my palms, staring up at the sky.

"I love you, Kris. That'll never change. But for you, I'll never stop looking for love."

----------------------------

[A/N:]

You guys, there's only one chapter left. :(

I'm kinda sad that this story is ending, but, for the love of Christ, I seriously need to finish a ton of stories that have been open way to long.

BUT!

 I will be making another KrisxKai fic when I'm finished with them.

I already have a plot idea. ;) And I'm also thinking about giving you guys a sneak preview of it as well.

Anywhore!

Thank you for reading! Subscribe, up vote (Pretty please?), comment for the comment ?

Saranghae!

-Kyla<3