Two weeks have passed, I worked really hard to have high notes. It is important to start well a year because at the end of it you feel the motivation go away and you thank god that you had a good start, without it you probably won’t pass the year. Dongwoon kept helping me every two days and my Korean was way better, I had good notes and I just keep thanking him for the time he spared with me. Sera weren’t piquing me anymore, not that I cared but it was less stressful, I wasn’t the type of person that wanted to have trouble with stupid girls like her.

We were Friday and it was late, I should have been with DongHae but he had something to do at the very last moment so was I, inside the elevator at 10 am I was going to Seohyun’s place after I call I had with her and I chose to take a short cut. There’s this elevator at the mall, open at every hour, that avoids you to take the long and interminable stairs to the top of the city. Of course it was a bit desert and I was the only one inside it, I pushed the button but someone blocked the door with her arm, it was a girl. The door opened slowly and her face came up to me, Sooyoung. It has been weeks I haven’t seen her face and she was still beautiful.

“Sorry but you’re blocking the way..” she said calmly and indeed I was right in front of her. I moved back and let her in. I held tightly my books against my chest because I was supposed to revise and sleep at Seohyun’s place. I put everything inside my bag as the elevator took us up. Sooyoung was pressed again the cold metal of the cage, eyes glued in front of her. The lights suddenly turned off and we were in the dark, a power failure.

“..”  I said, I could see absolutely nothing and to tell you the truth I was scared as hell, it had been maybe 5 seconds that we were in but I was panicking because of it and because of Sooyoung’s presence. I could hear the tall girl trying to find the alarm button but as I expected no sound came from the button, it didn’t work. I started looking for my phone to make a bit of light but fortunately she had the same idea. She switched on her phone light and it blinded us a bit, when I regained my whole vision she was there, her face close to mine. I realized that the elevator wasn’t that big, she looked straight into my eyes as the low light lightened our faces, I swallowed, she was breathing heavily and I just stared back at her, I was nervous, never have I imagined being this close to her. I closed my eyes tightly and when I opened it darkness were again enveloping me. I hate this kind of situation and fear took advantage of the feelings I was having. I slowly stretched my arm to catch the girl clothes, my fingers holding tightly as I was holding back my tears. My hand was shaking, there are things in life that I’m afraid of and that brings back my fragility. One of those things is elevators power failure and as I was trying to breathe correctly I felt her hand sliding against mine her thumb caressing tenderly my skin. My tears were falling because of the nervousness, I didn’t know if it was her, I felt like I was suddenly afraid to lose her warm touch and afraid that the ing elevator won’t work, I couldn’t think clearly and I just simply held firmly her shirt. I felt safer in the darkness, I couldn’t look at her and it was better this way or I would feel ashamed and powerless.

It only lasted four minutes, the electric current came back and light just hit me. It hurt a bit but I got used seconds after and let go my grip of Sooyoung, her hand going away too. I inhaled before meeting her eyes, she wasn’t smiling nor showing any emotion.

“It works again..” She pointed the evidence and then turned her back. I kept staring at her back and as the elevator was doing its last meters my heart started to race again, well it was racing fast since I saw her entering. The door opened and she turned her face to look at me.

One

Two

Three

Long seconds and she walked away, the door slammed shut as I was still in.

That’s how I arrived late to my friends place.

*****

Saturday was an enjoyable day, I spend a part of the day outside with Seo, we found again the old friendship we used to have but still I hadn’t the courage to tell her how depressed I was feeling in this world. We talked about DongHae, the academy, our family, everything that can bring joy and not darkness. We ended up at her house again, I needed to work a bit more and this way later we could watch a movie together.

“I’m running out of paper, do you have any ?” She said softly as I was writing something inside a file, I pointed her my bag with my pen and then I heard something I wasn’t expecting her to find.

“What’s this ?” I looked at the piece of papers she was holding quizzically, it was the famous words with 1045, we exchanged some papers that’s all.

