05.

I had so much work and drawings to do this week that I hadn’t time for myself. We already were Saturday and I was to Donghae’s place. We were watching a movie together, Very bad trip I think and I was lovingly coiled up against him. He was gently caressing my arm while I couldn’t stop laughing at the stupid things that could happen in this movie. Suddenly his phone rang but with an abrupt movement he made my bag fall and something that caught his eye made him stop answering to his phone. I leaned to the right to see what had fallen out of my bag. . I collected the papers and kept it in my hand but he wanted to know what it was. We started fighting, he was stronger and he reached my hand and took the piece of papers inside his hands and started to read it with a loud voice.

“Do you have a boyfriend ? Do you like art ? Have you friends in the academy ? .. 1045 ? What is this Jessica ?” he looked confused. I grabbed the papers and I put it rapidly inside my bag.

“Nothing”, he didn’t look convinced. We stared at each other and he sighed, I know he’s disappointed. He sat straight and passed his hand through his hair and for the first time I could see that he looked tired, tired of me and what I made him endured during this last year.

“We can’t have a relationship if I can’t trust you Jessica. You know everything about me and I know.. well nothing about you. You’re so distant and close at the same time. I fell in love with you since the first day we met, you were beautiful, you made me laugh and smile without even trying but once I got you.. you know..”

“I’m sorry..” The movie was still playing but I stood up, ready to go to the kitchen and avoid the discussion but he grabbed my hand, without force but enough to stop me. I could feel sadness in his voice.

“Don’t be sorry.. it’s probably who you are.. but I wished you could open up more.. or discuss a bit about your life, friends ? The person who writes you this pieces of paper..” I could see hope in his eyes when I turned back to face him. I really don’t know what to say, I’m the kind of person who keeps everything for herself I’ve never found important to talk about things. I’m just.. I don’t even know how to describe myself, I heard people say that I’m cold, others indifferent or weird but I’ve never took time to think about who I am, what I love I just kept running because life’s short.

“I’ll try my best,” I managed to say and as I expected he smiled. He felt probably relieved and that’s the only thing I wanted, I want to be a good girl for him. We sat again on the couch and I explained him about the papers, that it’s someone I’ve never met, we kept writing to each other but nothing more just for fun, he found it weird but he was fine with me chatting with an unknown person, as long as nothing bad happens to me.

*°*°*°*

The music was so loud, I thought I was going to be deaf. My boyfriend dropped me off at Sera’s party, I told Dongwoon that I already had someone to take me there so he just gave me the address. I was now in the kitchen, alone even if I was surrounded by people and I served myself some alcohol. I’m not a drinker, I just drink a bit during the parties not to be taken as an idiot. I had this little red beaker in my hand and looked around me, how people around twenty-one still can do parties like kids. They finally never grow up, I remember my birthday this year it was just with my family and my friends, nothing much maybe am I growing old too fast, who knows.

“Hey,” It made me startle, it was Dongwoon with a bright smile on his face.

“Hey, you’re not with your girl ?” I said while taking a sip, I surely made a funny face because he laughed at me but damn it was too strong. I tried to smiled but suddenly felt a bit shy, I really hate when people laugh at me.

“Yes but now she’s talking with some people and I told you that I’d be with you. Let’s go party ?” My eyes were scanning the dance floor inside the living room. Do I really have too ? I guess that yes, anyway he was already taking me there and without realizing I was dancing with him. He wasn’t the kind of guy that rubs against you, he was correct. He made funny dances with his friends and I had to admit that I felt relax in his presence, I tried to dance with him, doing the fish dance. How embarrassing, I’m not going to show up for weeks at the academy now, even my boyfriend couldn’t make me dance this way. Without noticing I finished two drinks but everything was fine till I felt someone’s stares. .. no, no, no. It was Sera, I assure you she tried to kill me with those glares but I’ve done nothing and I probably risked nothing, I was more afraid for Dongwoon so I excused myself and went to the bathroom. Fortunately she didn’t follow me and I was quiet.

I went back after sometime just to recover because I felt hot and a bit nauseous. I wasn’t impolite so I searched for Sera and I found her, she wasn’t mad anymore but more surprised about my presence next to her and her es clan.

“Hi Sera, just to wish you an Happy Birthday and tell you that I’ve to go..” She smiled to me while caressing my cheeks with the tip of her fingers.

“That’s ok darling, I guess you had enough fun. Thank you again and see you around,” she winked. I hate when people wink. It’s so fake, I don’t know how to describe this feeling but I just got away but a voice called me right on time before I took a cab. He run, very fast to catch me and tried to catch his breath.