“It’s someone who send me.. piece of papers and I use to reply, why ?” I stood up to replace it inside my bag, even if there was nothing to hide it was my things and I don’t like people looking at it.

“Okay..” Fortunately she didn’t pay more attention and I continued my work.

She was sleeping next to me as I was calling the world into question. My eyes were staring at the ceiling as I could only hear her breathing. Without noise I stood out of the bed to go inside the living room, I walked towards the window that I opened to breathe the cold air. I breathed in and breathed out slowly, trying to avoid the panic growing inside me. I was chewing on the inside of my cheeks, my hands clenching to fists, I was thinking about life and what is the point of living. These kinds of that comes out once in a while and makes you want to die for no reason. I tried as hard as I could to find something to do, to distract myself and I thought about calling my boyfriend, maybe he could help me. I use to think that if you’re with a person that matters to you a lot and cares about you, the fear and everything that comes with use to go away so I just hope that this time it will work. Every time I had panic crises, my mom used to be there and it helped me a lot, she was very calm and tried to make me laugh or think about a beautiful beach with white sand and then I felt myself relax. I looked for my bag that I left on the sofa and found my phone, I tipped his number and waited. I was standing in the middle of the room, seconds were passing so slowly and then with a sleepy voice he answered.

“Hae.. I’m not feeling well..” I murmured on the verge of crying. I could hear him moving and clearing his voice.

“What’s happening baby ?”

“I.. I’m panicking..” I said as I walked again in front of the window, the city moving as it used to. There was no sound because we were a bit outside the town, a beautiful and yet scary sight of the city it felt like it was a monster or something.

“Just breath Jessica.. I’m here and I won’t sleep till you’re feeling better..” I felt my heart beating a bit slower but not enough, I put my hamd against my heart before breathing again.

“Thank you..”

He talked to me for twenty minutes about his work, his friends and I did the same and even if I was feeling better I knew it wasn’t because of him or his voice. It was because I was distracted enough and tired to stop worrying much. I knew that it’ll come back but I couldn’t do anything against it, let’s just forget and do like nothing happened. I went back to sleep and let my phone inside the living room, going back to bed. I closed my eyes but opened it as soon as it was closed. My thoughts were killing and then her face showed up. Her face close to mine and I started imagining things, what would have happened if I had the courage to kiss her ? Would she kiss me back ? Maybe she will be disgusted and I am not lesbian, I love boys and she loves boys too. I turned myself over only to meet Seohyun’s face, she was sound asleep, I couldn’t look at her as I was thinking about a girl, about feelings. How can we have feelings without knowing someone, I mean, I know nothing about her. I bit my lip, hard and washed away all of those thoughts, I guess it won’t come up again even if the whole week I was nervous about her. Jessica ! Stop thinking about her !

And I fell asleep, tired of thinking.

*****

Monday. It feels like it’s a cycle, days have a name, 7 days. A week. It seems that life is too short.

I ended the book the teacher gave me and it was just amazing. I met him again inside his classroom an evening and he simply told me to keep the book, he was going to imprint new ones and trying to find someone interested to publish his work.

“Jessica, can I ask you something ?” He told me before I went away. I had my hand holding the door as he talked again.

“Are you in love with someone ?” I wasn’t taken aback because I expected him to ask me this question, I’m smart enough to know that this kind of situation related to a book that talks about love leads to this kind of questions. But what surprised me is that I hadn’t an answer, I looked at the ground and my heart started to ache.

“I guess.. yes.” That’s all I could say before going away.

Well I was in art class and a flyer came to me. Someone laid it against my table and as I was bored I read it. Thursday night an outing is planned, to the person interested on visiting the Seoul’s aquarium let’s meet at 5pm in front of the secretariat. Nothing more. It made me smile because it was my favorite place and I felt like I had to go there. I put the flyer inside my bag and went into deep concentration. < Kidding. 

*****

I am back, thank you all. I really love your comments it helped me to belive in this story. 

Definitly SooSica are meant to meet everywhere.