“I just.. wanted to.. give you.. t-this..” It was my phone, Oh god I was going to forget my phone to this house, she would have abused of this I’m sure. I smiled at him while taking my phone and he just went away after saying goodbye, letting me go home safely. I hope Dongwoon would find another girlfriend, it kills me to see people like him hanging out with persons that doesn’t deserve them.

*°*°*°*

I had my nose in the book, reading it closely; For me, she was art. I couldn’t put the finger to the feeling I had every time I looked at her. She wasn’t specially giving a special interest to me but I could see something in her eyes, like all my answers where there and I just had to let go to discover them. That’s why I kept looking at her during classes, trying to figure out if I had to talk to her and maybe screw everything up or just stay silent and appreciate her beauty, her aura and the feeling it made me feel. I was impressed about how he had no shame on writing his real feelings in a book. It’s something I couldn’t do and I find this guy very interesting, different from the others jerk. I only read twenty pages but I’m knowing more and more about him and I find his story touching. Without picking out my nose from the book I opened my locker when I started hearing whispers and stares, I lifted up my head only to see written in red all over my locker. I had two options, breakdown and cry like a baby or keep my head up and do like nothing happened. I took the option two, I was strong enough but I still felt some tears forming on the corner of my eyes. I opened my locker and grabbed some stuff without looking at anyone when I met a pair of eyes, cat walking famously down the hallway, she smiled in victory. I still don’t understand why she hated me but I promised myself that if this little game had to start again, I’ll take revenge. Ryu Sera, you’re in trouble. I went to class and had time to calm down.

You won’t ing kill her.

I took a deep breath and I did what I always do; forget. I don’t want to get in trouble if she had a problem with me, ok but I surely had other things in mind like.. Studying and Donghae.. yeah.. and I started again with this. My dark thought made surface and I couldn’t concentrate anymore.

“Jessica what’s the perfect measure of this picture from Michel Angelo ?”

“Sorry I don’t know,” I replied quickly before leaving the lesson.

There’s days like this, I just wanted to go home and die because I had no goals in my life, no reasons to live. Sometimes I felt like I liked nothing, I was interested in nothing and I just wanted to cry and live with this pain because it’s the thing I do the best; surviving. I quickly arrived at home, my little room perfectly cleaned, no posters or pictures on the walls, just a bed, a desk and a little bathroom. No colors, just empty like my life. I feel like a teenager having a crisis, I abandon so fast but I’ve nothing to hang on. My tears weren’t falling, I was just.. nothing. I was lost in my thoughts when by the corner of my eye I saw the light from my phone lit. I got a message, I stretched my arm; Seohyun – Long time no see, I miss you. Next week can we see each other ? Seo.. she was my best friend during so much years when we were younger in America. She followed me in Korea but I stupidly left her behind because I wasn’t feeling well. It’ll be a good thing to try to rebuild our friendship, she always was there for me and I feel like crap when I think about how stupid I was. Of course, the week-end probably, I miss you too Seobang.” It brought me memories and I unconsciously smiled, I missed a bit old times when I was a bit naïve..

*°*°*°*

It took me time to think whether I’ll go or not but I took my courage, ready to face my locker. I was surprised to see that it was repainted, does someone did it for me or was it the concierge, I don’t know but I’m really thankful. I opened the metal door but someone slammed it shut, freaking the hell out of me. I met her eyes, I shouldn’t have underestimate Sera. I don’t know what I’ve done but I was definitely her favorite target, do I look weak or something ?

“Hi Jessica so you-“

And someone blocked my sight. She was tall and I instantly recognized her back, her long brown hair. She had a simple smile on her face, those fake that Sera and her friends give.

“Hi Sera, I hope you’re fine. Never knew you were on the bullying thing you know..”

You still could see the other brown girl shocked face, I was too. I’ve never seen her around this area and why was she helping me, I don’t need her for this or maybe yes well I don’t know but..

“I’m just taking news of my friend Sooyoung, what are you.. talking about ?” It made Sooyoung smile wider and then Sera walked away with anger and she finally faced me with an uninterested expression. I really don’t understand this girl. I wanted to thank her but she was already gone and I guess it’s better if I don’t run after her, I’ll see her around one of this days and I’ll have time to do it. It’s when I took a last glimpse at her that I noticed something, her hands had a bit of blue paint, dark blue. The same as my locker.. No, I guess that it’s a coincidence. 

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Well, I don't want to rush this story. I'm still thinking about what could happen next. I exactly know what Sera is going to do to Jessica but about SooSica relationship it's more complex. Hm.. I hope I'll find something a bit surprising ! Thank's to all my subscribers, it makes day. ~